Tag: struggles

Conflicted

As I continue with the same struggles that have haunted me for so many years, it’s become even more clear that the imbalances of my life have led to me becoming conflicted with so many this-or-that choices.

And that just stretches the current mid-life crisis further and further as I go.

For a lot of people my age, these life paths have been mostly defined by this time. At this point you have a family, a house, and a (at least somewhat steady) career. Your life has purpose and the future is pretty well defined: the kids are growing up and every day involves managing all these different parts of your existence. Before you know it, they’ll leave the nest. And it may be time for one of your parents to move in, etc etc.

And you know the drill from there. Becoming grandparents, retiring, and eventually fading off into the sunset together (or with your kids taking care of you during those golden years).

But is any of that part of my present or future? Those who have read many of these entries know the answer to that.

Here, there is nothing but present (and likely future) conflict:

  • Do I focus more on taking care of my mother or taking care of myself? We are so different that I can’t do both. And this always has a large impact on what geographic location I’m living in, which is a big factor to me.

  • Do I accept how disconcerted I feel about my present and future (and how that leads to me finding elusive happiness and tranquility in thinking about the past too much)? Or do I release that pleasant crutch and battle harder to find more to live for in present (like those “normal” people I described about with full lives). Which would probably be better for my chances of repairing my future, but also deprive me of one of the few current joys I have in life?
  • Am I really ready to stay here in my target city at the moment, or is it necessary to wait until either retirement age or until I’ve somehow gotten past enough of my demons?

And then, maybe the most important one:

  • Can I accept my prior and current failures enough to go down the best path for possible future success?

As you can imagine, it’d be enough of a challenge just to solve one of these problems. Much less all of them being front and center at the same time.

The struggle is real.

Round and round

If you’re not used to the ’80s song titles, then you haven’t seen enough of my recent entries!

The last couple of months have been very trying. Between helping mom out with a bunch of doctor appointments (her physical health is not good right now) and trying to get tons of tasks done before moving on, I have been at the family’s for longer than I expected. And at this point, since I’m the only close family she has left, I’m going to stay for Thanksgiving before looking more seriously for a new location.

That new location will probably end up being due south. I’ve decided that I am not ready to do my target city again yet, and the Covid effects there make it not ready for me either. Planning on spending a year or two trying to improve life in the warmth (and then hopefully it will finally be time for that permanent destination).

Not what I’d planned, and there’s still no way that I want to wait til anywhere near retirement age to settle in there. But I’m ok with being 48 or so for it.

In the meantime, unfortunately it’s still been the typical. I do better, then worse, put away more sportscards, do better, do worse, better , worse, more cards, etc etc. So between the consistent additions and gains in collectibles value this year, my collection’s worth is still quickly growing and continues to function as a safety net for my lack of discipline with my finances (and life) .

I’ve been asked “How are the cards such a safety net? You could just sell them whenever you need to and have that money available, the same as any other $”. Well, here’s why: when I trade or bet, it’s so quick and easy. A few keystrokes, and you’re done. Lightning fast action. But to sell cards easily at the right price, you have to list them on ebay, take pics, package them up, take it to the post office, give up the ebay fees of around 10%, and so on.

And with my constant depression, coming up with the energy to do all that extra stuff just isn’t appealing. Plus, I’ve already developed a sentimental attachment to the cards. They connect me to my past and to my love for sports. So if I sold the cards (especially to fund addictive and destructive behavior), I’d feel even worse about myself than I already do.

Which means that when I buy something for my personal collection, it stays put. And until I fix myself, that’s a good thing.

Speaking of fixing myself: whenever things turn downward, at some point I’ll still think “ok, this time you are DONE acting like this” and plan to immediately find all the books I need to read about willpower, self-control, diet, and so much else.

But then I never do. Which, as always, makes it nearly impossible to improve my situation for the long term. And usually leads to any new upswings collapsing before long.

Maybe living in the sun year-round will finally give me the motivation that I still haven’t mustered. It definitely won’t hurt, anyway.

Wish me luck.

Save tonight

Save tonight, and fight the break of dawn.

A big hit song from 1997 about lovers who are about to be separated the following morning. But in my case, those lyrics fit virtually every day. It’s 6:15 AM here at the moment and happening as we speak

Yep, I think a lot about escapes and being away from humanity. And this makes for back-to-back entries about them. There is something so serene and relaxing about late night existence. Businesses are closed and most people are inside asleep (or quietly in the same boat as I am).

You can hear a single car pass by, the click of a stoplight changing, or the distant occasional bark of a dog. Sometimes the sound of an ambulance siren that’s much more ominous than when other noises are competing with it during the day. Look up into the limitless dark, and see the universe that reaches beyond anyone’s imagination and possibilities.

And, just as I mentioned the last time: when you’re depressed, stuck with your life, and not doing nearly enough to solve your issues….you don’t feel obliged to take care of business that can only be addressed during the workday. A brief respite from the gloom and antsyness that comes from often feeling down about yourself in that way.

But when the morning comes, all of the above goes away. And you feel some disappointment that you have to wait for the next sunset for your favorite time of day to come back.

The good thing is that since I’m a warm weather person, whenever I’m living in a seasonal climate, the warmth I cherish is a decent tradeoff for the longer days of that time of year. And vice versa. I would rather have nonstop give/take for the year than six months each of all the best or the worst. That wouldn’t be good for my state of mind.

Still though, regardless of the warmth, it’s not easy fighting every daybreak. And I hope to eventually not feel this way about life’s existence at some point.

And back to the deep struggles…

Late last night, my demons finally won out again for the first time in awhile. I had a very big setback and ate a huge loss. As usual, the kind of thing that there was absolutely no excuse for.

The bad news is that a lot of the large recent post-inheritance gains are now gone, which basically functioned as an unexpected early boost to my new-life work capital and as a nice cushion for starting life over again soon . And the chances of making that back anytime soon are very slim.

The good news is that I can still follow through with those life-changing plans and work for myself again, although now that situation just got more tenuous. The money that I expected to use for that is still there.

Also….as difficult as this latest huge setback and failure is to take, there’s a factor that makes it easier to stomach: I shouldn’t have even had so much extra already to begin with, because most was made by just getting lucky in the very short term. If I’d given up a lot of hard work where I “earned” it doing things the right way, that would be different. But that wasn’t what was going on lately. My market trading has been off in recent days, and I simply got lucky for awhile doing other stupid shit to make up for it.

Obviously that doesn’t excuse what happened last night, but it’s still how my mind sees the overall picture. And at the moment, I need to stay as positive as possible to keep from completely falling apart and ruining my future again.

So, where does that leave things going forward? First are foremost, STOP the latest downhill avalanche here. Especially since my career freedom is likely still at stake. Find some solace in how I’ve acquired a valuable sports card collection (which I don’t plan on selling much of regardless, but still). Take that collection, my inheritance, and the small gains from it that are still left, and prepare to move later this summer. FORGET what just happened. Or at least keep it from affecting future decisions.

Life would be so much easier if I wasn’t a wreck…..

That killer (lack of) focus

As I sit here at around midnight in the dark, I’ve been thinking about just how damaging one of my issues has been to my past, present, and future: the great difficulty that my depression-burdened mind has in keeping focus sometimes. In all ways, big and small. Daily life to long-term, and everything in between.

There are the minor ways that it happens. Like not remembering to do a certain task or not clearing your mind enough to get some work done. But then, there are the more damaging times. Especially for someone in my work fields who wants to permanently regain his successful edge so much.

One Monday early last summer, the stock market rebounded strongly from a lot of recent selling. As the following Tuesday afternoon unfolded, I should have noticed that an unusually great trading opportunity was now in front of me (as all of my past experience was screaming that things should continue well higher for the rest of the week).

As you might guess, these spots don’t come up often (if they did, it’d be way too easy to make a killing in these shark-filled financial markets). So when they happen, you have to be ready to strike quickly and decisively. But I didn’t think about it until way too late, and thus did nothing about it. There was no excuse for missing it. And yes, the market did just as I expected for those next few days (which was all I needed).

Had I taken advantage of this, it would have been a life-changer. It was one of those rare spots when not only were you dead on, but the timing and current market forces of everything aligned just right to maximize the potential of it. As close as possible to the perfect trade.

But now, all I can do is grit my teeth and hope that a similar opportunity shows up before too long (and that I’m capitalized enough to take advantage if it does). And even then, there’s obviously no guarantee it will work out as well. Or even at all. Even your best trades can only put the odds in your favor; nothing is even close to foolproof. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out, and sometimes new news will derail things. So I certainly can’t assume that I can replicate what would’ve happened last June, especially at this stage in life.

Regardless of any of that though, my focus still needs to improve about everything else in life too. From top to bottom. A better diet and more regular routines would help some, but it’s so difficult to find the energy and desire. Making yourself care enough (for lack of a better term) isn’t something that you can just conjure out of thin air.

For the first time, I think I will ask for some input here from my (few) regular readers. Have any of you dealt with these type of conundrums? Did you figure out any legit new habits that helped your mind power through depressive hazes?

More holiday (and general) family fun….

In all of my mentions of being emotionally distanced from family in this blog, I’ve only really mentioned my own characteristics (related to how that ends up being the case). But there is much, much more to it than that.

While I probably would’ve felt the same way about most things regardless (just from how I simply am), my family’s actions often alienate me that much more. Many of the things I could overlook, but there’s main factor that has, and always will be, front and center. And this one can’t be dismissed:

All of them (all of my blood, anyway) only think about what they want. And beyond that, they are virtually incapable of even putting themselves in anyone else’s shoes either. Naturally this leads to very high levels of selfishness and very low levels of empathy and awareness of what’s best for those around them.

I’ve dealt with this my entire life (though I was never really aware of how things really were until I was an adult, because you’d never know that they were like this on the surface). Because it’s not like I was ever abused, neglected, or anything similar. But once I started to look back on things long ago, I realized that everything about my life was always structured around what my parents wanted, and that they were never really paying attention to what meant the most to me. And I’m not talking about getting me whatever I wanted or anything like that; just referring to a general awareness of what made me tick, and what was best for my life. The kind of thing that way too many parents just don’t do.

And the worst par is that they THINK that they DO give unconditional support and that they only think of me. Try telling a parent who’s always been a part of their kid’s life that they’re actually only thinking about themselves the entire time, and see how far you get in opening up some dialogue to get them to understand and attempt improving the situation. You won’t get anywhere. I’ve tried.

Why am I bringing this up now? Because mom knows that I may want to move back to my “home” city this spring (across the country). And just a few moments ago, I already started getting the guilt trip of “do you have any bombshells for me before the visits over”, etc etc. Obviously I understand that it will be difficult for her to have me move further away again, but I can’t sacrifice myself entirely either. Compromises can be worked out that won’t make my new situation that much different than the current one (in recent years, I’ve lived about a two hour drive away). I want to figure out the best solution for everyone.

Balance. Neither selfishness nor selflessness. It’s how I’ve always tried to function, but it’s how no one else in my family ever has. It’s exhausting.

And just once, I’d like to hear mom say something like “while I would obviously love to have you as close as possible, I understand that you have to do what’s best for your life too.” Rather than having anything and everything, 100% of the time, be seen only from her viewpoint and what she wants (while only seeing the negatives and fighting me every step of the way whenever we don’t see eye to eye).

That will never happen though. But at least there’s this: while I have my many faults, it’s taught me that much more to always strive for that aforementioned balance in my life between myself and the others around me. If your elders never remind you of what you should do, you may has well get the usage of being reminded what NOT to