Tag: misery

Peaking at 10

As many people get ready for a long holiday weekend of family goodness, I must warn you that while I wish everyone the best for it…..this entry (like many here) will not fit the mold of celebration.

But as I prepare for my own oh-so-enthralling holiday of mostly solitude, I’ve been reminded even more (especially as I watch a Miami Vice marathon on TV as we speak) of where my life path has taken things. And sadly, how I peaked at 10.

No, not 2010. Age 10.

The fall of ’84 to the summer of ’85. Met a new best friend to start the school year. Got a computer for christmas. Had my first year of Little League, which ended with my best game of the year as we won the tournament championship against the league’s best team. Overall, the goody good suburban ’80s kiddom existence was in full swing.

Those good times did not last long.

Matt (the best friend) moved away soon after. Then before I knew it, it was time for junior high to begin, which set the tone for my often miserable and outcast teen years.

And even during my freshman year in college (which was amazing and maybe the best year of my life), there was still a hole eating away at me b/c of how I was such a late bloomer with dating and sex. I’ve written before about how that was the beginning of the eventual horrible battle with depression that has haunted me ever since.

So even with all the success I often had otherwise in life during my 20s and early 30s, that battle still kept a huge cloud overhead. And since then, well, play bingo with any of my prior entries to quickly learn how things have been since.

When you add it all up, that’s how it’s easy to argue that my life peaked at such a young age. It’s a sobering thought, but one that looms to be acknowledged.

Especially as I continue to struggle so badly with trying to move forward.

“Going down the only road I’ve ever known…”

I’ve had about a week and a half now to reflect on my recent get together with someone I’m really close to (reference the entry here from then). But while meeting up with her again went as well as it could have, the days since have reaffirmed what I already expected:

My emotional capability to desire something serious with someone is still practically non-existent. If not entirely.

The only reason there’s even any doubt (about that capability) is that despite the mutual spark and connection with her, it’s likely that we’re way too different for both of us to genuinely enjoy a regular life with each other. When it comes to us, that strong “opposites attract” vibe may not be enough. So you could argue that my feeling distanced (in this spot) has just as much to do with those differences with her.

Thing is though: regardless of how ideal any match might be for me, it’s still doubtful that I could care enough to want it. Almost impossible for me to imagine a situation where I’d rather share my life than be on my own.

You might wonder if it hurts to feel that way. The answer is that it can, but not for the reason you might think:

Because it’s not the actual being alone that hurts. What DOES is the reality that I’m too emotionally removed and disinterested to enjoy the good things that come from not just a fulfilling relationship, but from life in general. When I listen to sad songs or sultry r&b or see other people living these experiences, it hurts to be reminded of how empty your life is (especially since you feel too emotionally trapped to ever change it).

Last night I was talking to a close friend about all this. She is just as ill-equipped to be in a relationship as I am, though some of the reasons for it are totally different than mine. But at least it allows us to bond with someone who’s in the same boat.

We joke about sitting on a porch someday in old people rocking chairs. All our family long gone and no SO or kids in our lives. Reminiscing about how we predicted such an outcome 30 years prior.

Cause, well: to quote something from the ’90s for once (never fear, my ’80s obsession is still intact):

“We can’t run from who we are. Our destiny chooses us”

Some from the unexpected, but then more of the same

I have been back in my initial target city for almost a week now. This was an unseen turn of events, as I’d just tossed a flyer out for a job there (that I never expected to get taken so seriously, as Indeed applications normally aren’t).

Flew out. Put on my game face. For as much as I don’t want most human contact, you’d never know it if you interviewed me. I put on one hell of an act.

But despite everyone loving me at the company except maybe one, I have a feeling that one (who’d be my immediate boss) turned against me during our second interview (and first in-person one). It’s probably a blessing in disguise though, because she seems like a terrible person. Yes, I learned enough about her already (both professionally and personally) to make that call.

Still though, I don’t have nearly enough excess energy to continue to struggle like this without moving forward. Even managed a video interview with a second company tomorrow afternoon too, but it’s going to be tough to get up for it. I’ll manage to, but it won’t be easy to give my best effort again at the moment.

Right now, I wish once again that I could just hole myself away from the world for good. The “Leaving Las Vegas” type ending is becoming more and more likely, though that probably won’t happen soon because of other life obligations.

But that future is out there. Lingering.

Patiently waiting for its moment to grab me and never let go.

But will the steps ever be taken….

In my last entry recently, I wrote about how I’d finally opened up my first book on some of the subjects related to my demons.

Since then, I’ve finished the first book and am more than halfway through the second. And again, not much has surprised me so far. There are times when I feel like no actual changes would really ever be implemented, and times when I see a few nuggets of usefulness that might fit my very difficult situation.

I also continue to be disappointed with the lack of ability that human beings have to fix themselves. Not only do both books advocate dealing with vices with avoidance and diversion in plenty of circumstances, but the chances of succeeding really increase if you lean on someone else to get you through it.

I guess there are worse things than that. But it still portrays a sense of weakness. And it seems like you’d need to count much more on yourself, because the crutch of other people may not be there whenever you need it (and that could easily lead to too many relapses).

Plus, the whole concept is a much tougher task for people who don’t keep others very close in their lives (like me). And yep, I know that’s what sponsors are for in the Anonymous meetings. But I’ve tried those out in the past, and it’s not the atmosphere that I want for any self-improvement attempts. The people there are mostly still struggling so badly to get by, because the programs focus on damage control a lot more than conquering your demons.

And if I’m going to do this, I need to focus on the latter instead. Just barely getting by without disasters is not good enough. For me or anyone.

The most useful concept I’ve been reminded of is how important breathing, relaxing, and short time periods of meditation are to strengthening your body and mind’s resolve. If I really follow through on this, that change will be at the top of the list to branch off of. But there’s a huge snag lingering in all of this:

Do I really WANT to improve myself enough?

That may sound bizarre on the surface. Until you realize that I may never really want to find happiness.

I mentioned months ago that I’d soon be hitting a crossroads that led to two possible ends: rebirth, or permanent despair. And here’s the thing….I still enjoy the thought of a slow decline that takes me sinking further and further. Withering away in a hotel room day after day, as I live a lifestyle that minimizes effort, necessities, and (most importantly) responsibilities.

Think “Leaving Las Vegas”. Well, without the alcohol and new hooker love.

Don’t know exactly how that would end, but it sure wouldn’t be a good one. But even as strange as it sounds: I don’t just find this type of lowest life descent appealing; I actually GLORIFY it in my mind.

So I guess you could sum up the latest this way: both the rebirth and sinking despair paths in front of me are luring me even more than before. Makes it seem like one or the other may win out faster than expected.

Unless those opposing forces tear me apart down the middle first.

The next step for change

For the first time today, I finally opened one of the half dozen books that I bought over a year and a half ago (on willpower, self-control, and similar subjects). Almost hitting rock-bottom again finally caused me to act.

Well, as far as learning more about the subject, that is. Actually coming up with the effort to make the changes will be a whole different ballgame.

Anyway, I know that some of the few readers here are also dealing with longtime depression and their own demons. So I thought you might be curious what I think so far, given that I read half of it already.

My feelings are mixed. At best.

It’s well-written and introduces you to a lot of documented findings on the subject. The good news is that some of those findings involve the ability to improve your self-control by adhering to certain practice regiments.

But you also quickly find out about the limitations that human beings have when it comes to focusing on improving ourselves and changing our habits (which mostly stems from the limited amount of energy that our body can harness for periods of time).

None of that was surprising to read. But before long, it was like my own my energy issues started to waver when they mentioned (and advocated) the typical avoidance tactics for dealing with addiction.

This was disconcerting. I’d always held out some hope that maybe, somehow or even someday, there would be a better way (as far as beating addiction goes). Dealing with those issues with mostly diversion obviously doesn’t get to the core of someone’s problems. It’s hard for me to imagine that genuine life improvements can permanently result that way.

Especially with how most 12 step programs just substitute one addiction for another. Replacing heroin with nicotine, or alcohol with jesus. All that does is continue enabling the demons that led to your addictive symptoms to begin with. It’s no wonder that they have such low long-term success rates.

And even though I’m just halfway through the book, I just get this vibe of very slight dismay. Like even though they’re confident in the possibility of people improving their willpower, the writers don’t actually believe that it WILL happen for most.

I’m afraid there’s a good reason for that: most of us just won’t be strong enough. Especially anyone who’s always dealt with depression.

That doesn’t mean that I’m giving up on this yet. I’m going to finish this book (and the rest of them). Still hope to organize all of my bad habits and demons that need dealt with, and figure out the best way to attack them one by one.

The key word there being “hope”.

Because after today, I actually feel even more doubtful than I did before.

One year

It was one year ago today that I started this blog.

The hope was to find more motivation and focus to tackle my issues. That hasn’t really happened. At least it doesn’t hurt as an outlet, though.

And during that time, I have acquired a reasonable amount of followers. Some have disappeared in recent months, as people either move on or get weary of seeing my continued frustrations being expressed! The blog would grow some if I let my creative writing abilities flow here, but that’s not usually my purpose for writing here (look back to these entries from my past baseball days for an example)

https://misteradomain.home.blog/2019/08/25/the-magic-of-sports/

https://misteradomain.home.blog/2020/02/20/baseball-good-ol-days-part-2-of-2/

I’m not going to get into new life details at the moment. Not much to update anyway since the waiting game to resume life might continue (given the latest COVID concerns).

So, for now I just wanted to thank everyone who has been a regular reader and left their “like”s. I know I haven’t written the kind of material here that really leads to any comments, so any acknowledgements that someone might be helped by reading about (or relate to) my struggles are appreciated.

No idea how long I will continue to blog, but regardless, I wish everyone the best for the next twelve months as well.

Deep struggles return, part 2

The last couple days have just been filled with catching my breath after the awful week that I just wrote about. You know what’s just as bad as once again losing too much of your wealth, pride, and future options?

How it makes you feel so down about life again.

Even though my prior upswing wasn’t really earned, it still helps a lot to just feel better about something going well again. You play more upbeat music. You look forward to the next day. You smile more.

And you have more hope.

Now, that’s stripped away again for the time being (at minimum). Things will be a lot more stressful and questionable in the upcoming months too. It won’t be easy to hold on, and I’m not sure if I will. Every day could be a ticking time bomb. You just don’t know which one it will be.

Until you’re busy hitting rock bottom again.

Misery does “not” love company

While I realize how that title cliche…without my adjustment, of course….. partially implies that some unhappy people want others to be miserable too (to feel better about themselves), I have never agreed with the other interpretation that miserable people want to actually be around other miserable ones. IME, those who are unhappy and depressed are more likely to push others away (either directly or indirectly). And personally, I am never comfortable with my issues or any negativity adversely affecting others.

Back when I was doing well in my career, this wasn’t quite as much of a problem. Some of us few people who earn a living at either financial market trading or advantage gambling tend to meet each other eventually at some point. It’s a fairly unique (and very difficult) combination skillset, mindset, and knowledge mix that most don’t possess, and so there’s an underlying respect for anyone who can support themselves that way.

Unless you mess it up, that is.

You see, my friends from that walk of life have not dealt with most of my problems and failures. They may not have the most healthy overall mindset and ways of enjoying their daily existence (even the ones who are married with kids), but at least they are still able to keep their edge. Both careerwise and overall in life.

So when I started to have my worst times in recent years (the ones that, for the first time, I haven’t been able to dig out of), that made the rest of my life worse as well. Beyond anything financially. Not only was there the hurt of losing what I had, but there’s also the shame of being the only failure among my mix of friends and confidants in the trading/advantage gambling world.

I’m not one who spends much time concerned about what others think of me, but this was an exception to that rule. Losing the respect of those uniquely successful people is a hit to your pride. And while only one of them has ever really shown that he thinks less of me now than he did a dozen years ago (and that one, ironically, is by far the least skilled of them all), I know that they’re all thinking it.

How could they not? After all, I am the ONLY one out of that circle who isn’t still a successful person with a better life. The only one who became a screwup. The only one who doesn’t have the freedom to do what he wants anymore.

As you can imagine, that has just fueled my loner tendencies that much more. I barely keep in touch with any of those guys lately. Not only because of the shame and embarrassment, but because I’m not part of their world nearly as much now. They’re the ones still plugging away to make a nice living, while I’m still mostly back at square one.

It’s yet another part of my life that’s worse than it used to be. This downward spiral has taken so, so much.

The only question now is: how much of this lost life can I ever manage to get back?

Being frozen

Many of you who’ve read my blog can probably relate:

You lay around late at night.

Plenty of depression napping earlier, so you’re not tired. But you also don’t have the energy or desire to accomplish anything.

Don’t really feel like listening to music you like. Or trying to talk to anyone (though even if you did, most are asleep or wouldn’t respond anyway).

No new book nearby. Not really feeling like looking at what’s on TV.

Already passed a little time by rolling your eyes at the usual FB pages or sites you sometime frequent. Nothing too interesting at the moment.

So you just stare at the screen. Antsy, restless, virtually motionless. With nothing to do but think of how each moment passing by is becoming more meaningless than the last.

Envious of those who are out enjoying themselves and possibly creating new life memories.

Trapped in time. Feeling frozen.