Tag: christmas

Christmas time is here

A word of warning: if you stumbled upon this entry (from the Christmas tag) and are looking for the usual joyous life stories and anecdotes about the season, then this is not for you.

In the midst of most other parts of life continuing to suffer, I’ve already begun hearing the seasonal music at the mall in the last week. Yesterday I took a few laps there to get some exercise, and it was an instant reminder of what was to come in the upcoming weeks.

Families. Holiday happiness and magic. Celebrating life. But all that did was have me fighting to stop tearing up right in public.

Why? Well, in recent years, I’ve thought more about how brutal the holidays will be for me down the road. No close family except my mother. Once she’s gone, then there won’t be anyone. Dad’s side of the family does live a few hours away. My uncle, aunt, and their families. But while we’ve always been on good terms, we’ve never been very close.

And with how I am, I don’t even want to be.

Anyway…..as Christmas approaches this year, I’ve found myself sinking into a new abyss about it. For the first time, it’s now representing all the sadness in my life. And everything I don’t have anymore (or never had), and likely won’t again. Now all I think about is the childhood Christmas joys of the past, the emptiness of the present (mom and I are just salvaging life at this point), and my future existence with the brutal loneliness of a totally forgotten person.

Sure I could attempt to make big life changes to prevent some of this. Start dating again or make attempts to bond with the rest of the family more. But I just feel like this is who I am, and that it’s the path I’m destined to take. At age 49 now, the lifelong adult depression and destructive habits and comfort zones seem too embedded in me to fight. You can’t just flip a switch and start changing into someone who genuinely welcomes companionship and happiness.

I wish I could.

Because that’s the thing. When I see those people at the mall with full lives this time of year, I don’t wish I was them.

My wish is that I wanted to be them.

Have yourself a merry little Christmas….

….now?

Guess I shouldn’t be whining about this past weekend. Plenty of other people had no one for the holidays (or else were separated from them), while mom and I had our fourth straight Christmas alone since my father passed away.

I do hope that everyone else enjoyed the day with family and friends. Never want others to have to experience the life emptiness here. Especially this time of year.

But that doesn’t mean that our time is one for even the most unfortunate people above to envy.

We don’t exchange presents. We have no interest in going to see any friends (and this year, didn’t even have the sad get together that we have on most Christmas eves at one of her close friend’s house).

Actually I didn’t even get a single Christmas gift this year (for the first time, I think). Even last year, the lady that cleans her house got me a phone charger for the car. And it meant something, since that was the only present I got last year either.

Didn’t even hear my favorite Christmas song during the season. “Have yourself a merry little Christmas.” So, I decided to play it a few minutes ago. Knowing I’d tear up.

And I did.

Even as I learned something new while looking up a word (turned out to be “bough”) from one of the lyrics: I never even realized that it’s “Have yourself a merry little Christmas now.” For some reason, always thought it was “little Christmas night”.

Yep, I didn’t even know the whole main lyric to my favorite seasonal song. So now I feel sad, empty, AND ridiculous.

January 2nd can’t come soon enough

Christmas then and now

Naturally this Christmas was a little rough. But beyond my dad being gone, so many other things in this house I grew up in are a reminder of a better time.

  • The holder for fireplace logs. It hasn’t been right next to the fireplace for a long time, because no one would ever think to build a fire anymore
  • The space between the two recliners. Had a Christmas tree every year until last year. Now our tree is just this one foot tall version on the mantel that I got to replace the usual one
  • The lack of presents, stockings, most other Christmas decorations. Anywhere. Compared to the typical scene when I was growing up
  • People on Christmas Eve. Used to be a gathering here every year. That ended about 10 years ago. Now we go to a different family friend each year for that, but I’m always the only person under 130 years old there, and it’s not the same at all. The eves here were a celebration; the eves now are about holding on and trying to smile about anything possible
  • The prior magic of coming downstairs as a kid every Christmas morning. Obviously that ends for everyone before too long, but then there’s often a new generation to replace it. Not a part of my life, though.

And the thing is, it’s not experiencing those memories that I miss that much (especially anything related to family and friends; anyone who’s read much of my blog has seen how distanced I am from that sort of emotional attachment).

What I do miss is how life had so much more hope, future, and happiness. Not just for me, but everyone else around too. And that’s just not there anymore. It’s like I’ve reached the life stage of a hapless old man who can only look back. At just age 45.

The latest and (not so) greatest

It’s been awhile since I’ve written, so this entry is more of a life update (rather than having more of a theme to it).

This first holiday season without my father, combined with having major life changes on my plate soon after the new year, has made this a difficult time to confront for anyone (much less someone with my inner demons). Lately I’ve gotten back into sports cards; this time just as a collector rather than a dealer. It gives me something to smile about and I’ve been getting a lot of quality stuff that I’ve both always wanted and that should hold its value (or hopefully even appreciate some).

The thing is though, I’ve been buying more than I expected to. And I can’t deny that there’s another reason why: it provides some stability for my finances. Every dollar I spend on worthwhile cards is another dollar that I can’t piss away because of my still-lingering life discipline issues. And it’s not a comfortable feeling to know that you’ve acquired a safety net to help cushion you from your flaws.

As we get into the new year, I’m still hoping to somehow find the strength, focus, and willpower to improve life. Some of the issues are mid-life crisis related, and some have lingered throughout my adulthood. But all of them need addressed as soon as possible.

Anyway…..I hope everyone has a great holiday season. And to those going through one that will combine sadness, memories, and a new era (like mine), I can relate. And I wish you the best