Tag: dreams

Life as a dream

You know those dreams when you feel like you’re just looking on from the outside at what happens to you?

As I watch yet another Saturday night of endless people living their life around me, an unsettling thought hit me: that even back when I was having some of those experiences (that are supposed to define much of the happiness that we hope to have), that was how REAL life usually felt to me.

I was there in body. And my mind was aware of everything going on. But I wasn’t actually living it. I’ve recently talked plenty about how I don’t connect deeply with others, but this brings a whole new level to it: not connecting with my surroundings either.

And that makes you feel that much more apart from the world.

Typical advice here would be “just live in the moment”. Well, obviously that’s what you should be doing. But it’s not something you can decide on. You either feel that, or you don’t. And most people do.

I am not most people.

Does depression “weaken” the mind?

In a past entry, I brought up all of the common dreams I experience. And there was one that I just hadn’t figured out too much about “why do I continue to have this?”

This is my common dream where, in a high school or college type setting, I am feeling very unprepared for having an upcoming exam or paper due very soon. And it always makes me feel very uncomfortable and like I’ve really screwed something important up (such as graduating on time, etc).

But the thing is, I was always a top student up through my undergrad years and found a way to get things done when it mattered most. The only time I got burned from slacking off with such responsibilities was after I’d graduated from college (and in spots that never meant much to me, such as my time in grad school). So then….why do I continue to have this bothersome dream?

I think I finally figured it out.

See, after getting my undergrad degree, I became a very average learner. It didn’t matter whether it was work or during that grad school time. The formerly lifetime A student was now a C+ student, and I didn’t have the focus or care enough to try and change that. I’d always written the decline off as not being a huge deal, since it only affected parts of life I wasn’t interested in.

But I’ve just realized that it’s not that simple.

While it doesn’t bother me to be mediocre at those parts of life that are less important to me…..what DOES bug me is my mind and focus being weaker than it used to be. Deep down, that must be affecting me more than I thought it did.

Which is likely why I continue to have that dream.

So finally…..referencing this entry’s title…..can deep enough depression actually cause this to happen? As mentioned, I used to assume that it was just a matter of focus. Especially since I still score the same on IQ tests as I did as a child.

But I’m telling you, I still don’t feel as “smart”. And that didn’t start to happen until my depression sunk in deep about 25 years ago, which was during my senior year at college.

I don’t know what any research says about this. At the moment I don’t even feel like looking anything up. All I know is that you can add this to the list.

The long list of ways that my battle with the depressive beast has weakened me.

What do you dream about?

This time I’m talking about actual nighttime dreams (rather than life hopes). Sadly, mine are often as much of a struggle as my life itself. There are a handful that happen on a regular basis, and it’s not too tough to figure out why I have them:

Trying to control a car from a distance. So bizarre. It’s like I have a slight two-dimensional view of what I’m driving in before long, and am trying to guide the car remotely. Usually a bad crash in the making.

Reason: My fear of being in a horrible car wreck that’s mostly out of my control

Being back in school (high school or college) and not having assignments done. Leading to feeling like I’m not going to graduate and other issues. I probably have this one more often than any other, and strangely it’s the one without a very strong reason for it, because I never stressed about any of those things back then. I did leave grad school without getting my degree, but I’ve never cared about that either.

Reason: this is the only dream that I really have to speculate. The best answer I can come up is how I’m not comfortable with my lack of work ethic and tendency to procrastinate until the last minute to do tasks (and that even though I never got burned doing that in school, my concern about those habits being a big problem are manifesting this other way in my dreams)

Starting out at a dorm in college. This one is more recent and is happening more and more. I often know that I am actually in my mid 40s as I have this dream (and how weird it is to be back in a dorm), but that still doesn’t stop me from hoping that it will work out. Things don’t get too far before I wake up.

Reason: Hello midlife crisis and wanting to go back to the good years.

Checking a stock portfolio (on AOL, because that was the time period when I was usually trading securities instead of other financial instruments, right after I graduated from college.) Sometimes the stocks are doing well, and sometimes they aren’t. But I’m usually feeling good about the overall picture in this dream. Only to eventually wake up to my sad reality of the last dozen years: that there IS no portfolio anymore.

Reason: An obvious one. Longing for my past days of success in the market

And now, my trademark dream. Also the one that has haunted me for the longest:

Struggling to get somewhere or to escape someone who’s after me. This one is fairly frequent and it’s always on foot. The locations are places like malls or being in my hometown (these never seem to involve my many years living in big cities). Sometimes it’s like I’m a kid again, but often I’m an adult in these dreams. And I never get where I need to be before I wake up.

Reason: I’ve never found what I needed to have the right life, and am still struggling to.

Rings so, so true

California dreamin’….

I’ve never really talked here about what life was like during my past successful times. And it’s a bit painful to relive (compared to how things are now). But once I heard the seagulls during the bridge of “The Boys of Summer” a few minutes ago, I couldn’t help but reflect on it.

Another flashback now: this time to 2005. I was ready to make the move that I hoped would define the rest of my life: to a beachfront condo in southern California. I’d always lived in colder climates and never liked them, and I’d loved the beach since I was a little kid. Had just turned 30 and had all of the surface things about life in order: my physical health, my career freedom, the financial fruits of that freedom, and many years in front of me. And it was time to finally reward myself for everything I’d earned. I’d spent the prior year planning on and off for that big move, and everything was finally ready to go.

My flight landed. I got a new car for Cali. The world should have been my oyster.

Two years later, I had left. Not much left but a mess of frustration, new life issues, and confusion about what to do next.

What…..the….hell…..happened, right?

I can blame some of it on the choice to get that nice condo. It made sense in the beginning since that was the kind of thing I’d always wanted, but that meant that most of my neighbors were a good bit older and the complex was way too quiet. I knew very few people in California before I moved, so my social life would have been entirely different if I’d lived somewhere surrounded by 20 and 30 somethings.

But that was just one of the problems. And definitely not the main one (cause let’s face it, if I really wanted to meet new people, I could have put some more effort into it and improved my social life some).

What REALLY happened? Depression still mostly ruled. At my core, I didn’t have it in me to be happy, so I didn’t try to much (even while otherwise living a daily existence that most people would’ve traded anything for). And I still don’t. As anyone who’s read much of my blog knows, that issue hasn’t changed in the 15 years since.

You can imagine how that felt. To have to move on from your life dream, simply because you didn’t have the emotional health to hold on to it. It still stings.

I should clarify that that result wasn’t a huge shock to me; it’s not like I didn’t know my psychological state at the time. And I totally knew that the whole “money can’t buy you happiness” cliche was true, so that wasn’t why I made the move and rewarded myself materially for the first time either. I guess I just hoped that somehow I’d find a way to start enjoying life, especially given such a backdrop for it. Unfortunately that did not happen.

So everyone reading…..if you have these chances for that possible new life that you’ve always wanted (regardless of the details), don’t hesitate to go for it. You’ll always wonder what might’ve been if you don’t.

But if you do take that plunge, be ready deep down to enjoy it. Because even though what ifs really suck, losing your dream is probably even worse.