Tag: failure

What do you dream about?

This time I’m talking about actual nighttime dreams (rather than life hopes). Sadly, mine are often as much of a struggle as my life itself. There are a handful that happen on a regular basis, and it’s not too tough to figure out why I have them:

Trying to control a car from a distance. So bizarre. It’s like I have a slight two-dimensional view of what I’m driving in before long, and am trying to guide the car remotely. Usually a bad crash in the making.

Reason: My fear of being in a horrible car wreck that’s mostly out of my control

Being back in school (high school or college) and not having assignments done. Leading to feeling like I’m not going to graduate and other issues. I probably have this one more often than any other, and strangely it’s the one without a very strong reason for it, because I never stressed about any of those things back then. I did leave grad school without getting my degree, but I’ve never cared about that either.

Reason: this is the only dream that I really have to speculate. The best answer I can come up is how I’m not comfortable with my lack of work ethic and tendency to procrastinate until the last minute to do tasks (and that even though I never got burned doing that in school, my concern about those habits being a big problem are manifesting this other way in my dreams)

Starting out at a dorm in college. This one is more recent and is happening more and more. I often know that I am actually in my mid 40s as I have this dream (and how weird it is to be back in a dorm), but that still doesn’t stop me from hoping that it will work out. Things don’t get too far before I wake up.

Reason: Hello midlife crisis and wanting to go back to the good years.

Checking a stock portfolio (on AOL, because that was the time period when I was usually trading securities instead of other financial instruments, right after I graduated from college.) Sometimes the stocks are doing well, and sometimes they aren’t. But I’m usually feeling good about the overall picture in this dream. Only to eventually wake up to my sad reality of the last dozen years: that there IS no portfolio anymore.

Reason: An obvious one. Longing for my past days of success in the market

And now, my trademark dream. Also the one that has haunted me for the longest:

Struggling to get somewhere or to escape someone who’s after me. This one is fairly frequent and it’s always on foot. The locations are places like malls or being in my hometown (these never seem to involve my many years living in big cities). Sometimes it’s like I’m a kid again, but often I’m an adult in these dreams. And I never get where I need to be before I wake up.

Reason: I’ve never found what I needed to have the right life, and am still struggling to.

Rings so, so true

Deep struggles return, part 2

The last couple days have just been filled with catching my breath after the awful week that I just wrote about. You know what’s just as bad as once again losing too much of your wealth, pride, and future options?

How it makes you feel so down about life again.

Even though my prior upswing wasn’t really earned, it still helps a lot to just feel better about something going well again. You play more upbeat music. You look forward to the next day. You smile more.

And you have more hope.

Now, that’s stripped away again for the time being (at minimum). Things will be a lot more stressful and questionable in the upcoming months too. It won’t be easy to hold on, and I’m not sure if I will. Every day could be a ticking time bomb. You just don’t know which one it will be.

Until you’re busy hitting rock bottom again.

And back to the deep struggles…

Late last night, my demons finally won out again for the first time in awhile. I had a very big setback and ate a huge loss. As usual, the kind of thing that there was absolutely no excuse for.

The bad news is that a lot of the large recent post-inheritance gains are now gone, which basically functioned as an unexpected early boost to my new-life work capital and as a nice cushion for starting life over again soon . And the chances of making that back anytime soon are very slim.

The good news is that I can still follow through with those life-changing plans and work for myself again, although now that situation just got more tenuous. The money that I expected to use for that is still there.

Also….as difficult as this latest huge setback and failure is to take, there’s a factor that makes it easier to stomach: I shouldn’t have even had so much extra already to begin with, because most was made by just getting lucky in the very short term. If I’d given up a lot of hard work where I “earned” it doing things the right way, that would be different. But that wasn’t what was going on lately. My market trading has been off in recent days, and I simply got lucky for awhile doing other stupid shit to make up for it.

Obviously that doesn’t excuse what happened last night, but it’s still how my mind sees the overall picture. And at the moment, I need to stay as positive as possible to keep from completely falling apart and ruining my future again.

So, where does that leave things going forward? First are foremost, STOP the latest downhill avalanche here. Especially since my career freedom is likely still at stake. Find some solace in how I’ve acquired a valuable sports card collection (which I don’t plan on selling much of regardless, but still). Take that collection, my inheritance, and the small gains from it that are still left, and prepare to move later this summer. FORGET what just happened. Or at least keep it from affecting future decisions.

Life would be so much easier if I wasn’t a wreck…..

The continued quest for freedom

I’ve talked some in recent months about having to juggle the various career options that will soon be in front of me. But I’ve never really mentioned just how much I want to lean toward working on my own again.

For those who know me, that is no surprise. I’ve never been the 9 to 5 type, because that means dealing with…..well, people. And more importantly, bosses. While I’ve always gotten along well with anyone around me in an office environment, the people thing still isn’t for me.

And, well, bosses. Probably shouldn’t even get started. Do I have a problem with authority? You could say so. But it’s not because I can’t handle being told what to do; it’s because so many human beings with power don’t have the character qualities necessary to handle it well enough. And I’m not the type who can easily sit back and let poor treatment just roll off my back.

The other main reason that the real work world isn’t for me is that the strengths of my skill set are perfect for making a living on my own. Unfortunately, as anyone who’s read this blog knows, my faults can just as easily destroy that advantage. Still, it’s always felt like that balancing act is what’s meant for me. Always will be.

So, the good news lately is that I’ve made some strides toward having that freedom again. Recent weeks have been very helpful. And I actually should have done a good bit better; a great trading opportunity wasn’t nearly capitalized on enough. But, the reason for that is that this particular trade was more of a gamble worth taking (as opposed to something where I had a safer advantage). Given my current situation, I felt like I needed to play it more conservatively. Should have done that in a different way that allowed for more upside, though.

As you can see, my world is still an ever-changing mess of ebbs and flows, ups and downs.

Also still have too many of my destructive urges. I’ve battled through them (and, at times, gotten away with them) lately, but that still doesn’t make it ok. I HAVE to find a way to have consistently better discipline. Just being so-so that way won’t cut it. Especially since I have a little more to lose now than I did not too long ago.

The life doors I need to get through aren’t open yet, but now they’ve been unlocked and cracked again. And it’s up to me to take advantage of this (likely) final chance to get through them.

Because I can’t afford to fail one last time. Either financially or psychologically

Back and forth

That describes how my psychological state continues to be. Per usual, it’s not in more extreme manic ways. But it’s still enough to keep me off balance and unsure about whether or not I’ll ever turn things around.

More “per usual”: for awhile, I’ll tame my demons. Avoid making damaging financial mistakes. But then I’ll make more typical decisions that drag me back down. Overall, it hasn’t been bad for the last month. So at least there’s that. But unless I can stop the bad habits, it’ll only be a matter of time before new lows happen again.

In the meantime, my sports card collection has become a force. As a nest egg, as a much-needed enjoyable lifetime hobby, and as an outlet for funds that would likely be wasted otherwise. It’s come together exactly as I’d hoped so far, and it’s even appreciated some in value already (which I didn’t expect to happen so quickly).

That’s the good news. The bad news is that even if I do start buying/selling cards as a side business, most of the current collection won’t be for sale. So it also restrains my financial freedom going forward.

Which is especially important since I’m still not sure if I’ll get a new 9 to 5 (or count on the remainder of my inheritance to fund the ventures that I mentioned in prior entries). Or even if many of those will be possible, now that my target city may never be the same.

But the thing is: even though it may not be possible to make it there anymore, there isn’t much downside to finding out at the moment. Even without much of a parachute. Because at this point in our COVID society, how likely is it to find the type of white collar job that I’d need anytime soon? My lease extension runs out in two months, and there won’t be many options yet by then.

Sooo that likely means that late this summer, I’ll just pack up and head….oops, almost said the direction. Even though at this point, there’s more reason to doubt if it can work out. But I may has well find out.

Because it feels like there’s not much to lose anymore.

Back to the title

The title of this blog, that is.

My entries have gotten away from one of the main reasons why I started writing to begin with: the effect that entering middle-age is having on me.

And this has not been a good night.

I see some friends talking about their children entering the same university this fall that I went to. One who was a very good friend there. But that didn’t really cause any problems. Until I combined it with putting on this ambient music mix a little bit ago. The type you would hear in the background at a posh lounge.

Even though that’s never been my atmosphere, it still hit home to think about it. Because it reminds me of youth. Of life. Of energy with people. Of enjoying the world. Of losing yourself in the moment.

All of the things I don’t have anymore, and much that I wasted away when I could’ve had them. When you combine that with having to rebuild every part of your life at 45, then the hopeless feelings just take over again.

Until tonight, I’d been more focused lately on the hope of moving on with some meaning for the future. Now, I can’t shake how unlikely it seems for that to actually happen. When you have to start over from basically the ground up (at this age), there’s just too much to overcome and not enough energy, desire, or years to get it done. In time to matter, anyway.

And out of all the other depressed and damaged people I know, virtually all of them have something to live for. Family, a significant other, friends, or especially their children. As I’ve expressed before, so little of that barely matters at all to me.

It’s much tougher to battle on when there are none of those things to keep you going. All I know is that it’s a good thing I’d never be suicidal, regardless of what happens.

What does all that mean? That I’ll probably just stay trapped.

Locked endlessly in the prison that my own mind and choices have created.

Self-therapy, part 2. Finding happiness, and the main barrier with starting that journey

First….yep, I finally added an image to my thumbnail. And yes, it took forever. But hey, at least it was less than a year 😛

Now, onto business.

Yesterday I mentioned how the only chance to salvage the second half of my life was to learn how to be ok with happiness. You can also include making substantial progress with the other aspects of my depression; that goes without saying.

This would be a very difficult and long road for anyone. But in my spot, there’s something else that may need resolved before I can even get very far. And the problem is, this may be an issue that doesn’t have a very good solution:

Becoming successful again with my career and finances. Or, at least recovering much of what I lost to start with.

I know that the general reaction to that will be “but much of life, success, and happiness isn’t about money!” Yes, that is usually true. But you have to understand how my entire adulthood has been centered around supporting myself that way. It’s not about having lots of actual $; it’s about how this a core part of my identity, and always will be. Not to mention the pride that goes along with succeeding at being your own boss.

So as long as I have failed in that aspect of life, I will continue to feel like I’ve failed overall. And could you really find happiness with that always lingering in the back of your mind?

If building success back the “right” way was going to take, say, just a few years, then I could manage that. But there lies the problem: my current lack of opportunities make that highly unlikely. This I’ve discussed before, and it presents a major barrier (not just for my finances, but even moreso for my state of mind). Because while I’m ok with having some patience, I’m not alright with grinding away until I’m 65 to come full circle.

This means that I may have to still take some bigger chances. I emphasize MAY, because I’ll have to think some more about whether or not it’s worth it (and the consequences if that wouldn’t work out).

These wouldn’t be the same hopeless larger risks (done for just a high) that I referred to in my last entry. It would be about focused, realistic chances to land just the bigger score(s) necessary. And then if that happens, returning to the “right” ways overall and entering my rebuilding phase with a clear conscience.

It would have to be with my financial market trading, because advantage gambling with an edge (in the current environment) has to be much more of a slow build for my situation. I’m sure you’re not surprised that the casinos don’t make it possible to intelligently crush them for large amounts overnight.

The good news is that if I go that route, I have the ability to find trades with incredible short-term potential. The bad news is that I missed out on two amazing ones in just the last year (one of which I blogged about), and they aren’t easy at all to come up with. So I may have already missed the boat. I can’t count on replicating those results anytime soon.

But I still may have to give it a shot.

The lone person who might understand…

I’ve told plenty of stories about how gaining and losing success is not something most people relate to. And how the particular way it happened to me is an even more unique path. One that even experienced therapists couldn’t put a finger on. Sometimes I feel entirely alone in that world.

But there IS one exception.

I once read a story about an extremely successful pro sports bettor who had begun supporting himself that way sometime in the 1970s. By the time he was in his 40s, he had a net worth of almost 10 million dollars. Was already starting to put his kids through college. I’m sure he felt like he was living the dream, and always would.

Then came the 1985 World Series. And that was when his life changed.

The St Louis Cardinals were playing the Kansas City Royals, and the Cardinals were a 2 to 1 favorite to win the series. This gentleman wagered $2 million to profit $1 million on the Cardinals. Notice the first parallel here to my story? No one should ever risk 20% of their net worth on a bet like that. Or even close. I imagine that he was too blinded by his past profits to care enough about making those kinds of mistakes. Something I know quite well. Continuing on:

St Louis won 3 of the first 4 games. For those who aren’t familiar with American sports, the World Series is the best of 7 (meaning that you keep playing games until one team has won four times). So, the Cardinals were one win away from the title. And that was despite one of their key players suffering a fluke injury early in the series. So, while this guy had risked too much on the Cardinals, he had a really good chance of getting away with it this time.

They lost Game 5. Then, in Game 6, the Cards were ahead 1-0 going to the bottom of the 9th inning. Three outs away. And that was when one infamous moment in time changed everything:

Kansas City’s first hitter should have been out, but a terrible call by the umpire left him safe at first base. That call is still talked about to this day in the baseball world.

KC came back and won the game 2-1. Then they destroyed the Cardinals in game 7, winning the title. And costing that bettor an agonizing $2 million loss. But hey, despite all that, he still had a net worth of $8 million. Time to move on, try and get past it, learn from your mistake, and so on, right?

Well, the guy never recovered.

When he was interviewed about all of this about 10 years later, he was in the basement of a modest house with baseball games on everywhere. Trying to paste together some new success a thousand bucks or two at a time. Wondering if he was ever going to have enough capital again. How he’d pay back borrowed money. His kids were trying to be as supportive as they could (not financially, but any other way possible). They had so much appreciation for what he’d done for them growing up, but now their dad hadn’t been the same person for a long time.

And they didn’t know if he ever would be. Once things turned downhill, his bad habits trumped his skills from then on. The overbetting that used to help his results was now a highly destructive problem (as it always will be at some point, no matter how good you are). It didn’t matter how talented he was at his craft, or how many years he’d done so well in the past.

Now that I’ve been in the same boat for such a long time, I wish I could find that story again. Can’t even see a trace of it on the internet. He’s the only person I’ve ever read about who so closely mirrors my own strengths/weaknesses and rise/fall.

I’d love to talk to him. Let him know that I get it. Hear the rest of his story. Find out if he ever got things turned around.

Before it’s too late for me to do the same.

Living with regret. But what about dying with it?

I recently wrote about how the “new” world we live in had taken my mind down an uncomfortable path that just wasn’t usually me. A little while ago, that continued to happen.

After a bad dream just now (one that was like my norm in some ways, but had a couple new twists to it), I woke up thinking a lot more about mortality than I usually would. But it’s not from a fear of dying from COVID; it mostly stems from seeing all the pictures and stories about it lately, and wondering if something very grim could be happening for the world’s near and distant future.

As I’ve mentioned too often in the past, I have been living with enough regret to fill a novel. And how the doubt that I’ll ever conquer the issues that caused that regret (combined with how I’m just not the type that can easily let the past go, especially while my current life is such a disappointment) means that I could easily be taking a ton of baggage to my grave.

I can’t imagine what it would be like to feel that way. On your deathbed, alone. Being unable to shake the thought that your life, which was always an emotional struggle during the best times anyway, peaked in your early 30s. And after that, failure overtook most things from that point on.

That you let SO much potential go to waste before long. If I listed what I’ve accomplished in my life at some point…..from sports to academics to career…..you wouldn’t even believe it was the same person who writes this blog today.

But that despite those strengths and abilities, you weren’t strong enough to battle through the bad habits, the weakness, the unhappiness, and so many other demons. That too often, you barely even made a dent in those. Despite having a very long time to find a way to.

And that in the end, the world got the best of you.

Misery does “not” love company

While I realize how that title cliche…without my adjustment, of course….. partially implies that some unhappy people want others to be miserable too (to feel better about themselves), I have never agreed with the other interpretation that miserable people want to actually be around other miserable ones. IME, those who are unhappy and depressed are more likely to push others away (either directly or indirectly). And personally, I am never comfortable with my issues or any negativity adversely affecting others.

Back when I was doing well in my career, this wasn’t quite as much of a problem. Some of us few people who earn a living at either financial market trading or advantage gambling tend to meet each other eventually at some point. It’s a fairly unique (and very difficult) combination skillset, mindset, and knowledge mix that most don’t possess, and so there’s an underlying respect for anyone who can support themselves that way.

Unless you mess it up, that is.

You see, my friends from that walk of life have not dealt with most of my problems and failures. They may not have the most healthy overall mindset and ways of enjoying their daily existence (even the ones who are married with kids), but at least they are still able to keep their edge. Both careerwise and overall in life.

So when I started to have my worst times in recent years (the ones that, for the first time, I haven’t been able to dig out of), that made the rest of my life worse as well. Beyond anything financially. Not only was there the hurt of losing what I had, but there’s also the shame of being the only failure among my mix of friends and confidants in the trading/advantage gambling world.

I’m not one who spends much time concerned about what others think of me, but this was an exception to that rule. Losing the respect of those uniquely successful people is a hit to your pride. And while only one of them has ever really shown that he thinks less of me now than he did a dozen years ago (and that one, ironically, is by far the least skilled of them all), I know that they’re all thinking it.

How could they not? After all, I am the ONLY one out of that circle who isn’t still a successful person with a better life. The only one who became a screwup. The only one who doesn’t have the freedom to do what he wants anymore.

As you can imagine, that has just fueled my loner tendencies that much more. I barely keep in touch with any of those guys lately. Not only because of the shame and embarrassment, but because I’m not part of their world nearly as much now. They’re the ones still plugging away to make a nice living, while I’m still mostly back at square one.

It’s yet another part of my life that’s worse than it used to be. This downward spiral has taken so, so much.

The only question now is: how much of this lost life can I ever manage to get back?