Tag: failure

Taking a new step

As this year winds down (and my degenerate habits still have me on a completely self-destructive path), I took a step today to stop the bleeding for now. Further action than I’ve ever done:

I restricted access from all the sites that facilitate my poor choices for a full year. Prior to this, the only time I’d ever done anything like that was with one site about a year and a half ago. But that still left me with way too many outlets. And now, that’s not the case anymore.

This was not easy to do. Not as much because of how it’ll take away my problem activities. Sure I’ll miss it, but I’m not the type that will go jonesing for action and have some horrible withdrawals. The main reason is because when it comes to this battle…..I hate the idea of using any avoidance techniques (rather than being able to tackle my issues head on and hopefully increase my willpower).

But at the moment, I needed a change more than ever. One that might get me to finally focus a lot more on making necessary life changes. And it’s not like I’m giving up on ever improving myself. Because if I do find a way to turn the corner on some of my demons in the next year, then come next holiday season, it’ll be time to see if I can handle risking money the right way again.

One full year. To try and do this without the looming cloud over my head of often further destroying myself and my family financially.

Don’t know how I’ll react. Because for better and worse, these activities have been part of my life for the last 35 years. Ever since I got back into sportscards in high school and occasionally bought a pack of old cards w/ the hope of hitting something big. I’ve had some prolonged breaks before, but this will still be different (because those were simply because I didn’t have the money for awhile). Cutting yourself off entirely from the activity (no matter what) just isn’t the same.

As usual, I’ll update how it’s going here whenever the mood strikes. It’s going to be an exhausting year, and my list of things that need fixed is as long as ever. Pretty much everything about life (from health to career). And given my track record, the odds may not be too good. But then, that’s why I made this change. To at least see if I end up giving it a different shot.

We’ll see who I am as of December 13, 2025.

Living with lost hope: the early returns

Been about a month since I resigned myself to the fact that I’ll probably never fix most of my major issues or experience happiness again.

And I wasn’t sure how I’d react to that. Would the depression become even more difficult to manage? What major changes would I feel daily? So far, the best way to describe it is this:

It’s like I’ve been diagnosed with a terminal illness (and have already accepted my fate). But without the timetable of dying any sooner.

I know that doesn’t make much sense. But that’s how it is.

This has both some good and bad. The good is that I feel a little more at peace. Not much, mind you. But every little bit helps. At least I don’t feel any more unstable. And it relieves you of the pressure to try and fix yourself.

Actually, that last one could be bad instead. Oh well.

On the downside, you feel that much more empty and hopeless. Which dents the motivation to do the more necessary self-improvement aspects of life that much more. Pretty much the last thing I need, but an unavoidable result.

So, we’ll see how this continues to go. I doubt any big changes will happen anytime soon, but you never know.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to float through existence for now.

Happiness in mediocrity and the curse of lost success

Next to me at work is a woman in her early 60s and about to retire permanently.

She is, by most accounts, the typical decent person. Friendly, kind of a tomboy, involved in a serious relationship, has a well-rounded overall life, and with job duties similar to mine.

Most people wouldn’t think much of that (because it sounds so ordinary). I, on the other hand, see her as someone who stands out more than most.

Why? Because she seems genuinely happy and content with herself and her life. I can hear it in her voice during the occasional business related phone calls that we have there.

And I admit that it makes me envious.

Here is someone who’s never done anything that would be considered extraordinary by more materialistic standards. Yet her life is the emotionally healthy one that most wish they could have.

I imagine that a main part of that contentedness is that she’s accomplished about all that she ever hoped to. And that’s where I think her life deviates the most from mine: while my potential likely has a higher ceiling than hers…..I, on the other hand, have failed so badly to hold on to my own accomplishments (or to ever get close to that stage again after all these years.)

Up until now, when it comes to “is it better to have loved and lost than never loved at all” dilemma, I was always on the loved and lost side. But at this point, I’m not so sure.

Because at the moment, I know I’d be much better off if I didn’t want to live up to my past standards again. Especially since I’m the depressive type.

When you’re not emotionally healthy enough to handle losing your success, then it may be best just to never succeed much at all. And I so wish that wasn’t the case.

But I’m a living example of it.

A very short story: the worst trader in the history of the universe

“You are the worst trader in the history of the universe.”

He finds himself repeating this phrase again. A habit that he’s known all too well for a number of years now.

It wasn’t always this way. Far from it. During his 20s, he’d made a very nice living for himself trading in the stock market. But that seems like ages ago. And it was before his problematic tendencies got the best of him.

The phrase isn’t even that true. He knows that his main achilles heel is needing too much action. Not focusing on just his very best ideas, and putting too much faith (and money) in his secondary opinions that clearly aren’t as accurate.

But too often, that doesn’t stop him.

This time, one of those lesser quality ideas led to buying some call options (needing the market to go up) on Tuesday that expire at the end of the week. Options are basically the crack of the financial markets for degenerates, so he often gravitates to them.

From the very beginning, as is often the case if you don’t time option trades like these very well, it’s an uphill battle. The market ends up having a resilient Wednesday and closing a little higher. So even though there are only two days left for things to go as high as he needs, the options haven’t lost too much value yet.

Still hope. That’s all that seems to matter…..right?

But then the next morning….some economic news comes out that causes stocks to open a good bit lower. Just like that, the trade is almost dead in the water (unless there’s a quick, big reversal). He’s not expecting that to happen though, so his options will likely be worth pennies on the dollar for the rest of the day.

There’s no blaming that news report for “bad luck”. That’s something he never does, because luck evens out in the long run.

What he does curse is his decision. The lack of discipline and patience to wait for only the best spots. The relentless punishment that often endures otherwise.

Nothing left to do but hear that same resounding thought in his head again. Regardless of how true it is, it sure seems that way sometimes:

“You are the worst trader in the history of the universe”

Finding a new path

As I’m at this stage of needing to turn the corner in so many parts of life, I’m reminded of the journeys that I’ve seen other people take in such a situation.

The common main theme that I’ve noticed is this: whenever someone appears to actually accomplish a much newer, healthier path in life, they really had to put most of their mind, body, and focus into it. To the point of obsession, you might say.

But hey…..no one recovering from years of sunken-in addictive behaviors is going to be able to move forward without having their share of issues. So if getting too intense about something healthier (as a replacement “issue”) is what’s necessary for things to work, more power to them.

There’s one specific example of such a transformation who I’ve read a lot about lately. He was actually my mother’s former doctor, and his early and mid-life path was similar to mine. Someone with the talent and, back in his 20s, the opportunity to make a great life and success out of himself.

And who did so for a number of years. But then threw it all away from his depression-based addictive and degenerate behavior. And ended up hitting rock bottom in his 40s with few ways to turn things around (just like me now). Before he found his calling for the future, that is.

You might be thinking: well, why wouldn’t I use that as a guide for my own upcoming journey? Seems simple enough eh?

The answer is that his (and most others’) severe lifestyle changes in these spots are based on religion. Usually in a “giving yourself to christ” kind of way.

And that’s just not something that I believe in.

Obviously you can’t force yourself to be something you’re not. Though sometimes I wish I could. Especially since it would give me a lot more support in my battles (from that former doctor if I need it, among others).

So, it looks like if there’s a path to a better life in my case, I’ll have to clear it myself. As I’ve said in the past, I’m well used to that.

Gotta admit though……it makes me a bit envious of Dr. Z. Even though I could never see eye to eye with him on how, he eventually found a way to move forward and make the most of his future.

While it remains to be seen if I can do the same

Keeping the hope alive

In a recent entry, I mentioned how I was considering giving up trading and any gambling (even advantage gambling) for the first time in order to possibly save myself from losing everything down the road. Though that would also leave me with no hope of ever redeeming myself and permanently feeling like a life failure.

But since neither of those simple “yes” or “no” choices was likely to leave me with an existence worth living, I’ve decided that a compromise is the best option. Instead, I’m going to stop those activities…..but just for the time being. And immerse myself completely in every way possible to try fixing or taming all of my demons.

How long will that take? It could be six months. Six years. Or even never.

Then if that does happen, I’ll resume trying to recover my past success then. And even if the opportunities to do so still aren’t what they need to be at the time (an issue I’ve discussed before), I’ll just have to hope that they do eventually improve before it’s too late.

Yep, plenty of “if”s here. But that’s the best that can be done at the moment. And I’ve decided that it’s my only choice.

Because when it comes to the hope of ever feeling good about myself again, I can’t throw in the towel completely. Regardless of the risks.

Ever

How much do you need to fix….or really want to?

I’ve had the initial get togethers with both the personal trainer and the retired psychologist that I mentioned in my last entry. Both went about how I thought they would: the trainer seems nice and a good match for the goals I want to accomplish, and the psychologist really didn’t have any insight that helped much. Eh, was worth a shot.

So I’m not sure if I’ll follow up with the latter, but I signed up with the personal training company. Hopefully that will go well…..though based on the timing mentioned in our meeting, I expected to hear from her by now, even with the holiday just ended, about the upcoming week’s plan to get me started out (yet barely have). A bit troubling, but we’ll see how it works out.

All of this has me thinking even deeper about everything though. At the forefront is something I’ve brought up before: the prospect of just not wanting to be happy. As bizarre as it might sound……with the way that I often glamorize the despair and isolation of living a hopeless, empty life, I’m not even sure that I want to change that. Especially at age 48.

But like I said the last time here, I’d still have to fix the issues that lead to me throwing everything away. Thing is, I had assumed that leading a happier life was necessary to do that.

Is it really though? Couldn’t you just retrain your mind to stop sabotaging your life completely? While still managing, but not overcoming, your depression?

Makes me shake my head that I’m even considering the possibility of that route. But if it increases my chances of saving myself overall, it may be the better choice.

It sounds like that quote by Billy Crystal near the end of “When Harry Met Sally”…….when he says something about how he’s fine with his life of comfortable depression.

Will probably be awhile before I figure all this out more. Who knows how long.

For now, I’ll sit here at 1:30 AM and listen to Enigma’s MCMXC a.d. album yet again. And let my mind fade away into the middle of the night….

Has the fire gone completely out?

I was fiercely competitive as a child and throughout college. Just ask the occasional tree which, during my worst moments, may have found a tennis racket flying up into its branches. Or how inconsolable I was after a tough loss.

These characteristics had plenty of upside, though. They brought the best out of me as well, and I never would’ve had my past success without that level of desire to excel.

But once my depression got its permanently tight grip on me in my early 20s, things started to change. I stopped doing much of anything athletic (and the occasional times I did, that winning drive wasn’t really there anymore).

That was followed by a very long period of frustration, and some extra anger that came with it. Which actually began slightly before my successful times started to crash and burn, so maybe I could subconsciously sense what was coming.

This anger was never taken out on other people; only the occasional inanimate object or somewhat embarrassing episode. I might break a laptop after yet another poorly handled market trade, or cackle derisively at myself as a casino visit went horribly because I’d lost my composure.

On a side note: I don’t know if any readers have stuck with me for the entire few years that I’ve been making these sporadic entries. But if they had, they’d notice that I’ve never blamed “bad luck” for any of my career/financial failures. And that’s because when it comes to risking your money, luck only applies in the very short term. In the long run, your skill level and execution entirely dictate your results. So anyone who blames lifelong bad luck in those spots is just deluding themselves from the reality of their own shortcomings and mistakes. Anyway…..

There has been a change in me more recently. For the last few years, I haven’t reacted much to the continued ever worsening failures. No more throwing anything at the wall in my apartment or childishly storming away from a casino table as others shake their head.

Just emptiness. Which is scary.

Because while those past actions were often inexcusable, at least they were a sign that I cared. Of life in me. The urge to battle on.

And I’m afraid that might be gone. At the worst time for that to happen, no less (as at this current new and uncertain mid-life stage, the will to move forward is more necessary than ever.)

If there was ever a need for a spark, it’s now. But I don’t know if one will come.

The remnants of past success and hope

Even after all these years, a few of them still remain here and there in this apartment that still looks like someone is either moving in or moving out. Furniture that I bought when I moved to Southern California in 2005 (with success in my hands and the life that I wanted within reach).

If only my then 30 year old hands would’ve had the capability to grasp it.

When you look at what’s left here from that time, most would see some nice items that have held up fairly well. A quality glass dining room table and the four chairs that go with it (not that anyone else ever sits in the extra ones). A California king bed. The dresser and nightstand that came with it. Even the TV stand that I never replaced after the wrong one was brought in.

But what do I see? Just a glimpse of everything else I used to have. The younger (though still highly troubled) person that I used to be. But still a time when I didn’t wake up every morning being ashamed of who I am and the life I’ve led for so long now.

It’s also a reminder of how bleak my future likely is. Especially since I really doubt that I can be fixed at some point.

I mentioned in a prior entry that if I don’t tame my demons, I will lose everything down the road. That wouldn’t happen until I’m in my 50s or 60s for various reasons, so it could be awhile. But it’s inevitable unless I do.

Are we talking 5 years from now? 15? Who knows. It’s like an ominous clock ticking on my likely eventual Leaving Las Vegas type ending, but without a very specific time table yet.

Not to mention that I’m also at this new crossroads since I recently moved back close to my hometown that has few good answers. I’m not stable enough and may not have enough long-term profitable opportunities to work for myself again at the moment, but I don’t make a good 9 to 5 employee either (since, among other reasons, I’m spoiled by a lot of longtime career freedom and don’t have the usual number of years of traditional work experience).

So…..I just wait. Waking up every day with little direction. Hoping to get through the day without destroying my finances and everything else even worse (though there’s still a steady decline). Just wanting to get to these late hours and the escapism that comes with them.

Wishing the next morning wouldn’t come.

This will be the last time

That’s what I often say when I slip into my exasperated mode of giving it away.

Before I elaborate a little, it’s been awhile since I mentioned what I do. So: I am a 47 yr old rare breed who is a pro financial market trader and advantage gambler (made a living at it for many years, and still could)…..all while being a degenerate addict in those areas at the same time.

Confusing? Yep, I know. And for about the last dozen years, the degenerate part has gotten the best of me.

Earlier tonight, I lost composure again and entered a self-destructive mode. And the thing is, this should have been one of the least likely times for it to happen. Because now that I’ve had to move again, I’m starting up some new sports accounts in some new places. And I just found that the opportunities at these places might be more lucrative than I expected.

So why the tailspin as the evening went on? My biggest achilles heel: if a night starts out poorly, I may make stupid choices to chase the losses (that have nothing to do with betting with an edge). Or, I might bet way too big for my bankroll on something, which will always tap you in the long run at some point.

All this happens because I am way, way too impatient to get back the lost success of my younger years. That urge is just too strong to have the willpower to stop, especially given that since my life is so empty, I also lean on gambling/trading as the main part of making life feel worthwhile.

As mentioned, sometimes when I get burned this way, I tell myself that this is going to be the LAST time. That there is no way (especially in my current situation) that I can continue any problematic behavior that inevitably leads to failure.

Then I try to placate myself to not feel as bad about what just happened. Cause let’s face it, I already feel unhappy enough about my life as it is.

That’s done with thoughts such as “you can use this as a starting point to now move forward doing the right thing” or “now that you look like even more of a hopeless loser at that sports site, you’ll get that much more slack and freedom there to profit more once you get your head on straight.”

At least those rationalizations have merit, though. But there’s another one that I also find myself thinking sometimes, and it’s not good. This usually happens after I’ve screwed up the worst, and quickly ruined what could’ve been a great day or week:

“Well, you would’ve lost that money before long anyway.”

I mean, how sad is that? Trying to make yourself feel better about a loss that just happened with “well, you’re so screwed up that it was inevitable”.

Obviously I need to wash myself clean of THAT kind of thinking.

So, what am I going to do now? Pick up the pieces again. And try once more to find the strength to always stay focused on the positive behaviors (while eliminating the destructive ones).

And it’s extremely difficult to do, because as I brought up in a past entry, this is not like a severe alcoholic or degenerate gambler who can’t go a day without it (and whose addictive behaviors are always destructive). Not like I am always slipping. The problem is though, it can happen at any time…..and when it does, you can ruin a month of flawless work/profits in an hour. So there’s very little margin for error.

But if I ever hope to succeed again, I’m going to have to find a way to be that consistently strong.

And that applies to the rest of my life as well.