Tag: gambling

A very short story: the worst trader in the history of the universe

“You are the worst trader in the history of the universe.”

He finds himself repeating this phrase again. A habit that he’s known all too well for a number of years now.

It wasn’t always this way. Far from it. During his 20s, he’d made a very nice living for himself trading in the stock market. But that seems like ages ago. And it was before his problematic tendencies got the best of him.

The phrase isn’t even that true. He knows that his main achilles heel is needing too much action. Not focusing on just his very best ideas, and putting too much faith (and money) in his secondary opinions that clearly aren’t as accurate.

But too often, that doesn’t stop him.

This time, one of those lesser quality ideas led to buying some call options (needing the market to go up) on Tuesday that expire at the end of the week. Options are basically the crack of the financial markets for degenerates, so he often gravitates to them.

From the very beginning, as is often the case if you don’t time option trades like these very well, it’s an uphill battle. The market ends up having a resilient Wednesday and closing a little higher. So even though there are only two days left for things to go as high as he needs, the options haven’t lost too much value yet.

Still hope. That’s all that seems to matter…..right?

But then the next morning….some economic news comes out that causes stocks to open a good bit lower. Just like that, the trade is almost dead in the water (unless there’s a quick, big reversal). He’s not expecting that to happen though, so his options will likely be worth pennies on the dollar for the rest of the day.

There’s no blaming that news report for “bad luck”. That’s something he never does, because luck evens out in the long run.

What he does curse is his decision. The lack of discipline and patience to wait for only the best spots. The relentless punishment that often endures otherwise.

Nothing left to do but hear that same resounding thought in his head again. Regardless of how true it is, it sure seems that way sometimes:

“You are the worst trader in the history of the universe”

This will be the last time

That’s what I often say when I slip into my exasperated mode of giving it away.

Before I elaborate a little, it’s been awhile since I mentioned what I do. So: I am a 47 yr old rare breed who is a pro financial market trader and advantage gambler (made a living at it for many years, and still could)…..all while being a degenerate addict in those areas at the same time.

Confusing? Yep, I know. And for about the last dozen years, the degenerate part has gotten the best of me.

Earlier tonight, I lost composure again and entered a self-destructive mode. And the thing is, this should have been one of the least likely times for it to happen. Because now that I’ve had to move again, I’m starting up some new sports accounts in some new places. And I just found that the opportunities at these places might be more lucrative than I expected.

So why the tailspin as the evening went on? My biggest achilles heel: if a night starts out poorly, I may make stupid choices to chase the losses (that have nothing to do with betting with an edge). Or, I might bet way too big for my bankroll on something, which will always tap you in the long run at some point.

All this happens because I am way, way too impatient to get back the lost success of my younger years. That urge is just too strong to have the willpower to stop, especially given that since my life is so empty, I also lean on gambling/trading as the main part of making life feel worthwhile.

As mentioned, sometimes when I get burned this way, I tell myself that this is going to be the LAST time. That there is no way (especially in my current situation) that I can continue any problematic behavior that inevitably leads to failure.

Then I try to placate myself to not feel as bad about what just happened. Cause let’s face it, I already feel unhappy enough about my life as it is.

That’s done with thoughts such as “you can use this as a starting point to now move forward doing the right thing” or “now that you look like even more of a hopeless loser at that sports site, you’ll get that much more slack and freedom there to profit more once you get your head on straight.”

At least those rationalizations have merit, though. But there’s another one that I also find myself thinking sometimes, and it’s not good. This usually happens after I’ve screwed up the worst, and quickly ruined what could’ve been a great day or week:

“Well, you would’ve lost that money before long anyway.”

I mean, how sad is that? Trying to make yourself feel better about a loss that just happened with “well, you’re so screwed up that it was inevitable”.

Obviously I need to wash myself clean of THAT kind of thinking.

So, what am I going to do now? Pick up the pieces again. And try once more to find the strength to always stay focused on the positive behaviors (while eliminating the destructive ones).

And it’s extremely difficult to do, because as I brought up in a past entry, this is not like a severe alcoholic or degenerate gambler who can’t go a day without it (and whose addictive behaviors are always destructive). Not like I am always slipping. The problem is though, it can happen at any time…..and when it does, you can ruin a month of flawless work/profits in an hour. So there’s very little margin for error.

But if I ever hope to succeed again, I’m going to have to find a way to be that consistently strong.

And that applies to the rest of my life as well.

More on my self-therapy situation: depression, addiction, work, and the rest

In a past entry, I mentioned how I sometimes sabotage myself with large, poorly constructed risks with my financial markets trading and advantage gambling (as opposed to how I usually value money appropriately when it comes to buying baseball cards). And I asked the question “can I train my mind to always treat my trading/betting like I do my card buying?”

After some more analysis about the many details that lead to these behaviors, I’ve come up with some answers to that. Yes, this is me both in the therapist’s chair AND on the therapist’s couch at the same time.

Getting to the bottom of this involves a deep look at what drives me to make these choices. Not surprisingly, the thought processes and psychological/emotional reactions for the good are much different than the bad. Things also get pretty complex, because there are various sides to most of my endeavors (including how some of them involve making a living).

With the sports cards, there is both a speculation and a collectible/nostalgia aspect. But my focus at the moment is much moreso the collectible side. Naturally I hope that they go up in value, but that’s not my main reason behind buying them. Therefore, my mind only kicks into a “get the best value” mode. It’s like being a competent shopper. I don’t like the feeling of overpaying or wasting anything in these spots, so my comfort zone is keeping a healthy focus on making the best choices.

And when I’m handling my trading/advantage gambling the right way (which isn’t nearly often enough), there are similarities to the cards. I’m looking for only the best “deals”, not risking more than I should, and zeroed in on that good feeling that comes from being competent with your money and skills. It’s not about “gambling”; it’s much more workmanlike.

Nowww the other side. The problems. Chasing the dragons from my chosen vices. As you can imagine, it’s not pretty.

What is going through my mind when my money risks turn into addictive, degenerate behavior? The answers are quite different. And again, much of it comes down to comfort levels (but this time in a very destructive way).

As I have discussed many times in the past, my depressive tendencies have ruled much of my adult life. It creates a lot of loneliness and a consistent unhappiness that usually surrounds you, and after enough years, you count on it to feel comfortable and like yourself.

All of that, in turn, leads to regular boredom and the need for highs to escape your sad existence. And is that EVER bad news for someone in my fields.

When risking money is your expertise, then what high do you gravitate toward? Large gambles. Making things “interesting”. Especially when you know that those risks will also eventually lead to the failure that puts you back in your subconsciously preferred unhappiness state.

Two birds with one stone there. Combines two of my very powerful comfort zone behavioral demons. Add in how badly I want to get some success back as quickly as possible, and it all makes these habits extremely difficult to control.

So….what are the conclusions from all this?

First, to answer my initial question, it doesn’t really seem possible to “treat the problematic side of my trading/betting like I do my card buying.” The driving forces behind each are very different, and one won’t really apply to the other.

What IS the answer then?

It appears that there may be only way to beat this, and it sounds ridiculously like a cheesy cliche. But it’s the case:

Learn to be ok with being happy. At my deepest levels.

Because as you may have noticed, most of my destructive behavior stems from that flaw. The need for highs and escapes. Sabotaging yourself. So much else.

It goes without saying how that road will not be easy. In addition to my deep-rooted depression, there are other reasons why I fight happiness (that I won’t get into now). So, it will take a huge rebuilding project to try and fight this.

But it’s my only chance.

The magic 8 ball is stuck

Today I made an unusual amount of progress when it comes to planning my career future. You’d think that would be a good thing:

I got caught up with a very knowledgeable close friend (a fellow advantage gambling pro), and found out some info that may cut down on the prep time that I need to do in my new city. Talked to another friend in that industry, and she said that she’d like for me to work with her at her company in that city. Looked at the latest environment for other 9 to 5 jobs in my “traditional” work field of recent years.

Realized that it might be worth a shot to turn my second wind of baseball card involvement into a side business on ebay. Talked with that knowledgeable friend above about that too, since he used to be a full-time seller years ago.

Unfortunately, these were the results:

Advantage gambling part to full time: The profitable opportunities are still not very plentiful for someone in my situation. Outlook not so good

Working that 9 to 5 with my friend: Her heart in the right place, but it’s just tough to see her following through with that (and it working out). Outlook not so good.

Other 9 to 5 jobs: Naturally places don’t seem to be focused on hiring at the moment for white collar work. Tough to tell how long it will take the world to get back to normal. Outlook not so good.

Selling cards as a side business on ebay: With all the competition out there (and the ebay fees and other transaction costs to buy and sell), it’s just tough to get the profit margins needed for a one-person operation that can’t sell in bulk. Even with my experience in that business. Outlook not so good.

Yup. The magic 8 ball appears to be stuck.

My past choices have gotten me painted into this corner, and now it’s gonna be tough to avoid paying the price for them. And needless to say, having to wait on the world to begin functioning again just makes things more difficult.

It might be kinda boring to just work in a cubicle all your life. To know exactly what the next day will be. Bring home that same paycheck, pay those same bills, and then do it all over and over and over again. But at least it’s normal.

My life is not normal.