I’ve been back in the city I call home for about a month now, and have been moved in to my new place for just over two weeks. And as I’ve mentioned so many times, there is still so much about life that needs sorted out more (and habits improved) if I’m finally going to succeed again.
But while things have gone well in the last few weeks (financially), I knew that I still hadn’t really done anything to begin taming my demons. To be honest, I was mostly lucky (rather than good) during that time. It wasn’t going to last long w/ those same bad habits, so naturally things have just started to slip again now.
Thing is though: it’s another wake-up call that I needed. Especially while I’m still in a pretty good position to try and finally make the life that I need permanently.
Unfortunately, that still hasn’t meant that it’s been much easier to find the energy and willpower to make necessary changes. There are those tireless cliches like “the biggest step/half the battle is admitting that you have a problem”, but that’s not the case for me. I’ve known about my addictive issues my entire adult life, and that’s barely even gotten me off the ground.
For some of us, the biggest step is finding that energy to not only start fighting, but never let the battle go. Especially when you’re always dealing with depression at the same time, and when you’ve always had a subconscious tendency to fight happiness. That combination has kept me going in circles for over 20 years now.
It would probably help to have others support me in said battle. Or at least to talk to in detail about it as I go. But sadly, no one in my family is capable of being a non-toxic and open-minded influence, and the unusual circumstances of how my addiction and work mix together have flummoxed even the most experienced therapists. And I’ve talked at length before about how I can be quite the loner by nature anyway.
I’ve also found that those who are troubled (understandably) have enough shit to deal with, and those who aren’t are either uncomfortable being involved (or else just can’t understand enough how it feels or what needs done from the outside).
So, I will likely be taking all this on (and figuring most of it out) on my own. Luckily I’m well used to that.
I’ll probably try to change my diet first and see how that helps the initial step (of needing more energy) enough. And if that helps springboard me some, then use that crucially-needed energy to try and stay more focused on the many other self-improvement steps that need taken, and to actually take those steps as I go.
Hopefully that will work. If not, I’ll have to keep going back to the drawing board until I find something that does. Regardless of how long it takes.
Cause what other choice is there?
Mister A's domain 