More pulling hair out….

The first month of this year has been spent continuing the same type of failure and losses that have plagued me for so many years now. And every time it becomes worse, it doesn’t get any easier.

This is one of the worst possible times for me to stay stuck in my destructive mindset. In addition to all of the upcoming change that I’ve mentioned in recent posts, I will also be receiving some inheritance from my grandmother soon. She was 91 and passed away about two weeks ago.

While this was yet another life lost around me in a relatively short period of time (so much sadness in my family lately), the help to my finances changes what I might be able to accomplish if I’d keep my head on straight. It’s not a huge life-changing amount of money otherwise, but it still provides me with enough new capital to begin going after an opportunity that I’ve been monitoring for awhile now. One that would begin later this year.

It gives me yet another chance to build back some success long-term. One that I don’t deserve and did not earn, but one that still badly needs taken advantage of.

The ideal situation would be to spend the next 6 to 8 months getting ready for everything that’s to come in my next life phase (moving to a new city, finding a new job, other family issues, and plenty more). There’s so much to do that you could just lose yourself in a haze of preparation, change, and self-improvement for that entire time. Just suppress that sabotage-laced nagging need to force new success ASAP with my trading and advantage gambling, and wait wait wait until I’m (for once) much more ready psychologically to do so.

Last year I bought a few books on willpower and other subjects related to my demons. They have just sat here unopened. No clue if anything in them will actually help, but at least it’d be starting some new habits to move forward toward doing SOMETHING with self-therapy attempts.

Now is the time.

New…..most things

I wasn’t expecting to write any of the typical New Year’s blab. Expected to just sit here, feel all the typical things I normally would, and then try to sleep it off.

Then something unexpected happened. At around 30 minutes til midnight, it hit me that this wasn’t just a bad year….it was a bad decade. Was around 2010 when I last experienced any continued and meaningful success, and when my life trajectory started consistently downward for the first time.

You would’ve thought that that realization would’ve just made the last half hour of said decade that much worse. But oddly enough, it didn’t. For no reason whatsoever, I started to sense a little more hope than I usually do. So instead of turning off the world even more and letting the tears well up as many other people celebrated, I sat here feeling like I’d gotten another wake-up call about life.

Feels strange. I don’t know how I will react to it going forward (if at all). But it’s a welcome relief from the blanket of hopelessness that I’m too often covered with. Regardless of how long it lasts.

It ends just as it began

As we come to the end of one of the most very difficult years ever, the frustrations have built to a fever pitch. Ever felt like you just need to let out a raging yell in the middle of nowhere? I guess some people try to do that by writing here. One thing I’ve noticed from blogging this year is that many people are doing it for the same reason I am; the only real positive, uplifting post I’ve written this year got the least number of views. That’s so sad in itself. There are a few people who seem to have read the most this year, and I hope they are faring well (hi Fractured Faith!)

Even though this outlet hasn’t helped me change anything yet, sometimes it still feels good to write. I’m not someone who vents publicly on facebook or anywhere else, so this anonymous release is all I’ve had.

I’m going to end this year like I started it, and spent most of it: sitting at my place alone. I could go out with a longtime friend for NYE, but she lives almost four hours away. I’d barely have the desire to drive four minutes to be social at the moment, much less four hours.

Near the end of picking up all the baseball cards I’ve wanted to get. Even getting back into those, which is one of the few things that’s put a smile on my face anymore, seems to have its perils (especially since I’m only doing it as a collector this time rather than a dealer). It, like most collectible hobbies, just isolates you that much more. The last thing I need.

And like all of us, already thinking of the new beginnings you hope for this time of year (especially this time, since many life fixes need urgent attention this year). When I bought a few more cards this evening, I reminded myself just how different I treat that task when compared to how destructive I can often be with my finances. I’ll scope for the best deals, be (somewhat) patient, and value every few dollars I spend. Which is the exact opposite of what happens when I get destructive with my trading and betting…….when you pass up some cards over $15 but throw caution to the wind with $15,000 market trades, that naturally makes you shake your head.

This is just one example of how my good habits mix with my bad, how the bad habits often trump the good, and how I need to find a way to streamline my emotions and psyche to approach all of my money risks in the same manner as the card buying.

Can that be done? And even if some of my bad habits can be dealt with that way, will I care enough and have the willpower to stick through it?

I guess we will see. Either next year, in 10 years, or whenever my troublesome life ride starts to change even more for the better or worse

More holiday (and general) family fun….

In all of my mentions of being emotionally distanced from family in this blog, I’ve only really mentioned my own characteristics (related to how that ends up being the case). But there is much, much more to it than that.

While I probably would’ve felt the same way about most things regardless (just from how I simply am), my family’s actions often alienate me that much more. Many of the things I could overlook, but there’s main factor that has, and always will be, front and center. And this one can’t be dismissed:

All of them (all of my blood, anyway) only think about what they want. And beyond that, they are virtually incapable of even putting themselves in anyone else’s shoes either. Naturally this leads to very high levels of selfishness and very low levels of empathy and awareness of what’s best for those around them.

I’ve dealt with this my entire life (though I was never really aware of how things really were until I was an adult, because you’d never know that they were like this on the surface). Because it’s not like I was ever abused, neglected, or anything similar. But once I started to look back on things long ago, I realized that everything about my life was always structured around what my parents wanted, and that they were never really paying attention to what meant the most to me. And I’m not talking about getting me whatever I wanted or anything like that; just referring to a general awareness of what made me tick, and what was best for my life. The kind of thing that way too many parents just don’t do.

And the worst par is that they THINK that they DO give unconditional support and that they only think of me. Try telling a parent who’s always been a part of their kid’s life that they’re actually only thinking about themselves the entire time, and see how far you get in opening up some dialogue to get them to understand and attempt improving the situation. You won’t get anywhere. I’ve tried.

Why am I bringing this up now? Because mom knows that I may want to move back to my “home” city this spring (across the country). And just a few moments ago, I already started getting the guilt trip of “do you have any bombshells for me before the visits over”, etc etc. Obviously I understand that it will be difficult for her to have me move further away again, but I can’t sacrifice myself entirely either. Compromises can be worked out that won’t make my new situation that much different than the current one (in recent years, I’ve lived about a two hour drive away). I want to figure out the best solution for everyone.

Balance. Neither selfishness nor selflessness. It’s how I’ve always tried to function, but it’s how no one else in my family ever has. It’s exhausting.

And just once, I’d like to hear mom say something like “while I would obviously love to have you as close as possible, I understand that you have to do what’s best for your life too.” Rather than having anything and everything, 100% of the time, be seen only from her viewpoint and what she wants (while only seeing the negatives and fighting me every step of the way whenever we don’t see eye to eye).

That will never happen though. But at least there’s this: while I have my many faults, it’s taught me that much more to always strive for that aforementioned balance in my life between myself and the others around me. If your elders never remind you of what you should do, you may has well get the usage of being reminded what NOT to

Christmas then and now

Naturally this Christmas was a little rough. But beyond my dad being gone, so many other things in this house I grew up in are a reminder of a better time.

  • The holder for fireplace logs. It hasn’t been right next to the fireplace for a long time, because no one would ever think to build a fire anymore
  • The space between the two recliners. Had a Christmas tree every year until last year. Now our tree is just this one foot tall version on the mantel that I got to replace the usual one
  • The lack of presents, stockings, most other Christmas decorations. Anywhere. Compared to the typical scene when I was growing up
  • People on Christmas Eve. Used to be a gathering here every year. That ended about 10 years ago. Now we go to a different family friend each year for that, but I’m always the only person under 130 years old there, and it’s not the same at all. The eves here were a celebration; the eves now are about holding on and trying to smile about anything possible
  • The prior magic of coming downstairs as a kid every Christmas morning. Obviously that ends for everyone before too long, but then there’s often a new generation to replace it. Not a part of my life, though.

And the thing is, it’s not experiencing those memories that I miss that much (especially anything related to family and friends; anyone who’s read much of my blog has seen how distanced I am from that sort of emotional attachment).

What I do miss is how life had so much more hope, future, and happiness. Not just for me, but everyone else around too. And that’s just not there anymore. It’s like I’ve reached the life stage of a hapless old man who can only look back. At just age 45.

Reflections from a city’s downtown

Yesterday afternoon, I had to go downtown for awhile. And as you often do in the city, I would occasionally see a homeless person pass by. I always hate to see people (or animals, or any sentient beings) in a situation where they might be regularly struggling for food or shelter. But as someone who has been fortunate enough to never want for any of those basics, it wasn’t easy to relate or think of yourself in their shoes for very long.

Until lately.

As I enter this new stage of life, I’m reminding myself more and more how dangerous and costly my destructive habits could be to my future. Sure I’ve mentioned them at length in this blog and the major issues I could continue to have, but I’ve never really touched on just how severe my fall could end up being at some point.

In my past, current, and (unless I can change enough) future state of mind, I am capable of losing everything. Both psychologically and materially. It hasn’t happened yet because I can still bank on my past success and my family when I need to. But give this another 10,20, 30 years…..and sometime down the line, all of that could run out. And this is coming from someone who has spent most of his life supporting himself with his knowledge of finance and risking money. But if you don’t have the discipline to follow through with what you know, those skills become almost useless in the end.

Between all of that and the distance I keep from family and friends, it gives me visions of being desolate and alone on the streets in my 50s or 60s. Scary, scary stuff. Can’t imagine having to go through that, and it’s tough to think that I’d have the willpower to fight it and survive.

But that possibility is out there looming, and it couldn’t be more real. And if that thought doesn’t get me to turn life around in time, then I don’t know what will.

The latest and (not so) greatest

It’s been awhile since I’ve written, so this entry is more of a life update (rather than having more of a theme to it).

This first holiday season without my father, combined with having major life changes on my plate soon after the new year, has made this a difficult time to confront for anyone (much less someone with my inner demons). Lately I’ve gotten back into sports cards; this time just as a collector rather than a dealer. It gives me something to smile about and I’ve been getting a lot of quality stuff that I’ve both always wanted and that should hold its value (or hopefully even appreciate some).

The thing is though, I’ve been buying more than I expected to. And I can’t deny that there’s another reason why: it provides some stability for my finances. Every dollar I spend on worthwhile cards is another dollar that I can’t piss away because of my still-lingering life discipline issues. And it’s not a comfortable feeling to know that you’ve acquired a safety net to help cushion you from your flaws.

As we get into the new year, I’m still hoping to somehow find the strength, focus, and willpower to improve life. Some of the issues are mid-life crisis related, and some have lingered throughout my adulthood. But all of them need addressed as soon as possible.

Anyway…..I hope everyone has a great holiday season. And to those going through one that will combine sadness, memories, and a new era (like mine), I can relate. And I wish you the best

45

No, not “that” number 45 (doubt I will ever get into politics on here). Earlier this week, that became my new age.

Only my two remaining closest immediate family members (mother and grandmother) remembered, though I expected that since I haven’t kept anyone else close enough in my life to.

With as pronounced as this midlife crisis is becoming, I was glad to get this birthday behind me. But it was still another reminder of everything in front of me. Having to find a new job, new city, (hopefully) new and improved habits. At a stage in life when many people have found stability, I have nothing but a huge self-rebuilding project and plenty of necessary change to deal with.

And the problem is…..I barely even care enough to try and get all that off the ground. When I’ve failed badly before, there was much solace in knowing that I still had most of my adult years left to rebound (and you could try and chalk away some of it to youthful mistakes). But this time, there are no excuses. There is no remaining youth to enjoy any goals that might be reached. And there isn’t nearly as much that I can do with my future (career and otherwise) than there used to be.

It’s very humbling, troubling, and uncomfortable. And a little scary. To know that you can’t continue to survive living this way, but for the first time in your life, you don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel (that may finally motivate some change).

So I’m really not sure if I’ll find a way to hang on (or even improve), or just continue to fall apart even further and the let the “midlife” part the crisis become permanent.

I’d like to be optimistic about it, but I’ve never really had the strength to consistently battle my demons before. So I don’t know.

I really don’t know.

The soundtrack to your life

A lot of us undoubtedly have a song that defines us. Mine is “You Belong to the City” by Glenn Frey. Not just because it’s an 80s song or because I’ve lived in cities my entire adult life; there’s a lot more to it than that.

  • “The moon comes up and the music calls. You’re getting tired of staring at the same four walls”.

I’ve talked about this in recent blogs. Being such a night person who sits around feeling entrapped in the same place, whether it be inside my mind or the actual walls of whatever apartment I was living in at the time. Often with nothing but the music playing in the background.

  • “Moving through the crowd in the midnight heat. The traffic roars. The sirens scream. You look at the faces. It’s just like a dream.”

I’ve done this so many times. Out in the city alone at night. The sounds around you. It does feel just like an escapist dream.

  • “Nobody knows where you’re going. Nobody cares where you’ve been.”

This doesn’t quite describe me now (although sometimes it already feels like it), because my mother and a very small handful of other people would check up on me. But as I get older, that group gets smaller and smaller. And I’m certainly not living (or expect to live) the kind of lifestyle that will expand a family/close friends circle during the second half of my life. As the years go on, that verse will ring more and more true, and it could easily encapsulate my situation literally at some point.

  • “When you said goodbye you were on the run. Trying to get away from the things you’ve done. Now you’re back again and you’re feeling strange. So much has happened, but nothing has changed. You still don’t know where you’re going. You’re still just a face in the crowd.”

Quite eery how this is now my present. As we speak, I’m on my way back from the city that I left many years ago. The place that I’ve realized should be home for the rest of my life. I expect to move back there early next year. And that line couldn’t express it any better…..much has happened since, but so little has changed.

  • “Cause you belong to the city. You belong to the night. Living in a river of darkness, beneath the neon light”.

Simply says it all. Past, present, and future.

Being frozen

Many of you who’ve read my blog can probably relate:

You lay around late at night.

Plenty of depression napping earlier, so you’re not tired. But you also don’t have the energy or desire to accomplish anything.

Don’t really feel like listening to music you like. Or trying to talk to anyone (though even if you did, most are asleep or wouldn’t respond anyway).

No new book nearby. Not really feeling like looking at what’s on TV.

Already passed a little time by rolling your eyes at the usual FB pages or sites you sometime frequent. Nothing too interesting at the moment.

So you just stare at the screen. Antsy, restless, virtually motionless. With nothing to do but think of how each moment passing by is becoming more meaningless than the last.

Envious of those who are out enjoying themselves and possibly creating new life memories.

Trapped in time. Feeling frozen.