A word of warning: if you stumbled upon this entry (from the Christmas tag) and are looking for the usual joyous life stories and anecdotes about the season, then this is not for you.
In the midst of most other parts of life continuing to suffer, I’ve already begun hearing the seasonal music at the mall in the last week. Yesterday I took a few laps there to get some exercise, and it was an instant reminder of what was to come in the upcoming weeks.
Families. Holiday happiness and magic. Celebrating life. But all that did was have me fighting to stop tearing up right in public.
Why? Well, in recent years, I’ve thought more about how brutal the holidays will be for me down the road. No close family except my mother. Once she’s gone, then there won’t be anyone. Dad’s side of the family does live a few hours away. My uncle, aunt, and their families. But while we’ve always been on good terms, we’ve never been very close.
And with how I am, I don’t even want to be.
Anyway…..as Christmas approaches this year, I’ve found myself sinking into a new abyss about it. For the first time, it’s now representing all the sadness in my life. And everything I don’t have anymore (or never had), and likely won’t again. Now all I think about is the childhood Christmas joys of the past, the emptiness of the present (mom and I are just salvaging life at this point), and my future existence with the brutal loneliness of a totally forgotten person.
Sure I could attempt to make big life changes to prevent some of this. Start dating again or make attempts to bond with the rest of the family more. But I just feel like this is who I am, and that it’s the path I’m destined to take. At age 49 now, the lifelong adult depression and destructive habits and comfort zones seem too embedded in me to fight. You can’t just flip a switch and start changing into someone who genuinely welcomes companionship and happiness.
I wish I could.
Because that’s the thing. When I see those people at the mall with full lives this time of year, I don’t wish I was them.
My wish is that I wanted to be them.
Mister A's domain 