Given how the first three years of college went, I did not expect an adult life of being such a loner. But even though my depression (that took hold late in my senior year) had a lot to do with that, it wasn’t how things began.
Near the beginning of that year, it was time for my 21st birthday. And it’s naturally a tradition for your close friends to take you out and celebrate it. I assumed that would be the case. It wasn’t.
Despite these being the people that I’d been close with and hung out regularly for those first few years (and everything always being fine), all I got was one mention about it from my best friend. Saying how the first big exams were that week and “sorry”, but no plans.
And I still can’t believe they did that. It should’ve been obvious that regardless of any exams, you just work around it. Doesn’t have be ON your birthday; just go out sometime the weekend before (or the weekend after). Anything like that is fine. But you don’t dismiss someone’s 21st. Especially without a care.
I never said anything about it. Even as we all got together for his 21st about six weeks later. Go figure eh. But it was insulting. And I never forgot.
Between that, my depression about to take hold, and weekend get togethers w/ them not being my style anymore (as they turned much more into corny married people-like nights rather than college students), I started becoming distanced from them as the year went on.
And of course, that distance (not just from them, but from most people) became more and more pronounced once I got into the real world. By the time I was in my mid-20s, I knew that developing or maintaining close friendships would probably never happen again.
So here I am today. Turning 50 this year. And while I’m still not capable of meaningful bonds with people, I could really use some closer (and local) friends to help with turning my life around. Especially after having to move back east for my mother.
That was when I realized just how invisible I’ve really become.
At this stage in life, most of my past (and somewhat current) friends have their own families. Some for ages now. And most people, whether it be those friends or especially strangers, don’t even consider adding new people closely in their lives at this point. I mean it can happen occasionally if two married couples randomly meet on vacation or something (or through your kids), but not usually when it’s a single outsider.
Sure those friends may answer or eventually reply/call if I say hi to catch up, but that’s just for an occasional fleeting half-hour or so. And since I’m not an important part of anyone’s life, I’m usually the one reaching out. So if I disappeared tomorrow, it wouldn’t affect anyone.
It’s also the same if I try to connect with anyone new on social media. It’s a totally different vibe from when I was in my 20s. Most late 40ish people’s adult lives have simply long been complete by now. Even including the single ones.
So….can only imagine what this will be like in my later years when the elder members of my family are all gone. Given how I’m fine about being a loner socially, I’ll handle it better than most. But it’s obviously going to make me even more unhealthy than I already am, and I admit that it’ll still hurt.
It’s almost like being a ghost. Invisible.
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