Tag: empty

Depression. All signs are not the same.

As I sit here listening to Enigma’s MCMXC a.D. album (amazing escapist music, especially the first half of the album), it’s a reminder of my early 20s, when the roots of my lifelong depression were firmly sunken in and I felt the worst emotional pain of my life. I listened to this album often then, as I sat alone in the dark and the tears flowed.

Those who’ve read my blog may be surprised by that, since I’ve written so much about my troubles in recent years. But the thing is, this current time period hasn’t really been about “pain”; it’s been mostly about regret, frustration, hopelessness, and, most of all, emptiness. I am a shell of my former self (both physically and emotionally), and that makes you somewhat impervious to feeling that hurt. By anyone or anything.

But back in those earlier years, it felt like I still had a lot more to live for down the road. And I had yet to get through the emotionally crushing basis that began my depression. It was a much different way of feeling so down about life.

I’ve always felt that the past pain was worse than the current emptiness. But lately, I’m not so sure.

At least then I felt something.

Saturday night solitude

At the moment, it’s 10:15 PM on Saturday night (there goes a little bit of anonymity, right? Time zone revealed. They’ll be on to me soon…..)

I sit here alone in the dark, trying out some bizarre ’80s synth music mix in the background. People all around the city here are out and about. Meeting. Having a fun night, or an awkward one, or one that’s yet to be determined. But living. I am not.

Sometimes I think that the depression is a main culprit in distancing me from the word. But then I remember that there are deeper roots to it than that. For example, my grandfather died when I was 12. He was a very close family member. Did I feel the typical sadness or mourning from that? Not at all. You could say that I didn’t even care that much. And as I lost a couple other people very close to me in the last few years (including my father recently), it wasn’t a whole lot different. It hit me a little more (especially that significant life-altering change of losing a parent), but not THAT much. This doesn’t mean that I have no conscience or lots of sociopathic tendencies; I still have a heart for the well-being of those around me. But when it comes to something deeper…..it’s just not there with anyone. Family, friends, or significant others. And it never has been.

That being said, I have always had various people somewhat close in my life. But not in that inseparable way (or in that way where you’re often hanging out on weekends, etc.) That was a part of me for all of about 3 years at college, and for a very short while in my mid 20s later on. Other than that, most of life has been just like it is now. Either choosing to be alone, or involuntarily being the person who is just on the outskirts of a closeknit group. Mostly an outsider.

So I stare blankly ahead. Knowing that more of this empty, fairly meaningless charade of life may continue indefinitely. And without escape, as I’d never be suicidal (another of my few significant fears is death, and none of my troubles will ever override that).

An empty vessel. Wasting away the only life that he’ll ever have.

It’s not an enjoyable existence, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.