Tag: night

The midnight traveler

My visit to the national sportscard show yesterday evening went about as expected. After waiting in line for an hour to get in, I barely spent more time than that on the show floor (before realizing that I didn’t have it in me). There was so little that I was interested in buying, and there were very few options for those needs anyway. Between that and not being in the frame of mind to make the most of the experience, I was heading out before most people would get their first glimpse of it all.

Met up with my “card” friend for a quick dinner, headed back to the hotel room, and napped. Being the night owl that I am, that nap meant I’d be awake all night. At a noisy hotel in a city with nothing else for me. So, I decided to make the 2 1/2 hour drive home right then.

Went downstairs, got a strange look from the guy at the front desk (“checking out, not in?”), and was ready to go.

As I pulled out of my parking spot, the clock in my car said exactly midnight.

I knew this quiet, dark drive back would fit my empty life of solitude’s comfort zone. And sure enough, it did.

After about an hour, stopping to get gas at a service center on the turnpike. No one else in the building but one guy sitting on a bench looking at his phone. As I leave the restroom, I notice that the few restaurants there are naturally all closed at this hour.

Yes, this is my kinda scene.

I walk outside into the mildly cool night air and fill up the gas tank. Not a soul in sight or sound to be heard. Other than the faint whoosh of an occasional truck on the interstate that I was bout to rejoin.

As I get back on the road, my mind returns to all of my current life issues and pain. Tears well up in my eyes (and not for the first or last time during the drive). While they never fell, they did provide an interesting glow/streak to the few lights on the road that came and went.

You know how when you’re on a trip (and there’s that anxious feeling to get get get there, so that you can unwind and relax again)?

Well, that was when the following hit me: this was the opposite. A drive that I wished would NEVER end. Moreso than any I’d ever had before. It made me want to flip a switch right then (and turn my life into a video game). One where the drive actually could have no ending or destination.

Because there’s nothing worthwhile in my life to come home to (or realistically hope for in the future). But as long as I’m out on that dark road in the middle of the night, I don’t have to face the next day yet.

And I can be at peace.

Save tonight

Save tonight, and fight the break of dawn.

A big hit song from 1997 about lovers who are about to be separated the following morning. But in my case, those lyrics fit virtually every day. It’s 6:15 AM here at the moment and happening as we speak

Yep, I think a lot about escapes and being away from humanity. And this makes for back-to-back entries about them. There is something so serene and relaxing about late night existence. Businesses are closed and most people are inside asleep (or quietly in the same boat as I am).

You can hear a single car pass by, the click of a stoplight changing, or the distant occasional bark of a dog. Sometimes the sound of an ambulance siren that’s much more ominous than when other noises are competing with it during the day. Look up into the limitless dark, and see the universe that reaches beyond anyone’s imagination and possibilities.

And, just as I mentioned the last time: when you’re depressed, stuck with your life, and not doing nearly enough to solve your issues….you don’t feel obliged to take care of business that can only be addressed during the workday. A brief respite from the gloom and antsyness that comes from often feeling down about yourself in that way.

But when the morning comes, all of the above goes away. And you feel some disappointment that you have to wait for the next sunset for your favorite time of day to come back.

The good thing is that since I’m a warm weather person, whenever I’m living in a seasonal climate, the warmth I cherish is a decent tradeoff for the longer days of that time of year. And vice versa. I would rather have nonstop give/take for the year than six months each of all the best or the worst. That wouldn’t be good for my state of mind.

Still though, regardless of the warmth, it’s not easy fighting every daybreak. And I hope to eventually not feel this way about life’s existence at some point.

Life dreams

Most kids grow up dreaming about their future. It may be the usual possible ones (a big house, a spouse and kids) or the one in a million goals (playing in the World Series, winning the lottery). But it’s usually something along those lines.

Not me.

During my childhood, I never really thought much about what I wanted as an adult. Sure I hoped to somehow be successful and enjoy life, but I just wasn’t the type who spent any time zeroing in on exactly what I wanted. This led to me applying to the wrong “target” university at the wrong time, and then to changing majors after my first semester at the large university that I did go to.

At that point I had some more concrete direction for the first time, but there was still plenty to learn. About 10 years after that, I left to go after my first life “dream”. And, well, look back to my “California Dreamin” entry to see the unfortunate result of that.

So…..where has that left things since on the dream front for about the last dozen years? In a very strange place. And one that’s hard to explain. While most people (even as adults) still yearn for nice things, power, a loving spouse, children, and so on…….those are the last thing on my mind.

What is there for someone in my situation to fondly wish for?

A total lack of responsibility. Combined with a complete escape from living much life. Sitting alone in a modest hotel room day after day. No work and few (if any) people to stay in touch with.

Only leaving during the day when it’s necessary to get food or run an urgent errand. Only leaving during the night to take a walk when it’s warm outside and there are no sounds but the cars passing by and the ticking of stoplights changing. A life that mostly shuts down your senses.

Because living in a mirage of escape is much easier than living in the real world.

Escape

Escape. The tool often unhealthily used as a comfort zone for those of us who find little joy from living.

It comes in many forms. Maybe a book from one of your trusted authors. Or turning off the lights at night while listening to ambient music.

Possibly a hotel room alone. That’s one of my favorites. When you’re away from home, you seem more figuratively distanced from your troubles too (and feel less obliged to do anything about them.)

Or, of course, finding a chemical high of some sort. That’s never been my style, but only because my mind and body just don’t respond much to drugs. Which is a saving grace, given how addictive my personality can be.

Even staying up really late into the night (when there isn’t much reason to). Because when most everyone else is asleep, you feel an escape from dealing with others.

But regardless of which method of escape you choose, the underlying reason is usually the same: slowing down time. Because if you can stop time, you don’t have to deal with another energy-sapping day of endless disappointment and frustration with how you’re handling life.