Tag: travel

After 10 years: different, but same

Late last year, I wrote about what was going on with someone I’d met years ago (and had unusually amazing chemistry with) and gave some other background about my past and present romantic life.

When the past (and current) you cross paths…

(Not a subject that I get into too often, but there ya go).

Well….after all that time, we finally met up again last night. Now that I just moved back out west, she only lives an afternoon’s drive from here. She was flying out of my city in the morning, so we were able to make it happen.

Would the spark still be there after all that time….especially for two people whose lives can be so unhealthy, unpredictable, and bizarre?

Yes, it was. Honestly I think I’ve aged worse physically than she has since then (which is understandable since I’m a little older than she is). But those things didn’t matter. The attraction and vibe that we had was like a couple who was crazy about each other.

Does that mean that we’ll finally look into being together? Oh dear reader, if it were only that simple. Even though we’re only a few hours away now, the logistics would still be difficult. And let’s not forget one of the things that I mentioned in the last entry about this (about how at this point, neither of us may ever be equipped for anything serious with anyone ).

So we will just have to see how things unfold. But after what just happened, we know for sure that the potential is there.

If both of us are ever capable of pursuing it…

When it feels right

Well. My new employment situation was…..something that needs its own entry to be fully appreciated. That can come next.

But for now, suffice it to say the following: given everything involved, I decided this morning that the job was not the right fit.

So yep, a letter of resignation was just e-mailed. After just a week. I know that sounds like an abrupt and possibly foolish decision, but oh believe me, I have my reasons (well beyond how the job would’ve been too).

Keep in mind that while I’ve always been the furthest thing from a company man, my other traditional jobs have all lasted at least a couple years. So it’s not like I usually quit something so soon or “can’t handle a real job” or anything like that. Those reasons for leaving already were not light ones.

Anyway….I knew that it would be very difficult to have a 9 to 5 in this town, but it only took that week to drive home the reality that much more. I don’t have the energy to mix that with the other things I need/want to do here (to work for myself and otherwise).

I will be staying here and going through with a new “career” plan that I hope will last as long as possible. There is also a plan B and the possibility of a plan C to grind out a living in town if need be. And even if none of that works out, I will just find a 9 to 5 somewhere else (and come back out here for good when I retire).

With no regrets.

For now though, you have no idea how right this decision felt. Especially since I was already slipping into more depression, misery, and destructive decisions.

But after sending that resignation letter, the future feels more hopeful. I got the new apartment I wanted and am looking forward to moving in soon. And especially to have the freedom to fix my life in the best ways again.

It’s made me smile more in the last couple hours than I have in a long time.

One more chance

As we speak, I am driving back out to my target city. This time for good.

The second company that I interviewed with recently has hired me. And while the (slightly better) job possibility with the first company is still in play, I wasn’t going to turn down a sure thing.

So, I am now heading out there to plant myself again.

The situation has come together a lot better than I would have guessed (or even deserve). When it comes to how family, finances, location, and opportunity now sit in front of me: while it’s far, far from where things should be (other than the location)…….given all the mistakes I’ve made over the years, it’s pretty much best-case scenario for moving forward.

Because at least I have a better chance to salvage myself some . Maybe not to the extent that I need, but enough to count.

Once I get settled in, I’ll still be in this similar spot though: needing to muster the willpower to improve diet, exercise, financial discipline, and many other parts of life. As mentioned many times in prior entries, it’s a long road since so much of me needs fixed.

Not even going to elaborate much on whether or not I’ll pull it off. Especially since I know that despite how solid this opportunity is, I’m still fighting long odds.

For now, I just want to spend a short time focusing on one thing:

Hope

Florida fail

This afternoon, I will start back north for the time being.

After exhausting all possible areas in the last six weeks, my job search in Florida has completely stalled. A few decent leads had no followup, and I can’t waste more time here hoping that someone will eventually follow through. At least not until I’ve gotten caught up on some tasks back home and taken a little time to reevaluate the next best step.

Personal contacts, job recruiters, Indeed, Linkedin. It hasn’t mattered.

It’s difficult enough for me to handle having a 9 to 5 in general, because of how I never should have been in this position after my successes years ago. But not even being able to find something new this time (given that I now have more traditional work experience in my field and a much better resume for those jobs)…..well, that really makes it tough to move forward.

I may have to sacrifice the hope for a warm climate and just start launching resumes all over this half of the country. See if a needle in a haystack can somehow be uncovered.

But that’s quite a sacrifice for my current situation, because I really need an environment that will allow me to improve the rest of my life too. And that’s much less likely to happen in a frozen tundra. There’s a lot of hard work to be done on myself, and I may not be strong enough to pull it off without the help of a consistently palatable climate.

So it’s back on the road for a couple days. Not the kind of travel I love, either.

The end of a journey. And a troubled one at that.

Caught in between

For the past couple of weeks, I have been way south. Checking out the state that should be my next stop for maybe a couple of years, while I hope to iron out so much of life and get prepared for my final destination as soon as possible.

But this has not been easy.

Though I read many of the books that I’d gotten on trying to improve my willpower, diet, and other demons, I’m not in a spot to apply them until I’m settled in somewhere again. So in the meantime, I continue to make the same destructive mistakes.

Then there’s the job hunt. Not surprisingly, I don’t have too many close personal contacts. And in this covid world, that’s even more vital for finding something white collar. It’s hard enough to stay motivated as it is, much less when you look at a dime-a-dozen posting in your field on Linkedin (that’s only six days old), and see that over 100 people have already applied. With my limited 9 to 5 job work experience, there is no way I can compete with even 5 people per opening, much less over 100.

At this point, I simply don’t know how I will solve that employment dilemma.

So I sit here now as we speak, dreading the thought of going to see an old friend tomorrow for a few days, and having to act all normal ok social, yattada yattada. For everyone else who deals with constant depression, you know what THAT’S like. Especially when you’re in the midst of one of those times where your life issues are even more of an urgent problem than they normally are.

One of those times where you wish you could just hibernate until the world has totally changed. No matter how long it takes.

Or even if it never does.

The ’80s flashback train

All aboard. Travel back in time.

This is probably not the healthiest thing for me to do (since I already live too much in the past). But to try and pass some of the time until I leave the family’s house, which will now be after Christmas, I thought I’d blog about every year of my ’80s childhood here. It’s hard not to reminisce when you’re in the house where you grew up.

1980

All anyone wanted to do was listen to “Funkytown” on the radio. We had just moved a few streets down to a new house, so I was getting used to all the kids there. One of the first things to happen was the girl two doors down charging me a dime to come in her clubhouse.

(living here was gonna be quite expensive for a six year old, eh)……

And that wasn’t my first introduction that year to the upcoming challenges of childhood.

I was in first grade, and my teacher brilliantly came to the conclusion that because I could read, do math, and shoot hoops well, that meant I could do anything right. So whenever I did something wrong or stepped out of line, I was punished like I should do better (I couldn’t) or know better (I didn’t.) Despite the fact that I was not a kid who got in trouble much at all.

Apparently she thought that a six year old with some potential should already know everything about life. Not exactly the hallmark of a wise grade school teaching veteran.

Soooo, I got to know the area behind the “screen” pretty well. This was where you were sent as punishment. Once this even happened after another kid flat-out lied about me running around the room while she was gone. Without even listening to me or believing my side (and one thing I did NOT do back then was lie), there I was behind that damn thing again.

That may have been the first time I thought “what the hell??”. When it came to experiencing how unreasonable people could be, I learned pretty early.

But things would improve. The following year would bring my first crush.

To be continued.

When the past (and current) you cross paths…

Earlier this year, I wrote about something here for the first time: some of my romantic past. That entry introduced the three women in my life who something “more” would be possible with (in a more ideal world, anyway).

And in the last couple days, something has changed. But first, a quick glimpse into the “past” me:

When I was in my 20s, I was way too needy about meeting someone. This was thanks to my late bloomer status (thus wanting to catch up on “girlfriend” time that I’d missed out on during high school and college). But that permanently changed around the time I hit 30. A good thing, right?

Yep, in many respects, it was. But here was the problem: that’s also the time that I became much more empty about life in general. I went from being too needy to being a somewhat emotionless shell.

So while I enjoyed dating during my 30s and early 40s, there was never much “more” behind it. Even with those three women who I had more poignant connections with. It never felt the same as it did during my 20s, when I still had the capacity to feel something meaningful about someone.

Until now.

Something is now different with the person who I experienced movie-like electric and transcendent chemistry with (the night that we met). No, we didn’t hook up, but I think this quote from her sums it up for both of us: “(our kissing) damn near stopped my heart”. And she is so not the type to sound like that.

This is someone who I’ve spent just that one evening with in my life. That was 10 years ago. Since we’ve never lived closeby (and both our lives are usually so messed up), we’ve chatted on and off all that time, but we never managed to get together again since.

But in the last couple days, it’s become different. Things have changed from how it always was (“we know what chemistry we have, but our focus is elsewhere in life”) to our minds being on each other now. I’m not necessarily referring to being together relationshipwise; it doesn’t have THAT kind of more serious ring to it yet. Largely because we both know that we’re not ready to (or may not be able to) ever approach something like that.

Still though….this is the first time that I’ve experienced that “meaningful” factor with anyone since I was in my 20s. We both now sound somewhat smitten and ready to finally meet up again to see what happens.

Not only does it feel strange for that to happen again after all this time, but I have to be careful with it too (especially when it comes to her feelings and emotions about it). My depressive emptiness could still win out here. Since this is uncharted territory for the “me” of the last 15 years, it’s tough to tell how it will go.

Regardless of what happens though, I’m glad to have accessed that part of me again. Even if it’s just for a little while.

Because I thought that piece of me might be gone forever.

Round and round

If you’re not used to the ’80s song titles, then you haven’t seen enough of my recent entries!

The last couple of months have been very trying. Between helping mom out with a bunch of doctor appointments (her physical health is not good right now) and trying to get tons of tasks done before moving on, I have been at the family’s for longer than I expected. And at this point, since I’m the only close family she has left, I’m going to stay for Thanksgiving before looking more seriously for a new location.

That new location will probably end up being due south. I’ve decided that I am not ready to do my target city again yet, and the Covid effects there make it not ready for me either. Planning on spending a year or two trying to improve life in the warmth (and then hopefully it will finally be time for that permanent destination).

Not what I’d planned, and there’s still no way that I want to wait til anywhere near retirement age to settle in there. But I’m ok with being 48 or so for it.

In the meantime, unfortunately it’s still been the typical. I do better, then worse, put away more sportscards, do better, do worse, better , worse, more cards, etc etc. So between the consistent additions and gains in collectibles value this year, my collection’s worth is still quickly growing and continues to function as a safety net for my lack of discipline with my finances (and life) .

I’ve been asked “How are the cards such a safety net? You could just sell them whenever you need to and have that money available, the same as any other $”. Well, here’s why: when I trade or bet, it’s so quick and easy. A few keystrokes, and you’re done. Lightning fast action. But to sell cards easily at the right price, you have to list them on ebay, take pics, package them up, take it to the post office, give up the ebay fees of around 10%, and so on.

And with my constant depression, coming up with the energy to do all that extra stuff just isn’t appealing. Plus, I’ve already developed a sentimental attachment to the cards. They connect me to my past and to my love for sports. So if I sold the cards (especially to fund addictive and destructive behavior), I’d feel even worse about myself than I already do.

Which means that when I buy something for my personal collection, it stays put. And until I fix myself, that’s a good thing.

Speaking of fixing myself: whenever things turn downward, at some point I’ll still think “ok, this time you are DONE acting like this” and plan to immediately find all the books I need to read about willpower, self-control, diet, and so much else.

But then I never do. Which, as always, makes it nearly impossible to improve my situation for the long term. And usually leads to any new upswings collapsing before long.

Maybe living in the sun year-round will finally give me the motivation that I still haven’t mustered. It definitely won’t hurt, anyway.

Wish me luck.

Update on all worlds (my own, travel, and otherwise)

After surviving my near disaster on the interstate not too long ago, I made it to my target city and have been here for the last few weeks. Will leave on Wednesday to head back across the country for the time being (since we still have to learn more about my mom’s health situation this fall) before I decide if I can make the permanent move back here yet.

I am already starting to feel the time pinch though. Both because I can’t stay at the family’s house for very long once I travel back (before going crazy) and with how my resume will show a much more difficult gap if I get into 2021 without a 9 to 5 job but still decide to pursue one.

A lot of difficult decisions in the next few months. But in the meantime, I’ve learned a little more about what my possible choices may be like.

Here’s one thing that people may welcome hearing: during my last month on the road, I’ve noticed that people are still travelling and they are still out spending money. All the way across the country and even in my target city, which is very tourist-based. If it weren’t for masks and limited capacities at establishments, you wouldn’t even know that anything was different about the current world.

That’s the good news. But the bad news (for this city) is that I don’t know if the normal flow of people will be enough. Small businesses are still suffering some. Especially the (still not open) bars, which are the backbone of many locals areas. And if that doesn’t change soon, it’s bound to have a longer-term deep effect on the economy and job market of this area. Even with things bustling here, it feels like finding a 9 to 5 would be a big uphill battle at the moment, and that the advantage gambling possibilities might be too tight to count on for me.

So, moving back here now would still be a noticeable risk. Which is what I expected to still find on this prep visit. But then, when has that stopped me?

It hasn’t been easy being here so long on my own though. Even for a loner like myself. But I think I’ll save that for my next entry.

Anyway…..wish me luck on the return trip back.

(Or at least a lack of nearby explosions along the way this time)

Cherish the life we live?

Yes, this time I quoted Kool & the Gang.

You know how people talk about having their life flash before their eyes and surviving some sort of brush with death? And all the feel good stories about how it made them appreciate things that much more afterward?

In the last few days, I’ve learned that it doesn’t necessarily work that way.

During my road trip across the country in the last week, I was driving on the interstate in Texas (about 40 miles away from much civilization) when a bolt of lightning hit just in front of my car. It looked like an orange explosion from a movie scene. And it instantly caused all of my car’s electronics to go haywire and made it very difficult to maintain enough power to keep driving.

Not only did I keep control of the car, but I also made it to the nearest city in my poor crippled vehicle. Every time I had to floor it to get new acceleration, it could barely do much but managed to respond without dying. So I was very fortunate to avoid a catastrophic wreck.

Between this near disaster and all of the poor decisions that I’ve made in my depressed life mess in the last couple decades, you’d think that this would make me take a deep breath and re-evaluate how lucky I am to still be here. Especially in one piece.

But that hasn’t happened.

I knew how empty I’ve felt for all these years, but my reaction to this just makes it hit home that much more. If your life flashing before your eyes doesn’t make you care enough to jolt (heh, pun) some energy into you, then I don’t know what will.

Combine that with how I continue to do worse and worse in general as this year goes on, and things feel that much more dire. I’m not even looking forward to getting back to my target city at the moment, because it seems like nothing I can do there will be enough to dig me out of my situation.

Anyway….I hope to be back on the road by Friday with a rental car. There’s no point in turning back now.

I guess if someone takes anything from this, it’s the following: don’t expect some random, scary event to somehow make your depression or other life issues ok. Just another spot where the real world does not end up like an ideal storybook path.

If you do want things do improve, you’re probably gonna have to do it the hard way and put in the lengthy groundwork to change your habits from square one.