I recently wrote about some experiences in my life when I just didn’t reciprocate the interest of someone around me.
But more often than not, that shoe has been on the other foot.
I started to realize this even more when I was on the phone about 10 years ago with my best friend from college. The one I painted in a not-so-flattering tone not too long ago (and, well, this isn’t going to make him look any better).
He really is a great guy. I swear. Sooo…..
During that phone convo, I mentioned how we once sat on the floor outside my room in the dorm (our freshman year), belting out “End of the Road” in awful voices and without a care in the world. He had no memory of that at all.
I know, I know. You could definitely consider that one of those random moments that most people would forget. But the thing is, it signifies our entire friendship. Because I could always tell that our college times meant more to me (than they did to him). He had a much more balanced, healthy existence before and after those years. So to him, it was just another life phase.
To me, though, those first three years of college were the best I’d had since early childhood. Or since.
This represents a lot of my more meaningful moments with others. Sadly there haven’t been many. But when they have happened, the other person just isn’t on the same level as I am. And of course on the flipside, there are also a few more examples of an experience meaning more to them instead. Even though I could count those on one hand.
And despite how little contact I keep with anyone anymore, this can still happen nowadays. It actually just did. Today a friend asked if I was going to be there for our tentative plans to meet up next month. But he’ll have his stepson with him and needs to focus most on that part of his trip. As usual, I’m the secondary part of someone’s life.
It’s all a part of how I’ve usually been so distanced from the world. As if my being incapable of feeling deep bonds isn’t enough, there’s also that poor timing or fit (during the times when I’ve come closest to connecting with others).
Tonight as I drove home, you couldn’t see a single star overhead. Just the moon (as it swung back and forth with my turns across the night sky). It looked all alone in the universe.
I know how it feels.
Mister A's domain 