Earlier today, things were alright for awhile (er, yesterday, considering it’s 4:15 AM now). Logged some extra info for my probable upcoming endeavors. Decided to talk to the manager here tomorrow about whether or not we’re all going to break protocol and just have me keep my apartment for an extra month or two while the world is stopped. Got some good dinner.
Then, the news came out about the US staying shut down until at least the end of April. Talked to my mom and learned some new info from a good friend. Didn’t take long for things to change.
For the first time since I can remember, I actually felt lost. Figuratively. Even with all of my issues, I usually feel calm and informed about future possibilities (regardless of how good or bad they might be). But this time, the uncertainty of not just my, but especially everyone’s, future has taken my mind on an uncomfortable path. Because despite all my demons and current life difficulties, I always feel like I have a rational baseline for myself and the world around me. So this is not something I’m used to.
As some of you know, there are so many parts of life that I literally have lost. Those constant reminders keep me down enough, so I really don’t need the figurative version to join in too.
So much negativity. And I detest sounding this way, because I don’t like spreading that mood to other people or coming off so whiny about it.
But at this moment, I am feeling less hope than I ever have. About myself and the rest of society. For both current and future times. And I imagine that some will think cliches like “as everything seems bleakest, that’s when it’ll turn around when you least expect it”. The thing is though, I just have a sense of irreversible doom upcoming instead. Not anything earth-shattering all at once, but still a fairly steep decline.
For once, I hope I’m wrong.
Mister A's domain 