addiction – Mister A’s domain

A new step update

It’s been about 2 1/2 months since I decided to restrict access for one year from the outlets that I’ve used most for my degenerative behavior with my finances.

How are things going so far?

Well, there’s no improvement in any desire to make any necessary life changes. Though that’s not very disappointing (because it’s what I expected). It would’ve been nice to surprise myself with some upside there, but…not to be.

No change to my frame of mind. I still feel the same level of failure (and hopelessness about the future) as I did before. I’m pretty much the same person. Just without the further decline of my financial future.

So has anything positive come from this new path yet? Yes and no.

I’ve found that this break has provided me some more clarity on the future. When you’re not busy destroying yourself further sometimes, there’s not much else to do but think even more about the reality of your situation. That’s the good.

The bad? That outlook is only worsening. The opportunities to rebuild with advantage gambling continue to tighten. Plus I don’t see that trend changing. Maybe not for the rest of my life. And the funny thing is, that realization hitting even deeper has actually caused my discipline to be better in the meantime. Because if there’s no viable long term plan to build back a lot of wealth, then what’s the point of even trying to run up some $ the wrong way? Even if that happens…not like I can do much further with it.

How messed up is that, eh? The future looking even worse has helped me to keep a better perspective with the present. Talk about having to find a good side however you can.

But it’s what I have to do. Especially since the other outlets from my past (sportscard dealing, financial markets trading) likely won’t be available to me soon either.

So that’s where things stand. I still hope to make some other general life progress this year, but there’s no sign of it yet. So I’m still just holding on.

Waiting for the right new chapter that will probably never happen.

Taking a new step

As this year winds down (and my degenerate habits still have me on a completely self-destructive path), I took a step today to stop the bleeding for now. Further action than I’ve ever done:

I restricted access from all the sites that facilitate my poor choices for a full year. Prior to this, the only time I’d ever done anything like that was with one site about a year and a half ago. But that still left me with way too many outlets. And now, that’s not the case anymore.

This was not easy to do. Not as much because of how it’ll take away my problem activities. Sure I’ll miss it, but I’m not the type that will go jonesing for action and have some horrible withdrawals. The main reason is because when it comes to this battle…..I hate the idea of using any avoidance techniques (rather than being able to tackle my issues head on and hopefully increase my willpower).

But at the moment, I needed a change more than ever. One that might get me to finally focus a lot more on making necessary life changes. And it’s not like I’m giving up on ever improving myself. Because if I do find a way to turn the corner on some of my demons in the next year, then come next holiday season, it’ll be time to see if I can handle risking money the right way again.

One full year. To try and do this without the looming cloud over my head of often further destroying myself and my family financially.

Don’t know how I’ll react. Because for better and worse, these activities have been part of my life for the last 35 years. Ever since I got back into sportscards in high school and occasionally bought a pack of old cards w/ the hope of hitting something big. I’ve had some prolonged breaks before, but this will still be different (because those were simply because I didn’t have the money for awhile). Cutting yourself off entirely from the activity (no matter what) just isn’t the same.

As usual, I’ll update how it’s going here whenever the mood strikes. It’s going to be an exhausting year, and my list of things that need fixed is as long as ever. Pretty much everything about life (from health to career). And given my track record, the odds may not be too good. But then, that’s why I made this change. To at least see if I end up giving it a different shot.

We’ll see who I am as of December 13, 2025.

A very short story: the worst trader in the history of the universe

“You are the worst trader in the history of the universe.”

He finds himself repeating this phrase again. A habit that he’s known all too well for a number of years now.

It wasn’t always this way. Far from it. During his 20s, he’d made a very nice living for himself trading in the stock market. But that seems like ages ago. And it was before his problematic tendencies got the best of him.

The phrase isn’t even that true. He knows that his main achilles heel is needing too much action. Not focusing on just his very best ideas, and putting too much faith (and money) in his secondary opinions that clearly aren’t as accurate.

But too often, that doesn’t stop him.

This time, one of those lesser quality ideas led to buying some call options (needing the market to go up) on Tuesday that expire at the end of the week. Options are basically the crack of the financial markets for degenerates, so he often gravitates to them.

From the very beginning, as is often the case if you don’t time option trades like these very well, it’s an uphill battle. The market ends up having a resilient Wednesday and closing a little higher. So even though there are only two days left for things to go as high as he needs, the options haven’t lost too much value yet.

Still hope. That’s all that seems to matter…..right?

But then the next morning….some economic news comes out that causes stocks to open a good bit lower. Just like that, the trade is almost dead in the water (unless there’s a quick, big reversal). He’s not expecting that to happen though, so his options will likely be worth pennies on the dollar for the rest of the day.

There’s no blaming that news report for “bad luck”. That’s something he never does, because luck evens out in the long run.

What he does curse is his decision. The lack of discipline and patience to wait for only the best spots. The relentless punishment that often endures otherwise.

Nothing left to do but hear that same resounding thought in his head again. Regardless of how true it is, it sure seems that way sometimes:

“You are the worst trader in the history of the universe”

Finding a new path

As I’m at this stage of needing to turn the corner in so many parts of life, I’m reminded of the journeys that I’ve seen other people take in such a situation.

The common main theme that I’ve noticed is this: whenever someone appears to actually accomplish a much newer, healthier path in life, they really had to put most of their mind, body, and focus into it. To the point of obsession, you might say.

But hey…..no one recovering from years of sunken-in addictive behaviors is going to be able to move forward without having their share of issues. So if getting too intense about something healthier (as a replacement “issue”) is what’s necessary for things to work, more power to them.

There’s one specific example of such a transformation who I’ve read a lot about lately. He was actually my mother’s former doctor, and his early and mid-life path was similar to mine. Someone with the talent and, back in his 20s, the opportunity to make a great life and success out of himself.

And who did so for a number of years. But then threw it all away from his depression-based addictive and degenerate behavior. And ended up hitting rock bottom in his 40s with few ways to turn things around (just like me now). Before he found his calling for the future, that is.

You might be thinking: well, why wouldn’t I use that as a guide for my own upcoming journey? Seems simple enough eh?

The answer is that his (and most others’) severe lifestyle changes in these spots are based on religion. Usually in a “giving yourself to christ” kind of way.

And that’s just not something that I believe in.

Obviously you can’t force yourself to be something you’re not. Though sometimes I wish I could. Especially since it would give me a lot more support in my battles (from that former doctor if I need it, among others).

So, it looks like if there’s a path to a better life in my case, I’ll have to clear it myself. As I’ve said in the past, I’m well used to that.

Gotta admit though……it makes me a bit envious of Dr. Z. Even though I could never see eye to eye with him on how, he eventually found a way to move forward and make the most of his future.

While it remains to be seen if I can do the same

When it comes to solving your depressive issues and destructive habits….which comes first?

One of the main obstacles in trying to fix this multi-faceted midlife crisis is this: what do I tackle first? Because when your life is as off-track as mine is (and you’ve let the problems build up for so long), there’s a long list. At the top is:

Depression
Destructive compulsive behaviors
Little energy
Avoiding happiness
Letting go of past career failures and lost successes
Lack of current career opportunities (stemming from those failures)
Absent willpower
Out of shape
Bad diet

And I could go on.

I’ve often felt that I needed to deal with the energy and out of shape issues first. Because while some people can get away with the too big belly that we sometimes develop in our 40s (and still live a productive life), I don’t have that luxury. With as much as I need to fix, feeling better about myself physically is a necessary part of the project. And obviously if you don’t have the energy to feel stronger about breaking bad habits, nothing else will likely improve anyway.

So a few weeks ago, I contacted someone I knew in high school (a jiu jitsu black belt) who owns a gym in the area that offers a personal training/diet program for people in my situation, among other classes that might help. Even called his gym’s manager and set up a time to stop by in a couple evenings.

Do you think I went? Nope. Called, cancelled, and never rescheduled. I rarely follow through on any self-improvement plans. Guess you could add that to the list above.

But after yet another big setback yesterday, I just keep getting closer and closer to that “enough is enough” mindset. And it’s still not too late to start finally trying harder to get the best of my demons.

The gym is on my way out of town to mom’s house, and I’m heading down there tonight anyway to help her out this weekend. And this is one of the nights that they open late for evening classes.

So, I just decided to stop by on my way and see if I can catch that manager for a few minutes and start working with them. Even if he’s not there or too busy, at least I can leave a message to get back in contact with me. And feel like I’ve taken the first step.

If I do become a regular at his gym, it’s going to be a LONG road of improvement ahead. Not just physically, but psychologically (and in all aspects of life).

I’ve told myself a good 99 times in the last dozen years that this had to get done. Maybe the 100th will be the charm

This will be the last time

That’s what I often say when I slip into my exasperated mode of giving it away.

Before I elaborate a little, it’s been awhile since I mentioned what I do. So: I am a 47 yr old rare breed who is a pro financial market trader and advantage gambler (made a living at it for many years, and still could)…..all while being a degenerate addict in those areas at the same time.

Confusing? Yep, I know. And for about the last dozen years, the degenerate part has gotten the best of me.

Earlier tonight, I lost composure again and entered a self-destructive mode. And the thing is, this should have been one of the least likely times for it to happen. Because now that I’ve had to move again, I’m starting up some new sports accounts in some new places. And I just found that the opportunities at these places might be more lucrative than I expected.

So why the tailspin as the evening went on? My biggest achilles heel: if a night starts out poorly, I may make stupid choices to chase the losses (that have nothing to do with betting with an edge). Or, I might bet way too big for my bankroll on something, which will always tap you in the long run at some point.

All this happens because I am way, way too impatient to get back the lost success of my younger years. That urge is just too strong to have the willpower to stop, especially given that since my life is so empty, I also lean on gambling/trading as the main part of making life feel worthwhile.

As mentioned, sometimes when I get burned this way, I tell myself that this is going to be the LAST time. That there is no way (especially in my current situation) that I can continue any problematic behavior that inevitably leads to failure.

Then I try to placate myself to not feel as bad about what just happened. Cause let’s face it, I already feel unhappy enough about my life as it is.

That’s done with thoughts such as “you can use this as a starting point to now move forward doing the right thing” or “now that you look like even more of a hopeless loser at that sports site, you’ll get that much more slack and freedom there to profit more once you get your head on straight.”

At least those rationalizations have merit, though. But there’s another one that I also find myself thinking sometimes, and it’s not good. This usually happens after I’ve screwed up the worst, and quickly ruined what could’ve been a great day or week:

“Well, you would’ve lost that money before long anyway.”

I mean, how sad is that? Trying to make yourself feel better about a loss that just happened with “well, you’re so screwed up that it was inevitable”.

Obviously I need to wash myself clean of THAT kind of thinking.

So, what am I going to do now? Pick up the pieces again. And try once more to find the strength to always stay focused on the positive behaviors (while eliminating the destructive ones).

And it’s extremely difficult to do, because as I brought up in a past entry, this is not like a severe alcoholic or degenerate gambler who can’t go a day without it (and whose addictive behaviors are always destructive). Not like I am always slipping. The problem is though, it can happen at any time…..and when it does, you can ruin a month of flawless work/profits in an hour. So there’s very little margin for error.

But if I ever hope to succeed again, I’m going to have to find a way to be that consistently strong.

And that applies to the rest of my life as well.

The bottomless pit of a depressive addict

That bottomless pit.

Something that I’ve been experiencing for the last 13 years. And there are no signs of it changing. Me changing.

It’s not a direct fall at all. I have good days. Days where I feel better about myself or continue a step in the right direction.

But it never lasts.

At first, those bouncebacks were as long as about 6 months. Then before long, just a couple more for 2 or 3 months. After that, for about the last 10 years, they’ve never lasted for longer than around one month. And each time, the bounce is usually less potent as well as less lengthy.

And when each fallback begins, it often takes me to new lows. Those feelings are the worst.

I’m experiencing the latest one today. After spending most of my 30s and the first six years of my 40s this way, I’m quite used to the hurt. It’s not fun.

Especially since each new low nudges that dagger a bit deeper into your pride, your heart, and your soul.

Before I moved back to my target city this spring, I had a plan. And more hope than I’d had in a long time. Now, for reasons I don’t feel like getting into now, I probably won’t stay here. Mostly because of a matter that has nothing to do with my self-destruction, though of course that has already lessened my chances of a successful new life here too.

And here’s the most dangerous part. Don’t want to get into “why” about this yet either, but where I’ll probably end up for a good while next year is that much more problematic for my future well-being. It’s going to feel like a dead end for the entire time and like I’m wasting away more years that I can’t afford to.

That fact has already begun to mess with my desire to succeed again. Well before I even move. Great eh.

But this is the worst part: I can still sink a LOT lower.

Someone was just telling me about how his friend was dumping his cherished sportscard collection b/c of the guy’s severe alcoholism issues. For those that haven’t read any of my prior entries, getting back into that hobby almost two years ago, which I hadn’t been a part of since high school, has been a rare healthy part of my life since.

But even as low as I go, I never feel the urge to finance more self-destruction by selling my cards.

Yet, anyway.

Obviously I hope that never changes. But who knows. Especially with my mid to possibly long term future now looking like it does.

Dangerous, dangerous territory. If that WOULD ever happen, it would be like sacrificing the last of the fledgling pride I have left in my life. The aforementioned dagger could change to a huge sword that you’re precariously brandishing toward yourself.

The kind of thing that could quickly be the first step toward total desperation.

And how you might finally find that pit’s bottom.

The battle with addiction: still front and center

I’ve been back in the city I call home for about a month now, and have been moved in to my new place for just over two weeks. And as I’ve mentioned so many times, there is still so much about life that needs sorted out more (and habits improved) if I’m finally going to succeed again.

But while things have gone well in the last few weeks (financially), I knew that I still hadn’t really done anything to begin taming my demons. To be honest, I was mostly lucky (rather than good) during that time. It wasn’t going to last long w/ those same bad habits, so naturally things have just started to slip again now.

Thing is though: it’s another wake-up call that I needed. Especially while I’m still in a pretty good position to try and finally make the life that I need permanently.

Unfortunately, that still hasn’t meant that it’s been much easier to find the energy and willpower to make necessary changes. There are those tireless cliches like “the biggest step/half the battle is admitting that you have a problem”, but that’s not the case for me. I’ve known about my addictive issues my entire adult life, and that’s barely even gotten me off the ground.

For some of us, the biggest step is finding that energy to not only start fighting, but never let the battle go. Especially when you’re always dealing with depression at the same time, and when you’ve always had a subconscious tendency to fight happiness. That combination has kept me going in circles for over 20 years now.

It would probably help to have others support me in said battle. Or at least to talk to in detail about it as I go. But sadly, no one in my family is capable of being a non-toxic and open-minded influence, and the unusual circumstances of how my addiction and work mix together have flummoxed even the most experienced therapists. And I’ve talked at length before about how I can be quite the loner by nature anyway.

I’ve also found that those who are troubled (understandably) have enough shit to deal with, and those who aren’t are either uncomfortable being involved (or else just can’t understand enough how it feels or what needs done from the outside).

So, I will likely be taking all this on (and figuring most of it out) on my own. Luckily I’m well used to that.

I’ll probably try to change my diet first and see how that helps the initial step (of needing more energy) enough. And if that helps springboard me some, then use that crucially-needed energy to try and stay more focused on the many other self-improvement steps that need taken, and to actually take those steps as I go.

Hopefully that will work. If not, I’ll have to keep going back to the drawing board until I find something that does. Regardless of how long it takes.

Cause what other choice is there?

But will the steps ever be taken….

In my last entry recently, I wrote about how I’d finally opened up my first book on some of the subjects related to my demons.

Since then, I’ve finished the first book and am more than halfway through the second. And again, not much has surprised me so far. There are times when I feel like no actual changes would really ever be implemented, and times when I see a few nuggets of usefulness that might fit my very difficult situation.

I also continue to be disappointed with the lack of ability that human beings have to fix themselves. Not only do both books advocate dealing with vices with avoidance and diversion in plenty of circumstances, but the chances of succeeding really increase if you lean on someone else to get you through it.

I guess there are worse things than that. But it still portrays a sense of weakness. And it seems like you’d need to count much more on yourself, because the crutch of other people may not be there whenever you need it (and that could easily lead to too many relapses).

Plus, the whole concept is a much tougher task for people who don’t keep others very close in their lives (like me). And yep, I know that’s what sponsors are for in the Anonymous meetings. But I’ve tried those out in the past, and it’s not the atmosphere that I want for any self-improvement attempts. The people there are mostly still struggling so badly to get by, because the programs focus on damage control a lot more than conquering your demons.

And if I’m going to do this, I need to focus on the latter instead. Just barely getting by without disasters is not good enough. For me or anyone.

The most useful concept I’ve been reminded of is how important breathing, relaxing, and short time periods of meditation are to strengthening your body and mind’s resolve. If I really follow through on this, that change will be at the top of the list to branch off of. But there’s a huge snag lingering in all of this:

Do I really WANT to improve myself enough?

That may sound bizarre on the surface. Until you realize that I may never really want to find happiness.

I mentioned months ago that I’d soon be hitting a crossroads that led to two possible ends: rebirth, or permanent despair. And here’s the thing….I still enjoy the thought of a slow decline that takes me sinking further and further. Withering away in a hotel room day after day, as I live a lifestyle that minimizes effort, necessities, and (most importantly) responsibilities.

Think “Leaving Las Vegas”. Well, without the alcohol and new hooker love.

Don’t know exactly how that would end, but it sure wouldn’t be a good one. But even as strange as it sounds: I don’t just find this type of lowest life descent appealing; I actually GLORIFY it in my mind.

So I guess you could sum up the latest this way: both the rebirth and sinking despair paths in front of me are luring me even more than before. Makes it seem like one or the other may win out faster than expected.

Unless those opposing forces tear me apart down the middle first.

The next step for change

For the first time today, I finally opened one of the half dozen books that I bought over a year and a half ago (on willpower, self-control, and similar subjects). Almost hitting rock-bottom again finally caused me to act.

Well, as far as learning more about the subject, that is. Actually coming up with the effort to make the changes will be a whole different ballgame.

Anyway, I know that some of the few readers here are also dealing with longtime depression and their own demons. So I thought you might be curious what I think so far, given that I read half of it already.

My feelings are mixed. At best.

It’s well-written and introduces you to a lot of documented findings on the subject. The good news is that some of those findings involve the ability to improve your self-control by adhering to certain practice regiments.

But you also quickly find out about the limitations that human beings have when it comes to focusing on improving ourselves and changing our habits (which mostly stems from the limited amount of energy that our body can harness for periods of time).

None of that was surprising to read. But before long, it was like my own my energy issues started to waver when they mentioned (and advocated) the typical avoidance tactics for dealing with addiction.

This was disconcerting. I’d always held out some hope that maybe, somehow or even someday, there would be a better way (as far as beating addiction goes). Dealing with those issues with mostly diversion obviously doesn’t get to the core of someone’s problems. It’s hard for me to imagine that genuine life improvements can permanently result that way.

Especially with how most 12 step programs just substitute one addiction for another. Replacing heroin with nicotine, or alcohol with jesus. All that does is continue enabling the demons that led to your addictive symptoms to begin with. It’s no wonder that they have such low long-term success rates.

And even though I’m just halfway through the book, I just get this vibe of very slight dismay. Like even though they’re confident in the possibility of people improving their willpower, the writers don’t actually believe that it WILL happen for most.

I’m afraid there’s a good reason for that: most of us just won’t be strong enough. Especially anyone who’s always dealt with depression.

That doesn’t mean that I’m giving up on this yet. I’m going to finish this book (and the rest of them). Still hope to organize all of my bad habits and demons that need dealt with, and figure out the best way to attack them one by one.

The key word there being “hope”.

Because after today, I actually feel even more doubtful than I did before.