The continued quest for freedom

I’ve talked some in recent months about having to juggle the various career options that will soon be in front of me. But I’ve never really mentioned just how much I want to lean toward working on my own again.

For those who know me, that is no surprise. I’ve never been the 9 to 5 type, because that means dealing with…..well, people. And more importantly, bosses. While I’ve always gotten along well with anyone around me in an office environment, the people thing still isn’t for me.

And, well, bosses. Probably shouldn’t even get started. Do I have a problem with authority? You could say so. But it’s not because I can’t handle being told what to do; it’s because so many human beings with power don’t have the character qualities necessary to handle it well enough. And I’m not the type who can easily sit back and let poor treatment just roll off my back.

The other main reason that the real work world isn’t for me is that the strengths of my skill set are perfect for making a living on my own. Unfortunately, as anyone who’s read this blog knows, my faults can just as easily destroy that advantage. Still, it’s always felt like that balancing act is what’s meant for me. Always will be.

So, the good news lately is that I’ve made some strides toward having that freedom again. Recent weeks have been very helpful. And I actually should have done a good bit better; a great trading opportunity wasn’t nearly capitalized on enough. But, the reason for that is that this particular trade was more of a gamble worth taking (as opposed to something where I had a safer advantage). Given my current situation, I felt like I needed to play it more conservatively. Should have done that in a different way that allowed for more upside, though.

As you can see, my world is still an ever-changing mess of ebbs and flows, ups and downs.

Also still have too many of my destructive urges. I’ve battled through them (and, at times, gotten away with them) lately, but that still doesn’t make it ok. I HAVE to find a way to have consistently better discipline. Just being so-so that way won’t cut it. Especially since I have a little more to lose now than I did not too long ago.

The life doors I need to get through aren’t open yet, but now they’ve been unlocked and cracked again. And it’s up to me to take advantage of this (likely) final chance to get through them.

Because I can’t afford to fail one last time. Either financially or psychologically

Back and forth

That describes how my psychological state continues to be. Per usual, it’s not in more extreme manic ways. But it’s still enough to keep me off balance and unsure about whether or not I’ll ever turn things around.

More “per usual”: for awhile, I’ll tame my demons. Avoid making damaging financial mistakes. But then I’ll make more typical decisions that drag me back down. Overall, it hasn’t been bad for the last month. So at least there’s that. But unless I can stop the bad habits, it’ll only be a matter of time before new lows happen again.

In the meantime, my sports card collection has become a force. As a nest egg, as a much-needed enjoyable lifetime hobby, and as an outlet for funds that would likely be wasted otherwise. It’s come together exactly as I’d hoped so far, and it’s even appreciated some in value already (which I didn’t expect to happen so quickly).

That’s the good news. The bad news is that even if I do start buying/selling cards as a side business, most of the current collection won’t be for sale. So it also restrains my financial freedom going forward.

Which is especially important since I’m still not sure if I’ll get a new 9 to 5 (or count on the remainder of my inheritance to fund the ventures that I mentioned in prior entries). Or even if many of those will be possible, now that my target city may never be the same.

But the thing is: even though it may not be possible to make it there anymore, there isn’t much downside to finding out at the moment. Even without much of a parachute. Because at this point in our COVID society, how likely is it to find the type of white collar job that I’d need anytime soon? My lease extension runs out in two months, and there won’t be many options yet by then.

Sooo that likely means that late this summer, I’ll just pack up and head….oops, almost said the direction. Even though at this point, there’s more reason to doubt if it can work out. But I may has well find out.

Because it feels like there’s not much to lose anymore.

Back to the title

The title of this blog, that is.

My entries have gotten away from one of the main reasons why I started writing to begin with: the effect that entering middle-age is having on me.

And this has not been a good night.

I see some friends talking about their children entering the same university this fall that I went to. One who was a very good friend there. But that didn’t really cause any problems. Until I combined it with putting on this ambient music mix a little bit ago. The type you would hear in the background at a posh lounge.

Even though that’s never been my atmosphere, it still hit home to think about it. Because it reminds me of youth. Of life. Of energy with people. Of enjoying the world. Of losing yourself in the moment.

All of the things I don’t have anymore, and much that I wasted away when I could’ve had them. When you combine that with having to rebuild every part of your life at 45, then the hopeless feelings just take over again.

Until tonight, I’d been more focused lately on the hope of moving on with some meaning for the future. Now, I can’t shake how unlikely it seems for that to actually happen. When you have to start over from basically the ground up (at this age), there’s just too much to overcome and not enough energy, desire, or years to get it done. In time to matter, anyway.

And out of all the other depressed and damaged people I know, virtually all of them have something to live for. Family, a significant other, friends, or especially their children. As I’ve expressed before, so little of that barely matters at all to me.

It’s much tougher to battle on when there are none of those things to keep you going. All I know is that it’s a good thing I’d never be suicidal, regardless of what happens.

What does all that mean? That I’ll probably just stay trapped.

Locked endlessly in the prison that my own mind and choices have created.

Differences between common addictions

I came to a bit of a realization about this topic this morning. Won’t be a very long entry, but maybe this could be beneficial if it helps anyone see a new side of their own vices.

My problematic addiction is having destructive gambling tendencies within my day to day career-based money risking endeavors. And there is such a big difference between a psychological vice like it (and a more combo psychological/physiological vice like drug addiction):

It’s been about a week since I’ve given in to any problematic behavior, and that sort of timeline is commonplace. Whereas a heavy alcoholic usually can’t wait a day to get a fix. Sometimes not even a number of hours.

BUT….

Though I can go long periods of time without sabotaging myself, the major problem is this: even if I spend two years, let’s say, properly grinding away in my brokerage account (and turn $20,000 into $100,000 during that time), all it takes is ONE gigantic slip, or a quick series of big slips, for that 100 grand to disappear. It could be gone in an hour, and the prior two years would be wasted, ruined, and useless.

With a heavy alcoholic or any other strong physiological vice, there’s that need for the regular hit. BUT….if an alcoholic gets sober for six months (and then goes on a bender for an evening), you can only do so much damage in one day. At least your body got a break for all that time.

So basically…..my type of vice sometimes can just hit you at once. The “breaks” from the damage are more intermittent, and it’s easy to be on and off. And just one big mistake (at any time) can easily catch up with you. While for anyone with a more chemical dependency, it seems like more of a steady decline.

Both types of these addictions can naturally be very lethal. As you can probably tell, I’m just noting the differences and not weighing one more than the other.

Awareness of these differences greatly matters though. For the addict AND those treating them.

Self-therapy, part 2. Finding happiness, and the main barrier with starting that journey

First….yep, I finally added an image to my thumbnail. And yes, it took forever. But hey, at least it was less than a year 😛

Now, onto business.

Yesterday I mentioned how the only chance to salvage the second half of my life was to learn how to be ok with happiness. You can also include making substantial progress with the other aspects of my depression; that goes without saying.

This would be a very difficult and long road for anyone. But in my spot, there’s something else that may need resolved before I can even get very far. And the problem is, this may be an issue that doesn’t have a very good solution:

Becoming successful again with my career and finances. Or, at least recovering much of what I lost to start with.

I know that the general reaction to that will be “but much of life, success, and happiness isn’t about money!” Yes, that is usually true. But you have to understand how my entire adulthood has been centered around supporting myself that way. It’s not about having lots of actual $; it’s about how this a core part of my identity, and always will be. Not to mention the pride that goes along with succeeding at being your own boss.

So as long as I have failed in that aspect of life, I will continue to feel like I’ve failed overall. And could you really find happiness with that always lingering in the back of your mind?

If building success back the “right” way was going to take, say, just a few years, then I could manage that. But there lies the problem: my current lack of opportunities make that highly unlikely. This I’ve discussed before, and it presents a major barrier (not just for my finances, but even moreso for my state of mind). Because while I’m ok with having some patience, I’m not alright with grinding away until I’m 65 to come full circle.

This means that I may have to still take some bigger chances. I emphasize MAY, because I’ll have to think some more about whether or not it’s worth it (and the consequences if that wouldn’t work out).

These wouldn’t be the same hopeless larger risks (done for just a high) that I referred to in my last entry. It would be about focused, realistic chances to land just the bigger score(s) necessary. And then if that happens, returning to the “right” ways overall and entering my rebuilding phase with a clear conscience.

It would have to be with my financial market trading, because advantage gambling with an edge (in the current environment) has to be much more of a slow build for my situation. I’m sure you’re not surprised that the casinos don’t make it possible to intelligently crush them for large amounts overnight.

The good news is that if I go that route, I have the ability to find trades with incredible short-term potential. The bad news is that I missed out on two amazing ones in just the last year (one of which I blogged about), and they aren’t easy at all to come up with. So I may have already missed the boat. I can’t count on replicating those results anytime soon.

But I still may have to give it a shot.

More on my self-therapy situation: depression, addiction, work, and the rest

In a past entry, I mentioned how I sometimes sabotage myself with large, poorly constructed risks with my financial markets trading and advantage gambling (as opposed to how I usually value money appropriately when it comes to buying baseball cards). And I asked the question “can I train my mind to always treat my trading/betting like I do my card buying?”

After some more analysis about the many details that lead to these behaviors, I’ve come up with some answers to that. Yes, this is me both in the therapist’s chair AND on the therapist’s couch at the same time.

Getting to the bottom of this involves a deep look at what drives me to make these choices. Not surprisingly, the thought processes and psychological/emotional reactions for the good are much different than the bad. Things also get pretty complex, because there are various sides to most of my endeavors (including how some of them involve making a living).

With the sports cards, there is both a speculation and a collectible/nostalgia aspect. But my focus at the moment is much moreso the collectible side. Naturally I hope that they go up in value, but that’s not my main reason behind buying them. Therefore, my mind only kicks into a “get the best value” mode. It’s like being a competent shopper. I don’t like the feeling of overpaying or wasting anything in these spots, so my comfort zone is keeping a healthy focus on making the best choices.

And when I’m handling my trading/advantage gambling the right way (which isn’t nearly often enough), there are similarities to the cards. I’m looking for only the best “deals”, not risking more than I should, and zeroed in on that good feeling that comes from being competent with your money and skills. It’s not about “gambling”; it’s much more workmanlike.

Nowww the other side. The problems. Chasing the dragons from my chosen vices. As you can imagine, it’s not pretty.

What is going through my mind when my money risks turn into addictive, degenerate behavior? The answers are quite different. And again, much of it comes down to comfort levels (but this time in a very destructive way).

As I have discussed many times in the past, my depressive tendencies have ruled much of my adult life. It creates a lot of loneliness and a consistent unhappiness that usually surrounds you, and after enough years, you count on it to feel comfortable and like yourself.

All of that, in turn, leads to regular boredom and the need for highs to escape your sad existence. And is that EVER bad news for someone in my fields.

When risking money is your expertise, then what high do you gravitate toward? Large gambles. Making things “interesting”. Especially when you know that those risks will also eventually lead to the failure that puts you back in your subconsciously preferred unhappiness state.

Two birds with one stone there. Combines two of my very powerful comfort zone behavioral demons. Add in how badly I want to get some success back as quickly as possible, and it all makes these habits extremely difficult to control.

So….what are the conclusions from all this?

First, to answer my initial question, it doesn’t really seem possible to “treat the problematic side of my trading/betting like I do my card buying.” The driving forces behind each are very different, and one won’t really apply to the other.

What IS the answer then?

It appears that there may be only way to beat this, and it sounds ridiculously like a cheesy cliche. But it’s the case:

Learn to be ok with being happy. At my deepest levels.

Because as you may have noticed, most of my destructive behavior stems from that flaw. The need for highs and escapes. Sabotaging yourself. So much else.

It goes without saying how that road will not be easy. In addition to my deep-rooted depression, there are other reasons why I fight happiness (that I won’t get into now). So, it will take a huge rebuilding project to try and fight this.

But it’s my only chance.

Who’s behind the three doors?

One topic that I’ve never talked about here is my past love life. I say “past” because, given my current state of mind and life situation, it’s not something that I’m focused on at all. That’s been the case for a long time now; my longest relationship was two years, and that was almost 20 years ago (when I was about 25).

But since that time, I have met three people that stood out. You know, the ones where you can both tell that something unusually good might be possible. Though the reason why that’s the case is different for them all. Listed in no particular order (so that you’d have to guess who I think the best chance would theoretically be for something real) 😛 These are all women who I’m still in regular contact with all the time.

Someone I’ve only known for a few years. When we’ve hung out, it just works. In all ways…..seeming like a “couple”, physically, and being very close friends all at the same time. And I currently chat with her more than anyone else. But from the beginning, she has kept her distance for various reasons. And, of course, being who I am, I keep my distance as well. It’s just the second time in my life when someone who makes it clear (and has shown) how much they “like” me keeps me pushed away at the same time. Always an interesting dynamic.

Then, there’s the woman who I’ve spent a total of three hours with in my life since we’ve never lived in the same place (and that was 10 years ago). Yep, she is still on this list. Why? Because for both of us, it was clearly the most electric chemistry that we’ve ever experienced. To the point where we still remember it now. We also share similar views on a lot of things and connect great intellectually. But….we are so, so different. Mixing lifestyles would be a big problem. And to be honest, she can be very difficult to get along with. Being with her would be one of those relationships that always has peaks and valleys. Some love/hate. Would that volatility make the spark even stronger though? I’m not sure, especially since that type of situation has never been my style.

And finally, there’s the friend who’s just like me. The one where it seems like you’ve known her since she was in pigtails (even though it’s been for like the last 15 years), and things have always been just platonic. When she “indulges”, shall we say, I always hear how I am her soulmate. Despite the fact that she’s been in a loveless marriage for many, many years (that’s always a fun snag, eh). She is the wildcard here. Because with the others, I’ve experienced the mutual attraction and physical chemistry. But in this case, I don’t even know if either of us would ever cross that line to find that out. Part of me could see it making sense, but the other part isn’t sure if we’d be feelin’ it. But when you have such a bond with someone, then you can’t help but be curious.

By now you may be wondering “do you think something more serious will ever develop with any of these women? Are you going to find out?” If I’m being honest, the answer is that I doubt it. It’s possible, but you definitely couldn’t count on it. And the main reason why is fairly sad.

Despite all of the differences I’ve mentioned among the three, there is one detail that we all share (including myself):

Being badly damaged. Not from heartbreak, but for so many other reasons.

Broken souls may find each other, but it’s very difficult for them to mesh into something real.

Especially when so much of life is behind you.

Hope or not? The current life tug of war

At the moment I just finished half of a new book (though it’s a story I already know by heart). While my own vices are very different from the main character in the story, my life path may end up the same. More on that later.

Not only is my life about halfway over at this point, but I’m also at the midway point/crossroads of the direction it will take. Only two forks upcoming in the road, and before long I’ll likely be destined toward one of those paths:

A life of purpose, or a downward spiral of permanent despair. And I can clearly see both of these opposite sides of the spectrum.

The purpose would come from new businesses and other possible opportunities, a permanent “home” for the first time, and other ways to make the most of the second half of my existence. In the place I was meant to be. Happiness that can only probably begin from living in that city for good.

Or, just giving in completely to the despair and hopelessness that the city I’ll call home can accommodate better than no other. Not having the willpower to get past the depression, the loneliness that I invite (rather than fight), or any of my other demons. A dark, tragic, premature ending similar to that book.

I know it sounds like I’m being overly dramatic, but this actually is my current situation. And the thing is (and true to my oddsmaking background)……I’d say the chances of both results are about 50/50. That makes things even more intriguing, too. Cause it’s a lot more interesting when the likely outcome is so unclear.

Then you have the current state of the world. Holding me (and most people) in limbo until society turns back to normal. That makes it seem even more surreal to be standing on the edge of this crossroads at the moment. Not being able to move yet.

But before long, it will be time for steps to be taken. My former (and new again) city will be where I decide my fate, one way or the other.

Anyone who has read a lot of my posts might be able to figure out where that city is. A much bigger hint is the book I just referred to, though given my background, you may not have needed it. That story was made into a well-known movie as well (generous hint #2).

I welcome anyone to stay tuned and see what happens. You’re going to see either a rebirth or a tragedy unfold.

And hopefully I will continue to document it all here.

Car repair

Me picking up a car from being repaired:

2:00 pm Me: “Hi, I’m here to pick up my car. It’s under (my name)”

2:01 pm Car guy: “Ok, here’s the paperwork and total”

Me *checks info, hands card for payment, gets keys*

2:03 pm Me: “Thank you”

—-

Mom picking up a car from being repaired:

2:00 pm Mom: “Helloooo I’m (her name). What’s your name?”

2:01 pm Car Guy: “Dan Smith”

2:01 pm Mom: “Ohhh I knew so many Smiths! Were you related to Nancy?”

2:02 pm Car Guy (polite patient smile attached): “I think Nancy was a distant cousin, ma’am. She grew up on xyz street”

2:03 pm Mom: “I bet I had her in school! Did she go to…..”
.
.
4:23 pm Car Guy (polite smile hanging on by a thread): “Ma’am, did you need anything?”

4:24 pm Mom: “I’m picking up my car. Let me find my checkbook…..”

*finishes finding and filling out most of the check eventually*

4:35 pm Mom: “What was the name of this place again?”

4:36 pm Car Guy: “Don’t worry about it ma’am, we have a stamp.

4:37 pm: Mom: “ok. Thanks so much!! Where is the car?”

4:38 pm: Car Guy: “It’s pulled up right next to you ma’am”

*mom leaves*

4:40 pm *car guy jumps out 10 story window*

…….

5:00 pm *mom calls me* “I got the car”

5:00 pm Me: “You’re just getting back now?”

5:01 pm Mom: “It took forever. They were so busy”

Life dreams

Most kids grow up dreaming about their future. It may be the usual possible ones (a big house, a spouse and kids) or the one in a million goals (playing in the World Series, winning the lottery). But it’s usually something along those lines.

Not me.

During my childhood, I never really thought much about what I wanted as an adult. Sure I hoped to somehow be successful and enjoy life, but I just wasn’t the type who spent any time zeroing in on exactly what I wanted. This led to me applying to the wrong “target” university at the wrong time, and then to changing majors after my first semester at the large university that I did go to.

At that point I had some more concrete direction for the first time, but there was still plenty to learn. About 10 years after that, I left to go after my first life “dream”. And, well, look back to my “California Dreamin” entry to see the unfortunate result of that.

So…..where has that left things since on the dream front for about the last dozen years? In a very strange place. And one that’s hard to explain. While most people (even as adults) still yearn for nice things, power, a loving spouse, children, and so on…….those are the last thing on my mind.

What is there for someone in my situation to fondly wish for?

A total lack of responsibility. Combined with a complete escape from living much life. Sitting alone in a modest hotel room day after day. No work and few (if any) people to stay in touch with.

Only leaving during the day when it’s necessary to get food or run an urgent errand. Only leaving during the night to take a walk when it’s warm outside and there are no sounds but the cars passing by and the ticking of stoplights changing. A life that mostly shuts down your senses.

Because living in a mirage of escape is much easier than living in the real world.