Tag: sad

Music over the years

Whenever I look back at my past, I tend to associate one song the most with a particular 1-2 year time range. Earlier on it was current hits. But in the last 20 years, was more often something that I heard at the time (that resonated the most). Maybe someone might bump into something they’ve forgotten about (or never heard before):

1981: “Physical” by Olivia Newton-John. I’d just turned seven, and this is the first song I remember hearing all the time. Reminds me of getting hot dogs with my grandfather in his country club’s diner (as it played in the background).

1983: “Break my Stride” by Matthew Wilder. The first record that I ever played over and over. I was obsessed with it.

1985: “Rhythm of the Night” by Debarge. My favorite song around that time. Hearing it while on a field trip to the state capital. During the last year when life was consistently happy

1991: “Rush Rush” by Paula Abdul. Slow dancing with someone to this on a cruise ship. One of the few great times and escapes I had as a teen.

1993: “Freak me” by Silk. Yes I love ’90s R&B anyway, but this one is the most special to me. Maybe the best year of my life. My freshman year at college. Going out with friends on the weekend and hearing this playing inside the club (as a few girls coming out were drunkenly and badly singing it). Music to my ears.

1998: “Money Ain’t a Thang” by Jermaine Dupri and Jay-Z. Represents the most social times that I had after college (which didn’t last long). All of us in the car after a long night out, singing this at the top of our lungs.

2004: “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day. As I first made the journey to southern Cali (to figure out a plan for the move there a year later). This was on the radio all the time then. As I hoped that my California dream would not turn out that way.

2005: “Cool Night” by Paul Davis. Shopping for cleaning supplies at the local grocery store (to clean my apartment for that move) and feeling such relaxation as it came on. So I still associate it with finally making that major life change. It also started my appreciation for late ’70s/early ’80s soft rock.

2011: “Blackout” by Breathe Carolina. Toward the end of my struggles during that time out west. But still remember this coming on the radio right after I’d picked up a date to go out one night. It wasn’t the typical genre I expected to like. But she started up with it from the beginning. And by midway through the song, I was nodding my full acceptance. Before the end we were fully in tune together. “I’m only getting started! I won’t black out”

2012: “Mr. Wrong” by Mary J. Blige. During lonely nights driving out to play poker (as I was on the road staying in a good friend’s area for awhile). Searching for a new life.

2017: “Alone” by Halsey. Anything Halsey from that year would fit. Not surprising that I’d pick that particular song of hers though. As I ended up back in the same city from my 20s for awhile.

2018: “Tender Love” by Force MDs. One day it came on at work in my good friend’s office, and I started playing it some on my own occasionally since. So I now associate it with my time at that company

2022: “Ordinary World” by Duran Duran. Ending up back near my hometown for now (for family reasons). By this point, I was already trying to avoid “crying for yesterday” and wishing that there was an ordinary world that I could somehow find.

Still hoping for that.

A new step update

It’s been about 2 1/2 months since I decided to restrict access for one year from the outlets that I’ve used most for my degenerative behavior with my finances.

How are things going so far?

Well, there’s no improvement in any desire to make any necessary life changes. Though that’s not very disappointing (because it’s what I expected). It would’ve been nice to surprise myself with some upside there, but…not to be.

No change to my frame of mind. I still feel the same level of failure (and hopelessness about the future) as I did before. I’m pretty much the same person. Just without the further decline of my financial future.

So has anything positive come from this new path yet? Yes and no.

I’ve found that this break has provided me some more clarity on the future. When you’re not busy destroying yourself further sometimes, there’s not much else to do but think even more about the reality of your situation. That’s the good.

The bad? That outlook is only worsening. The opportunities to rebuild with advantage gambling continue to tighten. Plus I don’t see that trend changing. Maybe not for the rest of my life. And the funny thing is, that realization hitting even deeper has actually caused my discipline to be better in the meantime. Because if there’s no viable long term plan to build back a lot of wealth, then what’s the point of even trying to run up some $ the wrong way? Even if that happens…not like I can do much further with it.

How messed up is that, eh? The future looking even worse has helped me to keep a better perspective with the present. Talk about having to find a good side however you can.

But it’s what I have to do. Especially since the other outlets from my past (sportscard dealing, financial markets trading) likely won’t be available to me soon either.

So that’s where things stand. I still hope to make some other general life progress this year, but there’s no sign of it yet. So I’m still just holding on.

Waiting for the right new chapter that will probably never happen.

Taking a new step

As this year winds down (and my degenerate habits still have me on a completely self-destructive path), I took a step today to stop the bleeding for now. Further action than I’ve ever done:

I restricted access from all the sites that facilitate my poor choices for a full year. Prior to this, the only time I’d ever done anything like that was with one site about a year and a half ago. But that still left me with way too many outlets. And now, that’s not the case anymore.

This was not easy to do. Not as much because of how it’ll take away my problem activities. Sure I’ll miss it, but I’m not the type that will go jonesing for action and have some horrible withdrawals. The main reason is because when it comes to this battle…..I hate the idea of using any avoidance techniques (rather than being able to tackle my issues head on and hopefully increase my willpower).

But at the moment, I needed a change more than ever. One that might get me to finally focus a lot more on making necessary life changes. And it’s not like I’m giving up on ever improving myself. Because if I do find a way to turn the corner on some of my demons in the next year, then come next holiday season, it’ll be time to see if I can handle risking money the right way again.

One full year. To try and do this without the looming cloud over my head of often further destroying myself and my family financially.

Don’t know how I’ll react. Because for better and worse, these activities have been part of my life for the last 35 years. Ever since I got back into sportscards in high school and occasionally bought a pack of old cards w/ the hope of hitting something big. I’ve had some prolonged breaks before, but this will still be different (because those were simply because I didn’t have the money for awhile). Cutting yourself off entirely from the activity (no matter what) just isn’t the same.

As usual, I’ll update how it’s going here whenever the mood strikes. It’s going to be an exhausting year, and my list of things that need fixed is as long as ever. Pretty much everything about life (from health to career). And given my track record, the odds may not be too good. But then, that’s why I made this change. To at least see if I end up giving it a different shot.

We’ll see who I am as of December 13, 2025.

A new level of broken

Around six years ago, I spent one weekend at back to back big concerts (with a woman who, at the time, I was very close to). We sang our hearts out and were able to let loose and enjoy ourselves.

Doesn’t sound like me? Yep, that happens very rarely.

So then, why am I bringing that up now?

Because I don’t think I’m capable of even those quick escapes from my depression anymore. Despite all my years of struggles and isolation, at least I was able to still have some enjoyable experiences with others occasionally. But not now.

At this stage of never dating anymore, entering the 50+ stage of life with no support system, and all of my life issues only getting worse…..I never even feel like doing anything positive.

And that’s a shame. Cause even though it’s so difficult for single people my age to add others closely into their lives, I’ve learned recently that there are actually two people around here who might be an exception to that rule:

A woman I grew up in school with (who I’ve hung out with before and is also having a tough time with this life stage) and a guy who lives around the corner in my apartment building. I’ve only run into him a couple times and he has no idea who I am, but I’ve seen him pop up on my facebook wall since he went to med school with one of my old childhood baseball teammates.

I get along very well with that woman. And it’s clear that I have plenty in common with the guy. And that even though he has a much fuller life than I do (kids and being a doctor), he still seems to be single, without close friendships, and wanting something more in life beyond the work and father routine.

But I still haven’t reached out to them. And who knows if I ever will. Despite these situations possibly being just what I need to somehow become healthier, establish tighter contacts in this area, and just improve life in general.

And it’s so dangerous to feel this way. Those occasional dating and friend escapes in my 20s, 30s, and early/mid 40s definitely helped my state of mind. Without them, it’s just total depression without any breaks. Which is how it’s been for the past few years, and likely for good going forward.

A new, permanent level of broken.

Late night walk of nothingness

When you’re as much of a depressed slug as I am, you (very) occasionally feel the urge to get outside. And when that happens, you’d better act on it.

In my case, that’s usually in the dark with no one around. As long as it’s not that cold out. Tonight it was a shade cooler than I’d prefer, but still plenty mild enough. So at 1 AM, the shorts and sweatshirt went on.

I live in an apartment complex that’s on a few mile stretch of business road off the interstate. It’s the only residence on this entire road (and nothing is open overnight). So at this hour, even in this packed college town, it’s a total ghost town down the main drag.

Was on my way down the hill and toward the interstate. While this doesn’t make me clear my head, feel any better, or any of the other feel good cliches associated with taking a healthy walk…..since I’m drawn to the solitude and surreal nature of this dark version of one, it still appeals to me.

Took only ten minutes to get most of the way down. I head into a business complex that has a hotel. Since I glorify a possible future existence of wasting away alone in a hotel during my golden years, I go over to just take in the view.

Surprisingly a hotel guest (maybe about 70) was just outside the entrance. He had a brace on his leg and was using a walker, as he slightly struggled to get turned around and go back inside. Quite an eery glimpse of my future that I never expected to see so late.

Go figure.

As I’m digesting that bizarre reminder of how things will likely be in about 20 years (especially if I don’t lose any of the extra belly weight I’ve gained), I decide to go a little further. The interstate entrance was only a couple more blocks away.

After continuing down the sidewalk to the entrance, I press the button to walk across. Not because I’m going to cross. Just to hear one of my favorite parts of these quiet, blurry night walks: the clicking of a stoplight changing.

I wait almost a full minute. The light never changes. So much for that.

It’s time to head back up the hill now. Before long, my hamstrings remind me that they’ve rarely been asked to do this (for almost 30 years now). I can still walk forever without tiring on flat surfaces, but steep hills are a different beast.

Not too far before the slope evens out some though, so the reminders of my deteriorated physical conditioning don’t last too long. Even by the time I’m opening my apartment complex’s door at 1:35, I’ve barely broken a sweat from my uphill return.

Guess I’m not ready to completely keel over yet, eh.

Now it’s back to where I spend most of my apartment time (which is most of the time that I’m not at the family’s house): sitting on my couch alone and avoiding life responsibilities or finding any joy in this existence.

As I finish typing this at 2:10, it’s maybe five hours until daybreak. And I’ll fight every one of them ending.

So that I don’t have to deal with tomorrow.

Death

In all of my incessant whining about life over the last five years, there’s something that I’ve rarely mentioned:

I find myself thinking about death. A good bit. My own and others (past and present).

And this is a change that only happened as I got further into my 40s. Despite my lifelong adult unhappiness, I was never the type to have a morbid frame of mind when I was younger. Back then, it just didn’t come to mind much. Like many depressed people, I just floated through my daily existence.

But now, it’s creeping in all the time. Especially since I’m now at the stage where the adults from my childhood are all elderly (or already gone). And I’m not talking about anything personal there either. I’ll see a game show host from the ’80s on a youtube video, and think to myself “he’s dead now”.

Not healthy, I know. But unavoidable lately.

What’s worse is that this is another part of the midlife crisis that could easily become permanent. Actually, it’ll probably get even worse. If I’m already starting to think about death regularly at 50, imagine how I might be about my mortality way down the road.

Another quote from Shawshank just came to mind: “Get busy living, or get busy dying”.

Maybe someday I’ll learn to become capable of that.

More music cheese (and the associated life hurt)

Another addition to the music guilty pleasure admissions: I enjoy some Kenny G songs. And yes, I just admitted it.

At this point, I’d probably need plenty of entries highlighting all of the other socially “acceptable” genres that I like (to even things out). But the tone of this blog rarely fits a comparison to, say, when Ice Cube was steady mobbin. Anyway….

I’ve been watching the video for “Silhouette” more and more lately. It’s supposed to be a modest celebration of life and his music. But for me, it just digs the life pain dagger in that much deeper.

You wouldn’t think that the video would make anyone react like that. Because it’s pretty basic: he walks alone (after his concert ends) to a nice restaurant. Says hello to a fellow sax playing doorman and some of the patrons, who are mostly in their 30s. Plays a quick solo for a starstruck woman (which is supposed to be the climax of the song). Then leaves and starts walking home.

Why would that even bother me so much? Because it subtly represents a lot of my unhappy life and what I’m missing.

Because despite his mixing with the crowd, Kenny is still alone the entire time. He’s an outsider to the happy couples and friends having their dinner and enjoying themselves, and then his night ends alone.

And during the restaurant scenes, you see one couple dancing the night away for a few seconds. The joy on the woman’s face encompasses everything that’s good and healthy about life. She’s caught up in the moment and whisked away to that surreal level of happiness that comes with it.

The good times. That socialization. The connection with another person. And the bright smile that emanates from it all.

It’s pretty much everything that my life never has anymore. And didn’t have much of during my 20s and 30s either. Now I’ve just turned 50 (and can only watch others experience those times and years). Even if it’s in the form of a music video from the late ’80s. And that hurts.

So at this point, this “midlife” crisis seems like a misnomer. Because I don’t know if I’ll ever get past this. Being able to accept these older stages of life may never happen. And I may never be able to lose this pain and regret.

Until the bitter end.

Somewhere out there…

…beneath the pale moonlight.

As I was making my latest late night drive home recently, that song came on the radio. On this AM station of various easy-listening 60s to 80s music that I’d just discovered.

The moment I heard it start (especially given the backdrop of being out at night with the moon in front of me), something hit me differently about the song. And I knew it’d take on a new significance for the rest of my life.

Not for the main reason that most would think, though. Naturally the song’s about a lonely soul hoping to finally have loved ones around again. But since I know how hapless the chances are of curing that kinda pain in my life, that part doesn’t even register too much.

So what DOES it mean most to me?

The fledgling hope that life happiness, peace, and redemption could possibly still be out there. Somehow, some way. Even though I know the realistic chances of that are extremely slim.

So when that song comes on now, it changes me for a few minutes. Into that little kid who’s lost (or never had) someone or something that means the most in their life . Who’s sitting outside at night looking at the stars. Making that wish that the sadness will go away someday.

And I need that extra escape. Because things are only getting still worse. Not only do I continue to never make progress on improving any of my issues, but the rest of life continues to deteriorate too. Mom is regressing again. I only get older and unhealthier at an ever-quickening pace. Finances continue to worsen because of my endless string of past and current mistakes. And once my current resume gap gets much longer (which could easily happen since mom will need more back surgery soon, which will require a long time on the road for rehabilitation), then it’ll become that much more difficult to find a new 9 to 5.

With your world crumbling around you, it can feel like that’s all you have left.

To wish on that bright star.

Life as a dream

You know those dreams when you feel like you’re just looking on from the outside at what happens to you?

As I watch yet another Saturday night of endless people living their life around me, an unsettling thought hit me: that even back when I was having some of those experiences (that are supposed to define much of the happiness that we hope to have), that was how REAL life usually felt to me.

I was there in body. And my mind was aware of everything going on. But I wasn’t actually living it. I’ve recently talked plenty about how I don’t connect deeply with others, but this brings a whole new level to it: not connecting with my surroundings either.

And that makes you feel that much more apart from the world.

Typical advice here would be “just live in the moment”. Well, obviously that’s what you should be doing. But it’s not something you can decide on. You either feel that, or you don’t. And most people do.

I am not most people.

My world

My world is filled with darkness, unhappiness, loneliness, and failure.

My world goes back and forth between flailing, distant hope and accepting a permanently doomed fate.

My world is a constant reminder of how weak I am. And always have been in too many ways.

My world wishes for the young adult energy-filled type good time breaks from my hell (occasional dating, nights out, etc) that are now forever gone.

My world has a laundry list of long gone, lost opportunities (and an empty list of realistic future ones).

My world consists of living in the past as much as possible.

My world feeds off of escape from itself.

My world is spending most days not wanting to have this life, but also being too scared of dying.

My world has had a lot of emotional pain and issues for the last 37 of my 49 years. And a future of physical pain and issues beginning at this age.

My world waits for a useful answer to the “how can you start caring enough to change” question (that will never come).

My world is headed for a destitute, miserable ending years down the road.

My world is not one that I’d wish on anyone.