Broken

I have to be up in about 5 1/2 hours. Why? Will get to that in a second.

At the moment, it’s 1:20 AM. And my normal hours are way too warped to adjust to being up early in the morning yet. So before a new stage of life starts then, I’m just listening to music and rehashing the same thought in my mind that’s been stuck there all week:

I think I am broken for good.

Have written endlessly about why over the last few years (so not going to repeat the many reasons again). And during those years, I’ve gone back and forth about having hope and wondering if I could fix much of what’s wrong with me.

But for the first time lately, it’s like I’m relegated to the fact that it’s not possible to.

And that comes at a time when, speaking of hope, you’d think there’d be a little more. Because tomorrow morning, I start a new 9 to 5 job. Even though that’s not what I want for my life, the offer was too good to turn down.

Basically I’m jumping back into what I’ve done occasionally in my past “traditional” career field at a spot where most people would already have put in 20+ years of relentless grind. It almost seems unfair to them.

What can I say, though. Despite all of my demons, I’m quite good at selling myself and knowing how to handle various situations. And my skill level in some areas is very high. So this job opportunity didn’t happen by chance.

I’m sure it seems like that’s bound to help my life in some ways. And sure, it will. But “help” is the key word here. Sometimes any help won’t be enough to get to the bottom of needed fixes.

Which is what I’m expecting to happen. I should be able to make this work (from a supporting myself standpoint).

But when it comes to ever turning the corner on life overall? As mentioned, I just don’t think the necessary fixes exist. Can only hope that I’m proven wrong someday.

And if I am, before it’s too late to take advantage.