Tag: covid

Update on all worlds (my own, travel, and otherwise)

After surviving my near disaster on the interstate not too long ago, I made it to my target city and have been here for the last few weeks. Will leave on Wednesday to head back across the country for the time being (since we still have to learn more about my mom’s health situation this fall) before I decide if I can make the permanent move back here yet.

I am already starting to feel the time pinch though. Both because I can’t stay at the family’s house for very long once I travel back (before going crazy) and with how my resume will show a much more difficult gap if I get into 2021 without a 9 to 5 job but still decide to pursue one.

A lot of difficult decisions in the next few months. But in the meantime, I’ve learned a little more about what my possible choices may be like.

Here’s one thing that people may welcome hearing: during my last month on the road, I’ve noticed that people are still travelling and they are still out spending money. All the way across the country and even in my target city, which is very tourist-based. If it weren’t for masks and limited capacities at establishments, you wouldn’t even know that anything was different about the current world.

That’s the good news. But the bad news (for this city) is that I don’t know if the normal flow of people will be enough. Small businesses are still suffering some. Especially the (still not open) bars, which are the backbone of many locals areas. And if that doesn’t change soon, it’s bound to have a longer-term deep effect on the economy and job market of this area. Even with things bustling here, it feels like finding a 9 to 5 would be a big uphill battle at the moment, and that the advantage gambling possibilities might be too tight to count on for me.

So, moving back here now would still be a noticeable risk. Which is what I expected to still find on this prep visit. But then, when has that stopped me?

It hasn’t been easy being here so long on my own though. Even for a loner like myself. But I think I’ll save that for my next entry.

Anyway…..wish me luck on the return trip back.

(Or at least a lack of nearby explosions along the way this time)

Living with regret. But what about dying with it?

I recently wrote about how the “new” world we live in had taken my mind down an uncomfortable path that just wasn’t usually me. A little while ago, that continued to happen.

After a bad dream just now (one that was like my norm in some ways, but had a couple new twists to it), I woke up thinking a lot more about mortality than I usually would. But it’s not from a fear of dying from COVID; it mostly stems from seeing all the pictures and stories about it lately, and wondering if something very grim could be happening for the world’s near and distant future.

As I’ve mentioned too often in the past, I have been living with enough regret to fill a novel. And how the doubt that I’ll ever conquer the issues that caused that regret (combined with how I’m just not the type that can easily let the past go, especially while my current life is such a disappointment) means that I could easily be taking a ton of baggage to my grave.

I can’t imagine what it would be like to feel that way. On your deathbed, alone. Being unable to shake the thought that your life, which was always an emotional struggle during the best times anyway, peaked in your early 30s. And after that, failure overtook most things from that point on.

That you let SO much potential go to waste before long. If I listed what I’ve accomplished in my life at some point…..from sports to academics to career…..you wouldn’t even believe it was the same person who writes this blog today.

But that despite those strengths and abilities, you weren’t strong enough to battle through the bad habits, the weakness, the unhappiness, and so many other demons. That too often, you barely even made a dent in those. Despite having a very long time to find a way to.

And that in the end, the world got the best of you.