In my last entry recently, I wrote about how I’d finally opened up my first book on some of the subjects related to my demons.
Since then, I’ve finished the first book and am more than halfway through the second. And again, not much has surprised me so far. There are times when I feel like no actual changes would really ever be implemented, and times when I see a few nuggets of usefulness that might fit my very difficult situation.
I also continue to be disappointed with the lack of ability that human beings have to fix themselves. Not only do both books advocate dealing with vices with avoidance and diversion in plenty of circumstances, but the chances of succeeding really increase if you lean on someone else to get you through it.
I guess there are worse things than that. But it still portrays a sense of weakness. And it seems like you’d need to count much more on yourself, because the crutch of other people may not be there whenever you need it (and that could easily lead to too many relapses).
Plus, the whole concept is a much tougher task for people who don’t keep others very close in their lives (like me). And yep, I know that’s what sponsors are for in the Anonymous meetings. But I’ve tried those out in the past, and it’s not the atmosphere that I want for any self-improvement attempts. The people there are mostly still struggling so badly to get by, because the programs focus on damage control a lot more than conquering your demons.
And if I’m going to do this, I need to focus on the latter instead. Just barely getting by without disasters is not good enough. For me or anyone.
The most useful concept I’ve been reminded of is how important breathing, relaxing, and short time periods of meditation are to strengthening your body and mind’s resolve. If I really follow through on this, that change will be at the top of the list to branch off of. But there’s a huge snag lingering in all of this:
Do I really WANT to improve myself enough?
That may sound bizarre on the surface. Until you realize that I may never really want to find happiness.
I mentioned months ago that I’d soon be hitting a crossroads that led to two possible ends: rebirth, or permanent despair. And here’s the thing….I still enjoy the thought of a slow decline that takes me sinking further and further. Withering away in a hotel room day after day, as I live a lifestyle that minimizes effort, necessities, and (most importantly) responsibilities.
Think “Leaving Las Vegas”. Well, without the alcohol and new hooker love.
Don’t know exactly how that would end, but it sure wouldn’t be a good one. But even as strange as it sounds: I don’t just find this type of lowest life descent appealing; I actually GLORIFY it in my mind.
So I guess you could sum up the latest this way: both the rebirth and sinking despair paths in front of me are luring me even more than before. Makes it seem like one or the other may win out faster than expected.
Unless those opposing forces tear me apart down the middle first.
Mister A's domain 