Tag: broken

Broken, part two

It’s been six weeks now since I started the latest phase of things.

The new job isn’t bad. At first it was a struggle to get my mind caught up to anywhere near the level of knowledge necessary (as I simply didn’t have the experience that was expected for this position). But I’m getting acclimated faster than those problems show, and the department has seemed focused since I started on building things for the future around us. The thought of me, or anyone else on the team, not being the right choice is the furthest thing from their mind.

So chances are I’ll be alright there going forward. And during that time, I’ve also found that there are better opportunities to make back some of my lost success too. At least in the short term. And while my financial situation isn’t close to where it should be, I still have the available capital to take advantage of those opportunities.

It wouldn’t nearly cover all the damage I’ve done over the last 15 years, but at least it’d be a start. And enough to matter.

Why the title of this entry then? Because of the latest setback. And this one hurt more than most. Here’s why.

In addition to the other positive factors just mentioned, I’d also tried to focus much more on eliminating a main trigger that causes my bouts of destructive behavior. And at first, there seemed to be improvement. Because the first couple times I had the frustrations that lead to such behavior, I’d been able to cut off the damage faster than I normally would.

At least it’s a first step, I thought. And hoped that I could continue that trend until I eliminated the behavior permanently, especially since I now had the necessary psychological frame of mind of realistic hope to significantly rebuild in the long run.

So for the first time in my adult life, it seemed like I might really have a chance to beat my main demon. Which would finally mean the highly elusive (and very questionable) goal of feeling good about myself and being successful again.

But then about a week ago, it happened again. When it didn’t need to. Out of the blue, you just don’t have the discipline this time to hold on. And the same degeneracy happens.

And as mentioned, this time it hurt that much more. Cause for once, I really thought: maybe I’m finally in a position to turn the corner and beat this.

Not to be.

Luckily it didn’t destroy my chances to pursue things going forward (naturally a big dent, but not a crushing blow). But it’s much more about what it signifies:

That I’m still not strong enough. And if I’m not now (with more going for my chances), then will I ever be?

Since then, I’ve spent the last week holding on. While a further collapse hasn’t happened yet, unfortunately it still feels like I’m stuck back in the same hopeless frame of mind about my discipline.

What next? I really don’t know. Just have to show up every day at the office Monday through Friday and act like nothing’s wrong. Everyone at work has no idea about my struggles.

If they only knew.

Broken

I have to be up in about 5 1/2 hours. Why? Will get to that in a second.

At the moment, it’s 1:20 AM. And my normal hours are way too warped to adjust to being up early in the morning yet. So before a new stage of life starts then, I’m just listening to music and rehashing the same thought in my mind that’s been stuck there all week:

I think I am broken for good.

Have written endlessly about why over the last few years (so not going to repeat the many reasons again). And during those years, I’ve gone back and forth about having hope and wondering if I could fix much of what’s wrong with me.

But for the first time lately, it’s like I’m relegated to the fact that it’s not possible to.

And that comes at a time when, speaking of hope, you’d think there’d be a little more. Because tomorrow morning, I start a new 9 to 5 job. Even though that’s not what I want for my life, the offer was too good to turn down.

Basically I’m jumping back into what I’ve done occasionally in my past “traditional” career field at a spot where most people would already have put in 20+ years of relentless grind. It almost seems unfair to them.

What can I say, though. Despite all of my demons, I’m quite good at selling myself and knowing how to handle various situations. And my skill level in some areas is very high. So this job opportunity didn’t happen by chance.

I’m sure it seems like that’s bound to help my life in some ways. And sure, it will. But “help” is the key word here. Sometimes any help won’t be enough to get to the bottom of needed fixes.

Which is what I’m expecting to happen. I should be able to make this work (from a supporting myself standpoint).

But when it comes to ever turning the corner on life overall? As mentioned, I just don’t think the necessary fixes exist. Can only hope that I’m proven wrong someday.

And if I am, before it’s too late to take advantage.