Tag: enigma

How much do you need to fix….or really want to?

I’ve had the initial get togethers with both the personal trainer and the retired psychologist that I mentioned in my last entry. Both went about how I thought they would: the trainer seems nice and a good match for the goals I want to accomplish, and the psychologist really didn’t have any insight that helped much. Eh, was worth a shot.

So I’m not sure if I’ll follow up with the latter, but I signed up with the personal training company. Hopefully that will go well…..though based on the timing mentioned in our meeting, I expected to hear from her by now, even with the holiday just ended, about the upcoming week’s plan to get me started out (yet barely have). A bit troubling, but we’ll see how it works out.

All of this has me thinking even deeper about everything though. At the forefront is something I’ve brought up before: the prospect of just not wanting to be happy. As bizarre as it might sound……with the way that I often glamorize the despair and isolation of living a hopeless, empty life, I’m not even sure that I want to change that. Especially at age 48.

But like I said the last time here, I’d still have to fix the issues that lead to me throwing everything away. Thing is, I had assumed that leading a happier life was necessary to do that.

Is it really though? Couldn’t you just retrain your mind to stop sabotaging your life completely? While still managing, but not overcoming, your depression?

Makes me shake my head that I’m even considering the possibility of that route. But if it increases my chances of saving myself overall, it may be the better choice.

It sounds like that quote by Billy Crystal near the end of “When Harry Met Sally”…….when he says something about how he’s fine with his life of comfortable depression.

Will probably be awhile before I figure all this out more. Who knows how long.

For now, I’ll sit here at 1:30 AM and listen to Enigma’s MCMXC a.d. album yet again. And let my mind fade away into the middle of the night….

Depression. All signs are not the same.

As I sit here listening to Enigma’s MCMXC a.D. album (amazing escapist music, especially the first half of the album), it’s a reminder of my early 20s, when the roots of my lifelong depression were firmly sunken in and I felt the worst emotional pain of my life. I listened to this album often then, as I sat alone in the dark and the tears flowed.

Those who’ve read my blog may be surprised by that, since I’ve written so much about my troubles in recent years. But the thing is, this current time period hasn’t really been about “pain”; it’s been mostly about regret, frustration, hopelessness, and, most of all, emptiness. I am a shell of my former self (both physically and emotionally), and that makes you somewhat impervious to feeling that hurt. By anyone or anything.

But back in those earlier years, it felt like I still had a lot more to live for down the road. And I had yet to get through the emotionally crushing basis that began my depression. It was a much different way of feeling so down about life.

I’ve always felt that the past pain was worse than the current emptiness. But lately, I’m not so sure.

At least then I felt something.