Tag: diet

Weakness and the futility of the latest self-improvement attempt

Last weekend I formulated a more detailed plan (to try and improve my bad habits and make the most of my future). Yet another birthday recently, number 49, was the main reason for it.

Was going to start with a better diet to gain more energy and then use that to get back to an exercise plan. And while I still hadn’t come up with a solution for my degenerative addictive habits financially, I hoped that finally improving those other areas (for the first time) might lead to feeling good enough about myself to not self-destruct that way anymore.

And once these improvements were firmly in place, the last piece of the new journey would be quitting my 9 to 5. For those who haven’t read any of my background: I will never be happy with my life that way. The main reason being that it’s a constant reminder of losing my years of self-employment success.

Not to mention how unhealthy it is to be sedentary in an office for 40 hours a week. I wasn’t sure if my possible plan of grinding out enough income on my own (at this point w/ the lack of new opportunities), but I’d need to find out. Especially since I’d have a lot more free time that way to actually enjoy other parts of life.

Monday came, and I brought the cheerios and sandwiches to work to attempt this new stage in life. Even had a time horizon for it. Six months before being ready to leave my job.

And the results were as disappointing as they possibly could have been.

I couldn’t even get through the first day without wavering from the new diet plans. Once I was hungry about 10 pm, I gave in (and then lost my way from then on). Or through the first week without continuing my other horrible life discipline/addictive habits regularly.

This didn’t affect my chances to implement the new plan, but it certainly put a big dent in my motivation and hope. Even though I know that deep self-improvement attempts can easily fail multiple times before succeeding, I just don’t feel like I will ever be strong enough to pull off permanent changes. The depression is sunk in too deep, and my nature of subconsciously fighting happiness may always dictate my behaviors.

Especially since, as I’ve noted in the past, I don’t keep people close enough in my life to help. I don’t need help in figuring out the plans, but I do need someone to help with my willpower and kick me in the ass when necessary.

Without that, these changes may never happen. But will I really end up adding someone like that in my life at this point? Even if I could (and just try finding a new close influence like that at this age), who knows if I’d do it. I’m just too stuck in my sad, solitary comfort zone.

So I sit here as we speak listening to my Sunday laundry spin. Having no idea if I’ll give any of this another try next week. Or the following one.

Or ever.

When your life depends on it

So…..I may finally be about to meet my challenges head on.

While the meeting with my high school mate’s gym manager (and the follow up) did not work out, I’ve set up a consult with another personal trainer tomorrow. And have plans to call a close family friend (retired psychologist) to see if she’d be interested in talking to me for a bit. While I don’t expect her to “fix” much of what’s wrong with me, I’m hoping that she might have some fresh perspective on how to possibly go about taming my demons.

It can’t hurt to give it a try, anyway.

This means that I’m attempting to better myself both physically and psychologically at the same time. Hopefully it won’t be too much to handle at once, but it’s tough to imagine improving much without both parts going hand-in-hand. One has to support the other along the way.

That being said: I am still very concerned about the viability of any such journey’s chances for much success. I’ve read so much about the limitations that human beings have in permanently making these types of changes. Especially when depression is at the forefront. And I’ll have to find a lot of mental strength and willpower that I’ve never had before. So, a student of the odds such as myself knows what I’m up against.

But there’s one thing that I have in my favor. And while it might be necessary to even have a chance to buck the long odds, it’s scary as hell at the same time:

My life depends on it.

Yes that sounds quite theatrical. And likely overstated. But I promise you, it’s not. I’ve mentioned in a prior entry about how I’ll eventually lose everything down the road if I continue this way. The timeline for that would likely be about 10 to 15 years from now.

Which means that I have two choices. Either find the strength to change my life (even if it’s virtually impossible), or end up as a derelict on the street as I hit 60 years old. Needless to say, that would not be an enjoyable way to fade into the darkness.

How far will that dire motivation go in shaping what happens from now on? Guess I’ll find out as I go. And as mentioned above, that first page of the new book is tomorrow.

We’ll see what gets written from here.

When it comes to solving your depressive issues and destructive habits….which comes first?

One of the main obstacles in trying to fix this multi-faceted midlife crisis is this: what do I tackle first? Because when your life is as off-track as mine is (and you’ve let the problems build up for so long), there’s a long list. At the top is:

  • Depression
  • Destructive compulsive behaviors
  • Little energy
  • Avoiding happiness
  • Letting go of past career failures and lost successes
  • Lack of current career opportunities (stemming from those failures)
  • Absent willpower
  • Out of shape
  • Bad diet

And I could go on.

I’ve often felt that I needed to deal with the energy and out of shape issues first. Because while some people can get away with the too big belly that we sometimes develop in our 40s (and still live a productive life), I don’t have that luxury. With as much as I need to fix, feeling better about myself physically is a necessary part of the project. And obviously if you don’t have the energy to feel stronger about breaking bad habits, nothing else will likely improve anyway.

So a few weeks ago, I contacted someone I knew in high school (a jiu jitsu black belt) who owns a gym in the area that offers a personal training/diet program for people in my situation, among other classes that might help. Even called his gym’s manager and set up a time to stop by in a couple evenings.

Do you think I went? Nope. Called, cancelled, and never rescheduled. I rarely follow through on any self-improvement plans. Guess you could add that to the list above.

But after yet another big setback yesterday, I just keep getting closer and closer to that “enough is enough” mindset. And it’s still not too late to start finally trying harder to get the best of my demons.

The gym is on my way out of town to mom’s house, and I’m heading down there tonight anyway to help her out this weekend. And this is one of the nights that they open late for evening classes.

So, I just decided to stop by on my way and see if I can catch that manager for a few minutes and start working with them. Even if he’s not there or too busy, at least I can leave a message to get back in contact with me. And feel like I’ve taken the first step.

If I do become a regular at his gym, it’s going to be a LONG road of improvement ahead. Not just physically, but psychologically (and in all aspects of life).

I’ve told myself a good 99 times in the last dozen years that this had to get done. Maybe the 100th will be the charm