Tag: alone

Does depression “weaken” the mind?

In a past entry, I brought up all of the common dreams I experience. And there was one that I just hadn’t figured out too much about “why do I continue to have this?”

This is my common dream where, in a high school or college type setting, I am feeling very unprepared for having an upcoming exam or paper due very soon. And it always makes me feel very uncomfortable and like I’ve really screwed something important up (such as graduating on time, etc).

But the thing is, I was always a top student up through my undergrad years and found a way to get things done when it mattered most. The only time I got burned from slacking off with such responsibilities was after I’d graduated from college (and in spots that never meant much to me, such as my time in grad school). So then….why do I continue to have this bothersome dream?

I think I finally figured it out.

See, after getting my undergrad degree, I became a very average learner. It didn’t matter whether it was work or during that grad school time. The formerly lifetime A student was now a C+ student, and I didn’t have the focus or care enough to try and change that. I’d always written the decline off as not being a huge deal, since it only affected parts of life I wasn’t interested in.

But I’ve just realized that it’s not that simple.

While it doesn’t bother me to be mediocre at those parts of life that are less important to me…..what DOES bug me is my mind and focus being weaker than it used to be. Deep down, that must be affecting me more than I thought it did.

Which is likely why I continue to have that dream.

So finally…..referencing this entry’s title…..can deep enough depression actually cause this to happen? As mentioned, I used to assume that it was just a matter of focus. Especially since I still score the same on IQ tests as I did as a child.

But I’m telling you, I still don’t feel as “smart”. And that didn’t start to happen until my depression sunk in deep about 25 years ago, which was during my senior year at college.

I don’t know what any research says about this. At the moment I don’t even feel like looking anything up. All I know is that you can add this to the list.

The long list of ways that my battle with the depressive beast has weakened me.

Does the dog…er, the loner…really want outside?

As I was sitting here alone on this holiday and contemplating the perils of my current and future existence more, a parallel with some of our four-legged friends hit me.

You know the type of dog that seems like he can’t make up his mind about wanting outside at the moment? Ignore his pleas to go out, and they only become more persistent. Ignore his pleas to come back in after two minutes, and they’ll become just as persistent too.

Rinse and repeat at various times throughout the day.

What’s likely going through the pup’s mind? Antsy energy. A lack of focus on what to do with himself. An inability to be content with whatever environment he’s currently in.

Regardless of whether he’s in or out.

And when you think about it, it’s similar to how we loners feel and act. We know that getting out in the world some is what we need (and that staying in the house stewing about our existence is not healthy). But what happens when we do go outside?

We’re “that” dog. Antsy, restless, feeling sapped of the energy and focus to do much. With a certain amount of social anxiety usually mixed in (in doses anywhere from very minor in my case to quite problematic for some people).

So then what do we do? Like that pup, we find ourselves quickly wishing we were right back inside. And often end up turning around and returning to the sliding glass door before long.

Trapped in our own minds, bodies, and uncomfortable place in the world.

Regardless of whether we’re human or canine.

Boiling point

The last two weeks had already not gone well. As I wrote about recently, the quality of my trading/betting was still full of the same holes (and things had started to slip back). In addition to that, I haven’t found any of the willpower necessary to start fresh in my new place and move toward improving the other parts of life either.

Needless to say, I was already on edge some. Then today happened, and I’m fighting the urge to completely tilt.

Put myself into a difficult spot on a trade that I didn’t need to have. Which led to me bailing on it about an hour too early (and just before the stock market turned in my direction). Turning what could’ve been a very good day into another bad one.

It’s fine when you’re wrong about a situation, cause obviously that will happen sometimes. But when you were very right about the market’s direction and still get stung b/c of how you handled things, that is a BIG problem.

Especially when there’s this: while I’ve written plenty about my attempts to recover from past career/life failures….even though it’s often done with plenty of urgency, that’s been taken to a whole new level this time.

Why? First, because I’m finally back in the place where I have a chance to be happy. If I can’t make life work here now, my chances of ever doing so before I’m too old to enjoy it go way down.

And second: for many years now, whenever I had a new setback with trying to work on my own, getting a 9 to 5 again felt like it was always there as an option (albeit one that I did not prefer at all). But this time, and especially in this city, I don’t want to settle for that anymore.

Between my last experience where I was hired early last month (and I subsequently left) and how I’ll have a much better basis about feeling better about myself if I have my career freedom permanently again, I’ve turned much more against getting a traditional job ever again.

Naturally that means that I have to make things work out now. I know that urgency seems like quite a stressful way to go about it, but oh well. Things have never improved without the urgency either, so I’m not making my situation worse by feeling that way.

So I’m trying to take a very deep breath after moving on. Forget about this recent slide and how awfully it accelerated today, and start fresh moving forward. But unfortunately, that’s never been my way.

It’s like trying to catch a falling knife.

And I’ve never been able to find the handle to.

“Going down the only road I’ve ever known…”

I’ve had about a week and a half now to reflect on my recent get together with someone I’m really close to (reference the entry here from then). But while meeting up with her again went as well as it could have, the days since have reaffirmed what I already expected:

My emotional capability to desire something serious with someone is still practically non-existent. If not entirely.

The only reason there’s even any doubt (about that capability) is that despite the mutual spark and connection with her, it’s likely that we’re way too different for both of us to genuinely enjoy a regular life with each other. When it comes to us, that strong “opposites attract” vibe may not be enough. So you could argue that my feeling distanced (in this spot) has just as much to do with those differences with her.

Thing is though: regardless of how ideal any match might be for me, it’s still doubtful that I could care enough to want it. Almost impossible for me to imagine a situation where I’d rather share my life than be on my own.

You might wonder if it hurts to feel that way. The answer is that it can, but not for the reason you might think:

Because it’s not the actual being alone that hurts. What DOES is the reality that I’m too emotionally removed and disinterested to enjoy the good things that come from not just a fulfilling relationship, but from life in general. When I listen to sad songs or sultry r&b or see other people living these experiences, it hurts to be reminded of how empty your life is (especially since you feel too emotionally trapped to ever change it).

Last night I was talking to a close friend about all this. She is just as ill-equipped to be in a relationship as I am, though some of the reasons for it are totally different than mine. But at least it allows us to bond with someone who’s in the same boat.

We joke about sitting on a porch someday in old people rocking chairs. All our family long gone and no SO or kids in our lives. Reminiscing about how we predicted such an outcome 30 years prior.

Cause, well: to quote something from the ’90s for once (never fear, my ’80s obsession is still intact):

“We can’t run from who we are. Our destiny chooses us”

The battle with addiction: still front and center

I’ve been back in the city I call home for about a month now, and have been moved in to my new place for just over two weeks. And as I’ve mentioned so many times, there is still so much about life that needs sorted out more (and habits improved) if I’m finally going to succeed again.

But while things have gone well in the last few weeks (financially), I knew that I still hadn’t really done anything to begin taming my demons. To be honest, I was mostly lucky (rather than good) during that time. It wasn’t going to last long w/ those same bad habits, so naturally things have just started to slip again now.

Thing is though: it’s another wake-up call that I needed. Especially while I’m still in a pretty good position to try and finally make the life that I need permanently.

Unfortunately, that still hasn’t meant that it’s been much easier to find the energy and willpower to make necessary changes. There are those tireless cliches like “the biggest step/half the battle is admitting that you have a problem”, but that’s not the case for me. I’ve known about my addictive issues my entire adult life, and that’s barely even gotten me off the ground.

For some of us, the biggest step is finding that energy to not only start fighting, but never let the battle go. Especially when you’re always dealing with depression at the same time, and when you’ve always had a subconscious tendency to fight happiness. That combination has kept me going in circles for over 20 years now.

It would probably help to have others support me in said battle. Or at least to talk to in detail about it as I go. But sadly, no one in my family is capable of being a non-toxic and open-minded influence, and the unusual circumstances of how my addiction and work mix together have flummoxed even the most experienced therapists. And I’ve talked at length before about how I can be quite the loner by nature anyway.

I’ve also found that those who are troubled (understandably) have enough shit to deal with, and those who aren’t are either uncomfortable being involved (or else just can’t understand enough how it feels or what needs done from the outside).

So, I will likely be taking all this on (and figuring most of it out) on my own. Luckily I’m well used to that.

I’ll probably try to change my diet first and see how that helps the initial step (of needing more energy) enough. And if that helps springboard me some, then use that crucially-needed energy to try and stay more focused on the many other self-improvement steps that need taken, and to actually take those steps as I go.

Hopefully that will work. If not, I’ll have to keep going back to the drawing board until I find something that does. Regardless of how long it takes.

Cause what other choice is there?

After 10 years: different, but same

Late last year, I wrote about what was going on with someone I’d met years ago (and had unusually amazing chemistry with) and gave some other background about my past and present romantic life.

When the past (and current) you cross paths…

(Not a subject that I get into too often, but there ya go).

Well….after all that time, we finally met up again last night. Now that I just moved back out west, she only lives an afternoon’s drive from here. She was flying out of my city in the morning, so we were able to make it happen.

Would the spark still be there after all that time….especially for two people whose lives can be so unhealthy, unpredictable, and bizarre?

Yes, it was. Honestly I think I’ve aged worse physically than she has since then (which is understandable since I’m a little older than she is). But those things didn’t matter. The attraction and vibe that we had was like a couple who was crazy about each other.

Does that mean that we’ll finally look into being together? Oh dear reader, if it were only that simple. Even though we’re only a few hours away now, the logistics would still be difficult. And let’s not forget one of the things that I mentioned in the last entry about this (about how at this point, neither of us may ever be equipped for anything serious with anyone ).

So we will just have to see how things unfold. But after what just happened, we know for sure that the potential is there.

If both of us are ever capable of pursuing it…

One more chance

As we speak, I am driving back out to my target city. This time for good.

The second company that I interviewed with recently has hired me. And while the (slightly better) job possibility with the first company is still in play, I wasn’t going to turn down a sure thing.

So, I am now heading out there to plant myself again.

The situation has come together a lot better than I would have guessed (or even deserve). When it comes to how family, finances, location, and opportunity now sit in front of me: while it’s far, far from where things should be (other than the location)…….given all the mistakes I’ve made over the years, it’s pretty much best-case scenario for moving forward.

Because at least I have a better chance to salvage myself some . Maybe not to the extent that I need, but enough to count.

Once I get settled in, I’ll still be in this similar spot though: needing to muster the willpower to improve diet, exercise, financial discipline, and many other parts of life. As mentioned many times in prior entries, it’s a long road since so much of me needs fixed.

Not even going to elaborate much on whether or not I’ll pull it off. Especially since I know that despite how solid this opportunity is, I’m still fighting long odds.

For now, I just want to spend a short time focusing on one thing:

Hope

Some from the unexpected, but then more of the same

I have been back in my initial target city for almost a week now. This was an unseen turn of events, as I’d just tossed a flyer out for a job there (that I never expected to get taken so seriously, as Indeed applications normally aren’t).

Flew out. Put on my game face. For as much as I don’t want most human contact, you’d never know it if you interviewed me. I put on one hell of an act.

But despite everyone loving me at the company except maybe one, I have a feeling that one (who’d be my immediate boss) turned against me during our second interview (and first in-person one). It’s probably a blessing in disguise though, because she seems like a terrible person. Yes, I learned enough about her already (both professionally and personally) to make that call.

Still though, I don’t have nearly enough excess energy to continue to struggle like this without moving forward. Even managed a video interview with a second company tomorrow afternoon too, but it’s going to be tough to get up for it. I’ll manage to, but it won’t be easy to give my best effort again at the moment.

Right now, I wish once again that I could just hole myself away from the world for good. The “Leaving Las Vegas” type ending is becoming more and more likely, though that probably won’t happen soon because of other life obligations.

But that future is out there. Lingering.

Patiently waiting for its moment to grab me and never let go.

Florida fail

This afternoon, I will start back north for the time being.

After exhausting all possible areas in the last six weeks, my job search in Florida has completely stalled. A few decent leads had no followup, and I can’t waste more time here hoping that someone will eventually follow through. At least not until I’ve gotten caught up on some tasks back home and taken a little time to reevaluate the next best step.

Personal contacts, job recruiters, Indeed, Linkedin. It hasn’t mattered.

It’s difficult enough for me to handle having a 9 to 5 in general, because of how I never should have been in this position after my successes years ago. But not even being able to find something new this time (given that I now have more traditional work experience in my field and a much better resume for those jobs)…..well, that really makes it tough to move forward.

I may have to sacrifice the hope for a warm climate and just start launching resumes all over this half of the country. See if a needle in a haystack can somehow be uncovered.

But that’s quite a sacrifice for my current situation, because I really need an environment that will allow me to improve the rest of my life too. And that’s much less likely to happen in a frozen tundra. There’s a lot of hard work to be done on myself, and I may not be strong enough to pull it off without the help of a consistently palatable climate.

So it’s back on the road for a couple days. Not the kind of travel I love, either.

The end of a journey. And a troubled one at that.

Not a care in the world

I’ve been at my friend’s house in Florida for a few days now.

The family dog was my new buddy after just a few hours. He’s laying next to me half asleep on the couch as I write this. Half pekingese and half chihuahua.

If I weren’t typing at the moment, his back would be my left armrest.

I watch him sigh contently there. Complete trust in a human he just met. Not a care in the world. And I actually find myself a little jealous of this 15 pounds of being with an underbite.

No new job to find. No bad habits to break. No future to figure out or midlife crisis. Not even a need to plan the next day.

It really is a dog’s life.