It’s been six weeks now since I started the latest phase of things.
The new job isn’t bad. At first it was a struggle to get my mind caught up to anywhere near the level of knowledge necessary (as I simply didn’t have the experience that was expected for this position). But I’m getting acclimated faster than those problems show, and the department has seemed focused since I started on building things for the future around us. The thought of me, or anyone else on the team, not being the right choice is the furthest thing from their mind.
So chances are I’ll be alright there going forward. And during that time, I’ve also found that there are better opportunities to make back some of my lost success too. At least in the short term. And while my financial situation isn’t close to where it should be, I still have the available capital to take advantage of those opportunities.
It wouldn’t nearly cover all the damage I’ve done over the last 15 years, but at least it’d be a start. And enough to matter.
Why the title of this entry then? Because of the latest setback. And this one hurt more than most. Here’s why.
In addition to the other positive factors just mentioned, I’d also tried to focus much more on eliminating a main trigger that causes my bouts of destructive behavior. And at first, there seemed to be improvement. Because the first couple times I had the frustrations that lead to such behavior, I’d been able to cut off the damage faster than I normally would.
At least it’s a first step, I thought. And hoped that I could continue that trend until I eliminated the behavior permanently, especially since I now had the necessary psychological frame of mind of realistic hope to significantly rebuild in the long run.
So for the first time in my adult life, it seemed like I might really have a chance to beat my main demon. Which would finally mean the highly elusive (and very questionable) goal of feeling good about myself and being successful again.
But then about a week ago, it happened again. When it didn’t need to. Out of the blue, you just don’t have the discipline this time to hold on. And the same degeneracy happens.
And as mentioned, this time it hurt that much more. Cause for once, I really thought: maybe I’m finally in a position to turn the corner and beat this.
Not to be.
Luckily it didn’t destroy my chances to pursue things going forward (naturally a big dent, but not a crushing blow). But it’s much more about what it signifies:
That I’m still not strong enough. And if I’m not now (with more going for my chances), then will I ever be?
Since then, I’ve spent the last week holding on. While a further collapse hasn’t happened yet, unfortunately it still feels like I’m stuck back in the same hopeless frame of mind about my discipline.
What next? I really don’t know. Just have to show up every day at the office Monday through Friday and act like nothing’s wrong. Everyone at work has no idea about my struggles.
If they only knew.
Mister A's domain 