alone – Mister A’s domain

Let’s chill

It’s 2005. Inside the condo I was leasing in Southern California then.

There’s someone sitting on my couch across the room from me. And she’s waiting expectantly. I dim the lights in the room and start over with a sly smirk.

Our eyes lock again.

Even though we’d only been out a few times, we both knew the chemistry that was there. And that now was the time to start exploring that connection some more.

As the last step to set the scene, I turn on the music mix that I’d put together earlier that day. “Let’s Chill” (by Guy) starts playing. And once its intro shifts into a sultry beat, you can see that instant that her mind registers approval of the choice (as she’s introduced to my love of ’90s R&B).

Yes, it sounds like a scene scripted for a movie. But sometimes they actually happen that naturally in real life. And for us, it was that night.

But it wasn’t long before I never saw her again.

What went wrong? Nothing specific. That night or otherwise. I just never took the budding relationship any further. Until recently, I always attributed distancing myself to how she was way too much of a nurturer (rather than there being a balance of what both of us would want from life, and each other). Which I knew would never work for me.

And that very well may be true. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder: was it really? Or was I doing the thing that emotionally unavailable people can be best at: making sure that you find a reason to keep anyone and everyone from getting serious with you, no matter what.

Despite how self-aware I am, this is a rare time where I’m simply not sure of an answer. Maybe it’s because it was a combination of both. Or maybe cause it’ll never be quite clear enough to know for sure.

But one thing’s for sure: with how I am (and was), there was little doubt about the lifelong solitary path that I’d end up taking. And if I’d known how certain that was at the time, I never would’ve let her get the least bit attached to begin with.

So yep, romance may be like the movies sometimes. But the happily ever after endings? Much more elusive.

Taking a new step

As this year winds down (and my degenerate habits still have me on a completely self-destructive path), I took a step today to stop the bleeding for now. Further action than I’ve ever done:

I restricted access from all the sites that facilitate my poor choices for a full year. Prior to this, the only time I’d ever done anything like that was with one site about a year and a half ago. But that still left me with way too many outlets. And now, that’s not the case anymore.

This was not easy to do. Not as much because of how it’ll take away my problem activities. Sure I’ll miss it, but I’m not the type that will go jonesing for action and have some horrible withdrawals. The main reason is because when it comes to this battle…..I hate the idea of using any avoidance techniques (rather than being able to tackle my issues head on and hopefully increase my willpower).

But at the moment, I needed a change more than ever. One that might get me to finally focus a lot more on making necessary life changes. And it’s not like I’m giving up on ever improving myself. Because if I do find a way to turn the corner on some of my demons in the next year, then come next holiday season, it’ll be time to see if I can handle risking money the right way again.

One full year. To try and do this without the looming cloud over my head of often further destroying myself and my family financially.

Don’t know how I’ll react. Because for better and worse, these activities have been part of my life for the last 35 years. Ever since I got back into sportscards in high school and occasionally bought a pack of old cards w/ the hope of hitting something big. I’ve had some prolonged breaks before, but this will still be different (because those were simply because I didn’t have the money for awhile). Cutting yourself off entirely from the activity (no matter what) just isn’t the same.

As usual, I’ll update how it’s going here whenever the mood strikes. It’s going to be an exhausting year, and my list of things that need fixed is as long as ever. Pretty much everything about life (from health to career). And given my track record, the odds may not be too good. But then, that’s why I made this change. To at least see if I end up giving it a different shot.

We’ll see who I am as of December 13, 2025.

A new level of broken

Around six years ago, I spent one weekend at back to back big concerts (with a woman who, at the time, I was very close to). We sang our hearts out and were able to let loose and enjoy ourselves.

Doesn’t sound like me? Yep, that happens very rarely.

So then, why am I bringing that up now?

Because I don’t think I’m capable of even those quick escapes from my depression anymore. Despite all my years of struggles and isolation, at least I was able to still have some enjoyable experiences with others occasionally. But not now.

At this stage of never dating anymore, entering the 50+ stage of life with no support system, and all of my life issues only getting worse…..I never even feel like doing anything positive.

And that’s a shame. Cause even though it’s so difficult for single people my age to add others closely into their lives, I’ve learned recently that there are actually two people around here who might be an exception to that rule:

A woman I grew up in school with (who I’ve hung out with before and is also having a tough time with this life stage) and a guy who lives around the corner in my apartment building. I’ve only run into him a couple times and he has no idea who I am, but I’ve seen him pop up on my facebook wall since he went to med school with one of my old childhood baseball teammates.

I get along very well with that woman. And it’s clear that I have plenty in common with the guy. And that even though he has a much fuller life than I do (kids and being a doctor), he still seems to be single, without close friendships, and wanting something more in life beyond the work and father routine.

But I still haven’t reached out to them. And who knows if I ever will. Despite these situations possibly being just what I need to somehow become healthier, establish tighter contacts in this area, and just improve life in general.

And it’s so dangerous to feel this way. Those occasional dating and friend escapes in my 20s, 30s, and early/mid 40s definitely helped my state of mind. Without them, it’s just total depression without any breaks. Which is how it’s been for the past few years, and likely for good going forward.

A new, permanent level of broken.

Late night walk of nothingness

When you’re as much of a depressed slug as I am, you (very) occasionally feel the urge to get outside. And when that happens, you’d better act on it.

In my case, that’s usually in the dark with no one around. As long as it’s not that cold out. Tonight it was a shade cooler than I’d prefer, but still plenty mild enough. So at 1 AM, the shorts and sweatshirt went on.

I live in an apartment complex that’s on a few mile stretch of business road off the interstate. It’s the only residence on this entire road (and nothing is open overnight). So at this hour, even in this packed college town, it’s a total ghost town down the main drag.

Was on my way down the hill and toward the interstate. While this doesn’t make me clear my head, feel any better, or any of the other feel good cliches associated with taking a healthy walk…..since I’m drawn to the solitude and surreal nature of this dark version of one, it still appeals to me.

Took only ten minutes to get most of the way down. I head into a business complex that has a hotel. Since I glorify a possible future existence of wasting away alone in a hotel during my golden years, I go over to just take in the view.

Surprisingly a hotel guest (maybe about 70) was just outside the entrance. He had a brace on his leg and was using a walker, as he slightly struggled to get turned around and go back inside. Quite an eery glimpse of my future that I never expected to see so late.

Go figure.

As I’m digesting that bizarre reminder of how things will likely be in about 20 years (especially if I don’t lose any of the extra belly weight I’ve gained), I decide to go a little further. The interstate entrance was only a couple more blocks away.

After continuing down the sidewalk to the entrance, I press the button to walk across. Not because I’m going to cross. Just to hear one of my favorite parts of these quiet, blurry night walks: the clicking of a stoplight changing.

I wait almost a full minute. The light never changes. So much for that.

It’s time to head back up the hill now. Before long, my hamstrings remind me that they’ve rarely been asked to do this (for almost 30 years now). I can still walk forever without tiring on flat surfaces, but steep hills are a different beast.

Not too far before the slope evens out some though, so the reminders of my deteriorated physical conditioning don’t last too long. Even by the time I’m opening my apartment complex’s door at 1:35, I’ve barely broken a sweat from my uphill return.

Guess I’m not ready to completely keel over yet, eh.

Now it’s back to where I spend most of my apartment time (which is most of the time that I’m not at the family’s house): sitting on my couch alone and avoiding life responsibilities or finding any joy in this existence.

As I finish typing this at 2:10, it’s maybe five hours until daybreak. And I’ll fight every one of them ending.

So that I don’t have to deal with tomorrow.

More music cheese (and the associated life hurt)

Another addition to the music guilty pleasure admissions: I enjoy some Kenny G songs. And yes, I just admitted it.

At this point, I’d probably need plenty of entries highlighting all of the other socially “acceptable” genres that I like (to even things out). But the tone of this blog rarely fits a comparison to, say, when Ice Cube was steady mobbin. Anyway….

I’ve been watching the video for “Silhouette” more and more lately. It’s supposed to be a modest celebration of life and his music. But for me, it just digs the life pain dagger in that much deeper.

You wouldn’t think that the video would make anyone react like that. Because it’s pretty basic: he walks alone (after his concert ends) to a nice restaurant. Says hello to a fellow sax playing doorman and some of the patrons, who are mostly in their 30s. Plays a quick solo for a starstruck woman (which is supposed to be the climax of the song). Then leaves and starts walking home.

Why would that even bother me so much? Because it subtly represents a lot of my unhappy life and what I’m missing.

Because despite his mixing with the crowd, Kenny is still alone the entire time. He’s an outsider to the happy couples and friends having their dinner and enjoying themselves, and then his night ends alone.

And during the restaurant scenes, you see one couple dancing the night away for a few seconds. The joy on the woman’s face encompasses everything that’s good and healthy about life. She’s caught up in the moment and whisked away to that surreal level of happiness that comes with it.

The good times. That socialization. The connection with another person. And the bright smile that emanates from it all.

It’s pretty much everything that my life never has anymore. And didn’t have much of during my 20s and 30s either. Now I’ve just turned 50 (and can only watch others experience those times and years). Even if it’s in the form of a music video from the late ’80s. And that hurts.

So at this point, this “midlife” crisis seems like a misnomer. Because I don’t know if I’ll ever get past this. Being able to accept these older stages of life may never happen. And I may never be able to lose this pain and regret.

Until the bitter end.

Somewhere out there…

…beneath the pale moonlight.

As I was making my latest late night drive home recently, that song came on the radio. On this AM station of various easy-listening 60s to 80s music that I’d just discovered.

The moment I heard it start (especially given the backdrop of being out at night with the moon in front of me), something hit me differently about the song. And I knew it’d take on a new significance for the rest of my life.

Not for the main reason that most would think, though. Naturally the song’s about a lonely soul hoping to finally have loved ones around again. But since I know how hapless the chances are of curing that kinda pain in my life, that part doesn’t even register too much.

So what DOES it mean most to me?

The fledgling hope that life happiness, peace, and redemption could possibly still be out there. Somehow, some way. Even though I know the realistic chances of that are extremely slim.

So when that song comes on now, it changes me for a few minutes. Into that little kid who’s lost (or never had) someone or something that means the most in their life . Who’s sitting outside at night looking at the stars. Making that wish that the sadness will go away someday.

And I need that extra escape. Because things are only getting still worse. Not only do I continue to never make progress on improving any of my issues, but the rest of life continues to deteriorate too. Mom is regressing again. I only get older and unhealthier at an ever-quickening pace. Finances continue to worsen because of my endless string of past and current mistakes. And once my current resume gap gets much longer (which could easily happen since mom will need more back surgery soon, which will require a long time on the road for rehabilitation), then it’ll become that much more difficult to find a new 9 to 5.

With your world crumbling around you, it can feel like that’s all you have left.

To wish on that bright star.

The midnight traveler

My visit to the national sportscard show yesterday evening went about as expected. After waiting in line for an hour to get in, I barely spent more time than that on the show floor (before realizing that I didn’t have it in me). There was so little that I was interested in buying, and there were very few options for those needs anyway. Between that and not being in the frame of mind to make the most of the experience, I was heading out before most people would get their first glimpse of it all.

Met up with my “card” friend for a quick dinner, headed back to the hotel room, and napped. Being the night owl that I am, that nap meant I’d be awake all night. At a noisy hotel in a city with nothing else for me. So, I decided to make the 2 1/2 hour drive home right then.

Went downstairs, got a strange look from the guy at the front desk (“checking out, not in?”), and was ready to go.

As I pulled out of my parking spot, the clock in my car said exactly midnight.

I knew this quiet, dark drive back would fit my empty life of solitude’s comfort zone. And sure enough, it did.

After about an hour, stopping to get gas at a service center on the turnpike. No one else in the building but one guy sitting on a bench looking at his phone. As I leave the restroom, I notice that the few restaurants there are naturally all closed at this hour.

Yes, this is my kinda scene.

I walk outside into the mildly cool night air and fill up the gas tank. Not a soul in sight or sound to be heard. Other than the faint whoosh of an occasional truck on the interstate that I was bout to rejoin.

As I get back on the road, my mind returns to all of my current life issues and pain. Tears well up in my eyes (and not for the first or last time during the drive). While they never fell, they did provide an interesting glow/streak to the few lights on the road that came and went.

You know how when you’re on a trip (and there’s that anxious feeling to get get get there, so that you can unwind and relax again)?

Well, that was when the following hit me: this was the opposite. A drive that I wished would NEVER end. Moreso than any I’d ever had before. It made me want to flip a switch right then (and turn my life into a video game). One where the drive actually could have no ending or destination.

Because there’s nothing worthwhile in my life to come home to (or realistically hope for in the future). But as long as I’m out on that dark road in the middle of the night, I don’t have to face the next day yet.

And I can be at peace.

Living with lost hope: the early returns

Been about a month since I resigned myself to the fact that I’ll probably never fix most of my major issues or experience happiness again.

And I wasn’t sure how I’d react to that. Would the depression become even more difficult to manage? What major changes would I feel daily? So far, the best way to describe it is this:

It’s like I’ve been diagnosed with a terminal illness (and have already accepted my fate). But without the timetable of dying any sooner.

I know that doesn’t make much sense. But that’s how it is.

This has both some good and bad. The good is that I feel a little more at peace. Not much, mind you. But every little bit helps. At least I don’t feel any more unstable. And it relieves you of the pressure to try and fix yourself.

Actually, that last one could be bad instead. Oh well.

On the downside, you feel that much more empty and hopeless. Which dents the motivation to do the more necessary self-improvement aspects of life that much more. Pretty much the last thing I need, but an unavoidable result.

So, we’ll see how this continues to go. I doubt any big changes will happen anytime soon, but you never know.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to float through existence for now.

Life as a dream

You know those dreams when you feel like you’re just looking on from the outside at what happens to you?

As I watch yet another Saturday night of endless people living their life around me, an unsettling thought hit me: that even back when I was having some of those experiences (that are supposed to define much of the happiness that we hope to have), that was how REAL life usually felt to me.

I was there in body. And my mind was aware of everything going on. But I wasn’t actually living it. I’ve recently talked plenty about how I don’t connect deeply with others, but this brings a whole new level to it: not connecting with my surroundings either.

And that makes you feel that much more apart from the world.

Typical advice here would be “just live in the moment”. Well, obviously that’s what you should be doing. But it’s not something you can decide on. You either feel that, or you don’t. And most people do.

I am not most people.

Seagulls

I’ve always identified with the sounds of a seagull flying overhead. One reason is because of how I’ve associated them with the beach. Not only does that bring back memories of summer vacations as a kid, but I’ve also been drawn to the ocean.

The warmth of the Atlantic Coast (from Myrtle Beach to Florida). Feeling the sand and water on your feet. The waves crashing and looking out into the seemingly endless water. It’s the closest thing to a calming effect that any atmosphere can have on me.

There’s also the music with them. The Boys of Summer. And one of the videos for “Sailing”.

Yes, I know that yacht rock is considered so soft and cheesy. I don’t care, and will always love that song. Especially that particular video. As the last chorus ends, you see a single seagull flying over a sunset-filled ocean backdrop.

And whenever I see that, my mind stops for a few seconds. And is taken away to the ultimate feeling of escape, bliss, no worries, and freedom.

Despite how extremely unlikely it is, one day I hope I become that seagull. Finally at peace.

As it flies away here: