future – Mister A’s domain

Conflicted

As I continue with the same struggles that have haunted me for so many years, it’s become even more clear that the imbalances of my life have led to me becoming conflicted with so many this-or-that choices.

And that just stretches the current mid-life crisis further and further as I go.

For a lot of people my age, these life paths have been mostly defined by this time. At this point you have a family, a house, and a (at least somewhat steady) career. Your life has purpose and the future is pretty well defined: the kids are growing up and every day involves managing all these different parts of your existence. Before you know it, they’ll leave the nest. And it may be time for one of your parents to move in, etc etc.

And you know the drill from there. Becoming grandparents, retiring, and eventually fading off into the sunset together (or with your kids taking care of you during those golden years).

But is any of that part of my present or future? Those who have read many of these entries know the answer to that.

Here, there is nothing but present (and likely future) conflict:

Do I focus more on taking care of my mother or taking care of myself? We are so different that I can’t do both. And this always has a large impact on what geographic location I’m living in, which is a big factor to me.

Do I accept how disconcerted I feel about my present and future (and how that leads to me finding elusive happiness and tranquility in thinking about the past too much)? Or do I release that pleasant crutch and battle harder to find more to live for in present (like those “normal” people I described about with full lives). Which would probably be better for my chances of repairing my future, but also deprive me of one of the few current joys I have in life?

Am I really ready to stay here in my target city at the moment, or is it necessary to wait until either retirement age or until I’ve somehow gotten past enough of my demons?

And then, maybe the most important one:

Can I accept my prior and current failures enough to go down the best path for possible future success?

As you can imagine, it’d be enough of a challenge just to solve one of these problems. Much less all of them being front and center at the same time.

The struggle is real.

Letting go of the past

Yep I’ve talked some about this before, but it needs its own entry.

Awhile back, I was talking with a good friend about solving some of my issues. He reminded me that even though I’ve always been a finance guy, I’m not the type who lives for material things. And we mentioned that the most important thing to me is having my own freedom (especially with work).

Or so we thought.

As I’ve entered into this latest stage of life, it’s become even more obvious that there’s something else that I’m still treating as a clearly higher priority. And it’s not good:

Trying to completely get back the success I used to have, and as quickly as possible.

My actions lately are the proof in the pudding. Here I am, finally back in the location I want to be and with the chance to have that freedom again (at least for now). But unfortunately, the main driving force for those actions has still been a fairly quick cure for the pain of lost success. And that simply won’t work, because it’s impossible to achieve that again for a long time (if ever) in my current situation without taking huge risks that will likely lead to more self-destruction and the loss of my career freedom again.

And given how I’m now more hell-bent than ever about never having a 9 to 5 job again, there’s a lot more at stake in getting things right this time.

So why is this still happening? I simply cannot let go of the past, especially when it comes to that topic. The need to make the most of my future (and even the freedoms that can come along with that) pales in comparison to getting back what I’ve lost.

And I’m not sure how to get past it. Pun.

There’s a lot of dime store advice out there about this, but much of it is the typical obvious stuff that you can’t make yourself do when you stay stuck in the emotional and psychological webs that people like me do. “Focus on the future”. Well, no shit. A lot easier said than done for some of us.

It’s making me want to look into meditation type exercises that much more, because I just haven’t been strong enough for my conscious mind to have the willpower necessary for the best choices (not just for things like focusing on the future, but in general). So while I’m the furthest thing from an expert on the subject, I’m wondering if it might train your body and mind to improve from a more subconscious state instead.

Is that even possible?

I hope so, because I’m running out of time (and options) to start turning things around

“Going down the only road I’ve ever known…”

I’ve had about a week and a half now to reflect on my recent get together with someone I’m really close to (reference the entry here from then). But while meeting up with her again went as well as it could have, the days since have reaffirmed what I already expected:

My emotional capability to desire something serious with someone is still practically non-existent. If not entirely.

The only reason there’s even any doubt (about that capability) is that despite the mutual spark and connection with her, it’s likely that we’re way too different for both of us to genuinely enjoy a regular life with each other. When it comes to us, that strong “opposites attract” vibe may not be enough. So you could argue that my feeling distanced (in this spot) has just as much to do with those differences with her.

Thing is though: regardless of how ideal any match might be for me, it’s still doubtful that I could care enough to want it. Almost impossible for me to imagine a situation where I’d rather share my life than be on my own.

You might wonder if it hurts to feel that way. The answer is that it can, but not for the reason you might think:

Because it’s not the actual being alone that hurts. What DOES is the reality that I’m too emotionally removed and disinterested to enjoy the good things that come from not just a fulfilling relationship, but from life in general. When I listen to sad songs or sultry r&b or see other people living these experiences, it hurts to be reminded of how empty your life is (especially since you feel too emotionally trapped to ever change it).

Last night I was talking to a close friend about all this. She is just as ill-equipped to be in a relationship as I am, though some of the reasons for it are totally different than mine. But at least it allows us to bond with someone who’s in the same boat.

We joke about sitting on a porch someday in old people rocking chairs. All our family long gone and no SO or kids in our lives. Reminiscing about how we predicted such an outcome 30 years prior.

Cause, well: to quote something from the ’90s for once (never fear, my ’80s obsession is still intact):

“We can’t run from who we are. Our destiny chooses us”

When the unexpected mirror appears

Recently I won an auction lot for just $20 that had a bunch of old baseball memorabilia. Just wanted to enjoy the nostalgia of the knick knacks from the collection. Each item wasn’t worth much at all individually, but there was so much that it added up to a really good deal. Plus, it would be an interesting one-time detour from my usual nothing but cards, cards, cards.

Sent the payment and got the package. Noticed it cost him 10 bucks to even ship it to me. He basically got next to nothing. Decided to do something I normally wouldn’t (and certainly won’t be able to when profit margins become vital again once I get back in this business soon, but anyway)…..

Messaged the guy and said “hey, this just isn’t right. I’m unofficially doubling my bid to $40. Sent the rest to you already”. He replies and says “thanks, I’m just a 72 year old guy who has no one to leave my collection to. So I hope it ends up in the hands of people who appreciate it”.

Wow. Talk about something hitting home. That news basically turned my entire screen into a mirror.

If I manage to make it to the year 2047, I will still remember the day 27 years prior when a lonely older man from Michigan not only put some faith in a stranger, but unknowingly showed him a troubling glimpse of his future too. But despite how that look down the road is pretty sad, at least a little something better can come from it now.

Because I will always protect this modest part of his collection like it came from my own childhood. He seems like someone who deserves that.

Hopefully when I’m in the same shoes at that age, I will too.

45

No, not “that” number 45 (doubt I will ever get into politics on here). Earlier this week, that became my new age.

Only my two remaining closest immediate family members (mother and grandmother) remembered, though I expected that since I haven’t kept anyone else close enough in my life to.

With as pronounced as this midlife crisis is becoming, I was glad to get this birthday behind me. But it was still another reminder of everything in front of me. Having to find a new job, new city, (hopefully) new and improved habits. At a stage in life when many people have found stability, I have nothing but a huge self-rebuilding project and plenty of necessary change to deal with.

And the problem is…..I barely even care enough to try and get all that off the ground. When I’ve failed badly before, there was much solace in knowing that I still had most of my adult years left to rebound (and you could try and chalk away some of it to youthful mistakes). But this time, there are no excuses. There is no remaining youth to enjoy any goals that might be reached. And there isn’t nearly as much that I can do with my future (career and otherwise) than there used to be.

It’s very humbling, troubling, and uncomfortable. And a little scary. To know that you can’t continue to survive living this way, but for the first time in your life, you don’t see a light at the end of the tunnel (that may finally motivate some change).

So I’m really not sure if I’ll find a way to hang on (or even improve), or just continue to fall apart even further and the let the “midlife” part the crisis become permanent.

I’d like to be optimistic about it, but I’ve never really had the strength to consistently battle my demons before. So I don’t know.

I really don’t know.