Family and stability (or lack thereof)

Been thinking some lately about how the absence of having people close in my life (especially family) has evolved over the years. And how that’s going to affect my future at this stage in life.

I grew up with mom’s side of the family; dad’s side lived two hours away and we never really meshed much. Lots of only children on that half of the family tree (including myself), so it was just dad, mom, her parents, and her aunt.

Starting with my teen years, naturally you start losing your older family members one by one. First my maternal grandfather, then her aunt and her mother. As you can imagine, that made things a good bit different.

Then about 15 years went by before I started to lose my dad’s side. Even though I wasn’t that close to them (other than my father), it still has some effect. In just a few years (during my early to mid 40s), my grandfather, father, and grandmother all passed too.

So now, at 47, my mother is all who’s left. I’m single with no kids, no siblings, and just an aunt and uncle (dad’s brother and sister) who don’t even know me that well.

Basically it’s just mom now.

And despite how many things about her are toxic and drive me crazy (and the fact that I’m so emotionally distant from the whole world), she provides one thing for me who no one else can at this point: stability. Having her constant involvement in my life keeps me and my volatile choices somewhat in check. Not entirely by ANY means, but enough to really help. That help doesn’t come from much direct involvement; it’s more about wanting to avoid the shame of her seeing me destroy myself too much (and also how that would affect her). All that matters is that it works, though.

But as you can imagine, this makes my longer-term future even more precarious that it would be otherwise (given my life situation). Because once she is gone, the main barrier that keeps me from more severe life lows will vanish. Obviously that is very concerning.

Especially since I still never find the willpower (or care enough) to try and improve myself and tame any of my demons. And I don’t know if that will ever change.

What IS known is the consequences if it doesn’t.