Tag: work

Happiness in mediocrity and the curse of lost success

Next to me at work is a woman in her early 60s and about to retire permanently.

She is, by most accounts, the typical decent person. Friendly, kind of a tomboy, involved in a serious relationship, has a well-rounded overall life, and with job duties similar to mine.

Most people wouldn’t think much of that (because it sounds so ordinary). I, on the other hand, see her as someone who stands out more than most.

Why? Because she seems genuinely happy and content with herself and her life. I can hear it in her voice during the occasional business related phone calls that we have there.

And I admit that it makes me envious.

Here is someone who’s never done anything that would be considered extraordinary by more materialistic standards. Yet her life is the emotionally healthy one that most wish they could have.

I imagine that a main part of that contentedness is that she’s accomplished about all that she ever hoped to. And that’s where I think her life deviates the most from mine: while my potential likely has a higher ceiling than hers…..I, on the other hand, have failed so badly to hold on to my own accomplishments (or to ever get close to that stage again after all these years.)

Up until now, when it comes to “is it better to have loved and lost than never loved at all” dilemma, I was always on the loved and lost side. But at this point, I’m not so sure.

Because at the moment, I know I’d be much better off if I didn’t want to live up to my past standards again. Especially since I’m the depressive type.

When you’re not emotionally healthy enough to handle losing your success, then it may be best just to never succeed much at all. And I so wish that wasn’t the case.

But I’m a living example of it.

“Are you excited?”

I was asked this (thankfully along with a couple other people) by the boss at my new job a few weeks ago.

A question that a depressed person never wants to hear.

Especially in that atmosphere. You then think: do you really want to know my answer to this?

Not like it was her fault. As mentioned in my last entry, no one there knows about my troubles. And even if they did, it’s understandable that she wants her team to be emotionally invested there. Especially since they want to build the department’s future around us.

But that enthusiastic “yes” ain’t happening. As any person in my boat knows, there isn’t much of anything in your life that could get that reply.

And as someone who is the furthest thing from a 9 to 5 worker, I’m that much further removed from caring. At some point, that might show. You’ll see most people at my level there (almost management) or above sometimes sport the company collared shirt. So eventually, it may be noticed that I never do.

Or that I don’t even own one. Or never will, unless my job would somehow depend on it for a function or whatever. Even the thought of putting one of those on makes me smirk derisively.

At this point, I probably sound like a terrible employee. Not the case, though. I will do what you ask me to, and do it accurately and efficiently. I won’t call off or cause issues with others. And even though I may be more apt to stretch my lunch a little or sneak in some personal time on my phone, you’ll still be able to count on me to be prepared for whatever comes my way in the office.

But is that cause I’m a company person and invested in how the organization does? No. It’s because it’s the right thing to do. If you pay me a good salary for my position and treat me well, you deserve that value in return.

Just don’t expect me to be “excited” about it.

Letting go of the past

Yep I’ve talked some about this before, but it needs its own entry.

Awhile back, I was talking with a good friend about solving some of my issues. He reminded me that even though I’ve always been a finance guy, I’m not the type who lives for material things. And we mentioned that the most important thing to me is having my own freedom (especially with work).

Or so we thought.

As I’ve entered into this latest stage of life, it’s become even more obvious that there’s something else that I’m still treating as a clearly higher priority. And it’s not good:

Trying to completely get back the success I used to have, and as quickly as possible.

My actions lately are the proof in the pudding. Here I am, finally back in the location I want to be and with the chance to have that freedom again (at least for now). But unfortunately, the main driving force for those actions has still been a fairly quick cure for the pain of lost success. And that simply won’t work, because it’s impossible to achieve that again for a long time (if ever) in my current situation without taking huge risks that will likely lead to more self-destruction and the loss of my career freedom again.

And given how I’m now more hell-bent than ever about never having a 9 to 5 job again, there’s a lot more at stake in getting things right this time.

So why is this still happening? I simply cannot let go of the past, especially when it comes to that topic. The need to make the most of my future (and even the freedoms that can come along with that) pales in comparison to getting back what I’ve lost.

And I’m not sure how to get past it. Pun.

There’s a lot of dime store advice out there about this, but much of it is the typical obvious stuff that you can’t make yourself do when you stay stuck in the emotional and psychological webs that people like me do. “Focus on the future”. Well, no shit. A lot easier said than done for some of us.

It’s making me want to look into meditation type exercises that much more, because I just haven’t been strong enough for my conscious mind to have the willpower necessary for the best choices (not just for things like focusing on the future, but in general). So while I’m the furthest thing from an expert on the subject, I’m wondering if it might train your body and mind to improve from a more subconscious state instead.

Is that even possible?

I hope so, because I’m running out of time (and options) to start turning things around

Boiling point

The last two weeks had already not gone well. As I wrote about recently, the quality of my trading/betting was still full of the same holes (and things had started to slip back). In addition to that, I haven’t found any of the willpower necessary to start fresh in my new place and move toward improving the other parts of life either.

Needless to say, I was already on edge some. Then today happened, and I’m fighting the urge to completely tilt.

Put myself into a difficult spot on a trade that I didn’t need to have. Which led to me bailing on it about an hour too early (and just before the stock market turned in my direction). Turning what could’ve been a very good day into another bad one.

It’s fine when you’re wrong about a situation, cause obviously that will happen sometimes. But when you were very right about the market’s direction and still get stung b/c of how you handled things, that is a BIG problem.

Especially when there’s this: while I’ve written plenty about my attempts to recover from past career/life failures….even though it’s often done with plenty of urgency, that’s been taken to a whole new level this time.

Why? First, because I’m finally back in the place where I have a chance to be happy. If I can’t make life work here now, my chances of ever doing so before I’m too old to enjoy it go way down.

And second: for many years now, whenever I had a new setback with trying to work on my own, getting a 9 to 5 again felt like it was always there as an option (albeit one that I did not prefer at all). But this time, and especially in this city, I don’t want to settle for that anymore.

Between my last experience where I was hired early last month (and I subsequently left) and how I’ll have a much better basis about feeling better about myself if I have my career freedom permanently again, I’ve turned much more against getting a traditional job ever again.

Naturally that means that I have to make things work out now. I know that urgency seems like quite a stressful way to go about it, but oh well. Things have never improved without the urgency either, so I’m not making my situation worse by feeling that way.

So I’m trying to take a very deep breath after moving on. Forget about this recent slide and how awfully it accelerated today, and start fresh moving forward. But unfortunately, that’s never been my way.

It’s like trying to catch a falling knife.

And I’ve never been able to find the handle to.

One more chance

As we speak, I am driving back out to my target city. This time for good.

The second company that I interviewed with recently has hired me. And while the (slightly better) job possibility with the first company is still in play, I wasn’t going to turn down a sure thing.

So, I am now heading out there to plant myself again.

The situation has come together a lot better than I would have guessed (or even deserve). When it comes to how family, finances, location, and opportunity now sit in front of me: while it’s far, far from where things should be (other than the location)…….given all the mistakes I’ve made over the years, it’s pretty much best-case scenario for moving forward.

Because at least I have a better chance to salvage myself some . Maybe not to the extent that I need, but enough to count.

Once I get settled in, I’ll still be in this similar spot though: needing to muster the willpower to improve diet, exercise, financial discipline, and many other parts of life. As mentioned many times in prior entries, it’s a long road since so much of me needs fixed.

Not even going to elaborate much on whether or not I’ll pull it off. Especially since I know that despite how solid this opportunity is, I’m still fighting long odds.

For now, I just want to spend a short time focusing on one thing:

Hope

Florida fail

This afternoon, I will start back north for the time being.

After exhausting all possible areas in the last six weeks, my job search in Florida has completely stalled. A few decent leads had no followup, and I can’t waste more time here hoping that someone will eventually follow through. At least not until I’ve gotten caught up on some tasks back home and taken a little time to reevaluate the next best step.

Personal contacts, job recruiters, Indeed, Linkedin. It hasn’t mattered.

It’s difficult enough for me to handle having a 9 to 5 in general, because of how I never should have been in this position after my successes years ago. But not even being able to find something new this time (given that I now have more traditional work experience in my field and a much better resume for those jobs)…..well, that really makes it tough to move forward.

I may have to sacrifice the hope for a warm climate and just start launching resumes all over this half of the country. See if a needle in a haystack can somehow be uncovered.

But that’s quite a sacrifice for my current situation, because I really need an environment that will allow me to improve the rest of my life too. And that’s much less likely to happen in a frozen tundra. There’s a lot of hard work to be done on myself, and I may not be strong enough to pull it off without the help of a consistently palatable climate.

So it’s back on the road for a couple days. Not the kind of travel I love, either.

The end of a journey. And a troubled one at that.