Tag: frustrated

Boiling point

The last two weeks had already not gone well. As I wrote about recently, the quality of my trading/betting was still full of the same holes (and things had started to slip back). In addition to that, I haven’t found any of the willpower necessary to start fresh in my new place and move toward improving the other parts of life either.

Needless to say, I was already on edge some. Then today happened, and I’m fighting the urge to completely tilt.

Put myself into a difficult spot on a trade that I didn’t need to have. Which led to me bailing on it about an hour too early (and just before the stock market turned in my direction). Turning what could’ve been a very good day into another bad one.

It’s fine when you’re wrong about a situation, cause obviously that will happen sometimes. But when you were very right about the market’s direction and still get stung b/c of how you handled things, that is a BIG problem.

Especially when there’s this: while I’ve written plenty about my attempts to recover from past career/life failures….even though it’s often done with plenty of urgency, that’s been taken to a whole new level this time.

Why? First, because I’m finally back in the place where I have a chance to be happy. If I can’t make life work here now, my chances of ever doing so before I’m too old to enjoy it go way down.

And second: for many years now, whenever I had a new setback with trying to work on my own, getting a 9 to 5 again felt like it was always there as an option (albeit one that I did not prefer at all). But this time, and especially in this city, I don’t want to settle for that anymore.

Between my last experience where I was hired early last month (and I subsequently left) and how I’ll have a much better basis about feeling better about myself if I have my career freedom permanently again, I’ve turned much more against getting a traditional job ever again.

Naturally that means that I have to make things work out now. I know that urgency seems like quite a stressful way to go about it, but oh well. Things have never improved without the urgency either, so I’m not making my situation worse by feeling that way.

So I’m trying to take a very deep breath after moving on. Forget about this recent slide and how awfully it accelerated today, and start fresh moving forward. But unfortunately, that’s never been my way.

It’s like trying to catch a falling knife.

And I’ve never been able to find the handle to.

Caught in between

For the past couple of weeks, I have been way south. Checking out the state that should be my next stop for maybe a couple of years, while I hope to iron out so much of life and get prepared for my final destination as soon as possible.

But this has not been easy.

Though I read many of the books that I’d gotten on trying to improve my willpower, diet, and other demons, I’m not in a spot to apply them until I’m settled in somewhere again. So in the meantime, I continue to make the same destructive mistakes.

Then there’s the job hunt. Not surprisingly, I don’t have too many close personal contacts. And in this covid world, that’s even more vital for finding something white collar. It’s hard enough to stay motivated as it is, much less when you look at a dime-a-dozen posting in your field on Linkedin (that’s only six days old), and see that over 100 people have already applied. With my limited 9 to 5 job work experience, there is no way I can compete with even 5 people per opening, much less over 100.

At this point, I simply don’t know how I will solve that employment dilemma.

So I sit here now as we speak, dreading the thought of going to see an old friend tomorrow for a few days, and having to act all normal ok social, yattada yattada. For everyone else who deals with constant depression, you know what THAT’S like. Especially when you’re in the midst of one of those times where your life issues are even more of an urgent problem than they normally are.

One of those times where you wish you could just hibernate until the world has totally changed. No matter how long it takes.

Or even if it never does.