Tag: beach

Seagulls

I’ve always identified with the sounds of a seagull flying overhead. One reason is because of how I’ve associated them with the beach. Not only does that bring back memories of summer vacations as a kid, but I’ve also been drawn to the ocean.

The warmth of the Atlantic Coast (from Myrtle Beach to Florida). Feeling the sand and water on your feet. The waves crashing and looking out into the seemingly endless water. It’s the closest thing to a calming effect that any atmosphere can have on me.

There’s also the music with them. The Boys of Summer. And one of the videos for “Sailing”.

Yes, I know that yacht rock is considered so soft and cheesy. I don’t care, and will always love that song. Especially that particular video. As the last chorus ends, you see a single seagull flying over a sunset-filled ocean backdrop.

And whenever I see that, my mind stops for a few seconds. And is taken away to the ultimate feeling of escape, bliss, no worries, and freedom.

Despite how extremely unlikely it is, one day I hope I become that seagull. Finally at peace.

As it flies away here:

California dreamin’….

I’ve never really talked here about what life was like during my past successful times. And it’s a bit painful to relive (compared to how things are now). But once I heard the seagulls during the bridge of “The Boys of Summer” a few minutes ago, I couldn’t help but reflect on it.

Another flashback now: this time to 2005. I was ready to make the move that I hoped would define the rest of my life: to a beachfront condo in southern California. I’d always lived in colder climates and never liked them, and I’d loved the beach since I was a little kid. Had just turned 30 and had all of the surface things about life in order: my physical health, my career freedom, the financial fruits of that freedom, and many years in front of me. And it was time to finally reward myself for everything I’d earned. I’d spent the prior year planning on and off for that big move, and everything was finally ready to go.

My flight landed. I got a new car for Cali. The world should have been my oyster.

Two years later, I had left. Not much left but a mess of frustration, new life issues, and confusion about what to do next.

What…..the….hell…..happened, right?

I can blame some of it on the choice to get that nice condo. It made sense in the beginning since that was the kind of thing I’d always wanted, but that meant that most of my neighbors were a good bit older and the complex was way too quiet. I knew very few people in California before I moved, so my social life would have been entirely different if I’d lived somewhere surrounded by 20 and 30 somethings.

But that was just one of the problems. And definitely not the main one (cause let’s face it, if I really wanted to meet new people, I could have put some more effort into it and improved my social life some).

What REALLY happened? Depression still mostly ruled. At my core, I didn’t have it in me to be happy, so I didn’t try to much (even while otherwise living a daily existence that most people would’ve traded anything for). And I still don’t. As anyone who’s read much of my blog knows, that issue hasn’t changed in the 15 years since.

You can imagine how that felt. To have to move on from your life dream, simply because you didn’t have the emotional health to hold on to it. It still stings.

I should clarify that that result wasn’t a huge shock to me; it’s not like I didn’t know my psychological state at the time. And I totally knew that the whole “money can’t buy you happiness” cliche was true, so that wasn’t why I made the move and rewarded myself materially for the first time either. I guess I just hoped that somehow I’d find a way to start enjoying life, especially given such a backdrop for it. Unfortunately that did not happen.

So everyone reading…..if you have these chances for that possible new life that you’ve always wanted (regardless of the details), don’t hesitate to go for it. You’ll always wonder what might’ve been if you don’t.

But if you do take that plunge, be ready deep down to enjoy it. Because even though what ifs really suck, losing your dream is probably even worse.