Tag: conflict

Conflicted

As I continue with the same struggles that have haunted me for so many years, it’s become even more clear that the imbalances of my life have led to me becoming conflicted with so many this-or-that choices.

And that just stretches the current mid-life crisis further and further as I go.

For a lot of people my age, these life paths have been mostly defined by this time. At this point you have a family, a house, and a (at least somewhat steady) career. Your life has purpose and the future is pretty well defined: the kids are growing up and every day involves managing all these different parts of your existence. Before you know it, they’ll leave the nest. And it may be time for one of your parents to move in, etc etc.

And you know the drill from there. Becoming grandparents, retiring, and eventually fading off into the sunset together (or with your kids taking care of you during those golden years).

But is any of that part of my present or future? Those who have read many of these entries know the answer to that.

Here, there is nothing but present (and likely future) conflict:

  • Do I focus more on taking care of my mother or taking care of myself? We are so different that I can’t do both. And this always has a large impact on what geographic location I’m living in, which is a big factor to me.

  • Do I accept how disconcerted I feel about my present and future (and how that leads to me finding elusive happiness and tranquility in thinking about the past too much)? Or do I release that pleasant crutch and battle harder to find more to live for in present (like those “normal” people I described about with full lives). Which would probably be better for my chances of repairing my future, but also deprive me of one of the few current joys I have in life?
  • Am I really ready to stay here in my target city at the moment, or is it necessary to wait until either retirement age or until I’ve somehow gotten past enough of my demons?

And then, maybe the most important one:

  • Can I accept my prior and current failures enough to go down the best path for possible future success?

As you can imagine, it’d be enough of a challenge just to solve one of these problems. Much less all of them being front and center at the same time.

The struggle is real.