Tag: life

The Reese’s frisbee

It was an ordinary summer in 1983, and I was in the backseat as we drove back from my family’s annual beach vacation. And the closer we got to being home, the more anxious I got. I was finally about to find something out:

Had I won that Reese’s Cups frisbee?

See….in the early and mid ’80s, it was common for name brand snack products to have contests and prizes w/ game pieces in every product. The possibilities seemed endless. You could win $5 (the most I ever did), $5000, a stove, a frisbee, and so many other goodies.

I loved that stuff.

And often, you had to get both “halves” of a prize to win it. I knew I’d gotten one half of the frisbee earlier, and I got another frisbee half piece while we were on vacation. But I couldn’t remember if it were the opposite half or not.

That was all that mattered at the moment. Because I didn’t have another care in the world.

Because it was before my hellish teen years. Before I spent my (otherwise great) college years with a pain that I couldn’t shake yet. And before I spent the last almost 30 years and counting dealing with depression.

I was eight. Life was easy and with no worries.

And at this point, it’s hard to fathom how that was ever the case. But it was.

And I still remember it vividly. I was already an antsy enough traveler as it was at that age, but the anticipation of uncovering my possible jackpot of frisbee heaven made those final hours on the road seem even longer.

We finally made it back. Before I did anything else, I ran in the house to check “my” drawer that contained all my irreplaceable valuables. The other frisbee game piece was waiting.

It was the same half.

I wasn’t even that surprised, because I’d had a nagging suspicion the whole time that I hadn’t won it. But still, it was disappointing.

Despite this unthinkable life setback, the next day still came. And I woke up ready for it. Happy, emotionally healthy, and ready to move on.

Something that I haven’t felt for almost 40 years now.

Escape, part 2

I just want to escape.

To a hotel room in the middle of the night. In total darkness and with a strange foreign TV show on (that I can’t understand).

No need to check out in the morning. Free from any obligations or responsibilities. Enough food and drinks in the mini-fridge.

Total quiet all around. Except for an occasional passing car in the distance.

And never enter the outside world again.

Music over the years

Whenever I look back at my past, I tend to associate one song the most with a particular 1-2 year time range. Earlier on it was current hits. But in the last 20 years, was more often something that I heard at the time (that resonated the most). Maybe someone might bump into something they’ve forgotten about (or never heard before):

1981: “Physical” by Olivia Newton-John. I’d just turned seven, and this is the first song I remember hearing all the time. Reminds me of getting hot dogs with my grandfather in his country club’s diner (as it played in the background).

1983: “Break my Stride” by Matthew Wilder. The first record that I ever played over and over. I was obsessed with it.

1985: “Rhythm of the Night” by Debarge. My favorite song around that time. Hearing it while on a field trip to the state capital. During the last year when life was consistently happy

1991: “Rush Rush” by Paula Abdul. Slow dancing with someone to this on a cruise ship. One of the few great times and escapes I had as a teen.

1993: “Freak me” by Silk. Yes I love ’90s R&B anyway, but this one is the most special to me. Maybe the best year of my life. My freshman year at college. Going out with friends on the weekend and hearing this playing inside the club (as a few girls coming out were drunkenly and badly singing it). Music to my ears.

1998: “Money Ain’t a Thang” by Jermaine Dupri and Jay-Z. Represents the most social times that I had after college (which didn’t last long). All of us in the car after a long night out, singing this at the top of our lungs.

2004: “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day. As I first made the journey to southern Cali (to figure out a plan for the move there a year later). This was on the radio all the time then. As I hoped that my California dream would not turn out that way.

2005: “Cool Night” by Paul Davis. Shopping for cleaning supplies at the local grocery store (to clean my apartment for that move) and feeling such relaxation as it came on. So I still associate it with finally making that major life change. It also started my appreciation for late ’70s/early ’80s soft rock.

2011: “Blackout” by Breathe Carolina. Toward the end of my struggles during that time out west. But still remember this coming on the radio right after I’d picked up a date to go out one night. It wasn’t the typical genre I expected to like. But she started up with it from the beginning. And by midway through the song, I was nodding my full acceptance. Before the end we were fully in tune together. “I’m only getting started! I won’t black out”

2012: “Mr. Wrong” by Mary J. Blige. During lonely nights driving out to play poker (as I was on the road staying in a good friend’s area for awhile). Searching for a new life.

2017: “Alone” by Halsey. Anything Halsey from that year would fit. Not surprising that I’d pick that particular song of hers though. As I ended up back in the same city from my 20s for awhile.

2018: “Tender Love” by Force MDs. One day it came on at work in my good friend’s office, and I started playing it some on my own occasionally since. So I now associate it with my time at that company

2022: “Ordinary World” by Duran Duran. Ending up back near my hometown for now (for family reasons). By this point, I was already trying to avoid “crying for yesterday” and wishing that there was an ordinary world that I could somehow find.

Still hoping for that.

A new step update

It’s been about 2 1/2 months since I decided to restrict access for one year from the outlets that I’ve used most for my degenerative behavior with my finances.

How are things going so far?

Well, there’s no improvement in any desire to make any necessary life changes. Though that’s not very disappointing (because it’s what I expected). It would’ve been nice to surprise myself with some upside there, but…not to be.

No change to my frame of mind. I still feel the same level of failure (and hopelessness about the future) as I did before. I’m pretty much the same person. Just without the further decline of my financial future.

So has anything positive come from this new path yet? Yes and no.

I’ve found that this break has provided me some more clarity on the future. When you’re not busy destroying yourself further sometimes, there’s not much else to do but think even more about the reality of your situation. That’s the good.

The bad? That outlook is only worsening. The opportunities to rebuild with advantage gambling continue to tighten. Plus I don’t see that trend changing. Maybe not for the rest of my life. And the funny thing is, that realization hitting even deeper has actually caused my discipline to be better in the meantime. Because if there’s no viable long term plan to build back a lot of wealth, then what’s the point of even trying to run up some $ the wrong way? Even if that happens…not like I can do much further with it.

How messed up is that, eh? The future looking even worse has helped me to keep a better perspective with the present. Talk about having to find a good side however you can.

But it’s what I have to do. Especially since the other outlets from my past (sportscard dealing, financial markets trading) likely won’t be available to me soon either.

So that’s where things stand. I still hope to make some other general life progress this year, but there’s no sign of it yet. So I’m still just holding on.

Waiting for the right new chapter that will probably never happen.

Sensei A

I just finished watching the just released final episodes of the Cobra Kai series. Yep, I’m sure there are endless blog entries out there saying that right now.

Nope, this one won’t be like those.

Double spoiler alert: first one is the typical “don’t read on if you’re gonna watch it”. Second one is: despite how much I loved it, this is not the typical feel-good cheering on or critique of the series. So don’t read on for that either.

These are just some thoughts on how much I relate to it. Johnny’s journey, specifically.

When I first started watching Cobra Kai at the beginning (over six years ago), I was, like many people, looking forward to seeing where the storylines would go with all the characters and their families. After all, I was an 80s kid and the Karate Kid has always been one of my very favorite movies.

But things immediately took an additional focus. From the very first scene beginning in the present day.

Johnny Lawrence…..the guy who had so much glory when he was a lot younger….is now a man in his early 50s who just unhappily slammed the alarm. He’s living in a shitty apartment and about to start another day of a dead-end, meaningless life with no one close to him (with any hints of his past success having disappeared many, many years ago).

I still remember how that hit me.

Because even though Johnny’s personality (and many of his strengths and weaknesses) couldn’t be more different than mine, his life path was eerily similar. For those who have never seen any of my entries: no, I wasn’t the stereotypical guy who peaked in high school. Far, far from it.

But I have had the same long lasting slide from a similar level of success (as a young adult) to a very long period of failure that’s lasted into middle-age.

Fast forward to today, and I’m almost his age at the beginning of the series. And here I was watching the feel good conclusion that has played out over the course of six long seasons. It’s what you’d expect: after tons of highs and lows as he rebuilds his life, it all comes together in the end.

Now he has a life full of family, friends, and a bright future. And just as important: redemption and success again.

And that really hurts to see.

Because now I’m that guy a few minutes into Season one, episode one. But unlike Johnny, I don’t know if I’ll ever have the opportunity to come full circle. And even if I did, it’s hard to imagine having the energy to pull off such a long, exhausting transformation.

There’s even one more small parallel. A quirky one that makes me grin for a second. One of my very, very few close friends has always called me sensei. Not because I know karate, but as a compliment to the accuracy, clarity, and teachable nature of some of my life views and skills.

And what’s the basis of Johnny’s later life transformation? Yep, he becomes a sensei.

Could that be my path too? Sounds nice, but it’s not gonna happen. I could never enjoy being a teacher, because I don’t have enough interest in being around sharing life with, well, people.

What does that leave then? Just another 50 year old guy who never wants to hear that alarm to start a new day. Who may never find his way out of this life hole.

As I’ve said a few times before here, it’s simply another example of how real life can easily be far apart from the typical movie-life ending. Sensei Lawrence may finally change from ace degenerate to ex-degenerate, but the reality looming for Sensei A appears very different.

Until the day that the alarm never goes off again.

Taking a new step

As this year winds down (and my degenerate habits still have me on a completely self-destructive path), I took a step today to stop the bleeding for now. Further action than I’ve ever done:

I restricted access from all the sites that facilitate my poor choices for a full year. Prior to this, the only time I’d ever done anything like that was with one site about a year and a half ago. But that still left me with way too many outlets. And now, that’s not the case anymore.

This was not easy to do. Not as much because of how it’ll take away my problem activities. Sure I’ll miss it, but I’m not the type that will go jonesing for action and have some horrible withdrawals. The main reason is because when it comes to this battle…..I hate the idea of using any avoidance techniques (rather than being able to tackle my issues head on and hopefully increase my willpower).

But at the moment, I needed a change more than ever. One that might get me to finally focus a lot more on making necessary life changes. And it’s not like I’m giving up on ever improving myself. Because if I do find a way to turn the corner on some of my demons in the next year, then come next holiday season, it’ll be time to see if I can handle risking money the right way again.

One full year. To try and do this without the looming cloud over my head of often further destroying myself and my family financially.

Don’t know how I’ll react. Because for better and worse, these activities have been part of my life for the last 35 years. Ever since I got back into sportscards in high school and occasionally bought a pack of old cards w/ the hope of hitting something big. I’ve had some prolonged breaks before, but this will still be different (because those were simply because I didn’t have the money for awhile). Cutting yourself off entirely from the activity (no matter what) just isn’t the same.

As usual, I’ll update how it’s going here whenever the mood strikes. It’s going to be an exhausting year, and my list of things that need fixed is as long as ever. Pretty much everything about life (from health to career). And given my track record, the odds may not be too good. But then, that’s why I made this change. To at least see if I end up giving it a different shot.

We’ll see who I am as of December 13, 2025.

A new level of broken

Around six years ago, I spent one weekend at back to back big concerts (with a woman who, at the time, I was very close to). We sang our hearts out and were able to let loose and enjoy ourselves.

Doesn’t sound like me? Yep, that happens very rarely.

So then, why am I bringing that up now?

Because I don’t think I’m capable of even those quick escapes from my depression anymore. Despite all my years of struggles and isolation, at least I was able to still have some enjoyable experiences with others occasionally. But not now.

At this stage of never dating anymore, entering the 50+ stage of life with no support system, and all of my life issues only getting worse…..I never even feel like doing anything positive.

And that’s a shame. Cause even though it’s so difficult for single people my age to add others closely into their lives, I’ve learned recently that there are actually two people around here who might be an exception to that rule:

A woman I grew up in school with (who I’ve hung out with before and is also having a tough time with this life stage) and a guy who lives around the corner in my apartment building. I’ve only run into him a couple times and he has no idea who I am, but I’ve seen him pop up on my facebook wall since he went to med school with one of my old childhood baseball teammates.

I get along very well with that woman. And it’s clear that I have plenty in common with the guy. And that even though he has a much fuller life than I do (kids and being a doctor), he still seems to be single, without close friendships, and wanting something more in life beyond the work and father routine.

But I still haven’t reached out to them. And who knows if I ever will. Despite these situations possibly being just what I need to somehow become healthier, establish tighter contacts in this area, and just improve life in general.

And it’s so dangerous to feel this way. Those occasional dating and friend escapes in my 20s, 30s, and early/mid 40s definitely helped my state of mind. Without them, it’s just total depression without any breaks. Which is how it’s been for the past few years, and likely for good going forward.

A new, permanent level of broken.

Death

In all of my incessant whining about life over the last five years, there’s something that I’ve rarely mentioned:

I find myself thinking about death. A good bit. My own and others (past and present).

And this is a change that only happened as I got further into my 40s. Despite my lifelong adult unhappiness, I was never the type to have a morbid frame of mind when I was younger. Back then, it just didn’t come to mind much. Like many depressed people, I just floated through my daily existence.

But now, it’s creeping in all the time. Especially since I’m now at the stage where the adults from my childhood are all elderly (or already gone). And I’m not talking about anything personal there either. I’ll see a game show host from the ’80s on a youtube video, and think to myself “he’s dead now”.

Not healthy, I know. But unavoidable lately.

What’s worse is that this is another part of the midlife crisis that could easily become permanent. Actually, it’ll probably get even worse. If I’m already starting to think about death regularly at 50, imagine how I might be about my mortality way down the road.

Another quote from Shawshank just came to mind: “Get busy living, or get busy dying”.

Maybe someday I’ll learn to become capable of that.

More music cheese (and the associated life hurt)

Another addition to the music guilty pleasure admissions: I enjoy some Kenny G songs. And yes, I just admitted it.

At this point, I’d probably need plenty of entries highlighting all of the other socially “acceptable” genres that I like (to even things out). But the tone of this blog rarely fits a comparison to, say, when Ice Cube was steady mobbin. Anyway….

I’ve been watching the video for “Silhouette” more and more lately. It’s supposed to be a modest celebration of life and his music. But for me, it just digs the life pain dagger in that much deeper.

You wouldn’t think that the video would make anyone react like that. Because it’s pretty basic: he walks alone (after his concert ends) to a nice restaurant. Says hello to a fellow sax playing doorman and some of the patrons, who are mostly in their 30s. Plays a quick solo for a starstruck woman (which is supposed to be the climax of the song). Then leaves and starts walking home.

Why would that even bother me so much? Because it subtly represents a lot of my unhappy life and what I’m missing.

Because despite his mixing with the crowd, Kenny is still alone the entire time. He’s an outsider to the happy couples and friends having their dinner and enjoying themselves, and then his night ends alone.

And during the restaurant scenes, you see one couple dancing the night away for a few seconds. The joy on the woman’s face encompasses everything that’s good and healthy about life. She’s caught up in the moment and whisked away to that surreal level of happiness that comes with it.

The good times. That socialization. The connection with another person. And the bright smile that emanates from it all.

It’s pretty much everything that my life never has anymore. And didn’t have much of during my 20s and 30s either. Now I’ve just turned 50 (and can only watch others experience those times and years). Even if it’s in the form of a music video from the late ’80s. And that hurts.

So at this point, this “midlife” crisis seems like a misnomer. Because I don’t know if I’ll ever get past this. Being able to accept these older stages of life may never happen. And I may never be able to lose this pain and regret.

Until the bitter end.

Somewhere out there…

…beneath the pale moonlight.

As I was making my latest late night drive home recently, that song came on the radio. On this AM station of various easy-listening 60s to 80s music that I’d just discovered.

The moment I heard it start (especially given the backdrop of being out at night with the moon in front of me), something hit me differently about the song. And I knew it’d take on a new significance for the rest of my life.

Not for the main reason that most would think, though. Naturally the song’s about a lonely soul hoping to finally have loved ones around again. But since I know how hapless the chances are of curing that kinda pain in my life, that part doesn’t even register too much.

So what DOES it mean most to me?

The fledgling hope that life happiness, peace, and redemption could possibly still be out there. Somehow, some way. Even though I know the realistic chances of that are extremely slim.

So when that song comes on now, it changes me for a few minutes. Into that little kid who’s lost (or never had) someone or something that means the most in their life . Who’s sitting outside at night looking at the stars. Making that wish that the sadness will go away someday.

And I need that extra escape. Because things are only getting still worse. Not only do I continue to never make progress on improving any of my issues, but the rest of life continues to deteriorate too. Mom is regressing again. I only get older and unhealthier at an ever-quickening pace. Finances continue to worsen because of my endless string of past and current mistakes. And once my current resume gap gets much longer (which could easily happen since mom will need more back surgery soon, which will require a long time on the road for rehabilitation), then it’ll become that much more difficult to find a new 9 to 5.

With your world crumbling around you, it can feel like that’s all you have left.

To wish on that bright star.