In all of my mentions of being emotionally distanced from family in this blog, I’ve only really mentioned my own characteristics (related to how that ends up being the case). But there is much, much more to it than that.
While I probably would’ve felt the same way about most things regardless (just from how I simply am), my family’s actions often alienate me that much more. Many of the things I could overlook, but there’s main factor that has, and always will be, front and center. And this one can’t be dismissed:
All of them (all of my blood, anyway) only think about what they want. And beyond that, they are virtually incapable of even putting themselves in anyone else’s shoes either. Naturally this leads to very high levels of selfishness and very low levels of empathy and awareness of what’s best for those around them.
I’ve dealt with this my entire life (though I was never really aware of how things really were until I was an adult, because you’d never know that they were like this on the surface). Because it’s not like I was ever abused, neglected, or anything similar. But once I started to look back on things long ago, I realized that everything about my life was always structured around what my parents wanted, and that they were never really paying attention to what meant the most to me. And I’m not talking about getting me whatever I wanted or anything like that; just referring to a general awareness of what made me tick, and what was best for my life. The kind of thing that way too many parents just don’t do.
And the worst par is that they THINK that they DO give unconditional support and that they only think of me. Try telling a parent who’s always been a part of their kid’s life that they’re actually only thinking about themselves the entire time, and see how far you get in opening up some dialogue to get them to understand and attempt improving the situation. You won’t get anywhere. I’ve tried.
Why am I bringing this up now? Because mom knows that I may want to move back to my “home” city this spring (across the country). And just a few moments ago, I already started getting the guilt trip of “do you have any bombshells for me before the visits over”, etc etc. Obviously I understand that it will be difficult for her to have me move further away again, but I can’t sacrifice myself entirely either. Compromises can be worked out that won’t make my new situation that much different than the current one (in recent years, I’ve lived about a two hour drive away). I want to figure out the best solution for everyone.
Balance. Neither selfishness nor selflessness. It’s how I’ve always tried to function, but it’s how no one else in my family ever has. It’s exhausting.
And just once, I’d like to hear mom say something like “while I would obviously love to have you as close as possible, I understand that you have to do what’s best for your life too.” Rather than having anything and everything, 100% of the time, be seen only from her viewpoint and what she wants (while only seeing the negatives and fighting me every step of the way whenever we don’t see eye to eye).
That will never happen though. But at least there’s this: while I have my many faults, it’s taught me that much more to always strive for that aforementioned balance in my life between myself and the others around me. If your elders never remind you of what you should do, you may has well get the usage of being reminded what NOT to
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