A different flavor

No ups and no downs for this entry. Just some insights: some things I’m good at, and some things I’m not. Some things I like, and some things I don’t.

Things I’m good at:

  • writing (so obvious eh) and grammar
  • sports
  • numbers/math/odds
  • understanding people, including self-awareness
  • well thought-out comebacks
  • being rational
  • public speaking (which you’d never guess from my day to day demeanor)

Things I’m not:

  • dancing
  • arts and crafts
  • science
  • lightning quick comebacks
  • deep connections with other people
  • just letting loose without a care in the world
  • keeping a consistently strong work ethic

Things I like:

  • warm weather and the beach
  • 80’s music, 90’s R&B, EDM (especially trip hop), guilty pleasure soft rock
  • sleeping as late as I want
  • the night
  • long phone conversations
  • people who are ok with change and being wrong
  • that extra tasty edge on your prime rib

Things I don’t like:

  • cold weather and the snow
  • country and gospel music
  • drivers who come up quickly in the right lane with nowhere to go
  • extremist political ideals
  • wearing wet socks
  • forgetting where I parked my train of thought
  • the mental torment from loving amusement parks but hating the long lines

How about you?

California dreamin’….

I’ve never really talked here about what life was like during my past successful times. And it’s a bit painful to relive (compared to how things are now). But once I heard the seagulls during the bridge of “The Boys of Summer” a few minutes ago, I couldn’t help but reflect on it.

Another flashback now: this time to 2005. I was ready to make the move that I hoped would define the rest of my life: to a beachfront condo in southern California. I’d always lived in colder climates and never liked them, and I’d loved the beach since I was a little kid. Had just turned 30 and had all of the surface things about life in order: my physical health, my career freedom, the financial fruits of that freedom, and many years in front of me. And it was time to finally reward myself for everything I’d earned. I’d spent the prior year planning on and off for that big move, and everything was finally ready to go.

My flight landed. I got a new car for Cali. The world should have been my oyster.

Two years later, I had left. Not much left but a mess of frustration, new life issues, and confusion about what to do next.

What…..the….hell…..happened, right?

I can blame some of it on the choice to get that nice condo. It made sense in the beginning since that was the kind of thing I’d always wanted, but that meant that most of my neighbors were a good bit older and the complex was way too quiet. I knew very few people in California before I moved, so my social life would have been entirely different if I’d lived somewhere surrounded by 20 and 30 somethings.

But that was just one of the problems. And definitely not the main one (cause let’s face it, if I really wanted to meet new people, I could have put some more effort into it and improved my social life some).

What REALLY happened? Depression still mostly ruled. At my core, I didn’t have it in me to be happy, so I didn’t try to much (even while otherwise living a daily existence that most people would’ve traded anything for). And I still don’t. As anyone who’s read much of my blog knows, that issue hasn’t changed in the 15 years since.

You can imagine how that felt. To have to move on from your life dream, simply because you didn’t have the emotional health to hold on to it. It still stings.

I should clarify that that result wasn’t a huge shock to me; it’s not like I didn’t know my psychological state at the time. And I totally knew that the whole “money can’t buy you happiness” cliche was true, so that wasn’t why I made the move and rewarded myself materially for the first time either. I guess I just hoped that somehow I’d find a way to start enjoying life, especially given such a backdrop for it. Unfortunately that did not happen.

So everyone reading…..if you have these chances for that possible new life that you’ve always wanted (regardless of the details), don’t hesitate to go for it. You’ll always wonder what might’ve been if you don’t.

But if you do take that plunge, be ready deep down to enjoy it. Because even though what ifs really suck, losing your dream is probably even worse.

That killer (lack of) focus

As I sit here at around midnight in the dark, I’ve been thinking about just how damaging one of my issues has been to my past, present, and future: the great difficulty that my depression-burdened mind has in keeping focus sometimes. In all ways, big and small. Daily life to long-term, and everything in between.

There are the minor ways that it happens. Like not remembering to do a certain task or not clearing your mind enough to get some work done. But then, there are the more damaging times. Especially for someone in my work fields who wants to permanently regain his successful edge so much.

One Monday early last summer, the stock market rebounded strongly from a lot of recent selling. As the following Tuesday afternoon unfolded, I should have noticed that an unusually great trading opportunity was now in front of me (as all of my past experience was screaming that things should continue well higher for the rest of the week).

As you might guess, these spots don’t come up often (if they did, it’d be way too easy to make a killing in these shark-filled financial markets). So when they happen, you have to be ready to strike quickly and decisively. But I didn’t think about it until way too late, and thus did nothing about it. There was no excuse for missing it. And yes, the market did just as I expected for those next few days (which was all I needed).

Had I taken advantage of this, it would have been a life-changer. It was one of those rare spots when not only were you dead on, but the timing and current market forces of everything aligned just right to maximize the potential of it. As close as possible to the perfect trade.

But now, all I can do is grit my teeth and hope that a similar opportunity shows up before too long (and that I’m capitalized enough to take advantage if it does). And even then, there’s obviously no guarantee it will work out as well. Or even at all. Even your best trades can only put the odds in your favor; nothing is even close to foolproof. Sometimes it just doesn’t work out, and sometimes new news will derail things. So I certainly can’t assume that I can replicate what would’ve happened last June, especially at this stage in life.

Regardless of any of that though, my focus still needs to improve about everything else in life too. From top to bottom. A better diet and more regular routines would help some, but it’s so difficult to find the energy and desire. Making yourself care enough (for lack of a better term) isn’t something that you can just conjure out of thin air.

For the first time, I think I will ask for some input here from my (few) regular readers. Have any of you dealt with these type of conundrums? Did you figure out any legit new habits that helped your mind power through depressive hazes?

Other new middle-aged fun

Flashback to sometime in 2013. A good buddy and a more youthful looking 38 year old me were out somewhere one night. We were talking about how we had maybe 5 to 7 years left to look and feel, well, “young”.

My friends, that time has come.

In the years since that conversation, my skin (while still youthful) has gotten worse. I now have the torso of a guy in his 50s. And it’s already become more difficult to stay in decent condition.

During that interim, I hadn’t even changed my dating/sex life habits much yet. It was still possible to attract a wide age range of the women I’d like to; in a period of a few months, I might hook up with both a 22 year old and a 42 year old. Now, as you can imagine, that has changed. You know it’s inevitable at some point, but it’s still not something you look forward to.

Like this afternoon, for example. I ride down the elevator with the neighbor across the hall. She is in her mid 20s, and both sweet and cute as could be. And I can tell that she doesn’t look at me the same as someone similar might have 5-10 years ago.

And then the best part lately: at my grandmother’s visitation recently, I pull up in the car with my mother and roll down the window. A guy from the funeral home walks up and asks “are you the son?”

Ouch.

Now, mind you, given the youthful facial genes that I’m fortunate to have, he should never have even considered that I could be the son of a 91 year old. Especially since my gray hair is still very modest for 45; it’s going to be awhile before I even reach salt-n-pepper status. But still….for that to even come out of his mouth. Good god.

Sooo to everyone in their 20s and 30s reading this: enjoy it and take advantage. It seems like you’ll be a fairly young adult for a crazy long time, but believe me, it’ll end faster than you think.

More pulling hair out….

The first month of this year has been spent continuing the same type of failure and losses that have plagued me for so many years now. And every time it becomes worse, it doesn’t get any easier.

This is one of the worst possible times for me to stay stuck in my destructive mindset. In addition to all of the upcoming change that I’ve mentioned in recent posts, I will also be receiving some inheritance from my grandmother soon. She was 91 and passed away about two weeks ago.

While this was yet another life lost around me in a relatively short period of time (so much sadness in my family lately), the help to my finances changes what I might be able to accomplish if I’d keep my head on straight. It’s not a huge life-changing amount of money otherwise, but it still provides me with enough new capital to begin going after an opportunity that I’ve been monitoring for awhile now. One that would begin later this year.

It gives me yet another chance to build back some success long-term. One that I don’t deserve and did not earn, but one that still badly needs taken advantage of.

The ideal situation would be to spend the next 6 to 8 months getting ready for everything that’s to come in my next life phase (moving to a new city, finding a new job, other family issues, and plenty more). There’s so much to do that you could just lose yourself in a haze of preparation, change, and self-improvement for that entire time. Just suppress that sabotage-laced nagging need to force new success ASAP with my trading and advantage gambling, and wait wait wait until I’m (for once) much more ready psychologically to do so.

Last year I bought a few books on willpower and other subjects related to my demons. They have just sat here unopened. No clue if anything in them will actually help, but at least it’d be starting some new habits to move forward toward doing SOMETHING with self-therapy attempts.

Now is the time.

New…..most things

I wasn’t expecting to write any of the typical New Year’s blab. Expected to just sit here, feel all the typical things I normally would, and then try to sleep it off.

Then something unexpected happened. At around 30 minutes til midnight, it hit me that this wasn’t just a bad year….it was a bad decade. Was around 2010 when I last experienced any continued and meaningful success, and when my life trajectory started consistently downward for the first time.

You would’ve thought that that realization would’ve just made the last half hour of said decade that much worse. But oddly enough, it didn’t. For no reason whatsoever, I started to sense a little more hope than I usually do. So instead of turning off the world even more and letting the tears well up as many other people celebrated, I sat here feeling like I’d gotten another wake-up call about life.

Feels strange. I don’t know how I will react to it going forward (if at all). But it’s a welcome relief from the blanket of hopelessness that I’m too often covered with. Regardless of how long it lasts.

It ends just as it began

As we come to the end of one of the most very difficult years ever, the frustrations have built to a fever pitch. Ever felt like you just need to let out a raging yell in the middle of nowhere? I guess some people try to do that by writing here. One thing I’ve noticed from blogging this year is that many people are doing it for the same reason I am; the only real positive, uplifting post I’ve written this year got the least number of views. That’s so sad in itself. There are a few people who seem to have read the most this year, and I hope they are faring well (hi Fractured Faith!)

Even though this outlet hasn’t helped me change anything yet, sometimes it still feels good to write. I’m not someone who vents publicly on facebook or anywhere else, so this anonymous release is all I’ve had.

I’m going to end this year like I started it, and spent most of it: sitting at my place alone. I could go out with a longtime friend for NYE, but she lives almost four hours away. I’d barely have the desire to drive four minutes to be social at the moment, much less four hours.

Near the end of picking up all the baseball cards I’ve wanted to get. Even getting back into those, which is one of the few things that’s put a smile on my face anymore, seems to have its perils (especially since I’m only doing it as a collector this time rather than a dealer). It, like most collectible hobbies, just isolates you that much more. The last thing I need.

And like all of us, already thinking of the new beginnings you hope for this time of year (especially this time, since many life fixes need urgent attention this year). When I bought a few more cards this evening, I reminded myself just how different I treat that task when compared to how destructive I can often be with my finances. I’ll scope for the best deals, be (somewhat) patient, and value every few dollars I spend. Which is the exact opposite of what happens when I get destructive with my trading and betting…….when you pass up some cards over $15 but throw caution to the wind with $15,000 market trades, that naturally makes you shake your head.

This is just one example of how my good habits mix with my bad, how the bad habits often trump the good, and how I need to find a way to streamline my emotions and psyche to approach all of my money risks in the same manner as the card buying.

Can that be done? And even if some of my bad habits can be dealt with that way, will I care enough and have the willpower to stick through it?

I guess we will see. Either next year, in 10 years, or whenever my troublesome life ride starts to change even more for the better or worse

More holiday (and general) family fun….

In all of my mentions of being emotionally distanced from family in this blog, I’ve only really mentioned my own characteristics (related to how that ends up being the case). But there is much, much more to it than that.

While I probably would’ve felt the same way about most things regardless (just from how I simply am), my family’s actions often alienate me that much more. Many of the things I could overlook, but there’s main factor that has, and always will be, front and center. And this one can’t be dismissed:

All of them (all of my blood, anyway) only think about what they want. And beyond that, they are virtually incapable of even putting themselves in anyone else’s shoes either. Naturally this leads to very high levels of selfishness and very low levels of empathy and awareness of what’s best for those around them.

I’ve dealt with this my entire life (though I was never really aware of how things really were until I was an adult, because you’d never know that they were like this on the surface). Because it’s not like I was ever abused, neglected, or anything similar. But once I started to look back on things long ago, I realized that everything about my life was always structured around what my parents wanted, and that they were never really paying attention to what meant the most to me. And I’m not talking about getting me whatever I wanted or anything like that; just referring to a general awareness of what made me tick, and what was best for my life. The kind of thing that way too many parents just don’t do.

And the worst par is that they THINK that they DO give unconditional support and that they only think of me. Try telling a parent who’s always been a part of their kid’s life that they’re actually only thinking about themselves the entire time, and see how far you get in opening up some dialogue to get them to understand and attempt improving the situation. You won’t get anywhere. I’ve tried.

Why am I bringing this up now? Because mom knows that I may want to move back to my “home” city this spring (across the country). And just a few moments ago, I already started getting the guilt trip of “do you have any bombshells for me before the visits over”, etc etc. Obviously I understand that it will be difficult for her to have me move further away again, but I can’t sacrifice myself entirely either. Compromises can be worked out that won’t make my new situation that much different than the current one (in recent years, I’ve lived about a two hour drive away). I want to figure out the best solution for everyone.

Balance. Neither selfishness nor selflessness. It’s how I’ve always tried to function, but it’s how no one else in my family ever has. It’s exhausting.

And just once, I’d like to hear mom say something like “while I would obviously love to have you as close as possible, I understand that you have to do what’s best for your life too.” Rather than having anything and everything, 100% of the time, be seen only from her viewpoint and what she wants (while only seeing the negatives and fighting me every step of the way whenever we don’t see eye to eye).

That will never happen though. But at least there’s this: while I have my many faults, it’s taught me that much more to always strive for that aforementioned balance in my life between myself and the others around me. If your elders never remind you of what you should do, you may has well get the usage of being reminded what NOT to

Christmas then and now

Naturally this Christmas was a little rough. But beyond my dad being gone, so many other things in this house I grew up in are a reminder of a better time.

  • The holder for fireplace logs. It hasn’t been right next to the fireplace for a long time, because no one would ever think to build a fire anymore
  • The space between the two recliners. Had a Christmas tree every year until last year. Now our tree is just this one foot tall version on the mantel that I got to replace the usual one
  • The lack of presents, stockings, most other Christmas decorations. Anywhere. Compared to the typical scene when I was growing up
  • People on Christmas Eve. Used to be a gathering here every year. That ended about 10 years ago. Now we go to a different family friend each year for that, but I’m always the only person under 130 years old there, and it’s not the same at all. The eves here were a celebration; the eves now are about holding on and trying to smile about anything possible
  • The prior magic of coming downstairs as a kid every Christmas morning. Obviously that ends for everyone before too long, but then there’s often a new generation to replace it. Not a part of my life, though.

And the thing is, it’s not experiencing those memories that I miss that much (especially anything related to family and friends; anyone who’s read much of my blog has seen how distanced I am from that sort of emotional attachment).

What I do miss is how life had so much more hope, future, and happiness. Not just for me, but everyone else around too. And that’s just not there anymore. It’s like I’ve reached the life stage of a hapless old man who can only look back. At just age 45.

Reflections from a city’s downtown

Yesterday afternoon, I had to go downtown for awhile. And as you often do in the city, I would occasionally see a homeless person pass by. I always hate to see people (or animals, or any sentient beings) in a situation where they might be regularly struggling for food or shelter. But as someone who has been fortunate enough to never want for any of those basics, it wasn’t easy to relate or think of yourself in their shoes for very long.

Until lately.

As I enter this new stage of life, I’m reminding myself more and more how dangerous and costly my destructive habits could be to my future. Sure I’ve mentioned them at length in this blog and the major issues I could continue to have, but I’ve never really touched on just how severe my fall could end up being at some point.

In my past, current, and (unless I can change enough) future state of mind, I am capable of losing everything. Both psychologically and materially. It hasn’t happened yet because I can still bank on my past success and my family when I need to. But give this another 10,20, 30 years…..and sometime down the line, all of that could run out. And this is coming from someone who has spent most of his life supporting himself with his knowledge of finance and risking money. But if you don’t have the discipline to follow through with what you know, those skills become almost useless in the end.

Between all of that and the distance I keep from family and friends, it gives me visions of being desolate and alone on the streets in my 50s or 60s. Scary, scary stuff. Can’t imagine having to go through that, and it’s tough to think that I’d have the willpower to fight it and survive.

But that possibility is out there looming, and it couldn’t be more real. And if that thought doesn’t get me to turn life around in time, then I don’t know what will.