Tag: relationships

“Going down the only road I’ve ever known…”

I’ve had about a week and a half now to reflect on my recent get together with someone I’m really close to (reference the entry here from then). But while meeting up with her again went as well as it could have, the days since have reaffirmed what I already expected:

My emotional capability to desire something serious with someone is still practically non-existent. If not entirely.

The only reason there’s even any doubt (about that capability) is that despite the mutual spark and connection with her, it’s likely that we’re way too different for both of us to genuinely enjoy a regular life with each other. When it comes to us, that strong “opposites attract” vibe may not be enough. So you could argue that my feeling distanced (in this spot) has just as much to do with those differences with her.

Thing is though: regardless of how ideal any match might be for me, it’s still doubtful that I could care enough to want it. Almost impossible for me to imagine a situation where I’d rather share my life than be on my own.

You might wonder if it hurts to feel that way. The answer is that it can, but not for the reason you might think:

Because it’s not the actual being alone that hurts. What DOES is the reality that I’m too emotionally removed and disinterested to enjoy the good things that come from not just a fulfilling relationship, but from life in general. When I listen to sad songs or sultry r&b or see other people living these experiences, it hurts to be reminded of how empty your life is (especially since you feel too emotionally trapped to ever change it).

Last night I was talking to a close friend about all this. She is just as ill-equipped to be in a relationship as I am, though some of the reasons for it are totally different than mine. But at least it allows us to bond with someone who’s in the same boat.

We joke about sitting on a porch someday in old people rocking chairs. All our family long gone and no SO or kids in our lives. Reminiscing about how we predicted such an outcome 30 years prior.

Cause, well: to quote something from the ’90s for once (never fear, my ’80s obsession is still intact):

“We can’t run from who we are. Our destiny chooses us”

After 10 years: different, but same

Late last year, I wrote about what was going on with someone I’d met years ago (and had unusually amazing chemistry with) and gave some other background about my past and present romantic life.

When the past (and current) you cross paths…

(Not a subject that I get into too often, but there ya go).

Well….after all that time, we finally met up again last night. Now that I just moved back out west, she only lives an afternoon’s drive from here. She was flying out of my city in the morning, so we were able to make it happen.

Would the spark still be there after all that time….especially for two people whose lives can be so unhealthy, unpredictable, and bizarre?

Yes, it was. Honestly I think I’ve aged worse physically than she has since then (which is understandable since I’m a little older than she is). But those things didn’t matter. The attraction and vibe that we had was like a couple who was crazy about each other.

Does that mean that we’ll finally look into being together? Oh dear reader, if it were only that simple. Even though we’re only a few hours away now, the logistics would still be difficult. And let’s not forget one of the things that I mentioned in the last entry about this (about how at this point, neither of us may ever be equipped for anything serious with anyone ).

So we will just have to see how things unfold. But after what just happened, we know for sure that the potential is there.

If both of us are ever capable of pursuing it…

When the past (and current) you cross paths…

Earlier this year, I wrote about something here for the first time: some of my romantic past. That entry introduced the three women in my life who something “more” would be possible with (in a more ideal world, anyway).

And in the last couple days, something has changed. But first, a quick glimpse into the “past” me:

When I was in my 20s, I was way too needy about meeting someone. This was thanks to my late bloomer status (thus wanting to catch up on “girlfriend” time that I’d missed out on during high school and college). But that permanently changed around the time I hit 30. A good thing, right?

Yep, in many respects, it was. But here was the problem: that’s also the time that I became much more empty about life in general. I went from being too needy to being a somewhat emotionless shell.

So while I enjoyed dating during my 30s and early 40s, there was never much “more” behind it. Even with those three women who I had more poignant connections with. It never felt the same as it did during my 20s, when I still had the capacity to feel something meaningful about someone.

Until now.

Something is now different with the person who I experienced movie-like electric and transcendent chemistry with (the night that we met). No, we didn’t hook up, but I think this quote from her sums it up for both of us: “(our kissing) damn near stopped my heart”. And she is so not the type to sound like that.

This is someone who I’ve spent just that one evening with in my life. That was 10 years ago. Since we’ve never lived closeby (and both our lives are usually so messed up), we’ve chatted on and off all that time, but we never managed to get together again since.

But in the last couple days, it’s become different. Things have changed from how it always was (“we know what chemistry we have, but our focus is elsewhere in life”) to our minds being on each other now. I’m not necessarily referring to being together relationshipwise; it doesn’t have THAT kind of more serious ring to it yet. Largely because we both know that we’re not ready to (or may not be able to) ever approach something like that.

Still though….this is the first time that I’ve experienced that “meaningful” factor with anyone since I was in my 20s. We both now sound somewhat smitten and ready to finally meet up again to see what happens.

Not only does it feel strange for that to happen again after all this time, but I have to be careful with it too (especially when it comes to her feelings and emotions about it). My depressive emptiness could still win out here. Since this is uncharted territory for the “me” of the last 15 years, it’s tough to tell how it will go.

Regardless of what happens though, I’m glad to have accessed that part of me again. Even if it’s just for a little while.

Because I thought that piece of me might be gone forever.

Is this really the life you want?

I may not write about the world around me all the time, but I’m always just as aware of other people’s lives as my own. Occasionally I find myself envious of the few who genuinely have a worthwhile, fulfilling existence.

Unfortunately, there aren’t a lot of those people out there. It only appears that way. Can’t tell you how many supposedly ideal white-picket fence family lives are actually a miserable struggle beneath the surface. You just don’t see that side of them too often.

A perfect example of this was a 20 year high school reunion that I went to about six years ago. It wasn’t even anywhere near my own reunion, but I was the guest of an alum and it was where many of my best college friends grew up (so I fit in even easier than some people who’d gone there).

Once drinks began to flow, a former friend of my old friends introduced herself and started hanging around. It wasn’t long before she was showering me with compliments about how “at home” I seemed at their reunion, despite how it also became apparent that we were polar opposites (she was a married mother of three who teaches in a christian school; I am a perpetually single heathen). However, this didn’t keep her from starting to announce how much she “loved me”.

And as you might guess, those announcements became more frequent and more emphatic with every drink that came our way. As did her attaching herself to me.

Did it matter that her husband was AT the reunion with us? Apparently not. She paid virtually no attention to him all night. And one thing I’ve learned over the years is that losing alcohol-related inhibitions doesn’t just have to do with things like losing yourself in the moment and having sex (which we did not do given the circumstances, despite the obvious mutual attraction).

Losing those inhibitions also shows something far more innocent, but much more important: who you actually want to be around. Whether it’s who your true friends are, or who you truly desire. I’m not going get into further details as to why she wasn’t interested in her husband; suffice it to say that the story fits well beyond how she acted that evening.

So it was clear that her short time hanging out with me was an escape. An escape from someone she didn’t really want, and probably an escape from a life that she felt uncomfortably trapped in (despite how her family life appeared so ideal on the surface).

The night ended. Nothing more than flirtation happened. I went back home the next day. We remembered the bond that was there, though: two highly different people with vastly different lives. But who still connected and shared one vital thing in common that meant more than any of that:

The need to get away from the life we’d built for ourselves. Even for just one innocent night.

Who’s behind the three doors?

One topic that I’ve never talked about here is my past love life. I say “past” because, given my current state of mind and life situation, it’s not something that I’m focused on at all. That’s been the case for a long time now; my longest relationship was two years, and that was almost 20 years ago (when I was about 25).

But since that time, I have met three people that stood out. You know, the ones where you can both tell that something unusually good might be possible. Though the reason why that’s the case is different for them all. Listed in no particular order (so that you’d have to guess who I think the best chance would theoretically be for something real) 😛 These are all women who I’m still in regular contact with all the time.

Someone I’ve only known for a few years. When we’ve hung out, it just works. In all ways…..seeming like a “couple”, physically, and being very close friends all at the same time. And I currently chat with her more than anyone else. But from the beginning, she has kept her distance for various reasons. And, of course, being who I am, I keep my distance as well. It’s just the second time in my life when someone who makes it clear (and has shown) how much they “like” me keeps me pushed away at the same time. Always an interesting dynamic.

Then, there’s the woman who I’ve spent a total of three hours with in my life since we’ve never lived in the same place (and that was 10 years ago). Yep, she is still on this list. Why? Because for both of us, it was clearly the most electric chemistry that we’ve ever experienced. To the point where we still remember it now. We also share similar views on a lot of things and connect great intellectually. But….we are so, so different. Mixing lifestyles would be a big problem. And to be honest, she can be very difficult to get along with. Being with her would be one of those relationships that always has peaks and valleys. Some love/hate. Would that volatility make the spark even stronger though? I’m not sure, especially since that type of situation has never been my style.

And finally, there’s the friend who’s just like me. The one where it seems like you’ve known her since she was in pigtails (even though it’s been for like the last 15 years), and things have always been just platonic. When she “indulges”, shall we say, I always hear how I am her soulmate. Despite the fact that she’s been in a loveless marriage for many, many years (that’s always a fun snag, eh). She is the wildcard here. Because with the others, I’ve experienced the mutual attraction and physical chemistry. But in this case, I don’t even know if either of us would ever cross that line to find that out. Part of me could see it making sense, but the other part isn’t sure if we’d be feelin’ it. But when you have such a bond with someone, then you can’t help but be curious.

By now you may be wondering “do you think something more serious will ever develop with any of these women? Are you going to find out?” If I’m being honest, the answer is that I doubt it. It’s possible, but you definitely couldn’t count on it. And the main reason why is fairly sad.

Despite all of the differences I’ve mentioned among the three, there is one detail that we all share (including myself):

Being badly damaged. Not from heartbreak, but for so many other reasons.

Broken souls may find each other, but it’s very difficult for them to mesh into something real.

Especially when so much of life is behind you.