music – Mister A’s domain

Music over the years

Whenever I look back at my past, I tend to associate one song the most with a particular 1-2 year time range. Earlier on it was current hits. But in the last 20 years, was more often something that I heard at the time (that resonated the most). Maybe someone might bump into something they’ve forgotten about (or never heard before):

1981: “Physical” by Olivia Newton-John. I’d just turned seven, and this is the first song I remember hearing all the time. Reminds me of getting hot dogs with my grandfather in his country club’s diner (as it played in the background).

1983: “Break my Stride” by Matthew Wilder. The first record that I ever played over and over. I was obsessed with it.

1985: “Rhythm of the Night” by Debarge. My favorite song around that time. Hearing it while on a field trip to the state capital. During the last year when life was consistently happy

1991: “Rush Rush” by Paula Abdul. Slow dancing with someone to this on a cruise ship. One of the few great times and escapes I had as a teen.

1993: “Freak me” by Silk. Yes I love ’90s R&B anyway, but this one is the most special to me. Maybe the best year of my life. My freshman year at college. Going out with friends on the weekend and hearing this playing inside the club (as a few girls coming out were drunkenly and badly singing it). Music to my ears.

1998: “Money Ain’t a Thang” by Jermaine Dupri and Jay-Z. Represents the most social times that I had after college (which didn’t last long). All of us in the car after a long night out, singing this at the top of our lungs.

2004: “Boulevard of Broken Dreams” by Green Day. As I first made the journey to southern Cali (to figure out a plan for the move there a year later). This was on the radio all the time then. As I hoped that my California dream would not turn out that way.

2005: “Cool Night” by Paul Davis. Shopping for cleaning supplies at the local grocery store (to clean my apartment for that move) and feeling such relaxation as it came on. So I still associate it with finally making that major life change. It also started my appreciation for late ’70s/early ’80s soft rock.

2011: “Blackout” by Breathe Carolina. Toward the end of my struggles during that time out west. But still remember this coming on the radio right after I’d picked up a date to go out one night. It wasn’t the typical genre I expected to like. But she started up with it from the beginning. And by midway through the song, I was nodding my full acceptance. Before the end we were fully in tune together. “I’m only getting started! I won’t black out”

2012: “Mr. Wrong” by Mary J. Blige. During lonely nights driving out to play poker (as I was on the road staying in a good friend’s area for awhile). Searching for a new life.

2017: “Alone” by Halsey. Anything Halsey from that year would fit. Not surprising that I’d pick that particular song of hers though. As I ended up back in the same city from my 20s for awhile.

2018: “Tender Love” by Force MDs. One day it came on at work in my good friend’s office, and I started playing it some on my own occasionally since. So I now associate it with my time at that company

2022: “Ordinary World” by Duran Duran. Ending up back near my hometown for now (for family reasons). By this point, I was already trying to avoid “crying for yesterday” and wishing that there was an ordinary world that I could somehow find.

Still hoping for that.

Let’s chill

It’s 2005. Inside the condo I was leasing in Southern California then.

There’s someone sitting on my couch across the room from me. And she’s waiting expectantly. I dim the lights in the room and start over with a sly smirk.

Our eyes lock again.

Even though we’d only been out a few times, we both knew the chemistry that was there. And that now was the time to start exploring that connection some more.

As the last step to set the scene, I turn on the music mix that I’d put together earlier that day. “Let’s Chill” (by Guy) starts playing. And once its intro shifts into a sultry beat, you can see that instant that her mind registers approval of the choice (as she’s introduced to my love of ’90s R&B).

Yes, it sounds like a scene scripted for a movie. But sometimes they actually happen that naturally in real life. And for us, it was that night.

But it wasn’t long before I never saw her again.

What went wrong? Nothing specific. That night or otherwise. I just never took the budding relationship any further. Until recently, I always attributed distancing myself to how she was way too much of a nurturer (rather than there being a balance of what both of us would want from life, and each other). Which I knew would never work for me.

And that very well may be true. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder: was it really? Or was I doing the thing that emotionally unavailable people can be best at: making sure that you find a reason to keep anyone and everyone from getting serious with you, no matter what.

Despite how self-aware I am, this is a rare time where I’m simply not sure of an answer. Maybe it’s because it was a combination of both. Or maybe cause it’ll never be quite clear enough to know for sure.

But one thing’s for sure: with how I am (and was), there was little doubt about the lifelong solitary path that I’d end up taking. And if I’d known how certain that was at the time, I never would’ve let her get the least bit attached to begin with.

So yep, romance may be like the movies sometimes. But the happily ever after endings? Much more elusive.

More music cheese (and the associated life hurt)

Another addition to the music guilty pleasure admissions: I enjoy some Kenny G songs. And yes, I just admitted it.

At this point, I’d probably need plenty of entries highlighting all of the other socially “acceptable” genres that I like (to even things out). But the tone of this blog rarely fits a comparison to, say, when Ice Cube was steady mobbin. Anyway….

I’ve been watching the video for “Silhouette” more and more lately. It’s supposed to be a modest celebration of life and his music. But for me, it just digs the life pain dagger in that much deeper.

You wouldn’t think that the video would make anyone react like that. Because it’s pretty basic: he walks alone (after his concert ends) to a nice restaurant. Says hello to a fellow sax playing doorman and some of the patrons, who are mostly in their 30s. Plays a quick solo for a starstruck woman (which is supposed to be the climax of the song). Then leaves and starts walking home.

Why would that even bother me so much? Because it subtly represents a lot of my unhappy life and what I’m missing.

Because despite his mixing with the crowd, Kenny is still alone the entire time. He’s an outsider to the happy couples and friends having their dinner and enjoying themselves, and then his night ends alone.

And during the restaurant scenes, you see one couple dancing the night away for a few seconds. The joy on the woman’s face encompasses everything that’s good and healthy about life. She’s caught up in the moment and whisked away to that surreal level of happiness that comes with it.

The good times. That socialization. The connection with another person. And the bright smile that emanates from it all.

It’s pretty much everything that my life never has anymore. And didn’t have much of during my 20s and 30s either. Now I’ve just turned 50 (and can only watch others experience those times and years). Even if it’s in the form of a music video from the late ’80s. And that hurts.

So at this point, this “midlife” crisis seems like a misnomer. Because I don’t know if I’ll ever get past this. Being able to accept these older stages of life may never happen. And I may never be able to lose this pain and regret.

Until the bitter end.

Somewhere out there…

…beneath the pale moonlight.

As I was making my latest late night drive home recently, that song came on the radio. On this AM station of various easy-listening 60s to 80s music that I’d just discovered.

The moment I heard it start (especially given the backdrop of being out at night with the moon in front of me), something hit me differently about the song. And I knew it’d take on a new significance for the rest of my life.

Not for the main reason that most would think, though. Naturally the song’s about a lonely soul hoping to finally have loved ones around again. But since I know how hapless the chances are of curing that kinda pain in my life, that part doesn’t even register too much.

So what DOES it mean most to me?

The fledgling hope that life happiness, peace, and redemption could possibly still be out there. Somehow, some way. Even though I know the realistic chances of that are extremely slim.

So when that song comes on now, it changes me for a few minutes. Into that little kid who’s lost (or never had) someone or something that means the most in their life . Who’s sitting outside at night looking at the stars. Making that wish that the sadness will go away someday.

And I need that extra escape. Because things are only getting still worse. Not only do I continue to never make progress on improving any of my issues, but the rest of life continues to deteriorate too. Mom is regressing again. I only get older and unhealthier at an ever-quickening pace. Finances continue to worsen because of my endless string of past and current mistakes. And once my current resume gap gets much longer (which could easily happen since mom will need more back surgery soon, which will require a long time on the road for rehabilitation), then it’ll become that much more difficult to find a new 9 to 5.

With your world crumbling around you, it can feel like that’s all you have left.

To wish on that bright star.

End of the road

I recently wrote about some experiences in my life when I just didn’t reciprocate the interest of someone around me.

But more often than not, that shoe has been on the other foot.

I started to realize this even more when I was on the phone about 10 years ago with my best friend from college. The one I painted in a not-so-flattering tone not too long ago (and, well, this isn’t going to make him look any better).

He really is a great guy. I swear. Sooo…..

During that phone convo, I mentioned how we once sat on the floor outside my room in the dorm (our freshman year), belting out “End of the Road” in awful voices and without a care in the world. He had no memory of that at all.

I know, I know. You could definitely consider that one of those random moments that most people would forget. But the thing is, it signifies our entire friendship. Because I could always tell that our college times meant more to me (than they did to him). He had a much more balanced, healthy existence before and after those years. So to him, it was just another life phase.

To me, though, those first three years of college were the best I’d had since early childhood. Or since.

This represents a lot of my more meaningful moments with others. Sadly there haven’t been many. But when they have happened, the other person just isn’t on the same level as I am. And of course on the flipside, there are also a few more examples of an experience meaning more to them instead. Even though I could count those on one hand.

And despite how little contact I keep with anyone anymore, this can still happen nowadays. It actually just did. Today a friend asked if I was going to be there for our tentative plans to meet up next month. But he’ll have his stepson with him and needs to focus most on that part of his trip. As usual, I’m the secondary part of someone’s life.

It’s all a part of how I’ve usually been so distanced from the world. As if my being incapable of feeling deep bonds isn’t enough, there’s also that poor timing or fit (during the times when I’ve come closest to connecting with others).

Tonight as I drove home, you couldn’t see a single star overhead. Just the moon (as it swung back and forth with my turns across the night sky). It looked all alone in the universe.

I know how it feels.

What hits at the core of the crisis

When I was in my 20s, I didn’t go out on weekends as often as I should have. But there were still enough long, interesting nights at clubs to remember.

None of those memories are too specific. Just the situation in general, and how being out on the floor with your friends can just take your world away. Despite that the fact that I can’t….and I mean CAN NOT dance to anything with a quick beat.

That didn’t matter though. It was all about the energy. The music. The atmosphere. And how all of that came together on those nights to take advantage of those years.

Which is why hearing songs like the one below (one of my very favorite EDM tunes) hits at the core of my current mid-life crisis. “It Feels So Good” hit big about 20 years ago, when I was at the heart of those years in my mid-20s.

But even though that makes it hurt to hear that song (and especially to see the video, where couples that age are getting seduced by both the music and each other at the same time), I will never stop going back to watch it.

Because it’s the closest thing possible to turning back the clock.

Even if it’s just for a few minutes.

The soundtrack to your life

A lot of us undoubtedly have a song that defines us. Mine is “You Belong to the City” by Glenn Frey. Not just because it’s an 80s song or because I’ve lived in cities my entire adult life; there’s a lot more to it than that.

“The moon comes up and the music calls. You’re getting tired of staring at the same four walls”.

I’ve talked about this in recent blogs. Being such a night person who sits around feeling entrapped in the same place, whether it be inside my mind or the actual walls of whatever apartment I was living in at the time. Often with nothing but the music playing in the background.

“Moving through the crowd in the midnight heat. The traffic roars. The sirens scream. You look at the faces. It’s just like a dream.”

I’ve done this so many times. Out in the city alone at night. The sounds around you. It does feel just like an escapist dream.

“Nobody knows where you’re going. Nobody cares where you’ve been.”

This doesn’t quite describe me now (although sometimes it already feels like it), because my mother and a very small handful of other people would check up on me. But as I get older, that group gets smaller and smaller. And I’m certainly not living (or expect to live) the kind of lifestyle that will expand a family/close friends circle during the second half of my life. As the years go on, that verse will ring more and more true, and it could easily encapsulate my situation literally at some point.

“When you said goodbye you were on the run. Trying to get away from the things you’ve done. Now you’re back again and you’re feeling strange. So much has happened, but nothing has changed. You still don’t know where you’re going. You’re still just a face in the crowd.”

Quite eery how this is now my present. As we speak, I’m on my way back from the city that I left many years ago. The place that I’ve realized should be home for the rest of my life. I expect to move back there early next year. And that line couldn’t express it any better…..much has happened since, but so little has changed.

“Cause you belong to the city. You belong to the night. Living in a river of darkness, beneath the neon light”.

Simply says it all. Past, present, and future.