Tag: loss

Has the fire gone completely out?

I was fiercely competitive as a child and throughout college. Just ask the occasional tree which, during my worst moments, may have found a tennis racket flying up into its branches. Or how inconsolable I was after a tough loss.

These characteristics had plenty of upside, though. They brought the best out of me as well, and I never would’ve had my past success without that level of desire to excel.

But once my depression got its permanently tight grip on me in my early 20s, things started to change. I stopped doing much of anything athletic (and the occasional times I did, that winning drive wasn’t really there anymore).

That was followed by a very long period of frustration, and some extra anger that came with it. Which actually began slightly before my successful times started to crash and burn, so maybe I could subconsciously sense what was coming.

This anger was never taken out on other people; only the occasional inanimate object or somewhat embarrassing episode. I might break a laptop after yet another poorly handled market trade, or cackle derisively at myself as a casino visit went horribly because I’d lost my composure.

On a side note: I don’t know if any readers have stuck with me for the entire few years that I’ve been making these sporadic entries. But if they had, they’d notice that I’ve never blamed “bad luck” for any of my career/financial failures. And that’s because when it comes to risking your money, luck only applies in the very short term. In the long run, your skill level and execution entirely dictate your results. So anyone who blames lifelong bad luck in those spots is just deluding themselves from the reality of their own shortcomings and mistakes. Anyway…..

There has been a change in me more recently. For the last few years, I haven’t reacted much to the continued ever worsening failures. No more throwing anything at the wall in my apartment or childishly storming away from a casino table as others shake their head.

Just emptiness. Which is scary.

Because while those past actions were often inexcusable, at least they were a sign that I cared. Of life in me. The urge to battle on.

And I’m afraid that might be gone. At the worst time for that to happen, no less (as at this current new and uncertain mid-life stage, the will to move forward is more necessary than ever.)

If there was ever a need for a spark, it’s now. But I don’t know if one will come.

But will the steps ever be taken….

In my last entry recently, I wrote about how I’d finally opened up my first book on some of the subjects related to my demons.

Since then, I’ve finished the first book and am more than halfway through the second. And again, not much has surprised me so far. There are times when I feel like no actual changes would really ever be implemented, and times when I see a few nuggets of usefulness that might fit my very difficult situation.

I also continue to be disappointed with the lack of ability that human beings have to fix themselves. Not only do both books advocate dealing with vices with avoidance and diversion in plenty of circumstances, but the chances of succeeding really increase if you lean on someone else to get you through it.

I guess there are worse things than that. But it still portrays a sense of weakness. And it seems like you’d need to count much more on yourself, because the crutch of other people may not be there whenever you need it (and that could easily lead to too many relapses).

Plus, the whole concept is a much tougher task for people who don’t keep others very close in their lives (like me). And yep, I know that’s what sponsors are for in the Anonymous meetings. But I’ve tried those out in the past, and it’s not the atmosphere that I want for any self-improvement attempts. The people there are mostly still struggling so badly to get by, because the programs focus on damage control a lot more than conquering your demons.

And if I’m going to do this, I need to focus on the latter instead. Just barely getting by without disasters is not good enough. For me or anyone.

The most useful concept I’ve been reminded of is how important breathing, relaxing, and short time periods of meditation are to strengthening your body and mind’s resolve. If I really follow through on this, that change will be at the top of the list to branch off of. But there’s a huge snag lingering in all of this:

Do I really WANT to improve myself enough?

That may sound bizarre on the surface. Until you realize that I may never really want to find happiness.

I mentioned months ago that I’d soon be hitting a crossroads that led to two possible ends: rebirth, or permanent despair. And here’s the thing….I still enjoy the thought of a slow decline that takes me sinking further and further. Withering away in a hotel room day after day, as I live a lifestyle that minimizes effort, necessities, and (most importantly) responsibilities.

Think “Leaving Las Vegas”. Well, without the alcohol and new hooker love.

Don’t know exactly how that would end, but it sure wouldn’t be a good one. But even as strange as it sounds: I don’t just find this type of lowest life descent appealing; I actually GLORIFY it in my mind.

So I guess you could sum up the latest this way: both the rebirth and sinking despair paths in front of me are luring me even more than before. Makes it seem like one or the other may win out faster than expected.

Unless those opposing forces tear me apart down the middle first.

Deep struggles return, part 2

The last couple days have just been filled with catching my breath after the awful week that I just wrote about. You know what’s just as bad as once again losing too much of your wealth, pride, and future options?

How it makes you feel so down about life again.

Even though my prior upswing wasn’t really earned, it still helps a lot to just feel better about something going well again. You play more upbeat music. You look forward to the next day. You smile more.

And you have more hope.

Now, that’s stripped away again for the time being (at minimum). Things will be a lot more stressful and questionable in the upcoming months too. It won’t be easy to hold on, and I’m not sure if I will. Every day could be a ticking time bomb. You just don’t know which one it will be.

Until you’re busy hitting rock bottom again.

And back to the deep struggles…

Late last night, my demons finally won out again for the first time in awhile. I had a very big setback and ate a huge loss. As usual, the kind of thing that there was absolutely no excuse for.

The bad news is that a lot of the large recent post-inheritance gains are now gone, which basically functioned as an unexpected early boost to my new-life work capital and as a nice cushion for starting life over again soon . And the chances of making that back anytime soon are very slim.

The good news is that I can still follow through with those life-changing plans and work for myself again, although now that situation just got more tenuous. The money that I expected to use for that is still there.

Also….as difficult as this latest huge setback and failure is to take, there’s a factor that makes it easier to stomach: I shouldn’t have even had so much extra already to begin with, because most was made by just getting lucky in the very short term. If I’d given up a lot of hard work where I “earned” it doing things the right way, that would be different. But that wasn’t what was going on lately. My market trading has been off in recent days, and I simply got lucky for awhile doing other stupid shit to make up for it.

Obviously that doesn’t excuse what happened last night, but it’s still how my mind sees the overall picture. And at the moment, I need to stay as positive as possible to keep from completely falling apart and ruining my future again.

So, where does that leave things going forward? First are foremost, STOP the latest downhill avalanche here. Especially since my career freedom is likely still at stake. Find some solace in how I’ve acquired a valuable sports card collection (which I don’t plan on selling much of regardless, but still). Take that collection, my inheritance, and the small gains from it that are still left, and prepare to move later this summer. FORGET what just happened. Or at least keep it from affecting future decisions.

Life would be so much easier if I wasn’t a wreck…..

Back and forth

That describes how my psychological state continues to be. Per usual, it’s not in more extreme manic ways. But it’s still enough to keep me off balance and unsure about whether or not I’ll ever turn things around.

More “per usual”: for awhile, I’ll tame my demons. Avoid making damaging financial mistakes. But then I’ll make more typical decisions that drag me back down. Overall, it hasn’t been bad for the last month. So at least there’s that. But unless I can stop the bad habits, it’ll only be a matter of time before new lows happen again.

In the meantime, my sports card collection has become a force. As a nest egg, as a much-needed enjoyable lifetime hobby, and as an outlet for funds that would likely be wasted otherwise. It’s come together exactly as I’d hoped so far, and it’s even appreciated some in value already (which I didn’t expect to happen so quickly).

That’s the good news. The bad news is that even if I do start buying/selling cards as a side business, most of the current collection won’t be for sale. So it also restrains my financial freedom going forward.

Which is especially important since I’m still not sure if I’ll get a new 9 to 5 (or count on the remainder of my inheritance to fund the ventures that I mentioned in prior entries). Or even if many of those will be possible, now that my target city may never be the same.

But the thing is: even though it may not be possible to make it there anymore, there isn’t much downside to finding out at the moment. Even without much of a parachute. Because at this point in our COVID society, how likely is it to find the type of white collar job that I’d need anytime soon? My lease extension runs out in two months, and there won’t be many options yet by then.

Sooo that likely means that late this summer, I’ll just pack up and head….oops, almost said the direction. Even though at this point, there’s more reason to doubt if it can work out. But I may has well find out.

Because it feels like there’s not much to lose anymore.

Self-therapy, part 2. Finding happiness, and the main barrier with starting that journey

First….yep, I finally added an image to my thumbnail. And yes, it took forever. But hey, at least it was less than a year 😛

Now, onto business.

Yesterday I mentioned how the only chance to salvage the second half of my life was to learn how to be ok with happiness. You can also include making substantial progress with the other aspects of my depression; that goes without saying.

This would be a very difficult and long road for anyone. But in my spot, there’s something else that may need resolved before I can even get very far. And the problem is, this may be an issue that doesn’t have a very good solution:

Becoming successful again with my career and finances. Or, at least recovering much of what I lost to start with.

I know that the general reaction to that will be “but much of life, success, and happiness isn’t about money!” Yes, that is usually true. But you have to understand how my entire adulthood has been centered around supporting myself that way. It’s not about having lots of actual $; it’s about how this a core part of my identity, and always will be. Not to mention the pride that goes along with succeeding at being your own boss.

So as long as I have failed in that aspect of life, I will continue to feel like I’ve failed overall. And could you really find happiness with that always lingering in the back of your mind?

If building success back the “right” way was going to take, say, just a few years, then I could manage that. But there lies the problem: my current lack of opportunities make that highly unlikely. This I’ve discussed before, and it presents a major barrier (not just for my finances, but even moreso for my state of mind). Because while I’m ok with having some patience, I’m not alright with grinding away until I’m 65 to come full circle.

This means that I may have to still take some bigger chances. I emphasize MAY, because I’ll have to think some more about whether or not it’s worth it (and the consequences if that wouldn’t work out).

These wouldn’t be the same hopeless larger risks (done for just a high) that I referred to in my last entry. It would be about focused, realistic chances to land just the bigger score(s) necessary. And then if that happens, returning to the “right” ways overall and entering my rebuilding phase with a clear conscience.

It would have to be with my financial market trading, because advantage gambling with an edge (in the current environment) has to be much more of a slow build for my situation. I’m sure you’re not surprised that the casinos don’t make it possible to intelligently crush them for large amounts overnight.

The good news is that if I go that route, I have the ability to find trades with incredible short-term potential. The bad news is that I missed out on two amazing ones in just the last year (one of which I blogged about), and they aren’t easy at all to come up with. So I may have already missed the boat. I can’t count on replicating those results anytime soon.

But I still may have to give it a shot.

More on my self-therapy situation: depression, addiction, work, and the rest

In a past entry, I mentioned how I sometimes sabotage myself with large, poorly constructed risks with my financial markets trading and advantage gambling (as opposed to how I usually value money appropriately when it comes to buying baseball cards). And I asked the question “can I train my mind to always treat my trading/betting like I do my card buying?”

After some more analysis about the many details that lead to these behaviors, I’ve come up with some answers to that. Yes, this is me both in the therapist’s chair AND on the therapist’s couch at the same time.

Getting to the bottom of this involves a deep look at what drives me to make these choices. Not surprisingly, the thought processes and psychological/emotional reactions for the good are much different than the bad. Things also get pretty complex, because there are various sides to most of my endeavors (including how some of them involve making a living).

With the sports cards, there is both a speculation and a collectible/nostalgia aspect. But my focus at the moment is much moreso the collectible side. Naturally I hope that they go up in value, but that’s not my main reason behind buying them. Therefore, my mind only kicks into a “get the best value” mode. It’s like being a competent shopper. I don’t like the feeling of overpaying or wasting anything in these spots, so my comfort zone is keeping a healthy focus on making the best choices.

And when I’m handling my trading/advantage gambling the right way (which isn’t nearly often enough), there are similarities to the cards. I’m looking for only the best “deals”, not risking more than I should, and zeroed in on that good feeling that comes from being competent with your money and skills. It’s not about “gambling”; it’s much more workmanlike.

Nowww the other side. The problems. Chasing the dragons from my chosen vices. As you can imagine, it’s not pretty.

What is going through my mind when my money risks turn into addictive, degenerate behavior? The answers are quite different. And again, much of it comes down to comfort levels (but this time in a very destructive way).

As I have discussed many times in the past, my depressive tendencies have ruled much of my adult life. It creates a lot of loneliness and a consistent unhappiness that usually surrounds you, and after enough years, you count on it to feel comfortable and like yourself.

All of that, in turn, leads to regular boredom and the need for highs to escape your sad existence. And is that EVER bad news for someone in my fields.

When risking money is your expertise, then what high do you gravitate toward? Large gambles. Making things “interesting”. Especially when you know that those risks will also eventually lead to the failure that puts you back in your subconsciously preferred unhappiness state.

Two birds with one stone there. Combines two of my very powerful comfort zone behavioral demons. Add in how badly I want to get some success back as quickly as possible, and it all makes these habits extremely difficult to control.

So….what are the conclusions from all this?

First, to answer my initial question, it doesn’t really seem possible to “treat the problematic side of my trading/betting like I do my card buying.” The driving forces behind each are very different, and one won’t really apply to the other.

What IS the answer then?

It appears that there may be only way to beat this, and it sounds ridiculously like a cheesy cliche. But it’s the case:

Learn to be ok with being happy. At my deepest levels.

Because as you may have noticed, most of my destructive behavior stems from that flaw. The need for highs and escapes. Sabotaging yourself. So much else.

It goes without saying how that road will not be easy. In addition to my deep-rooted depression, there are other reasons why I fight happiness (that I won’t get into now). So, it will take a huge rebuilding project to try and fight this.

But it’s my only chance.

Who’s behind the three doors?

One topic that I’ve never talked about here is my past love life. I say “past” because, given my current state of mind and life situation, it’s not something that I’m focused on at all. That’s been the case for a long time now; my longest relationship was two years, and that was almost 20 years ago (when I was about 25).

But since that time, I have met three people that stood out. You know, the ones where you can both tell that something unusually good might be possible. Though the reason why that’s the case is different for them all. Listed in no particular order (so that you’d have to guess who I think the best chance would theoretically be for something real) 😛 These are all women who I’m still in regular contact with all the time.

Someone I’ve only known for a few years. When we’ve hung out, it just works. In all ways…..seeming like a “couple”, physically, and being very close friends all at the same time. And I currently chat with her more than anyone else. But from the beginning, she has kept her distance for various reasons. And, of course, being who I am, I keep my distance as well. It’s just the second time in my life when someone who makes it clear (and has shown) how much they “like” me keeps me pushed away at the same time. Always an interesting dynamic.

Then, there’s the woman who I’ve spent a total of three hours with in my life since we’ve never lived in the same place (and that was 10 years ago). Yep, she is still on this list. Why? Because for both of us, it was clearly the most electric chemistry that we’ve ever experienced. To the point where we still remember it now. We also share similar views on a lot of things and connect great intellectually. But….we are so, so different. Mixing lifestyles would be a big problem. And to be honest, she can be very difficult to get along with. Being with her would be one of those relationships that always has peaks and valleys. Some love/hate. Would that volatility make the spark even stronger though? I’m not sure, especially since that type of situation has never been my style.

And finally, there’s the friend who’s just like me. The one where it seems like you’ve known her since she was in pigtails (even though it’s been for like the last 15 years), and things have always been just platonic. When she “indulges”, shall we say, I always hear how I am her soulmate. Despite the fact that she’s been in a loveless marriage for many, many years (that’s always a fun snag, eh). She is the wildcard here. Because with the others, I’ve experienced the mutual attraction and physical chemistry. But in this case, I don’t even know if either of us would ever cross that line to find that out. Part of me could see it making sense, but the other part isn’t sure if we’d be feelin’ it. But when you have such a bond with someone, then you can’t help but be curious.

By now you may be wondering “do you think something more serious will ever develop with any of these women? Are you going to find out?” If I’m being honest, the answer is that I doubt it. It’s possible, but you definitely couldn’t count on it. And the main reason why is fairly sad.

Despite all of the differences I’ve mentioned among the three, there is one detail that we all share (including myself):

Being badly damaged. Not from heartbreak, but for so many other reasons.

Broken souls may find each other, but it’s very difficult for them to mesh into something real.

Especially when so much of life is behind you.

Lost and not found

Earlier today, things were alright for awhile (er, yesterday, considering it’s 4:15 AM now). Logged some extra info for my probable upcoming endeavors. Decided to talk to the manager here tomorrow about whether or not we’re all going to break protocol and just have me keep my apartment for an extra month or two while the world is stopped. Got some good dinner.

Then, the news came out about the US staying shut down until at least the end of April. Talked to my mom and learned some new info from a good friend. Didn’t take long for things to change.

For the first time since I can remember, I actually felt lost. Figuratively. Even with all of my issues, I usually feel calm and informed about future possibilities (regardless of how good or bad they might be). But this time, the uncertainty of not just my, but especially everyone’s, future has taken my mind on an uncomfortable path. Because despite all my demons and current life difficulties, I always feel like I have a rational baseline for myself and the world around me. So this is not something I’m used to.

As some of you know, there are so many parts of life that I literally have lost. Those constant reminders keep me down enough, so I really don’t need the figurative version to join in too.

So much negativity. And I detest sounding this way, because I don’t like spreading that mood to other people or coming off so whiny about it.

But at this moment, I am feeling less hope than I ever have. About myself and the rest of society. For both current and future times. And I imagine that some will think cliches like “as everything seems bleakest, that’s when it’ll turn around when you least expect it”. The thing is though, I just have a sense of irreversible doom upcoming instead. Not anything earth-shattering all at once, but still a fairly steep decline.

For once, I hope I’m wrong.

The magic 8 ball is stuck

Today I made an unusual amount of progress when it comes to planning my career future. You’d think that would be a good thing:

I got caught up with a very knowledgeable close friend (a fellow advantage gambling pro), and found out some info that may cut down on the prep time that I need to do in my new city. Talked to another friend in that industry, and she said that she’d like for me to work with her at her company in that city. Looked at the latest environment for other 9 to 5 jobs in my “traditional” work field of recent years.

Realized that it might be worth a shot to turn my second wind of baseball card involvement into a side business on ebay. Talked with that knowledgeable friend above about that too, since he used to be a full-time seller years ago.

Unfortunately, these were the results:

Advantage gambling part to full time: The profitable opportunities are still not very plentiful for someone in my situation. Outlook not so good

Working that 9 to 5 with my friend: Her heart in the right place, but it’s just tough to see her following through with that (and it working out). Outlook not so good.

Other 9 to 5 jobs: Naturally places don’t seem to be focused on hiring at the moment for white collar work. Tough to tell how long it will take the world to get back to normal. Outlook not so good.

Selling cards as a side business on ebay: With all the competition out there (and the ebay fees and other transaction costs to buy and sell), it’s just tough to get the profit margins needed for a one-person operation that can’t sell in bulk. Even with my experience in that business. Outlook not so good.

Yup. The magic 8 ball appears to be stuck.

My past choices have gotten me painted into this corner, and now it’s gonna be tough to avoid paying the price for them. And needless to say, having to wait on the world to begin functioning again just makes things more difficult.

It might be kinda boring to just work in a cubicle all your life. To know exactly what the next day will be. Bring home that same paycheck, pay those same bills, and then do it all over and over and over again. But at least it’s normal.

My life is not normal.