Well known (but false) dating-isms told to guys

Clearly a never-married/no kids guy in his mid-40s is highly qualified to give these opinions, right? You might be surprised. An open mind, lots of experience over the last 20 years, and a healthy emotional state about dating does teach you a lot. And the first thing you learn is just how terrible many of the standard assumptions are. Things that boys learn from the time that they’re first chasing girls around the playground in pre-school (up until well into their adult years). It makes you wince.

Here is some of the worst advice that I’ve noticed:

  • “Give pretty women compliments. They love them”. Oh good lord. This one might be my favorite (especially as I notice drooling men on attractive women’s facebook pages and countless other places). I could spend an entire post tearing this apart, but suffice it to say that attractive women have heard everything in the book many times over, especially the more common compliments. It makes these words come off mostly empty and even insincere. And since they have a large dating pool of men to choose from, the last thing that’ll pique their interest is yet another guy telling them how beautiful they are. Just….don’t. If you’re interested, treat her like you would anyone else (without any regard to her appearance). Make her laugh and happily roll her eyes; be the guy who doesn’t come off desperate for her and who doesn’t do what most other men do. And if you can’t resist the urge to slip in compliments, at least make them about something other than her looks
  • “Women play hard to get”. No, no, and no. This does not usually happen. Not only that, but the best gauge of someone new’s interest is the ease you have in setting up some time together. If she’s dragging out possible plans or not being responsive, she isn’t playing hard to get. She’s just not that interested in going out with you. No matter how much you keep pressing about it. Which leads me to……
  • “Don’t let rejection stop you. Keep pursuing someone if you think it might work out.” Oh yes, the whole playing Peter Gabriel outside of someone’s window to sway their interest. Or the nauseating romantic movies where (after two hours of movie-time trying) the nerd finally gets that dream girl who never noticed him at first. Words (or even any string of emojis) cannot express the agony of seeing this attempted in real life…..for both sides. It’s quite sad how many dudes don’t realize this, but the real world is not Hollywood. A woman knows quickly if she might be interested in you. If there is mutual interest, great. But if she’s not into you…..you. will. not change. her. mind.
  • “Women only want guys with money.” Here we have the combination of general gold-digging assumptions (which, while it obviously happens sometimes, doesn’t occur as often as people think) along with how non-wealthy guys use this as a crutch to blame their dating failures for. Boys, it’s usually not your lack of a yacht. It’s, well, you. Most women go for guys for many reasons (good and bad) other than money.
  • “Always tell her how you feel.” It’s wincing time again. Guys, show someone you care. But for the love of god, keep it in moderation. Affection is great. Saying the right thing at the right time is great. But constantly fawning over her comes off way too needy and will push her away. Don’t try so hard; if there’s a good connection, just let it flow more naturally. You might screw up a good thing if you don’t.

There they are. I will now close up shop and find my bachelor dinner

Therapy and addiction, part two

Back when I attended some x-Anonymous meetings, one very troubling aspect of the whole environment stood out to me: the fact that even those who had “conquered” their addiction for a long time seemed to still be so unhappy and defeated. They might tell a quick story about how “I actually got to see my daughter’s graduation, and that never would’ve happened in the past”…..but while a somewhat bright smile might show for a second then, the dark and gloom immediately returned.

Before long, I learned that the reason for this was pretty clear: when it comes to kicking an addiction, their so-called cure is usually based on avoidance and diversion. Sure there’s the aspect of trying to come to terms with a lot of other parts of your life with 12 steps or whatever else, but the continuing focus is mostly on dealing with the symptoms (rather than root causes). And this is just not healthy at all. If it were, those who succeeded in Anonymous programs wouldn’t continue to struggle so badly with their daily existence. You could also say the same about many depression treatments, as it appears quite rare for anyone with past prolonged depression to really turn life around and live a lot more fulfilled and happy.

This brings up a very unsettling question: is that REALLY the best we can do to fight these issues? Are human beings so fragile that once addiction or depression has gotten hold of one for awhile, that person won’t ever have the strength to mostly conquer it ? Are these patches really the only option?

I wish I knew more answers to those questions. But I do know one thing…..when it comes to my own battle with these issues, I’m not going to settle for these half-ass standards that don’t work very well. If I can’t clean out my core issues and live a much better overall life, then there isn’t much value in trying to change.

That will always be my target and goals for these battles. Regardless of whether or not it’s been possible before.

Childhood and bullying. Not as it seems

I mentioned in my last blog about my childhood and being not quite like everyone else. Add in the fact that I was a smaller guy who made good grades, and top it off with a 7th grade year complete with brown glasses and high tube socks. There couldn’t have been much of a bigger target on my back at that point, eh.

The thing is, most people thinking of boy bulling as being something physical. Nelson on the Simpsons and how he hangs Martin on a locker by his underwear. It doesn’t always happen that way though. Since I was a really good athlete, there was some underlying respect for that (so I was never literally pushed around). But that doesn’t mean that I wasn’t treated like shit throughout my teen years.

When this starts to happen to some kids, they may have a chance to fight it off by being the life of the party and always getting laughs. This was never my style, and I hadn’t quite perfected my charming smartass sense of humor at that point (yeah I know it hasn’t shown in this blog, but these posts don’t exactly get me in the mood for it).

I will now allow all single (and even married) ladies to breathe a sigh of relief (as they’ve learned that they’re safe from my irresistible spells so far)…..

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Anyway….even though I never had to deal with literal bullying pain, the verbal attacks were pretty bad. Being the object of jokes and ridicule (and the total lack of respect that goes along with that) is obviously just as troubling to go through. It made those years mostly hell, and I couldn’t wait to get away to college (when, thankfully, I was then able to mature into a normal student for my age).

Let this serve as a reminder though: just because a boy isn’t coming home with bruises from school (or isn’t on facebook getting a wedgie) doesn’t mean that bad things aren’t happening. I know firsthand, and some of the after effects still linger to this day

Loner chronicles

I grew up as an only child in goody-good 80s suburbia, which got me used to plenty of both alone and social times. But like most people, I tended to learn more toward one of those ways. As I hit my teen years, there was little doubt that it would be the loner side. The fact that I was more naive and a shade different than most other kids also fed into that tendency. So while I am totally comfortable socially, I find myself often wishing (when out with others) that I was simply home alone instead. Unless I’m doing something that I really enjoy, or am with someone that I really like. I imagine this social pickiness is something that many socially-adept loners can relate to….

Despite this, I often tried to date during my 20s (and had such a steep learning curve about it). Unless you’re a natural, and I sure as hell wasn’t, there is SO much bad advice and off-base ideals that an adult guy needs to wash out of his system in order to understand how real world dating actually works. By my 30s, I’d become a lot wiser about the subject and enjoyed dating that much more. But at the same time, I started to feel a lot more empty. Not because of heartbreak or bitterness or anything related to the opposite sex; it was just my emotions starting to shut down even more than before (from my other life issues in general).

Throughout my life, I had always had a sensual side that contradicted my cold-hearted bastardness. Thoughts of an incredible connection on both the inside and outside. Mutually passionate desires with someone that exploded while Sade’s “No Ordinary Love” was on in the background. But as the years went on, those things just didn’t matter much anymore. Because not much as anything seemed to.

So nowadays, I haven’t bothered to meet up with anyone much lately. It just doesn’t seem fair to present a facade of being open to something real (when I just don’t have the emotional capacity for it). The fact that I’m unhappy with my physical condition for the first time doesn’t help either. I’ve basically become the guy equivalent of a spinster. And the thing is, I don’t miss it. When you’ve become such a shell on the inside, being single is simply not painful.

What I DO miss is this: being the person who was capable of having that passion that I mentioned above. The one who looked forward to experiencing those best things that life has to offer. The one who didn’t feel that his best years were behind him.

What they see and what they don’t

Someone with moderately functioning depression.

What others see:

  • You usually seem ok at work (and otherwise socially), but anyone with a keen sense of awareness will notice an underlying sadness
  • Tendency to withdraw for awhile when something goes wrong
  • A reasonable presentation of self, but with little pieces here and there that indicate a lack of caring enough about life
  • A general lack of sharp focus (not severe, but noticeable) surrounding you
  • Someone who they’d never know is dangerously close to going over the edge
  • A person who fluctuates being seeming normal and slightly broken

What others DON’T see:

  • Living your life in a lot of darkness (both literally and figuratively)
  • The wretched condition of your place since you just don’t care enough to clean
  • How that condition of your place makes you turn others away even more than you otherwise would
  • Breaking down into tears by yourself occasionally
  • How you’re hiding as much of your newly excess belly as you can (because of how you’re not strong enough to change your poor diet habits, and you’ve lost the desire to be active physically)
  • How you wish that you could have (and wanted) the balanced, healthy life that some around you do
  • You living too much in the past, rarely enjoying the present, and doubtful about improving your future
  • One of your few fears: never escaping the life summarized above. Until the day you die.

The web of complex addiction from my chosen path

I’ve spent the last 20 years experiencing plenty of success and failure in my career. Most of that time has been spent self-employed (trading in the financial markets and advantage gambling for a living). At this point, my knowledge in those areas is quite vast and I’ve learned extensively about the right paths to take and pitfalls to avoid. Despite that, I have destroyed myself financially too often lately. Why?

These endeavors require many other factors to succeed, and two of the most important are opportunity and discipline. I have always struggled with the latter, but ample opportunities usually kept things going well overall for a long time. But once those dried up a good bit in recent years, my faults started to trump my strengths (and that virtually guarantees failure in these fields).

The main reasons for my work (and life) discipline issues can mostly be traced to my continuous depressive tendencies. I’m not manic or bipolar, but I am damaged enough to usually stay behind the 8-ball about keeping life in order. I also have strong addictive tendencies, and those have created quite the regular conundrums with my work.

How does this happen? I don’t always trade and gamble for the right (i.e. profitable/financially healthy) reasons. Too often, I give in to the need for a gambling “high” and take any number of self-sabotaging risks (crippling mistakes that stem from depression, unhappiness, being uneasy about life, impatience, and lately, the longing to regain my past success before it’s too late).

As you can imagine, this has created the aforementioned confusion in my last blog about my situation, especially with possible therapy. How often have you really heard of an addiction that you need to fight without stopping the underlying activity that supports you? I thought I’d found a parallel once with Overeaters Anonymous and even went to one of their meetings, but my explanation for my presence was met by those “you have three heads on your shoulder” looks.

It’s quite maddening, and I’m not sure if I’ll ever find the answers. But I’ll never stop trying to, and I’m hoping that a step of new progress was made today. I went out this afternoon with the hopes that a certain opportunity was still available at the local casino. When I got there and saw that someone else had already gotten it, the reaction was mild exasperation and (yet again) the urge to throw caution to the wind and do the wrong things. However, I was able to gather myself, spend a short time making some of the right choices there, and then leave without digging into my destructive habits.

Mind you, this was far from a new revelation overall; my pattern has always been to disruptively bounce back and forth between those right and wrong choices. BUT, this was one of the very few times that I ever felt the wrong urges, stopped, and had the willpower to change gears that day. And I’m glad to say that the thought of writing this blog was a part of finding that strength that I usually don’t.

What can I say. Hopefully it’s a start.

Therapy. Three strikes and…

Most people who seek out therapy likely feel that their stories and issues are fairly unique (only to find that their therapist can quickly trace their issues to some common life speed bumps.) In my three attempts to test out therapy in the last 15 years, suffice it to say that I have not gotten that reaction.

Attempt 1 (late 20s): Spent about half a dozen sessions in a local therapist’s office. She listened, listened, and listened. Finally I eventually asked “What do you think of everything I’ve told you? Any ideas on how to tackle my issues?” She stared at me blankly, mumbled something about “maybe control issues” and then (thankfully) time was about to run out for the day. As you might guess, that was my last visit there.

Attempt 2 (early 30s): Chose someone who seemed to have a very keen insights about people (especially family). First session went ok. Got homework. Came back with the homework. While barely beginning to explain the content of the homework, got quickly barked at and told off for “interrupting like your mother would do”, which I’d barely even really done (at minimum, it didn’t warrant anywhere near such an emotional reaction from her). Clearly she was more focused on being offended and (speaking of control issues) her own, rather than actually helping a patient.

Attempt 3 (two years ago/early 40s): Scoured the entire city for the best cognitive behavioral therapist around (as I’d realized that such a results-oriented approach should’ve always been the focus for my situation). After nearly an hour of first learning about me, was told “I’ve been doing this for 20 years, and I can always pinpoint in the first session if I can help someone and am the right fit. With you, I honestly have no idea if I can. I don’t even want to charge you for the session.”

So……now you can see why I’m at the point of self-therapy. Why has my career/past/present/strengths/weaknesses seemed so unusual? Next time

The root of things…

My depressive issues began around my junior year in college. This was around the time that one factor started to really weigh on me: the fact that I was still a virgin (and hadn’t even had a real kiss yet). These things could have happened plenty of times during my college life, but I was a late bloomer (never experienced much of life as a teen) and I just never pulled the trigger when the opportunities came up. But unfortunately, as many 18-21 year olds do, I inaccurately blamed these failures on factors other than my naivety and started to feel highly undesirable. It felt like everyone else was having all of that fun, and I was always the one on the wall.

When these experiences finally happened soon after college, that hurt was gone for good and I’ve been emotionally healthy about dating and sex since. However….the damage done during those 5 years was severe and many of the symptoms/depressive roots remained. Granted there is a history of depression with some of my family (especially with my mother), but I doubt any tendencies toward it would’ve ever been as deep w/o going through that period.

Anyway, that is how the path to my adulthood began. And as anyone who’s gone through plenty of this can relate to, it ends up defining a lot of your life from that point on (and often not in the best ways). I’ll get into those details next.

Exciting introductions

I’m a guy in his mid 40s who has dealt with depression throughout his adult life. Given that I’ve never found the willpower to make the numerous changes necessary in life, I’ve decided to blog for the first time (with the hope that writing about these issues may somehow provide more motivation and focus to attack them).

This will stay anonymous, and I don’t know if anyone will even really see it (which is fine since it’s just an attempt at some self-therapy). I plan on including not just the details of my struggles, but also other random thoughts about my NSH opinions about life in general and (especially) people. Might write once a day, once a month, or anywhere in between…..whenever the mood strikes. Stay tuned