Tag: loneliness

Caught in between

For the past couple of weeks, I have been way south. Checking out the state that should be my next stop for maybe a couple of years, while I hope to iron out so much of life and get prepared for my final destination as soon as possible.

But this has not been easy.

Though I read many of the books that I’d gotten on trying to improve my willpower, diet, and other demons, I’m not in a spot to apply them until I’m settled in somewhere again. So in the meantime, I continue to make the same destructive mistakes.

Then there’s the job hunt. Not surprisingly, I don’t have too many close personal contacts. And in this covid world, that’s even more vital for finding something white collar. It’s hard enough to stay motivated as it is, much less when you look at a dime-a-dozen posting in your field on Linkedin (that’s only six days old), and see that over 100 people have already applied. With my limited 9 to 5 job work experience, there is no way I can compete with even 5 people per opening, much less over 100.

At this point, I simply don’t know how I will solve that employment dilemma.

So I sit here now as we speak, dreading the thought of going to see an old friend tomorrow for a few days, and having to act all normal ok social, yattada yattada. For everyone else who deals with constant depression, you know what THAT’S like. Especially when you’re in the midst of one of those times where your life issues are even more of an urgent problem than they normally are.

One of those times where you wish you could just hibernate until the world has totally changed. No matter how long it takes.

Or even if it never does.

Loner chronicles, part 2

Well, part one was many months ago. Feel free to search for it (because that would require such extra effort at the moment).

When I mentioned last night that I’d mention the alone part of this long trip in my next entry, I had no idea that this evening would drive things home even more. Thanks to a craving for spaghetti and meatballs, which is naturally the root of all evil.

Decided to just take the car out and search for whatever caught my eye close by, and found an Italian restaurant not far from where I used to live in this city (though I’d never been there).

Table for one.

In any other town but this one, eating alone in this restaurant would’ve really stood out. But since anything goes here and there are so many tourists, it wasn’t as noticeable. Still though, the experience drove home one of the problems with a loner lifestyle that much more.

I should clarify that I don’t actually wish for the company of other people very often, and I’ve even mentioned before how I usually prefer to spend most of my time alone. But here’s the thing: just because it’s my comfort zone doesn’t mean that you don’t feel disillusioned about it sometimes. And in my case, that’s because you know that the loner lifestyle is not often as fulfilling as those who genuinely live the typical fuller life with family, friends, and acquaintances.

And that’s the part that can hurt: knowing that not only would you be happier with more connections with others, but that you’re trapped in a mindset of not wanting that anyway.

Despite all of that, it’s not something that I’ll probably ever change much (if at all). It’s who I’ve been since I was a little kid; even though I lived a suburban childhood that was always around other kids, my home base has always been my own little world first. As I’ve mentioned in prior entries, it’s never come naturally for me to bond much with others.

That still happens though; I have normal communication and friendships/family life in the world. But the difference is that I just don’t feel the same kind of deep connection with them as most people do.

And it shows.

So for everyone who lives the more typical life with people and these life experiences: take a moment now and then to appreciate it.

Because some of us will never know that world

Moving on…yet again

I’m now moved out of my place, except for the rest of the cleaning and loading up some things to bring with me. That will take the rest of the weekend, so I’m at a hotel until Monday morning. But since I’m still in town and have stuff to do, it doesn’t have the same enjoyable feeling of escape that I recently described for my hotel ventures.

This move doesn’t feel the same as the last two, because I knew that they would be somewhat temporary (due to my dad getting so sick). But now, there’s more pressure about finding my first hopefully permanent solution in a long time. Though thanks to the current COVID world, even that is very iffy at the moment.

Unfortunately, things are not going that well. Financially or otherwise. Attempting to get planted in my target city for good is still possible, but definitely questionable. And now it might be delayed because of my mom going out of town to some different doctors soon (along with the constant threat of citywide or statewide shutdowns at my destination and elsewhere).

Basically there are new unavoidable barriers everywhere. As if I hadn’t already created enough of those on my own.

So I’m feeling more antsy than I normally would about all of this. Mom should find out any day now when her doctor’s appointment might be, so at least I should know soon if I can keep my expected departure date of August 11.

And looking at my empty place as I finish up this weekend won’t help. Even though I knew I wouldn’t stay in this city for the long term, jumping all over the place every so often (for the last 15 years) gives an uneasy feeling about how you’re handling life. Especially since with each of the last few moves, I’ve slipped further and further into more troublesome and empty future possibilities.

That’s why I hope that this next one sets me up for the rest of my life. Or if the COVID world delays that for a couple months (or even a couple years), that I get there soon enough to salvage the chance at creating some remaining good years.

Maybe six months ago, I wrote a post about my future was soon going to turn into either a rebirth or a destruction of life (and that there was about a 50/50 chance of each). But with these new developments since then, I’d say even that sounds too optimistic.

I guess we’ll find out.

Save tonight

Save tonight, and fight the break of dawn.

A big hit song from 1997 about lovers who are about to be separated the following morning. But in my case, those lyrics fit virtually every day. It’s 6:15 AM here at the moment and happening as we speak

Yep, I think a lot about escapes and being away from humanity. And this makes for back-to-back entries about them. There is something so serene and relaxing about late night existence. Businesses are closed and most people are inside asleep (or quietly in the same boat as I am).

You can hear a single car pass by, the click of a stoplight changing, or the distant occasional bark of a dog. Sometimes the sound of an ambulance siren that’s much more ominous than when other noises are competing with it during the day. Look up into the limitless dark, and see the universe that reaches beyond anyone’s imagination and possibilities.

And, just as I mentioned the last time: when you’re depressed, stuck with your life, and not doing nearly enough to solve your issues….you don’t feel obliged to take care of business that can only be addressed during the workday. A brief respite from the gloom and antsyness that comes from often feeling down about yourself in that way.

But when the morning comes, all of the above goes away. And you feel some disappointment that you have to wait for the next sunset for your favorite time of day to come back.

The good thing is that since I’m a warm weather person, whenever I’m living in a seasonal climate, the warmth I cherish is a decent tradeoff for the longer days of that time of year. And vice versa. I would rather have nonstop give/take for the year than six months each of all the best or the worst. That wouldn’t be good for my state of mind.

Still though, regardless of the warmth, it’s not easy fighting every daybreak. And I hope to eventually not feel this way about life’s existence at some point.

Differences between common addictions

I came to a bit of a realization about this topic this morning. Won’t be a very long entry, but maybe this could be beneficial if it helps anyone see a new side of their own vices.

My problematic addiction is having destructive gambling tendencies within my day to day career-based money risking endeavors. And there is such a big difference between a psychological vice like it (and a more combo psychological/physiological vice like drug addiction):

It’s been about a week since I’ve given in to any problematic behavior, and that sort of timeline is commonplace. Whereas a heavy alcoholic usually can’t wait a day to get a fix. Sometimes not even a number of hours.

BUT….

Though I can go long periods of time without sabotaging myself, the major problem is this: even if I spend two years, let’s say, properly grinding away in my brokerage account (and turn $20,000 into $100,000 during that time), all it takes is ONE gigantic slip, or a quick series of big slips, for that 100 grand to disappear. It could be gone in an hour, and the prior two years would be wasted, ruined, and useless.

With a heavy alcoholic or any other strong physiological vice, there’s that need for the regular hit. BUT….if an alcoholic gets sober for six months (and then goes on a bender for an evening), you can only do so much damage in one day. At least your body got a break for all that time.

So basically…..my type of vice sometimes can just hit you at once. The “breaks” from the damage are more intermittent, and it’s easy to be on and off. And just one big mistake (at any time) can easily catch up with you. While for anyone with a more chemical dependency, it seems like more of a steady decline.

Both types of these addictions can naturally be very lethal. As you can probably tell, I’m just noting the differences and not weighing one more than the other.

Awareness of these differences greatly matters though. For the addict AND those treating them.

Self-therapy, part 2. Finding happiness, and the main barrier with starting that journey

First….yep, I finally added an image to my thumbnail. And yes, it took forever. But hey, at least it was less than a year 😛

Now, onto business.

Yesterday I mentioned how the only chance to salvage the second half of my life was to learn how to be ok with happiness. You can also include making substantial progress with the other aspects of my depression; that goes without saying.

This would be a very difficult and long road for anyone. But in my spot, there’s something else that may need resolved before I can even get very far. And the problem is, this may be an issue that doesn’t have a very good solution:

Becoming successful again with my career and finances. Or, at least recovering much of what I lost to start with.

I know that the general reaction to that will be “but much of life, success, and happiness isn’t about money!” Yes, that is usually true. But you have to understand how my entire adulthood has been centered around supporting myself that way. It’s not about having lots of actual $; it’s about how this a core part of my identity, and always will be. Not to mention the pride that goes along with succeeding at being your own boss.

So as long as I have failed in that aspect of life, I will continue to feel like I’ve failed overall. And could you really find happiness with that always lingering in the back of your mind?

If building success back the “right” way was going to take, say, just a few years, then I could manage that. But there lies the problem: my current lack of opportunities make that highly unlikely. This I’ve discussed before, and it presents a major barrier (not just for my finances, but even moreso for my state of mind). Because while I’m ok with having some patience, I’m not alright with grinding away until I’m 65 to come full circle.

This means that I may have to still take some bigger chances. I emphasize MAY, because I’ll have to think some more about whether or not it’s worth it (and the consequences if that wouldn’t work out).

These wouldn’t be the same hopeless larger risks (done for just a high) that I referred to in my last entry. It would be about focused, realistic chances to land just the bigger score(s) necessary. And then if that happens, returning to the “right” ways overall and entering my rebuilding phase with a clear conscience.

It would have to be with my financial market trading, because advantage gambling with an edge (in the current environment) has to be much more of a slow build for my situation. I’m sure you’re not surprised that the casinos don’t make it possible to intelligently crush them for large amounts overnight.

The good news is that if I go that route, I have the ability to find trades with incredible short-term potential. The bad news is that I missed out on two amazing ones in just the last year (one of which I blogged about), and they aren’t easy at all to come up with. So I may have already missed the boat. I can’t count on replicating those results anytime soon.

But I still may have to give it a shot.

Who’s behind the three doors?

One topic that I’ve never talked about here is my past love life. I say “past” because, given my current state of mind and life situation, it’s not something that I’m focused on at all. That’s been the case for a long time now; my longest relationship was two years, and that was almost 20 years ago (when I was about 25).

But since that time, I have met three people that stood out. You know, the ones where you can both tell that something unusually good might be possible. Though the reason why that’s the case is different for them all. Listed in no particular order (so that you’d have to guess who I think the best chance would theoretically be for something real) 😛 These are all women who I’m still in regular contact with all the time.

Someone I’ve only known for a few years. When we’ve hung out, it just works. In all ways…..seeming like a “couple”, physically, and being very close friends all at the same time. And I currently chat with her more than anyone else. But from the beginning, she has kept her distance for various reasons. And, of course, being who I am, I keep my distance as well. It’s just the second time in my life when someone who makes it clear (and has shown) how much they “like” me keeps me pushed away at the same time. Always an interesting dynamic.

Then, there’s the woman who I’ve spent a total of three hours with in my life since we’ve never lived in the same place (and that was 10 years ago). Yep, she is still on this list. Why? Because for both of us, it was clearly the most electric chemistry that we’ve ever experienced. To the point where we still remember it now. We also share similar views on a lot of things and connect great intellectually. But….we are so, so different. Mixing lifestyles would be a big problem. And to be honest, she can be very difficult to get along with. Being with her would be one of those relationships that always has peaks and valleys. Some love/hate. Would that volatility make the spark even stronger though? I’m not sure, especially since that type of situation has never been my style.

And finally, there’s the friend who’s just like me. The one where it seems like you’ve known her since she was in pigtails (even though it’s been for like the last 15 years), and things have always been just platonic. When she “indulges”, shall we say, I always hear how I am her soulmate. Despite the fact that she’s been in a loveless marriage for many, many years (that’s always a fun snag, eh). She is the wildcard here. Because with the others, I’ve experienced the mutual attraction and physical chemistry. But in this case, I don’t even know if either of us would ever cross that line to find that out. Part of me could see it making sense, but the other part isn’t sure if we’d be feelin’ it. But when you have such a bond with someone, then you can’t help but be curious.

By now you may be wondering “do you think something more serious will ever develop with any of these women? Are you going to find out?” If I’m being honest, the answer is that I doubt it. It’s possible, but you definitely couldn’t count on it. And the main reason why is fairly sad.

Despite all of the differences I’ve mentioned among the three, there is one detail that we all share (including myself):

Being badly damaged. Not from heartbreak, but for so many other reasons.

Broken souls may find each other, but it’s very difficult for them to mesh into something real.

Especially when so much of life is behind you.

Hope or not? The current life tug of war

At the moment I just finished half of a new book (though it’s a story I already know by heart). While my own vices are very different from the main character in the story, my life path may end up the same. More on that later.

Not only is my life about halfway over at this point, but I’m also at the midway point/crossroads of the direction it will take. Only two forks upcoming in the road, and before long I’ll likely be destined toward one of those paths:

A life of purpose, or a downward spiral of permanent despair. And I can clearly see both of these opposite sides of the spectrum.

The purpose would come from new businesses and other possible opportunities, a permanent “home” for the first time, and other ways to make the most of the second half of my existence. In the place I was meant to be. Happiness that can only probably begin from living in that city for good.

Or, just giving in completely to the despair and hopelessness that the city I’ll call home can accommodate better than no other. Not having the willpower to get past the depression, the loneliness that I invite (rather than fight), or any of my other demons. A dark, tragic, premature ending similar to that book.

I know it sounds like I’m being overly dramatic, but this actually is my current situation. And the thing is (and true to my oddsmaking background)……I’d say the chances of both results are about 50/50. That makes things even more intriguing, too. Cause it’s a lot more interesting when the likely outcome is so unclear.

Then you have the current state of the world. Holding me (and most people) in limbo until society turns back to normal. That makes it seem even more surreal to be standing on the edge of this crossroads at the moment. Not being able to move yet.

But before long, it will be time for steps to be taken. My former (and new again) city will be where I decide my fate, one way or the other.

Anyone who has read a lot of my posts might be able to figure out where that city is. A much bigger hint is the book I just referred to, though given my background, you may not have needed it. That story was made into a well-known movie as well (generous hint #2).

I welcome anyone to stay tuned and see what happens. You’re going to see either a rebirth or a tragedy unfold.

And hopefully I will continue to document it all here.