Tag: men

False guy dating-isms part 3/finale

The worst of the bunch:

“Just be yourself and the right person will come along.”

Ummmmm. Excuse me for a moment……

Face Vomiting on Emojipedia 11.1

(there. Had to get that out before saying anything else about this).

Just like with my thoughts on sensitive guys, I can see the defense mechanisms immediately go up here too. But don’t worry; it’s not as bad as it first sounds. I am NOT saying to try and be someone who you’re really not, as obviously that’s not the right path either. The problem is how this advice hints that everything will be fine as is, and just sit tight forever.

And that’s where so many guys go wrong.

Why? Because most of us are not naturals at the fine art of dating, sex, and relationships. Well, unless you’re referring to how much our natural instincts get wrong. There are SO many habits that can be changed and improvements that can be made. Things that don’t change your core; they just make a slightly adjusted or improved version of you.

Some may think that those things really don’t matter that much (and if two people are “meant to be together”, it won’t matter what version of either person is presented). Now sure, that COULD happen. But such an ideal ending is tough to actually end up with in the real world, and you greatly improve your chances of attracting compatible people if you not only:

a. Have a legitimately wiser understanding of how people work (especially when it comes to this subject). And not just others, but also yourself. This also includes realizing that the world is not going to adjust to you. It doesn’t matter if someone “should” feel this way, or if you think you “deserve” this or that. The rest of humanity is not going to adjust to your comfort zone and preferences, so you can either find some compromises or keep being frustrated.

But also….

b. Present the best version of yourself (both physically and psychologically). I know this sounds obvious, but a lot of us just don’t bother to (myself included sometimes). But when I am looking around to date, you’d better believe I’m aware of this. Once again, the ideal view of “these things don’t matter to the right person” just doesn’t happen often enough. A lot of life is about odds and making the most sensible choices, and ms. right is simply more likely to be interested in the best version of you.

A couple of final thoughts. Some might wonder “well how do you do all this”? Between what I’ve described here and the content of my prior two recent entries about this subject, I’ve brought a lot of that up. Or “what happens if you don’t”……..

The answer to that question can be covered in a simple scare tactic: ever noticed all the guys on Facebook in their 50s who hoard women in their 20s and 30s on their friends list? Who desperately grasp for their attention my making mind-blowing compliments such as “stunning” on those women’s pics? Who practically beg them for any response as those women totally ignore them and get more and more uncomfortable from the creepy unwanted attention?

That could be your future. If you need to, save yourself before it’s too late.

More false dating-isms that guys hear

I knew I’d end up mentioning more about this subject. Not only does it fascinate me, but it’s a nice break from writing about my troubles. Continuing with where I left off before:

  • “Shy Guy” by Diana King/triumphant shy guy scenes in the movies. Such a feel good message, isn’t it? Sing along about how “he’s the kinda guy who’ll always be mine”. Or “Revenge of the Nerds” and watching the sweet girl with the sly smirk leading the virgin guy into the bedroom (and him returning soon a new man w/ a celebratory pipe in his mouth).
Related image

This subject really hits home with me, since my naivety about it in college became a big problem back then (read back to my first few entries of this blog for more about that). Because these things above do not actually happen often. Guys, you will usually have to make that initial ice-breaking move and first kiss with someone (or put yourself in position for it to easily happen mutually.) If you’ve never crossed the physical line with someone yet, she’s not going to tackle you on the couch first like some funny sitcom scene. If you wait for that, you’ll usually end up on the wall watching everyone else connect. Being passive just does not work (for so many reasons). And the impressive thing about media portrayal of these moments is that they get virtually everything dead wrong: you often see women being aggressive outside of the bedroom (but passive behind those doors), when the opposite is usually what really unfolds. Speaking of…

  • “Women want a ton of foreplay”. We’ve all seen this endlessly on TV/in the movies: a couple goes into the bedroom and slips into bed. Things are beginning. Music in the background. While she lays there patiently (and virtually flaccid), he slowly works his way around every cubic millimeter of her body (like a land surveyor taking measurements). Eventually, once a full moon has passed and the weather has changed outside, they have sex. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating the other extreme of stereotypical impatient-let’s-be-humping-in-two-seconds guy either, of course. But like many areas of life, there is a happy medium that hits the spot (pun intended). Not only that, but that land surveyor seduction that’s supposed to get her going also leads to men overlooking the best true foreplay, which is the kiss. She will know the difference between the whole “I’m only doing this as the standard first step to get in your pants” and the real thing……if you kiss her right, that is a lot more likely to open up her deepest desires than anything else. And when this happens with someone who is ready to have sex with you and you have good physical chemistry with, it often leads to that behind-the-doors aggression and passion from her that I just mentioned. At that point, the rest of the foreplay does not last until anywhere close to the next moon!
  • “Women want a sensitive guy.” This one is practically a standard cliche of supposed fact. And nothing could be further from the truth. I can already see some people thinking “But I do like sensitivity! It’s a great quality”. Yes, it is…..but great qualities don’t always equate to dating interest. Sometimes this effect can be pretty severe, too. I have known many women of all different types and dispositions, but the one thing most had in common (regardless of whether things were platonic or we were dating) was this: the only time they looked at me with any disdain or discomfort was when I was expressing concern about them or the world around me. Now I’m not saying that you can’t show any emotions or heart, but there can be a fine line about it. Example: bonding with her puppy and having a soft spot for it = good. Having pictures of yourself smooching three snuggly kittens at once = a no-no. Now I realize that many people still won’t agree with me about this, but it’s what I’ve seen and experienced throughout my life. And if you don’t believe me, test it out guys. If you’re interested in someone, try either being the guy who picks her daisies while reading her poetry and talking about how you’re saving impoverished children in Uganda, or be the guy who is somewhat aloof, always keeping a little something mysterious, who (while still treating her well) challenges her some and who doesn’t wait on her hand and foot. See which leads to becoming another platonic friend, and which leads to a possible connection for more.

Ok, there’s one main one that I haven’t gotten to yet. But it’s a whopper, and I think it needs its own entry for next time.

In the meantime, I ask a small favor. It seems like I’ve acquired a few regular readers already, but I’m still new at this (so I’m not sure how comments work). I haven’t seen any left yet, and I’m curious if they’re even activated or if anything like that needs done.

So if you’re one of those other bloggers who is usually seeing my entries, I’d appreciate a quick test comment here (just to know it’s possible). Thanks!

Well known (but false) dating-isms told to guys

Clearly a never-married/no kids guy in his mid-40s is highly qualified to give these opinions, right? You might be surprised. An open mind, lots of experience over the last 20 years, and a healthy emotional state about dating does teach you a lot. And the first thing you learn is just how terrible many of the standard assumptions are. Things that boys learn from the time that they’re first chasing girls around the playground in pre-school (up until well into their adult years). It makes you wince.

Here is some of the worst advice that I’ve noticed:

  • “Give pretty women compliments. They love them”. Oh good lord. This one might be my favorite (especially as I notice drooling men on attractive women’s facebook pages and countless other places). I could spend an entire post tearing this apart, but suffice it to say that attractive women have heard everything in the book many times over, especially the more common compliments. It makes these words come off mostly empty and even insincere. And since they have a large dating pool of men to choose from, the last thing that’ll pique their interest is yet another guy telling them how beautiful they are. Just….don’t. If you’re interested, treat her like you would anyone else (without any regard to her appearance). Make her laugh and happily roll her eyes; be the guy who doesn’t come off desperate for her and who doesn’t do what most other men do. And if you can’t resist the urge to slip in compliments, at least make them about something other than her looks
  • “Women play hard to get”. No, no, and no. This does not usually happen. Not only that, but the best gauge of someone new’s interest is the ease you have in setting up some time together. If she’s dragging out possible plans or not being responsive, she isn’t playing hard to get. She’s just not that interested in going out with you. No matter how much you keep pressing about it. Which leads me to……
  • “Don’t let rejection stop you. Keep pursuing someone if you think it might work out.” Oh yes, the whole playing Peter Gabriel outside of someone’s window to sway their interest. Or the nauseating romantic movies where (after two hours of movie-time trying) the nerd finally gets that dream girl who never noticed him at first. Words (or even any string of emojis) cannot express the agony of seeing this attempted in real life…..for both sides. It’s quite sad how many dudes don’t realize this, but the real world is not Hollywood. A woman knows quickly if she might be interested in you. If there is mutual interest, great. But if she’s not into you…..you. will. not change. her. mind.
  • “Women only want guys with money.” Here we have the combination of general gold-digging assumptions (which, while it obviously happens sometimes, doesn’t occur as often as people think) along with how non-wealthy guys use this as a crutch to blame their dating failures for. Boys, it’s usually not your lack of a yacht. It’s, well, you. Most women go for guys for many reasons (good and bad) other than money.
  • “Always tell her how you feel.” It’s wincing time again. Guys, show someone you care. But for the love of god, keep it in moderation. Affection is great. Saying the right thing at the right time is great. But constantly fawning over her comes off way too needy and will push her away. Don’t try so hard; if there’s a good connection, just let it flow more naturally. You might screw up a good thing if you don’t.

There they are. I will now close up shop and find my bachelor dinner