Tag: exercise

Late night walk of nothingness

When you’re as much of a depressed slug as I am, you (very) occasionally feel the urge to get outside. And when that happens, you’d better act on it.

In my case, that’s usually in the dark with no one around. As long as it’s not that cold out. Tonight it was a shade cooler than I’d prefer, but still plenty mild enough. So at 1 AM, the shorts and sweatshirt went on.

I live in an apartment complex that’s on a few mile stretch of business road off the interstate. It’s the only residence on this entire road (and nothing is open overnight). So at this hour, even in this packed college town, it’s a total ghost town down the main drag.

Was on my way down the hill and toward the interstate. While this doesn’t make me clear my head, feel any better, or any of the other feel good cliches associated with taking a healthy walk…..since I’m drawn to the solitude and surreal nature of this dark version of one, it still appeals to me.

Took only ten minutes to get most of the way down. I head into a business complex that has a hotel. Since I glorify a possible future existence of wasting away alone in a hotel during my golden years, I go over to just take in the view.

Surprisingly a hotel guest (maybe about 70) was just outside the entrance. He had a brace on his leg and was using a walker, as he slightly struggled to get turned around and go back inside. Quite an eery glimpse of my future that I never expected to see so late.

Go figure.

As I’m digesting that bizarre reminder of how things will likely be in about 20 years (especially if I don’t lose any of the extra belly weight I’ve gained), I decide to go a little further. The interstate entrance was only a couple more blocks away.

After continuing down the sidewalk to the entrance, I press the button to walk across. Not because I’m going to cross. Just to hear one of my favorite parts of these quiet, blurry night walks: the clicking of a stoplight changing.

I wait almost a full minute. The light never changes. So much for that.

It’s time to head back up the hill now. Before long, my hamstrings remind me that they’ve rarely been asked to do this (for almost 30 years now). I can still walk forever without tiring on flat surfaces, but steep hills are a different beast.

Not too far before the slope evens out some though, so the reminders of my deteriorated physical conditioning don’t last too long. Even by the time I’m opening my apartment complex’s door at 1:35, I’ve barely broken a sweat from my uphill return.

Guess I’m not ready to completely keel over yet, eh.

Now it’s back to where I spend most of my apartment time (which is most of the time that I’m not at the family’s house): sitting on my couch alone and avoiding life responsibilities or finding any joy in this existence.

As I finish typing this at 2:10, it’s maybe five hours until daybreak. And I’ll fight every one of them ending.

So that I don’t have to deal with tomorrow.

When your life depends on it

So…..I may finally be about to meet my challenges head on.

While the meeting with my high school mate’s gym manager (and the follow up) did not work out, I’ve set up a consult with another personal trainer tomorrow. And have plans to call a close family friend (retired psychologist) to see if she’d be interested in talking to me for a bit. While I don’t expect her to “fix” much of what’s wrong with me, I’m hoping that she might have some fresh perspective on how to possibly go about taming my demons.

It can’t hurt to give it a try, anyway.

This means that I’m attempting to better myself both physically and psychologically at the same time. Hopefully it won’t be too much to handle at once, but it’s tough to imagine improving much without both parts going hand-in-hand. One has to support the other along the way.

That being said: I am still very concerned about the viability of any such journey’s chances for much success. I’ve read so much about the limitations that human beings have in permanently making these types of changes. Especially when depression is at the forefront. And I’ll have to find a lot of mental strength and willpower that I’ve never had before. So, a student of the odds such as myself knows what I’m up against.

But there’s one thing that I have in my favor. And while it might be necessary to even have a chance to buck the long odds, it’s scary as hell at the same time:

My life depends on it.

Yes that sounds quite theatrical. And likely overstated. But I promise you, it’s not. I’ve mentioned in a prior entry about how I’ll eventually lose everything down the road if I continue this way. The timeline for that would likely be about 10 to 15 years from now.

Which means that I have two choices. Either find the strength to change my life (even if it’s virtually impossible), or end up as a derelict on the street as I hit 60 years old. Needless to say, that would not be an enjoyable way to fade into the darkness.

How far will that dire motivation go in shaping what happens from now on? Guess I’ll find out as I go. And as mentioned above, that first page of the new book is tomorrow.

We’ll see what gets written from here.