Tag: depression

Does blogging or vlogging about your issues help to conquer them?

Four years ago, I started this blog with the hope that writing about my issues might finally provide the needed energy and focus to better myself. And during that time, I’ve loosely followed some other people’s blogs and vlogs who were trying to accomplish something similar.

So by now, the obvious question: is it helping?

The answer to that is not a good one. Nor for myself or any of the others that I’ve read about.

The main reason appears to be this: we just continue rehashing all the details and possible solutions for those issues (instead of actually DOING much about it).

And I guess that’s not really too surprising, since the atmosphere for writing and solitary vlogging lends itself to unhealthy, cooped-up isolation. Even with those who have a huge following and get all kinds of support in their comments, it just doesn’t matter much. Its main useful function appears to be solely as a possibly needed outlet to dump your troubles.

Why? Because reading or writing any amount of words doesn’t provide the necessary energy and focus that moving around, getting out there, and in-person camaraderie does.

Does this mean that I’ll stop making entries? I’m not sure. But it does mean that I’ve pretty much shut the door on the thought of them ever helping me.

*Insert 100 party face emojis about life*

“Are you excited?”

I was asked this (thankfully along with a couple other people) by the boss at my new job a few weeks ago.

A question that a depressed person never wants to hear.

Especially in that atmosphere. You then think: do you really want to know my answer to this?

Not like it was her fault. As mentioned in my last entry, no one there knows about my troubles. And even if they did, it’s understandable that she wants her team to be emotionally invested there. Especially since they want to build the department’s future around us.

But that enthusiastic “yes” ain’t happening. As any person in my boat knows, there isn’t much of anything in your life that could get that reply.

And as someone who is the furthest thing from a 9 to 5 worker, I’m that much further removed from caring. At some point, that might show. You’ll see most people at my level there (almost management) or above sometimes sport the company collared shirt. So eventually, it may be noticed that I never do.

Or that I don’t even own one. Or never will, unless my job would somehow depend on it for a function or whatever. Even the thought of putting one of those on makes me smirk derisively.

At this point, I probably sound like a terrible employee. Not the case, though. I will do what you ask me to, and do it accurately and efficiently. I won’t call off or cause issues with others. And even though I may be more apt to stretch my lunch a little or sneak in some personal time on my phone, you’ll still be able to count on me to be prepared for whatever comes my way in the office.

But is that cause I’m a company person and invested in how the organization does? No. It’s because it’s the right thing to do. If you pay me a good salary for my position and treat me well, you deserve that value in return.

Just don’t expect me to be “excited” about it.

The day that things permanently changed (and depression first won)

I’ve written about some of my athletic past. And about the accomplishment of winning the student tennis tournament during my senior year at my university.

But I never mentioned what happened after that. Until now, it never hit me about the underlying significance of my next tournament match.

The following fall, I was still enrolled and taking a few post-graduation classes. Those classes were not going well, because I did not want to still be there (but still hadn’t started a job). That was what I wrote off my unusual academic decline there to.

Turns out there was much more to it than that.

It was also time for next year’s tennis competition, so of course I signed up to defend my title. Was never the type to focus a ton on “repeating” accomplishments, but naturally I still expected to have my head in the game.

Because I always did. Well, had.

My first match was against a freshman who came out very nervous. I could tell he had some skills, but he was missing shots everywhere and I coasted to an easy first set (in the best of three).

But then in the second set, things unexpectedly started to change. He found his game, and I just wasn’t as sharp as I normally was. Which led to him evening up the match and forcing a deciding third set.

This did not phase me in the least, though. It was standard for me to occasionally drop one of the first two sets to someone I should beat. And when that happened, I’d go into the final set without even a thought of losing the match. Because my focus might slack some here and there, but over the course of three long sets, I was just too consistent for you to beat me (unless you were simply better). And while this dude was no slouch, I had endless experience getting the best of players just like him.

Again…..for the first time, that day was different.

My usual perseverance was not happening, and it wasn’t until I was in deep trouble late in that third set (when the realization hit me that, contrary to everything I was used to, I did not have enough to win this match that I should’ve). And I didn’t.

I left the court befuddled. Obviously everyone is going to have a surprising loss occasionally, but there was more to it. Something felt so off. Which is why I will always remember that match.

At the time, I just attributed it to the aforementioned lack of motivation and everything else during that fall that was a little off track with my focus and otherwise. But I never realized the true reason until now:

Depression was starting to take me over. And I was only 22.

That ended up being about the last competitive sports I ever played (at least that I cared much about, anyway). Before long, I moved to a bigger city to start my first job, became mostly a hermit, and let that depression have its way even more.

Just like it has ever since.

Funny thing is that now, the court that I lost my competitive edge on that evening (about 26 years ago) is just a few miles down the road from where I live.

If only I could get it back.

Broken, part two

It’s been six weeks now since I started the latest phase of things.

The new job isn’t bad. At first it was a struggle to get my mind caught up to anywhere near the level of knowledge necessary (as I simply didn’t have the experience that was expected for this position). But I’m getting acclimated faster than those problems show, and the department has seemed focused since I started on building things for the future around us. The thought of me, or anyone else on the team, not being the right choice is the furthest thing from their mind.

So chances are I’ll be alright there going forward. And during that time, I’ve also found that there are better opportunities to make back some of my lost success too. At least in the short term. And while my financial situation isn’t close to where it should be, I still have the available capital to take advantage of those opportunities.

It wouldn’t nearly cover all the damage I’ve done over the last 15 years, but at least it’d be a start. And enough to matter.

Why the title of this entry then? Because of the latest setback. And this one hurt more than most. Here’s why.

In addition to the other positive factors just mentioned, I’d also tried to focus much more on eliminating a main trigger that causes my bouts of destructive behavior. And at first, there seemed to be improvement. Because the first couple times I had the frustrations that lead to such behavior, I’d been able to cut off the damage faster than I normally would.

At least it’s a first step, I thought. And hoped that I could continue that trend until I eliminated the behavior permanently, especially since I now had the necessary psychological frame of mind of realistic hope to significantly rebuild in the long run.

So for the first time in my adult life, it seemed like I might really have a chance to beat my main demon. Which would finally mean the highly elusive (and very questionable) goal of feeling good about myself and being successful again.

But then about a week ago, it happened again. When it didn’t need to. Out of the blue, you just don’t have the discipline this time to hold on. And the same degeneracy happens.

And as mentioned, this time it hurt that much more. Cause for once, I really thought: maybe I’m finally in a position to turn the corner and beat this.

Not to be.

Luckily it didn’t destroy my chances to pursue things going forward (naturally a big dent, but not a crushing blow). But it’s much more about what it signifies:

That I’m still not strong enough. And if I’m not now (with more going for my chances), then will I ever be?

Since then, I’ve spent the last week holding on. While a further collapse hasn’t happened yet, unfortunately it still feels like I’m stuck back in the same hopeless frame of mind about my discipline.

What next? I really don’t know. Just have to show up every day at the office Monday through Friday and act like nothing’s wrong. Everyone at work has no idea about my struggles.

If they only knew.

Broken

I have to be up in about 5 1/2 hours. Why? Will get to that in a second.

At the moment, it’s 1:20 AM. And my normal hours are way too warped to adjust to being up early in the morning yet. So before a new stage of life starts then, I’m just listening to music and rehashing the same thought in my mind that’s been stuck there all week:

I think I am broken for good.

Have written endlessly about why over the last few years (so not going to repeat the many reasons again). And during those years, I’ve gone back and forth about having hope and wondering if I could fix much of what’s wrong with me.

But for the first time lately, it’s like I’m relegated to the fact that it’s not possible to.

And that comes at a time when, speaking of hope, you’d think there’d be a little more. Because tomorrow morning, I start a new 9 to 5 job. Even though that’s not what I want for my life, the offer was too good to turn down.

Basically I’m jumping back into what I’ve done occasionally in my past “traditional” career field at a spot where most people would already have put in 20+ years of relentless grind. It almost seems unfair to them.

What can I say, though. Despite all of my demons, I’m quite good at selling myself and knowing how to handle various situations. And my skill level in some areas is very high. So this job opportunity didn’t happen by chance.

I’m sure it seems like that’s bound to help my life in some ways. And sure, it will. But “help” is the key word here. Sometimes any help won’t be enough to get to the bottom of needed fixes.

Which is what I’m expecting to happen. I should be able to make this work (from a supporting myself standpoint).

But when it comes to ever turning the corner on life overall? As mentioned, I just don’t think the necessary fixes exist. Can only hope that I’m proven wrong someday.

And if I am, before it’s too late to take advantage.

I don’t wanna go to sleep….

I don’t wanna go to sleep. I wanna stay up all night. I wanna just screw around.

I don’t wanna think about what’s gonna be after this. I wanna just live right now.

(Yes, this 48 year old man just quoted Kesha).

Have never talked much about music here. And when I have, it’s usually about something from the ’80s. But my tastes are a lot more diverse than that.

Especially when it comes to those occasional songs that you both love the beat AND hit you hard for a personal reason at the same time.

Enter “C’Mon” from Kesha.

Always loved how infectious that tune was. But as this midlife crisis widens more and more, the message of the song reaches the core of me too. Not because of some deep philosophical meaning; obviously a dance track from the 2010s isn’t likely to be about that eh. Sometimes the simple things mean the most though.

And that’s the case here. Its message is summed up in the lyrics above.

Enjoy your youth. Live in the moment. Make the most of those times. And when the opportunities come to experience that one-of-a-kind passionate young energy with others…..if you’re in the mood, then take advantage.

Because at this stage in life, I’d give anything to be in my 20s or 30s again. To have that spark and energy. And give someone that look that says (as I quote her once more):

Let’s go for it just for tonight.

Self-control, willpower, and addictions

This topic has been tugging back and forth at me for ages now, but lately it’s been right at the forefront (as I try to decide what’s best for my future).

On one side, you have those like my grandmother. She smoked for about 50 years, and then just decided to quit cold turkey when she was about 70 years old (and managed to pull if off until she passed away at 88). Watched it happen myself since I remember her smoking around me until I was about ten, and then never again. Self-control and willpower win decidedly.

Then on the other side, you have the theories like the Anonymous meetings are based on. Where everyone is supposed to admit that they are powerless over their addictions (and it’s not possible to fight them), so you need to submit to a “higher power” that you’re too weak to ever handle your behavior. Self-control and willpower lose decidedly.

And finally, there’s the somewhat middle ground. The research done on this subject that shows how limited human beings are (when it comes to battling these struggles), but that it’s possible to improve your self-control by training your mind to be more focused on making the right choices. Especially when it comes to meditation. Self-control and willpower neither win or lose decidedly.

So as you can imagine, all of this makes it difficult to get a feel on what’s realistically possible for my own battles here. At times I feel like I can’t give up and permanently admit being so helplessly weak (and the lifetime failure that would secure), but other times it seems like that’s the only way to keep from destroying myself and my family financially. Especially with as accelerated as the decline has been lately.

I know that when most people are in these spots, the better choice was to take the give-it-up route. But if my grandmother could manage to control and get the best of her addiction, especially at that age, then isn’t there a chance that I could too?

The main risk is that if I try to do so…..and don’t……the irreversible damage that will be caused. And the main risk of NOT doing so is that I will never feel good about myself again. Sure people say that there are other ways to redeem yourself or make life worth living, but it’s just tough to see that happening in my particular situation.

I wish I had some support out there to help me keep on track with a healthy compromise. Where I try to get the most of my demons, but still move forward some in the ways that allow me to make some income and enjoy the things that I used to make a living doing.

But I don’t know if that exists. As I’ve discussed many times, I don’t keep people very close in my life. And communities like GA just preach to stop completely. Which I totally understand, but the difference is that there are no positives that come from their members gambling. While in my case, it’s how I often made my living. And could do so again, at least on a limited basis, if I could ever permanently control my leaks and bad habits with it.

IF. The million dollar question.

I’ve decided that I’m going to try to make, for the first time, a genuinely concerted effort to make that happen though. To make the best of my current spot, and do as well as I can with my current limited resources and opportunities. Filter out all the bad while only acting on the good.

Is that possible? As discussed at the beginning here, that simply isn’t clear.

But I need to find out.

A very short story: the worst trader in the history of the universe

“You are the worst trader in the history of the universe.”

He finds himself repeating this phrase again. A habit that he’s known all too well for a number of years now.

It wasn’t always this way. Far from it. During his 20s, he’d made a very nice living for himself trading in the stock market. But that seems like ages ago. And it was before his problematic tendencies got the best of him.

The phrase isn’t even that true. He knows that his main achilles heel is needing too much action. Not focusing on just his very best ideas, and putting too much faith (and money) in his secondary opinions that clearly aren’t as accurate.

But too often, that doesn’t stop him.

This time, one of those lesser quality ideas led to buying some call options (needing the market to go up) on Tuesday that expire at the end of the week. Options are basically the crack of the financial markets for degenerates, so he often gravitates to them.

From the very beginning, as is often the case if you don’t time option trades like these very well, it’s an uphill battle. The market ends up having a resilient Wednesday and closing a little higher. So even though there are only two days left for things to go as high as he needs, the options haven’t lost too much value yet.

Still hope. That’s all that seems to matter…..right?

But then the next morning….some economic news comes out that causes stocks to open a good bit lower. Just like that, the trade is almost dead in the water (unless there’s a quick, big reversal). He’s not expecting that to happen though, so his options will likely be worth pennies on the dollar for the rest of the day.

There’s no blaming that news report for “bad luck”. That’s something he never does, because luck evens out in the long run.

What he does curse is his decision. The lack of discipline and patience to wait for only the best spots. The relentless punishment that often endures otherwise.

Nothing left to do but hear that same resounding thought in his head again. Regardless of how true it is, it sure seems that way sometimes:

“You are the worst trader in the history of the universe”

Finding a new path

As I’m at this stage of needing to turn the corner in so many parts of life, I’m reminded of the journeys that I’ve seen other people take in such a situation.

The common main theme that I’ve noticed is this: whenever someone appears to actually accomplish a much newer, healthier path in life, they really had to put most of their mind, body, and focus into it. To the point of obsession, you might say.

But hey…..no one recovering from years of sunken-in addictive behaviors is going to be able to move forward without having their share of issues. So if getting too intense about something healthier (as a replacement “issue”) is what’s necessary for things to work, more power to them.

There’s one specific example of such a transformation who I’ve read a lot about lately. He was actually my mother’s former doctor, and his early and mid-life path was similar to mine. Someone with the talent and, back in his 20s, the opportunity to make a great life and success out of himself.

And who did so for a number of years. But then threw it all away from his depression-based addictive and degenerate behavior. And ended up hitting rock bottom in his 40s with few ways to turn things around (just like me now). Before he found his calling for the future, that is.

You might be thinking: well, why wouldn’t I use that as a guide for my own upcoming journey? Seems simple enough eh?

The answer is that his (and most others’) severe lifestyle changes in these spots are based on religion. Usually in a “giving yourself to christ” kind of way.

And that’s just not something that I believe in.

Obviously you can’t force yourself to be something you’re not. Though sometimes I wish I could. Especially since it would give me a lot more support in my battles (from that former doctor if I need it, among others).

So, it looks like if there’s a path to a better life in my case, I’ll have to clear it myself. As I’ve said in the past, I’m well used to that.

Gotta admit though……it makes me a bit envious of Dr. Z. Even though I could never see eye to eye with him on how, he eventually found a way to move forward and make the most of his future.

While it remains to be seen if I can do the same

Keeping the hope alive

In a recent entry, I mentioned how I was considering giving up trading and any gambling (even advantage gambling) for the first time in order to possibly save myself from losing everything down the road. Though that would also leave me with no hope of ever redeeming myself and permanently feeling like a life failure.

But since neither of those simple “yes” or “no” choices was likely to leave me with an existence worth living, I’ve decided that a compromise is the best option. Instead, I’m going to stop those activities…..but just for the time being. And immerse myself completely in every way possible to try fixing or taming all of my demons.

How long will that take? It could be six months. Six years. Or even never.

Then if that does happen, I’ll resume trying to recover my past success then. And even if the opportunities to do so still aren’t what they need to be at the time (an issue I’ve discussed before), I’ll just have to hope that they do eventually improve before it’s too late.

Yep, plenty of “if”s here. But that’s the best that can be done at the moment. And I’ve decided that it’s my only choice.

Because when it comes to the hope of ever feeling good about myself again, I can’t throw in the towel completely. Regardless of the risks.

Ever