love – Mister A’s domain

Let’s chill

It’s 2005. Inside the condo I was leasing in Southern California then.

There’s someone sitting on my couch across the room from me. And she’s waiting expectantly. I dim the lights in the room and start over with a sly smirk.

Our eyes lock again.

Even though we’d only been out a few times, we both knew the chemistry that was there. And that now was the time to start exploring that connection some more.

As the last step to set the scene, I turn on the music mix that I’d put together earlier that day. “Let’s Chill” (by Guy) starts playing. And once its intro shifts into a sultry beat, you can see that instant that her mind registers approval of the choice (as she’s introduced to my love of ’90s R&B).

Yes, it sounds like a scene scripted for a movie. But sometimes they actually happen that naturally in real life. And for us, it was that night.

But it wasn’t long before I never saw her again.

What went wrong? Nothing specific. That night or otherwise. I just never took the budding relationship any further. Until recently, I always attributed distancing myself to how she was way too much of a nurturer (rather than there being a balance of what both of us would want from life, and each other). Which I knew would never work for me.

And that very well may be true. But the more I think about it, the more I wonder: was it really? Or was I doing the thing that emotionally unavailable people can be best at: making sure that you find a reason to keep anyone and everyone from getting serious with you, no matter what.

Despite how self-aware I am, this is a rare time where I’m simply not sure of an answer. Maybe it’s because it was a combination of both. Or maybe cause it’ll never be quite clear enough to know for sure.

But one thing’s for sure: with how I am (and was), there was little doubt about the lifelong solitary path that I’d end up taking. And if I’d known how certain that was at the time, I never would’ve let her get the least bit attached to begin with.

So yep, romance may be like the movies sometimes. But the happily ever after endings? Much more elusive.

Those married forever, looking into each other’s eyes as you dance together in old age stories

I’ve written plenty about how I’m just not capable of having really close connections with people (including significant others). But I’ve never mentioned much about my parents and grandparents.

Let’s just say that unfortunately, they weren’t any better at it than I am.

My parents were married for 52 years until my father passed away five years ago. But despite how the marriage was always stable, they were only companions. The two of them were even less built for genuine love than I am, so there could be no actual connection (especially since they had nothing in common either). Not to mention how that was still an era when you simply married the first person you dated for awhile (and hadn’t found a reason to break up yet).

They never would’ve admitted that. Though you could argue that they were never self-aware enough to even consider it much to begin with. And it’s not like other problems didn’t come from it. Once she hit around 40, mom started harboring more depression and drinking more every evening. Which only got worse until dad died. Since then, the drinking hasn’t been quite as bad. Because while she doesn’t enjoy the new loneliness, subconsciously she prefers it to the unsaid discomfort of a constant attachment to a partner that you’re so emotionally distanced from.

As far as my grandparents, it was mostly similar. Married until death, but no substance behind it. Except for the addition of my paternal grandfather being a drunken wife abuser for many years (up until the drinking almost killed him one day in his 40s, which forced him to change). Definitely no storybook golden years.

And you know what’s sad? I never saw these connections in any of my parents’ closest friends (and their lifelong marriages) either. It was just never those couples who got lost in each other’s eyes, finished each other’s sentences with a bright smirk, or just laughed together w/ pure happiness at inside jokes in their own little world. So whenever there was a group function, it looked more like aging people having their first dates.

I know that it’s possible for two people to be genuinely in love. And I’m always really happy for a couple (the occasional times when I see it). But I’m telling ya, it’s very tough for many human beings to even be capable of, much less find.

Especially during the aforementioned dating constructs of prior generations. People often claim that their elders were “those” lucky couples, but I’ve found that they’re usually way too biased to see their family’s situations clearly, or that they delude themselves about the harsher reality that so many (like my parents and their friends) actually experienced.

So for the few reading this: I hope you beat the odds and actually do become one of those lucky ones. It’s a life joy that most of us will never experience.

“Going down the only road I’ve ever known…”

I’ve had about a week and a half now to reflect on my recent get together with someone I’m really close to (reference the entry here from then). But while meeting up with her again went as well as it could have, the days since have reaffirmed what I already expected:

My emotional capability to desire something serious with someone is still practically non-existent. If not entirely.

The only reason there’s even any doubt (about that capability) is that despite the mutual spark and connection with her, it’s likely that we’re way too different for both of us to genuinely enjoy a regular life with each other. When it comes to us, that strong “opposites attract” vibe may not be enough. So you could argue that my feeling distanced (in this spot) has just as much to do with those differences with her.

Thing is though: regardless of how ideal any match might be for me, it’s still doubtful that I could care enough to want it. Almost impossible for me to imagine a situation where I’d rather share my life than be on my own.

You might wonder if it hurts to feel that way. The answer is that it can, but not for the reason you might think:

Because it’s not the actual being alone that hurts. What DOES is the reality that I’m too emotionally removed and disinterested to enjoy the good things that come from not just a fulfilling relationship, but from life in general. When I listen to sad songs or sultry r&b or see other people living these experiences, it hurts to be reminded of how empty your life is (especially since you feel too emotionally trapped to ever change it).

Last night I was talking to a close friend about all this. She is just as ill-equipped to be in a relationship as I am, though some of the reasons for it are totally different than mine. But at least it allows us to bond with someone who’s in the same boat.

We joke about sitting on a porch someday in old people rocking chairs. All our family long gone and no SO or kids in our lives. Reminiscing about how we predicted such an outcome 30 years prior.

Cause, well: to quote something from the ’90s for once (never fear, my ’80s obsession is still intact):

“We can’t run from who we are. Our destiny chooses us”

After 10 years: different, but same

Late last year, I wrote about what was going on with someone I’d met years ago (and had unusually amazing chemistry with) and gave some other background about my past and present romantic life.

When the past (and current) you cross paths…

(Not a subject that I get into too often, but there ya go).

Well….after all that time, we finally met up again last night. Now that I just moved back out west, she only lives an afternoon’s drive from here. She was flying out of my city in the morning, so we were able to make it happen.

Would the spark still be there after all that time….especially for two people whose lives can be so unhealthy, unpredictable, and bizarre?

Yes, it was. Honestly I think I’ve aged worse physically than she has since then (which is understandable since I’m a little older than she is). But those things didn’t matter. The attraction and vibe that we had was like a couple who was crazy about each other.

Does that mean that we’ll finally look into being together? Oh dear reader, if it were only that simple. Even though we’re only a few hours away now, the logistics would still be difficult. And let’s not forget one of the things that I mentioned in the last entry about this (about how at this point, neither of us may ever be equipped for anything serious with anyone ).

So we will just have to see how things unfold. But after what just happened, we know for sure that the potential is there.

If both of us are ever capable of pursuing it…

When the past (and current) you cross paths…

Earlier this year, I wrote about something here for the first time: some of my romantic past. That entry introduced the three women in my life who something “more” would be possible with (in a more ideal world, anyway).

And in the last couple days, something has changed. But first, a quick glimpse into the “past” me:

When I was in my 20s, I was way too needy about meeting someone. This was thanks to my late bloomer status (thus wanting to catch up on “girlfriend” time that I’d missed out on during high school and college). But that permanently changed around the time I hit 30. A good thing, right?

Yep, in many respects, it was. But here was the problem: that’s also the time that I became much more empty about life in general. I went from being too needy to being a somewhat emotionless shell.

So while I enjoyed dating during my 30s and early 40s, there was never much “more” behind it. Even with those three women who I had more poignant connections with. It never felt the same as it did during my 20s, when I still had the capacity to feel something meaningful about someone.

Until now.

Something is now different with the person who I experienced movie-like electric and transcendent chemistry with (the night that we met). No, we didn’t hook up, but I think this quote from her sums it up for both of us: “(our kissing) damn near stopped my heart”. And she is so not the type to sound like that.

This is someone who I’ve spent just that one evening with in my life. That was 10 years ago. Since we’ve never lived closeby (and both our lives are usually so messed up), we’ve chatted on and off all that time, but we never managed to get together again since.

But in the last couple days, it’s become different. Things have changed from how it always was (“we know what chemistry we have, but our focus is elsewhere in life”) to our minds being on each other now. I’m not necessarily referring to being together relationshipwise; it doesn’t have THAT kind of more serious ring to it yet. Largely because we both know that we’re not ready to (or may not be able to) ever approach something like that.

Still though….this is the first time that I’ve experienced that “meaningful” factor with anyone since I was in my 20s. We both now sound somewhat smitten and ready to finally meet up again to see what happens.

Not only does it feel strange for that to happen again after all this time, but I have to be careful with it too (especially when it comes to her feelings and emotions about it). My depressive emptiness could still win out here. Since this is uncharted territory for the “me” of the last 15 years, it’s tough to tell how it will go.

Regardless of what happens though, I’m glad to have accessed that part of me again. Even if it’s just for a little while.

Because I thought that piece of me might be gone forever.

Is this really the life you want?

I may not write about the world around me all the time, but I’m always just as aware of other people’s lives as my own. Occasionally I find myself envious of the few who genuinely have a worthwhile, fulfilling existence.

Unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of those people out there. It only appears that way. Can’t tell you how many supposedly ideal white-picket fence family lives are actually a miserable struggle beneath the surface. You just don’t see that side of them too often.

A perfect example of this was a 20 year high school reunion that I went to about six years ago. It wasn’t even anywhere near my own reunion, but I was the guest of an alum and it was where many of my best college friends grew up (so I fit in even easier than some people who’d gone there).

Once drinks began to flow, a former friend of my old friends introduced herself and started hanging around. It wasn’t long before she was showering me with compliments about how “at home” I seemed at their reunion, despite how it also became apparent that we were polar opposites (she was a married mother of three who teaches in a christian school; I am a perpetually single heathen). However, this didn’t keep her from starting to announce how much she “loved me”.

And as you might guess, those announcements became more frequent and more emphatic with every drink that came our way. As did her attaching herself to me.

Did it matter that her husband was AT the reunion with us? Apparently not. She paid virtually no attention to him all night. And one thing I’ve learned over the years is that losing alcohol-related inhibitions doesn’t just have to do with things like losing yourself in the moment and having sex (which we did not do given the circumstances, despite the obvious mutual attraction).

Losing those inhibitions also shows something far more innocent, but much more important: who you actually want to be around. Whether it’s who your true friends are, or who you truly desire. I’m not going get into further details as to why she wasn’t interested in her husband; suffice it to say that the story fits well beyond how she acted that evening.

So it was clear that her short time hanging out with me was an escape. An escape from someone she didn’t really want, and probably an escape from a life that she felt uncomfortably trapped in (despite how her family life appeared so ideal on the surface).

The night ended. Nothing more than flirtation happened. I went back home the next day. We remembered the bond that was there, though: two highly different people with vastly different lives. But who still connected and shared one vital thing in common that meant more than any of that:

The need to get away from the life we’d built for ourselves. Even for just one innocent night.

Who’s behind the three doors?

One topic that I’ve never talked about here is my past love life. I say “past” because, given my current state of mind and life situation, it’s not something that I’m focused on at all. That’s been the case for a long time now; my longest relationship was two years, and that was almost 20 years ago (when I was about 25).

But since that time, I have met three people that stood out. You know, the ones where you can both tell that something unusually good might be possible. Though the reason why that’s the case is different for them all. Listed in no particular order (so that you’d have to guess who I think the best chance would theoretically be for something real) 😛 These are all women who I’m still in regular contact with all the time.

Someone I’ve only known for a few years. When we’ve hung out, it just works. In all ways…..seeming like a “couple”, physically, and being very close friends all at the same time. And I currently chat with her more than anyone else. But from the beginning, she has kept her distance for various reasons. And, of course, being who I am, I keep my distance as well. It’s just the second time in my life when someone who makes it clear (and has shown) how much they “like” me keeps me pushed away at the same time. Always an interesting dynamic.

Then, there’s the woman who I’ve spent a total of three hours with in my life since we’ve never lived in the same place (and that was 10 years ago). Yep, she is still on this list. Why? Because for both of us, it was clearly the most electric chemistry that we’ve ever experienced. To the point where we still remember it now. We also share similar views on a lot of things and connect great intellectually. But….we are so, so different. Mixing lifestyles would be a big problem. And to be honest, she can be very difficult to get along with. Being with her would be one of those relationships that always has peaks and valleys. Some love/hate. Would that volatility make the spark even stronger though? I’m not sure, especially since that type of situation has never been my style.

And finally, there’s the friend who’s just like me. The one where it seems like you’ve known her since she was in pigtails (even though it’s been for like the last 15 years), and things have always been just platonic. When she “indulges”, shall we say, I always hear how I am her soulmate. Despite the fact that she’s been in a loveless marriage for many, many years (that’s always a fun snag, eh). She is the wildcard here. Because with the others, I’ve experienced the mutual attraction and physical chemistry. But in this case, I don’t even know if either of us would ever cross that line to find that out. Part of me could see it making sense, but the other part isn’t sure if we’d be feelin’ it. But when you have such a bond with someone, then you can’t help but be curious.

By now you may be wondering “do you think something more serious will ever develop with any of these women? Are you going to find out?” If I’m being honest, the answer is that I doubt it. It’s possible, but you definitely couldn’t count on it. And the main reason why is fairly sad.

Despite all of the differences I’ve mentioned among the three, there is one detail that we all share (including myself):

Being badly damaged. Not from heartbreak, but for so many other reasons.

Broken souls may find each other, but it’s very difficult for them to mesh into something real.

Especially when so much of life is behind you.

False guy dating-isms part 3/finale

The worst of the bunch:

“Just be yourself and the right person will come along.”

Ummmmm. Excuse me for a moment……

(there. Had to get that out before saying anything else about this).

Just like with my thoughts on sensitive guys, I can see the defense mechanisms immediately go up here too. But don’t worry; it’s not as bad as it first sounds. I am NOT saying to try and be someone who you’re really not, as obviously that’s not the right path either. The problem is how this advice hints that everything will be fine as is, and just sit tight forever.

And that’s where so many guys go wrong.

Why? Because most of us are not naturals at the fine art of dating, sex, and relationships. Well, unless you’re referring to how much our natural instincts get wrong. There are SO many habits that can be changed and improvements that can be made. Things that don’t change your core; they just make a slightly adjusted or improved version of you.

Some may think that those things really don’t matter that much (and if two people are “meant to be together”, it won’t matter what version of either person is presented). Now sure, that COULD happen. But such an ideal ending is tough to actually end up with in the real world, and you greatly improve your chances of attracting compatible people if you not only:

a. Have a legitimately wiser understanding of how people work (especially when it comes to this subject). And not just others, but also yourself. This also includes realizing that the world is not going to adjust to you. It doesn’t matter if someone “should” feel this way, or if you think you “deserve” this or that. The rest of humanity is not going to adjust to your comfort zone and preferences, so you can either find some compromises or keep being frustrated.

But also….

b. Present the best version of yourself (both physically and psychologically). I know this sounds obvious, but a lot of us just don’t bother to (myself included sometimes). But when I am looking around to date, you’d better believe I’m aware of this. Once again, the ideal view of “these things don’t matter to the right person” just doesn’t happen often enough. A lot of life is about odds and making the most sensible choices, and ms. right is simply more likely to be interested in the best version of you.

A couple of final thoughts. Some might wonder “well how do you do all this”? Between what I’ve described here and the content of my prior two recent entries about this subject, I’ve brought a lot of that up. Or “what happens if you don’t”……..

The answer to that question can be covered in a simple scare tactic: ever noticed all the guys on Facebook in their 50s who hoard women in their 20s and 30s on their friends list? Who desperately grasp for their attention my making mind-blowing compliments such as “stunning” on those women’s pics? Who practically beg them for any response as those women totally ignore them and get more and more uncomfortable from the creepy unwanted attention?

That could be your future. If you need to, save yourself before it’s too late.

More false dating-isms that guys hear

I knew I’d end up mentioning more about this subject. Not only does it fascinate me, but it’s a nice break from writing about my troubles. Continuing with where I left off before:

“Shy Guy” by Diana King/triumphant shy guy scenes in the movies. Such a feel good message, isn’t it? Sing along about how “he’s the kinda guy who’ll always be mine”. Or “Revenge of the Nerds” and watching the sweet girl with the sly smirk leading the virgin guy into the bedroom (and him returning soon a new man w/ a celebratory pipe in his mouth).

This subject really hits home with me, since my naivety about it in college became a big problem back then (read back to my first few entries of this blog for more about that). Because these things above do not actually happen often. Guys, you will usually have to make that initial ice-breaking move and first kiss with someone (or put yourself in position for it to easily happen mutually.) If you’ve never crossed the physical line with someone yet, she’s not going to tackle you on the couch first like some funny sitcom scene. If you wait for that, you’ll usually end up on the wall watching everyone else connect. Being passive just does not work (for so many reasons). And the impressive thing about media portrayal of these moments is that they get virtually everything dead wrong: you often see women being aggressive outside of the bedroom (but passive behind those doors), when the opposite is usually what really unfolds. Speaking of…

“Women want a ton of foreplay”. We’ve all seen this endlessly on TV/in the movies: a couple goes into the bedroom and slips into bed. Things are beginning. Music in the background. While she lays there patiently (and virtually flaccid), he slowly works his way around every cubic millimeter of her body (like a land surveyor taking measurements). Eventually, once a full moon has passed and the weather has changed outside, they have sex. Now, don’t get me wrong, I’m not advocating the other extreme of stereotypical impatient-let’s-be-humping-in-two-seconds guy either, of course. But like many areas of life, there is a happy medium that hits the spot (pun intended). Not only that, but that land surveyor seduction that’s supposed to get her going also leads to men overlooking the best true foreplay, which is the kiss. She will know the difference between the whole “I’m only doing this as the standard first step to get in your pants” and the real thing……if you kiss her right, that is a lot more likely to open up her deepest desires than anything else. And when this happens with someone who is ready to have sex with you and you have good physical chemistry with, it often leads to that behind-the-doors aggression and passion from her that I just mentioned. At that point, the rest of the foreplay does not last until anywhere close to the next moon!

“Women want a sensitive guy.” This one is practically a standard cliche of supposed fact. And nothing could be further from the truth. I can already see some people thinking “But I do like sensitivity! It’s a great quality”. Yes, it is…..but great qualities don’t always equate to dating interest. Sometimes this effect can be pretty severe, too. I have known many women of all different types and dispositions, but the one thing most had in common (regardless of whether things were platonic or we were dating) was this: the only time they looked at me with any disdain or discomfort was when I was expressing concern about them or the world around me. Now I’m not saying that you can’t show any emotions or heart, but there can be a fine line about it. Example: bonding with her puppy and having a soft spot for it = good. Having pictures of yourself smooching three snuggly kittens at once = a no-no. Now I realize that many people still won’t agree with me about this, but it’s what I’ve seen and experienced throughout my life. And if you don’t believe me, test it out guys. If you’re interested in someone, try either being the guy who picks her daisies while reading her poetry and talking about how you’re saving impoverished children in Uganda, or be the guy who is somewhat aloof, always keeping a little something mysterious, who (while still treating her well) challenges her some and who doesn’t wait on her hand and foot. See which leads to becoming another platonic friend, and which leads to a possible connection for more.

Ok, there’s one main one that I haven’t gotten to yet. But it’s a whopper, and I think it needs its own entry for next time.

In the meantime, I ask a small favor. It seems like I’ve acquired a few regular readers already, but I’m still new at this (so I’m not sure how comments work). I haven’t seen any left yet, and I’m curious if they’re even activated or if anything like that needs done.

So if you’re one of those other bloggers who is usually seeing my entries, I’d appreciate a quick test comment here (just to know it’s possible). Thanks!

Well known (but false) dating-isms told to guys

Clearly a never-married/no kids guy in his mid-40s is highly qualified to give these opinions, right? You might be surprised. An open mind, lots of experience over the last 20 years, and a healthy emotional state about dating does teach you a lot. And the first thing you learn is just how terrible many of the standard assumptions are. Things that boys learn from the time that they’re first chasing girls around the playground in pre-school (up until well into their adult years). It makes you wince.

Here is some of the worst advice that I’ve noticed:

“Give pretty women compliments. They love them”. Oh good lord. This one might be my favorite (especially as I notice drooling men on attractive women’s facebook pages and countless other places). I could spend an entire post tearing this apart, but suffice it to say that attractive women have heard everything in the book many times over, especially the more common compliments. It makes these words come off mostly empty and even insincere. And since they have a large dating pool of men to choose from, the last thing that’ll pique their interest is yet another guy telling them how beautiful they are. Just….don’t. If you’re interested, treat her like you would anyone else (without any regard to her appearance). Make her laugh and happily roll her eyes; be the guy who doesn’t come off desperate for her and who doesn’t do what most other men do. And if you can’t resist the urge to slip in compliments, at least make them about something other than her looks

“Women play hard to get”. No, no, and no. This does not usually happen. Not only that, but the best gauge of someone new’s interest is the ease you have in setting up some time together. If she’s dragging out possible plans or not being responsive, she isn’t playing hard to get. She’s just not that interested in going out with you. No matter how much you keep pressing about it. Which leads me to……

“Don’t let rejection stop you. Keep pursuing someone if you think it might work out.” Oh yes, the whole playing Peter Gabriel outside of someone’s window to sway their interest. Or the nauseating romantic movies where (after two hours of movie-time trying) the nerd finally gets that dream girl who never noticed him at first. Words (or even any string of emojis) cannot express the agony of seeing this attempted in real life…..for both sides. It’s quite sad how many dudes don’t realize this, but the real world is not Hollywood. A woman knows quickly if she might be interested in you. If there is mutual interest, great. But if she’s not into you…..you. will. not change. her. mind.

“Women only want guys with money.” Here we have the combination of general gold-digging assumptions (which, while it obviously happens sometimes, doesn’t occur as often as people think) along with how non-wealthy guys use this as a crutch to blame their dating failures for. Boys, it’s usually not your lack of a yacht. It’s, well, you. Most women go for guys for many reasons (good and bad) other than money.

“Always tell her how you feel.” It’s wincing time again. Guys, show someone you care. But for the love of god, keep it in moderation. Affection is great. Saying the right thing at the right time is great. But constantly fawning over her comes off way too needy and will push her away. Don’t try so hard; if there’s a good connection, just let it flow more naturally. You might screw up a good thing if you don’t.

There they are. I will now close up shop and find my bachelor dinner