Tag: change

But will the steps ever be taken….

In my last entry recently, I wrote about how I’d finally opened up my first book on some of the subjects related to my demons.

Since then, I’ve finished the first book and am more than halfway through the second. And again, not much has surprised me so far. There are times when I feel like no actual changes would really ever be implemented, and times when I see a few nuggets of usefulness that might fit my very difficult situation.

I also continue to be disappointed with the lack of ability that human beings have to fix themselves. Not only do both books advocate dealing with vices with avoidance and diversion in plenty of circumstances, but the chances of succeeding really increase if you lean on someone else to get you through it.

I guess there are worse things than that. But it still portrays a sense of weakness. And it seems like you’d need to count much more on yourself, because the crutch of other people may not be there whenever you need it (and that could easily lead to too many relapses).

Plus, the whole concept is a much tougher task for people who don’t keep others very close in their lives (like me). And yep, I know that’s what sponsors are for in the Anonymous meetings. But I’ve tried those out in the past, and it’s not the atmosphere that I want for any self-improvement attempts. The people there are mostly still struggling so badly to get by, because the programs focus on damage control a lot more than conquering your demons.

And if I’m going to do this, I need to focus on the latter instead. Just barely getting by without disasters is not good enough. For me or anyone.

The most useful concept I’ve been reminded of is how important breathing, relaxing, and short time periods of meditation are to strengthening your body and mind’s resolve. If I really follow through on this, that change will be at the top of the list to branch off of. But there’s a huge snag lingering in all of this:

Do I really WANT to improve myself enough?

That may sound bizarre on the surface. Until you realize that I may never really want to find happiness.

I mentioned months ago that I’d soon be hitting a crossroads that led to two possible ends: rebirth, or permanent despair. And here’s the thing….I still enjoy the thought of a slow decline that takes me sinking further and further. Withering away in a hotel room day after day, as I live a lifestyle that minimizes effort, necessities, and (most importantly) responsibilities.

Think “Leaving Las Vegas”. Well, without the alcohol and new hooker love.

Don’t know exactly how that would end, but it sure wouldn’t be a good one. But even as strange as it sounds: I don’t just find this type of lowest life descent appealing; I actually GLORIFY it in my mind.

So I guess you could sum up the latest this way: both the rebirth and sinking despair paths in front of me are luring me even more than before. Makes it seem like one or the other may win out faster than expected.

Unless those opposing forces tear me apart down the middle first.

The next step for change

For the first time today, I finally opened one of the half dozen books that I bought over a year and a half ago (on willpower, self-control, and similar subjects). Almost hitting rock-bottom again finally caused me to act.

Well, as far as learning more about the subject, that is. Actually coming up with the effort to make the changes will be a whole different ballgame.

Anyway, I know that some of the few readers here are also dealing with longtime depression and their own demons. So I thought you might be curious what I think so far, given that I read half of it already.

My feelings are mixed. At best.

It’s well-written and introduces you to a lot of documented findings on the subject. The good news is that some of those findings involve the ability to improve your self-control by adhering to certain practice regiments.

But you also quickly find out about the limitations that human beings have when it comes to focusing on improving ourselves and changing our habits (which mostly stems from the limited amount of energy that our body can harness for periods of time).

None of that was surprising to read. But before long, it was like my own my energy issues started to waver when they mentioned (and advocated) the typical avoidance tactics for dealing with addiction.

This was disconcerting. I’d always held out some hope that maybe, somehow or even someday, there would be a better way (as far as beating addiction goes). Dealing with those issues with mostly diversion obviously doesn’t get to the core of someone’s problems. It’s hard for me to imagine that genuine life improvements can permanently result that way.

Especially with how most 12 step programs just substitute one addiction for another. Replacing heroin with nicotine, or alcohol with jesus. All that does is continue enabling the demons that led to your addictive symptoms to begin with. It’s no wonder that they have such low long-term success rates.

And even though I’m just halfway through the book, I just get this vibe of very slight dismay. Like even though they’re confident in the possibility of people improving their willpower, the writers don’t actually believe that it WILL happen for most.

I’m afraid there’s a good reason for that: most of us just won’t be strong enough. Especially anyone who’s always dealt with depression.

That doesn’t mean that I’m giving up on this yet. I’m going to finish this book (and the rest of them). Still hope to organize all of my bad habits and demons that need dealt with, and figure out the best way to attack them one by one.

The key word there being “hope”.

Because after today, I actually feel even more doubtful than I did before.