Tag: hope

Living with lost hope: the early returns

Been about a month since I resigned myself to the fact that I’ll probably never fix most of my major issues or experience happiness again.

And I wasn’t sure how I’d react to that. Would the depression become even more difficult to manage? What major changes would I feel daily? So far, the best way to describe it is this:

It’s like I’ve been diagnosed with a terminal illness (and have already accepted my fate). But without the timetable of dying any sooner.

I know that doesn’t make much sense. But that’s how it is.

This has both some good and bad. The good is that I feel a little more at peace. Not much, mind you. But every little bit helps. At least I don’t feel any more unstable. And it relieves you of the pressure to try and fix yourself.

Actually, that last one could be bad instead. Oh well.

On the downside, you feel that much more empty and hopeless. Which dents the motivation to do the more necessary self-improvement aspects of life that much more. Pretty much the last thing I need, but an unavoidable result.

So, we’ll see how this continues to go. I doubt any big changes will happen anytime soon, but you never know.

In the meantime, I’ll continue to float through existence for now.

Aging, turning 50, and vanishing life hope

In a few months, I will turn 50. At a time when my mindset has hit yet another new low. And this one is scarier than ever.

As the mid-life crisis continues to rage on, it’s easy to continue looking back at the troubled existence that I’ve usually had (and how the downhill trend has really accelerated in the last 15 years):

Age 20: Depression is starting to quickly form. The final stages of competitive spirit and possible happiness. But no lost hope.

Age 25: Loner lifestyle becoming established. A lot of unusually big ups and down for someone that age. Becoming clear that the depression is embedded pretty deep, despite the initial reason for its severity now being gone for good. Still hope.

Age 30: The height of career success and adult pride. Though still not mentally healthy enough. Odd amount of new anger appearing sometimes. Hope still not a problem. Despite much more lifetime success than failure at that point, a somewhat tenuous grasp on it.

Age 35: Success vanished. This time for longer than ever before, and therefore (for the first time) wondering if it can be regained. These first lingering failures starting to weigh on how you feel about yourself. Hope starts to become tarnished.

Age 40: Failure has become a staple. Not yet too bothered by loss of youth, but naturally aware of it beginning to happen. For the first time, no clear definition of career future either. Negatives about life situation are now easily outnumbering the positives like never before. Hope becoming shaky.

Age 45: At this point, the failure has lasted enough years that you’re very close to accepting it as your fate. Youth obviously completely gone (and having a tough time accepting it), so midlife crisis in full effect. Hope hanging on by a thread.

And now….almost 50: Failures have reached more damaging levels than ever expected. Some very useful 9 to 5 job experiences leading to possible new opportunities for awhile to salvage something about life, but being too unstable and miserable to take much advantage of it (especially since I’m still spoiled by all the years of supporting myself). Feeling like every year is aging you by a few.

But the worst part: for reasons I won’t elaborate on now (but have started to mention in recent entries), any hope of ever improving myself or my life is now mostly gone.

That’s what is so scary. Naturally without that hope, my depressive state could reach newly dangerous levels. I’ve always been able to function moderately with it, but now that might not last. It feels like something bigger may give at any point. And if it does, those new depths could lead to problems that’d be that much more drastic.

Regardless of the consequences, I don’t think I can stop this. So I just wait to see what happens.

And if I’ll be able to survive it. Literally and figuratively.

Keeping the hope alive

In a recent entry, I mentioned how I was considering giving up trading and any gambling (even advantage gambling) for the first time in order to possibly save myself from losing everything down the road. Though that would also leave me with no hope of ever redeeming myself and permanently feeling like a life failure.

But since neither of those simple “yes” or “no” choices was likely to leave me with an existence worth living, I’ve decided that a compromise is the best option. Instead, I’m going to stop those activities…..but just for the time being. And immerse myself completely in every way possible to try fixing or taming all of my demons.

How long will that take? It could be six months. Six years. Or even never.

Then if that does happen, I’ll resume trying to recover my past success then. And even if the opportunities to do so still aren’t what they need to be at the time (an issue I’ve discussed before), I’ll just have to hope that they do eventually improve before it’s too late.

Yep, plenty of “if”s here. But that’s the best that can be done at the moment. And I’ve decided that it’s my only choice.

Because when it comes to the hope of ever feeling good about myself again, I can’t throw in the towel completely. Regardless of the risks.

Ever

Shawshank and the “hope” debate: sorry Red

One of my favorite movies is the Shawshank Redemption. For those who may not know it, it’s based on the prison life of a wrongly convicted murderer (Andy) and how he eventually gains his freedom after about 20 years of (very) slowly digging a tunnel out of his cell.

A famous scene from that movie involves Andy talking to his best inmate friend “Red” about hope. And Red is against having it there, as he feels that hope is a dangerous thing that can drive a man crazy inside prison walls .

Well, Red, I have to disagree with you (just as Andy did). As someone who’s been in his own figurative prison for about that long, I can relate to the situation some.

(And no, I’m not claiming that could compare to being in Shawshank!) But the key similarity is how any seemingly endless prison can still ruin your life.

Unless you find a way to get out.

And I can tell you that the main thing that keeps me going, as I hit new life low after low (another one today), is the hope that the future will be much better and include my own “redemption” of regaining my success of many years ago. Having that happen would involve plenty of aspects both in and out of my own control. So the odds may not be very good.

But if there is ANY realistic chance…..you have to hold on tight to it. Otherwise, you’re doomed to stay in despair from now on.

The good news is that last week, there was a money making opportunity here in my city that I hadn’t seen in ages. While it was way too high stakes for me to go after (given my current situation), just the fact that it was available to me was a jaw dropper.

I thought, well, if something like that can pop up so unexpectedly now…..maybe when I’m ready for it in 5 or 10 years, similar ones will then too.

Is there any guarantee that will happen though? Not even close. There is no way to know if it were practically a one time opportunity, or if they might start to appear more regularly now and/or much further down the road. So it’s quite possible that I won’t ever be able to get out of this corner that I’ve painted myself into over the last 15 years.

But I still have to do my best to hope. Even if the outlook was still as bleak as possible, there’s no other way to maintain any focus on doing your part to improve your chances (and find a little positivity in an otherwise highly depressed life).

Just ask Red. Without Andy’s hope, he would’ve likely been doomed.

Boiling point

The last two weeks had already not gone well. As I wrote about recently, the quality of my trading/betting was still full of the same holes (and things had started to slip back). In addition to that, I haven’t found any of the willpower necessary to start fresh in my new place and move toward improving the other parts of life either.

Needless to say, I was already on edge some. Then today happened, and I’m fighting the urge to completely tilt.

Put myself into a difficult spot on a trade that I didn’t need to have. Which led to me bailing on it about an hour too early (and just before the stock market turned in my direction). Turning what could’ve been a very good day into another bad one.

It’s fine when you’re wrong about a situation, cause obviously that will happen sometimes. But when you were very right about the market’s direction and still get stung b/c of how you handled things, that is a BIG problem.

Especially when there’s this: while I’ve written plenty about my attempts to recover from past career/life failures….even though it’s often done with plenty of urgency, that’s been taken to a whole new level this time.

Why? First, because I’m finally back in the place where I have a chance to be happy. If I can’t make life work here now, my chances of ever doing so before I’m too old to enjoy it go way down.

And second: for many years now, whenever I had a new setback with trying to work on my own, getting a 9 to 5 again felt like it was always there as an option (albeit one that I did not prefer at all). But this time, and especially in this city, I don’t want to settle for that anymore.

Between my last experience where I was hired early last month (and I subsequently left) and how I’ll have a much better basis about feeling better about myself if I have my career freedom permanently again, I’ve turned much more against getting a traditional job ever again.

Naturally that means that I have to make things work out now. I know that urgency seems like quite a stressful way to go about it, but oh well. Things have never improved without the urgency either, so I’m not making my situation worse by feeling that way.

So I’m trying to take a very deep breath after moving on. Forget about this recent slide and how awfully it accelerated today, and start fresh moving forward. But unfortunately, that’s never been my way.

It’s like trying to catch a falling knife.

And I’ve never been able to find the handle to.

When it feels right

Well. My new employment situation was…..something that needs its own entry to be fully appreciated. That can come next.

But for now, suffice it to say the following: given everything involved, I decided this morning that the job was not the right fit.

So yep, a letter of resignation was just e-mailed. After just a week. I know that sounds like an abrupt and possibly foolish decision, but oh believe me, I have my reasons (well beyond how the job would’ve been too).

Keep in mind that while I’ve always been the furthest thing from a company man, my other traditional jobs have all lasted at least a couple years. So it’s not like I usually quit something so soon or “can’t handle a real job” or anything like that. Those reasons for leaving already were not light ones.

Anyway….I knew that it would be very difficult to have a 9 to 5 in this town, but it only took that week to drive home the reality that much more. I don’t have the energy to mix that with the other things I need/want to do here (to work for myself and otherwise).

I will be staying here and going through with a new “career” plan that I hope will last as long as possible. There is also a plan B and the possibility of a plan C to grind out a living in town if need be. And even if none of that works out, I will just find a 9 to 5 somewhere else (and come back out here for good when I retire).

With no regrets.

For now though, you have no idea how right this decision felt. Especially since I was already slipping into more depression, misery, and destructive decisions.

But after sending that resignation letter, the future feels more hopeful. I got the new apartment I wanted and am looking forward to moving in soon. And especially to have the freedom to fix my life in the best ways again.

It’s made me smile more in the last couple hours than I have in a long time.

One more chance

As we speak, I am driving back out to my target city. This time for good.

The second company that I interviewed with recently has hired me. And while the (slightly better) job possibility with the first company is still in play, I wasn’t going to turn down a sure thing.

So, I am now heading out there to plant myself again.

The situation has come together a lot better than I would have guessed (or even deserve). When it comes to how family, finances, location, and opportunity now sit in front of me: while it’s far, far from where things should be (other than the location)…….given all the mistakes I’ve made over the years, it’s pretty much best-case scenario for moving forward.

Because at least I have a better chance to salvage myself some . Maybe not to the extent that I need, but enough to count.

Once I get settled in, I’ll still be in this similar spot though: needing to muster the willpower to improve diet, exercise, financial discipline, and many other parts of life. As mentioned many times in prior entries, it’s a long road since so much of me needs fixed.

Not even going to elaborate much on whether or not I’ll pull it off. Especially since I know that despite how solid this opportunity is, I’m still fighting long odds.

For now, I just want to spend a short time focusing on one thing:

Hope

But will the steps ever be taken….

In my last entry recently, I wrote about how I’d finally opened up my first book on some of the subjects related to my demons.

Since then, I’ve finished the first book and am more than halfway through the second. And again, not much has surprised me so far. There are times when I feel like no actual changes would really ever be implemented, and times when I see a few nuggets of usefulness that might fit my very difficult situation.

I also continue to be disappointed with the lack of ability that human beings have to fix themselves. Not only do both books advocate dealing with vices with avoidance and diversion in plenty of circumstances, but the chances of succeeding really increase if you lean on someone else to get you through it.

I guess there are worse things than that. But it still portrays a sense of weakness. And it seems like you’d need to count much more on yourself, because the crutch of other people may not be there whenever you need it (and that could easily lead to too many relapses).

Plus, the whole concept is a much tougher task for people who don’t keep others very close in their lives (like me). And yep, I know that’s what sponsors are for in the Anonymous meetings. But I’ve tried those out in the past, and it’s not the atmosphere that I want for any self-improvement attempts. The people there are mostly still struggling so badly to get by, because the programs focus on damage control a lot more than conquering your demons.

And if I’m going to do this, I need to focus on the latter instead. Just barely getting by without disasters is not good enough. For me or anyone.

The most useful concept I’ve been reminded of is how important breathing, relaxing, and short time periods of meditation are to strengthening your body and mind’s resolve. If I really follow through on this, that change will be at the top of the list to branch off of. But there’s a huge snag lingering in all of this:

Do I really WANT to improve myself enough?

That may sound bizarre on the surface. Until you realize that I may never really want to find happiness.

I mentioned months ago that I’d soon be hitting a crossroads that led to two possible ends: rebirth, or permanent despair. And here’s the thing….I still enjoy the thought of a slow decline that takes me sinking further and further. Withering away in a hotel room day after day, as I live a lifestyle that minimizes effort, necessities, and (most importantly) responsibilities.

Think “Leaving Las Vegas”. Well, without the alcohol and new hooker love.

Don’t know exactly how that would end, but it sure wouldn’t be a good one. But even as strange as it sounds: I don’t just find this type of lowest life descent appealing; I actually GLORIFY it in my mind.

So I guess you could sum up the latest this way: both the rebirth and sinking despair paths in front of me are luring me even more than before. Makes it seem like one or the other may win out faster than expected.

Unless those opposing forces tear me apart down the middle first.

The next step for change

For the first time today, I finally opened one of the half dozen books that I bought over a year and a half ago (on willpower, self-control, and similar subjects). Almost hitting rock-bottom again finally caused me to act.

Well, as far as learning more about the subject, that is. Actually coming up with the effort to make the changes will be a whole different ballgame.

Anyway, I know that some of the few readers here are also dealing with longtime depression and their own demons. So I thought you might be curious what I think so far, given that I read half of it already.

My feelings are mixed. At best.

It’s well-written and introduces you to a lot of documented findings on the subject. The good news is that some of those findings involve the ability to improve your self-control by adhering to certain practice regiments.

But you also quickly find out about the limitations that human beings have when it comes to focusing on improving ourselves and changing our habits (which mostly stems from the limited amount of energy that our body can harness for periods of time).

None of that was surprising to read. But before long, it was like my own my energy issues started to waver when they mentioned (and advocated) the typical avoidance tactics for dealing with addiction.

This was disconcerting. I’d always held out some hope that maybe, somehow or even someday, there would be a better way (as far as beating addiction goes). Dealing with those issues with mostly diversion obviously doesn’t get to the core of someone’s problems. It’s hard for me to imagine that genuine life improvements can permanently result that way.

Especially with how most 12 step programs just substitute one addiction for another. Replacing heroin with nicotine, or alcohol with jesus. All that does is continue enabling the demons that led to your addictive symptoms to begin with. It’s no wonder that they have such low long-term success rates.

And even though I’m just halfway through the book, I just get this vibe of very slight dismay. Like even though they’re confident in the possibility of people improving their willpower, the writers don’t actually believe that it WILL happen for most.

I’m afraid there’s a good reason for that: most of us just won’t be strong enough. Especially anyone who’s always dealt with depression.

That doesn’t mean that I’m giving up on this yet. I’m going to finish this book (and the rest of them). Still hope to organize all of my bad habits and demons that need dealt with, and figure out the best way to attack them one by one.

The key word there being “hope”.

Because after today, I actually feel even more doubtful than I did before.

Round and round

If you’re not used to the ’80s song titles, then you haven’t seen enough of my recent entries!

The last couple of months have been very trying. Between helping mom out with a bunch of doctor appointments (her physical health is not good right now) and trying to get tons of tasks done before moving on, I have been at the family’s for longer than I expected. And at this point, since I’m the only close family she has left, I’m going to stay for Thanksgiving before looking more seriously for a new location.

That new location will probably end up being due south. I’ve decided that I am not ready to do my target city again yet, and the Covid effects there make it not ready for me either. Planning on spending a year or two trying to improve life in the warmth (and then hopefully it will finally be time for that permanent destination).

Not what I’d planned, and there’s still no way that I want to wait til anywhere near retirement age to settle in there. But I’m ok with being 48 or so for it.

In the meantime, unfortunately it’s still been the typical. I do better, then worse, put away more sportscards, do better, do worse, better , worse, more cards, etc etc. So between the consistent additions and gains in collectibles value this year, my collection’s worth is still quickly growing and continues to function as a safety net for my lack of discipline with my finances (and life) .

I’ve been asked “How are the cards such a safety net? You could just sell them whenever you need to and have that money available, the same as any other $”. Well, here’s why: when I trade or bet, it’s so quick and easy. A few keystrokes, and you’re done. Lightning fast action. But to sell cards easily at the right price, you have to list them on ebay, take pics, package them up, take it to the post office, give up the ebay fees of around 10%, and so on.

And with my constant depression, coming up with the energy to do all that extra stuff just isn’t appealing. Plus, I’ve already developed a sentimental attachment to the cards. They connect me to my past and to my love for sports. So if I sold the cards (especially to fund addictive and destructive behavior), I’d feel even worse about myself than I already do.

Which means that when I buy something for my personal collection, it stays put. And until I fix myself, that’s a good thing.

Speaking of fixing myself: whenever things turn downward, at some point I’ll still think “ok, this time you are DONE acting like this” and plan to immediately find all the books I need to read about willpower, self-control, diet, and so much else.

But then I never do. Which, as always, makes it nearly impossible to improve my situation for the long term. And usually leads to any new upswings collapsing before long.

Maybe living in the sun year-round will finally give me the motivation that I still haven’t mustered. It definitely won’t hurt, anyway.

Wish me luck.