Tag: therapy

When your life depends on it

So…..I may finally be about to meet my challenges head on.

While the meeting with my high school mate’s gym manager (and the follow up) did not work out, I’ve set up a consult with another personal trainer tomorrow. And have plans to call a close family friend (retired psychologist) to see if she’d be interested in talking to me for a bit. While I don’t expect her to “fix” much of what’s wrong with me, I’m hoping that she might have some fresh perspective on how to possibly go about taming my demons.

It can’t hurt to give it a try, anyway.

This means that I’m attempting to better myself both physically and psychologically at the same time. Hopefully it won’t be too much to handle at once, but it’s tough to imagine improving much without both parts going hand-in-hand. One has to support the other along the way.

That being said: I am still very concerned about the viability of any such journey’s chances for much success. I’ve read so much about the limitations that human beings have in permanently making these types of changes. Especially when depression is at the forefront. And I’ll have to find a lot of mental strength and willpower that I’ve never had before. So, a student of the odds such as myself knows what I’m up against.

But there’s one thing that I have in my favor. And while it might be necessary to even have a chance to buck the long odds, it’s scary as hell at the same time:

My life depends on it.

Yes that sounds quite theatrical. And likely overstated. But I promise you, it’s not. I’ve mentioned in a prior entry about how I’ll eventually lose everything down the road if I continue this way. The timeline for that would likely be about 10 to 15 years from now.

Which means that I have two choices. Either find the strength to change my life (even if it’s virtually impossible), or end up as a derelict on the street as I hit 60 years old. Needless to say, that would not be an enjoyable way to fade into the darkness.

How far will that dire motivation go in shaping what happens from now on? Guess I’ll find out as I go. And as mentioned above, that first page of the new book is tomorrow.

We’ll see what gets written from here.

Depression and therapy….a still deeper look

This evening I watched a one-hour lecture on youtube by a leading clinical psychologist and depression expert called “how to recover from depression”. At least they got right to the point with that title, eh?

Here are my conclusions from it and how they relate (or, should I say, DON’T relate) much to my situation.

When it comes to making breakthroughs with someone’s depression, it was clear that this psychologist, who has been in the field for 40 years, is used to having to focus on these two factors:

People are often very poor at critical thinking and staying logical. It’s kind of sad how limited many are at those skills, and how often it keeps them stuck in a world of unrealistic and inaccurate feelings and thoughts.

And, lack of awareness. Naturally that one is even more exaggerated with those who are the most self-obsessed. Not just a lack of awareness of themselves, but also of the world around them.

So when you combine those variables, poor decision-making and focus obviously gets pretty severe. Especially when you factor in the negative emotions and moods involved with depression. And when it comes to therapy, basically they need to be taught practically everything about what’s going on and how to attempt improving themselves.

How does this compare to my own battle with depression then? Unfortunately, not too much.

Why? Because while my own demons and faults are naturally also quite lengthy, those factors above are two of my biggest strengths instead.

My main issues, as I’ve noted in this blog at times, are (going to greatly summarize here): willpower, caring enough about life, and subconsciously avoiding being happy on a regular basis.

And in the full hour that he spoke, guess how often he brings any of that up?

Yep. Not once.

This reinforces most of what I’ve learned and experienced before about this topic. Most therapists’ comfort zone is figuring out your issues, teaching you more about yourself, and recommending steps to solve the problems.

But what they don’t spend nearly enough time on is: how do you muster the energy and willpower to consistently DO what you should? I know that’s a lot tougher task than setting up the basics, but that doesn’t mean it should play second fiddle like it usually does.

Especially for someone in my situation.

And as far as that goes, I should also add that in addition to realistic analysis and awareness being some of my greatest strengths, you can also throw in how the lifelong work (in my very unusual career fields) goes back and forth between functioning as a career and a degenerative addiction. Hint: it has little to do with simply being addicted to your work. There’s another deeper and complicated level to it; one that I won’t belabor now.

While I’m sure they encounter the former occasionally, good luck finding someone who’s ever dealt with the unique career/problematic addiction combo.

Sooooo when you put it all together, you can see how after just one session learning my life story, situation, and strengths/weaknesses, every therapist I’ve ever tried is caught way off guard (and totally lost about what it all means and how to proceed).

And when that happens, I wish I could just scream “Don’t worry about it! I’ve already got most of the problems and probable solutions figured out. I just need to learn more about what actions to take for what’s holding me back (willpower, happiness, etc)”.

But that’s not how they seem to work. Of course they have their usual plan and procedures for giving their therapy. And it’d be completely unfair for them to have to deviate much from those. So I totally understand and accept why they don’t want to get so far out of their comfort zone.

Unfortunately though, it leaves me right back in my usual spot: having to tackle all of this on my own.

And regardless of how much you can figure out (and how much of a loner we are), everyone needs some support to dig out of a depressive hole this deep.

Which is just not there.

More on my self-therapy situation: depression, addiction, work, and the rest

In a past entry, I mentioned how I sometimes sabotage myself with large, poorly constructed risks with my financial markets trading and advantage gambling (as opposed to how I usually value money appropriately when it comes to buying baseball cards). And I asked the question “can I train my mind to always treat my trading/betting like I do my card buying?”

After some more analysis about the many details that lead to these behaviors, I’ve come up with some answers to that. Yes, this is me both in the therapist’s chair AND on the therapist’s couch at the same time.

Getting to the bottom of this involves a deep look at what drives me to make these choices. Not surprisingly, the thought processes and psychological/emotional reactions for the good are much different than the bad. Things also get pretty complex, because there are various sides to most of my endeavors (including how some of them involve making a living).

With the sports cards, there is both a speculation and a collectible/nostalgia aspect. But my focus at the moment is much moreso the collectible side. Naturally I hope that they go up in value, but that’s not my main reason behind buying them. Therefore, my mind only kicks into a “get the best value” mode. It’s like being a competent shopper. I don’t like the feeling of overpaying or wasting anything in these spots, so my comfort zone is keeping a healthy focus on making the best choices.

And when I’m handling my trading/advantage gambling the right way (which isn’t nearly often enough), there are similarities to the cards. I’m looking for only the best “deals”, not risking more than I should, and zeroed in on that good feeling that comes from being competent with your money and skills. It’s not about “gambling”; it’s much more workmanlike.

Nowww the other side. The problems. Chasing the dragons from my chosen vices. As you can imagine, it’s not pretty.

What is going through my mind when my money risks turn into addictive, degenerate behavior? The answers are quite different. And again, much of it comes down to comfort levels (but this time in a very destructive way).

As I have discussed many times in the past, my depressive tendencies have ruled much of my adult life. It creates a lot of loneliness and a consistent unhappiness that usually surrounds you, and after enough years, you count on it to feel comfortable and like yourself.

All of that, in turn, leads to regular boredom and the need for highs to escape your sad existence. And is that EVER bad news for someone in my fields.

When risking money is your expertise, then what high do you gravitate toward? Large gambles. Making things “interesting”. Especially when you know that those risks will also eventually lead to the failure that puts you back in your subconsciously preferred unhappiness state.

Two birds with one stone there. Combines two of my very powerful comfort zone behavioral demons. Add in how badly I want to get some success back as quickly as possible, and it all makes these habits extremely difficult to control.

So….what are the conclusions from all this?

First, to answer my initial question, it doesn’t really seem possible to “treat the problematic side of my trading/betting like I do my card buying.” The driving forces behind each are very different, and one won’t really apply to the other.

What IS the answer then?

It appears that there may be only way to beat this, and it sounds ridiculously like a cheesy cliche. But it’s the case:

Learn to be ok with being happy. At my deepest levels.

Because as you may have noticed, most of my destructive behavior stems from that flaw. The need for highs and escapes. Sabotaging yourself. So much else.

It goes without saying how that road will not be easy. In addition to my deep-rooted depression, there are other reasons why I fight happiness (that I won’t get into now). So, it will take a huge rebuilding project to try and fight this.

But it’s my only chance.

Therapy and addiction, part two

Back when I attended some x-Anonymous meetings, one very troubling aspect of the whole environment stood out to me: the fact that even those who had “conquered” their addiction for a long time seemed to still be so unhappy and defeated. They might tell a quick story about how “I actually got to see my daughter’s graduation, and that never would’ve happened in the past”…..but while a somewhat bright smile might show for a second then, the dark and gloom immediately returned.

Before long, I learned that the reason for this was pretty clear: when it comes to kicking an addiction, their so-called cure is usually based on avoidance and diversion. Sure there’s the aspect of trying to come to terms with a lot of other parts of your life with 12 steps or whatever else, but the continuing focus is mostly on dealing with the symptoms (rather than root causes). And this is just not healthy at all. If it were, those who succeeded in Anonymous programs wouldn’t continue to struggle so badly with their daily existence. You could also say the same about many depression treatments, as it appears quite rare for anyone with past prolonged depression to really turn life around and live a lot more fulfilled and happy.

This brings up a very unsettling question: is that REALLY the best we can do to fight these issues? Are human beings so fragile that once addiction or depression has gotten hold of one for awhile, that person won’t ever have the strength to mostly conquer it ? Are these patches really the only option?

I wish I knew more answers to those questions. But I do know one thing…..when it comes to my own battle with these issues, I’m not going to settle for these half-ass standards that don’t work very well. If I can’t clean out my core issues and live a much better overall life, then there isn’t much value in trying to change.

That will always be my target and goals for these battles. Regardless of whether or not it’s been possible before.

Therapy. Three strikes and…

Most people who seek out therapy likely feel that their stories and issues are fairly unique (only to find that their therapist can quickly trace their issues to some common life speed bumps.) In my three attempts to test out therapy in the last 15 years, suffice it to say that I have not gotten that reaction.

Attempt 1 (late 20s): Spent about half a dozen sessions in a local therapist’s office. She listened, listened, and listened. Finally I eventually asked “What do you think of everything I’ve told you? Any ideas on how to tackle my issues?” She stared at me blankly, mumbled something about “maybe control issues” and then (thankfully) time was about to run out for the day. As you might guess, that was my last visit there.

Attempt 2 (early 30s): Chose someone who seemed to have a very keen insights about people (especially family). First session went ok. Got homework. Came back with the homework. While barely beginning to explain the content of the homework, got quickly barked at and told off for “interrupting like your mother would do”, which I’d barely even really done (at minimum, it didn’t warrant anywhere near such an emotional reaction from her). Clearly she was more focused on being offended and (speaking of control issues) her own, rather than actually helping a patient.

Attempt 3 (two years ago/early 40s): Scoured the entire city for the best cognitive behavioral therapist around (as I’d realized that such a results-oriented approach should’ve always been the focus for my situation). After nearly an hour of first learning about me, was told “I’ve been doing this for 20 years, and I can always pinpoint in the first session if I can help someone and am the right fit. With you, I honestly have no idea if I can. I don’t even want to charge you for the session.”

So……now you can see why I’m at the point of self-therapy. Why has my career/past/present/strengths/weaknesses seemed so unusual? Next time