It really is a dog’s life…part 2

As someone who has to live vicariously through other people’s pets, occasionally my mind wanders back to former times where I was an honorary pup uncle.

There isn’t much that I miss about my prior apartment complex. Except that not long before I moved out, my neighbor got a shelter dog. His name was Oxley. About a year old, and he was a pretty big guy of some mixed breed that I couldn’t figure out.

The first time I met him, he came right over (like he knew we’d be instant buds).

But what I remember most is that one of those first couple times that I saw him, they were going down the elevator with me. And as I was petting him, he just rested his chin contently in my hand and was looking up at me (in a way that can described by just two words):

Total trust. Even though he still barely knew me.

And you know what? I wish I could see the world in that way. With such a bright outlook and only seeing the best in people. Especially considering that since she got him from a shelter, I doubt his young life had always been easy.

So Oxley….it’s been about a year. I hope you’re doing well and getting as many walks outside and belly scratches as you like (which means millions of each).

And that maybe someday, this human can have your outlook on life.

Shawshank and the “hope” debate: sorry Red

One of my favorite movies is the Shawshank Redemption. For those who may not know it, it’s based on the prison life of a wrongly convicted murderer (Andy) and how he eventually gains his freedom after about 20 years of (very) slowly digging a tunnel out of his cell.

A famous scene from that movie involves Andy talking to his best inmate friend “Red” about hope. And Red is against having it there, as he feels that hope is a dangerous thing that can drive a man crazy inside prison walls .

Well, Red, I have to disagree with you (just as Andy did). As someone who’s been in his own figurative prison for about that long, I can relate to the situation some.

(And no, I’m not claiming that could compare to being in Shawshank!) But the key similarity is how any seemingly endless prison can still ruin your life.

Unless you find a way to get out.

And I can tell you that the main thing that keeps me going, as I hit new life low after low (another one today), is the hope that the future will be much better and include my own “redemption” of regaining my success of many years ago. Having that happen would involve plenty of aspects both in and out of my own control. So the odds may not be very good.

But if there is ANY realistic chance…..you have to hold on tight to it. Otherwise, you’re doomed to stay in despair from now on.

The good news is that last week, there was a money making opportunity here in my city that I hadn’t seen in ages. While it was way too high stakes for me to go after (given my current situation), just the fact that it was available to me was a jaw dropper.

I thought, well, if something like that can pop up so unexpectedly now…..maybe when I’m ready for it in 5 or 10 years, similar ones will then too.

Is there any guarantee that will happen though? Not even close. There is no way to know if it were practically a one time opportunity, or if they might start to appear more regularly now and/or much further down the road. So it’s quite possible that I won’t ever be able to get out of this corner that I’ve painted myself into over the last 15 years.

But I still have to do my best to hope. Even if the outlook was still as bleak as possible, there’s no other way to maintain any focus on doing your part to improve your chances (and find a little positivity in an otherwise highly depressed life).

Just ask Red. Without Andy’s hope, he would’ve likely been doomed.

Does depression “weaken” the mind?

In a past entry, I brought up all of the common dreams I experience. And there was one that I just hadn’t figured out too much about “why do I continue to have this?”

This is my common dream where, in a high school or college type setting, I am feeling very unprepared for having an upcoming exam or paper due very soon. And it always makes me feel very uncomfortable and like I’ve really screwed something important up (such as graduating on time, etc).

But the thing is, I was always a top student up through my undergrad years and found a way to get things done when it mattered most. The only time I got burned from slacking off with such responsibilities was after I’d graduated from college (and in spots that never meant much to me, such as my time in grad school). So then….why do I continue to have this bothersome dream?

I think I finally figured it out.

See, after getting my undergrad degree, I became a very average learner. It didn’t matter whether it was work or during that grad school time. The formerly lifetime A student was now a C+ student, and I didn’t have the focus or care enough to try and change that. I’d always written the decline off as not being a huge deal, since it only affected parts of life I wasn’t interested in.

But I’ve just realized that it’s not that simple.

While it doesn’t bother me to be mediocre at those parts of life that are less important to me…..what DOES bug me is my mind and focus being weaker than it used to be. Deep down, that must be affecting me more than I thought it did.

Which is likely why I continue to have that dream.

So finally…..referencing this entry’s title…..can deep enough depression actually cause this to happen? As mentioned, I used to assume that it was just a matter of focus. Especially since I still score the same on IQ tests as I did as a child.

But I’m telling you, I still don’t feel as “smart”. And that didn’t start to happen until my depression sunk in deep about 25 years ago, which was during my senior year at college.

I don’t know what any research says about this. At the moment I don’t even feel like looking anything up. All I know is that you can add this to the list.

The long list of ways that my battle with the depressive beast has weakened me.

What hits at the core of the crisis

When I was in my 20s, I didn’t go out on weekends as often as I should have. But there were still enough long, interesting nights at clubs to remember.

None of those memories are too specific. Just the situation in general, and how being out on the floor with your friends can just take your world away. Despite that the fact that I can’t….and I mean CAN NOT dance to anything with a quick beat.

That didn’t matter though. It was all about the energy. The music. The atmosphere. And how all of that came together on those nights to take advantage of those years.

Which is why hearing songs like the one below (one of my very favorite EDM tunes) hits at the core of my current mid-life crisis. “It Feels So Good” hit big about 20 years ago, when I was at the heart of those years in my mid-20s.

But even though that makes it hurt to hear that song (and especially to see the video, where couples that age are getting seduced by both the music and each other at the same time), I will never stop going back to watch it.

Because it’s the closest thing possible to turning back the clock.

Even if it’s just for a few minutes.

The bottomless pit of a depressive addict

That bottomless pit.

Something that I’ve been experiencing for the last 13 years. And there are no signs of it changing. Me changing.

It’s not a direct fall at all. I have good days. Days where I feel better about myself or continue a step in the right direction.

But it never lasts.

At first, those bouncebacks were as long as about 6 months. Then before long, just a couple more for 2 or 3 months. After that, for about the last 10 years, they’ve never lasted for longer than around one month. And each time, the bounce is usually less potent as well as less lengthy.

And when each fallback begins, it often takes me to new lows. Those feelings are the worst.

I’m experiencing the latest one today. After spending most of my 30s and the first six years of my 40s this way, I’m quite used to the hurt. It’s not fun.

Especially since each new low nudges that dagger a bit deeper into your pride, your heart, and your soul.

Before I moved back to my target city this spring, I had a plan. And more hope than I’d had in a long time. Now, for reasons I don’t feel like getting into now, I probably won’t stay here. Mostly because of a matter that has nothing to do with my self-destruction, though of course that has already lessened my chances of a successful new life here too.

And here’s the most dangerous part. Don’t want to get into “why” about this yet either, but where I’ll probably end up for a good while next year is that much more problematic for my future well-being. It’s going to feel like a dead end for the entire time and like I’m wasting away more years that I can’t afford to.

That fact has already begun to mess with my desire to succeed again. Well before I even move. Great eh.

But this is the worst part: I can still sink a LOT lower.

Someone was just telling me about how his friend was dumping his cherished sportscard collection b/c of the guy’s severe alcoholism issues. For those that haven’t read any of my prior entries, getting back into that hobby almost two years ago, which I hadn’t been a part of since high school, has been a rare healthy part of my life since.

But even as low as I go, I never feel the urge to finance more self-destruction by selling my cards.

Yet, anyway.

Obviously I hope that never changes. But who knows. Especially with my mid to possibly long term future now looking like it does.

Dangerous, dangerous territory. If that WOULD ever happen, it would be like sacrificing the last of the fledgling pride I have left in my life. The aforementioned dagger could change to a huge sword that you’re precariously brandishing toward yourself.

The kind of thing that could quickly be the first step toward total desperation.

And how you might finally find that pit’s bottom.

Conflicted

As I continue with the same struggles that have haunted me for so many years, it’s become even more clear that the imbalances of my life have led to me becoming conflicted with so many this-or-that choices.

And that just stretches the current mid-life crisis further and further as I go.

For a lot of people my age, these life paths have been mostly defined by this time. At this point you have a family, a house, and a (at least somewhat steady) career. Your life has purpose and the future is pretty well defined: the kids are growing up and every day involves managing all these different parts of your existence. Before you know it, they’ll leave the nest. And it may be time for one of your parents to move in, etc etc.

And you know the drill from there. Becoming grandparents, retiring, and eventually fading off into the sunset together (or with your kids taking care of you during those golden years).

But is any of that part of my present or future? Those who have read many of these entries know the answer to that.

Here, there is nothing but present (and likely future) conflict:

  • Do I focus more on taking care of my mother or taking care of myself? We are so different that I can’t do both. And this always has a large impact on what geographic location I’m living in, which is a big factor to me.

  • Do I accept how disconcerted I feel about my present and future (and how that leads to me finding elusive happiness and tranquility in thinking about the past too much)? Or do I release that pleasant crutch and battle harder to find more to live for in present (like those “normal” people I described about with full lives). Which would probably be better for my chances of repairing my future, but also deprive me of one of the few current joys I have in life?
  • Am I really ready to stay here in my target city at the moment, or is it necessary to wait until either retirement age or until I’ve somehow gotten past enough of my demons?

And then, maybe the most important one:

  • Can I accept my prior and current failures enough to go down the best path for possible future success?

As you can imagine, it’d be enough of a challenge just to solve one of these problems. Much less all of them being front and center at the same time.

The struggle is real.

Does the dog…er, the loner…really want outside?

As I was sitting here alone on this holiday and contemplating the perils of my current and future existence more, a parallel with some of our four-legged friends hit me.

You know the type of dog that seems like he can’t make up his mind about wanting outside at the moment? Ignore his pleas to go out, and they only become more persistent. Ignore his pleas to come back in after two minutes, and they’ll become just as persistent too.

Rinse and repeat at various times throughout the day.

What’s likely going through the pup’s mind? Antsy energy. A lack of focus on what to do with himself. An inability to be content with whatever environment he’s currently in.

Regardless of whether he’s in or out.

And when you think about it, it’s similar to how we loners feel and act. We know that getting out in the world some is what we need (and that staying in the house stewing about our existence is not healthy). But what happens when we do go outside?

We’re “that” dog. Antsy, restless, feeling sapped of the energy and focus to do much. With a certain amount of social anxiety usually mixed in (in doses anywhere from very minor in my case to quite problematic for some people).

So then what do we do? Like that pup, we find ourselves quickly wishing we were right back inside. And often end up turning around and returning to the sliding glass door before long.

Trapped in our own minds, bodies, and uncomfortable place in the world.

Regardless of whether we’re human or canine.

Peaking at 10

As many people get ready for a long holiday weekend of family goodness, I must warn you that while I wish everyone the best for it…..this entry (like many here) will not fit the mold of celebration.

But as I prepare for my own oh-so-enthralling holiday of mostly solitude, I’ve been reminded even more (especially as I watch a Miami Vice marathon on TV as we speak) of where my life path has taken things. And sadly, how I peaked at 10.

No, not 2010. Age 10.

The fall of ’84 to the summer of ’85. Met a new best friend to start the school year. Got a computer for christmas. Had my first year of Little League, which ended with my best game of the year as we won the tournament championship against the league’s best team. Overall, the goody good suburban ’80s kiddom existence was in full swing.

Those good times did not last long.

Matt (the best friend) moved away soon after. Then before I knew it, it was time for junior high to begin, which set the tone for my often miserable and outcast teen years.

And even during my freshman year in college (which was amazing and maybe the best year of my life), there was still a hole eating away at me b/c of how I was such a late bloomer with dating and sex. I’ve written before about how that was the beginning of the eventual horrible battle with depression that has haunted me ever since.

So even with all the success I often had otherwise in life during my 20s and early 30s, that battle still kept a huge cloud overhead. And since then, well, play bingo with any of my prior entries to quickly learn how things have been since.

When you add it all up, that’s how it’s easy to argue that my life peaked at such a young age. It’s a sobering thought, but one that looms to be acknowledged.

Especially as I continue to struggle so badly with trying to move forward.

Letting go of the past

Yep I’ve talked some about this before, but it needs its own entry.

Awhile back, I was talking with a good friend about solving some of my issues. He reminded me that even though I’ve always been a finance guy, I’m not the type who lives for material things. And we mentioned that the most important thing to me is having my own freedom (especially with work).

Or so we thought.

As I’ve entered into this latest stage of life, it’s become even more obvious that there’s something else that I’m still treating as a clearly higher priority. And it’s not good:

Trying to completely get back the success I used to have, and as quickly as possible.

My actions lately are the proof in the pudding. Here I am, finally back in the location I want to be and with the chance to have that freedom again (at least for now). But unfortunately, the main driving force for those actions has still been a fairly quick cure for the pain of lost success. And that simply won’t work, because it’s impossible to achieve that again for a long time (if ever) in my current situation without taking huge risks that will likely lead to more self-destruction and the loss of my career freedom again.

And given how I’m now more hell-bent than ever about never having a 9 to 5 job again, there’s a lot more at stake in getting things right this time.

So why is this still happening? I simply cannot let go of the past, especially when it comes to that topic. The need to make the most of my future (and even the freedoms that can come along with that) pales in comparison to getting back what I’ve lost.

And I’m not sure how to get past it. Pun.

There’s a lot of dime store advice out there about this, but much of it is the typical obvious stuff that you can’t make yourself do when you stay stuck in the emotional and psychological webs that people like me do. “Focus on the future”. Well, no shit. A lot easier said than done for some of us.

It’s making me want to look into meditation type exercises that much more, because I just haven’t been strong enough for my conscious mind to have the willpower necessary for the best choices (not just for things like focusing on the future, but in general). So while I’m the furthest thing from an expert on the subject, I’m wondering if it might train your body and mind to improve from a more subconscious state instead.

Is that even possible?

I hope so, because I’m running out of time (and options) to start turning things around

Boiling point

The last two weeks had already not gone well. As I wrote about recently, the quality of my trading/betting was still full of the same holes (and things had started to slip back). In addition to that, I haven’t found any of the willpower necessary to start fresh in my new place and move toward improving the other parts of life either.

Needless to say, I was already on edge some. Then today happened, and I’m fighting the urge to completely tilt.

Put myself into a difficult spot on a trade that I didn’t need to have. Which led to me bailing on it about an hour too early (and just before the stock market turned in my direction). Turning what could’ve been a very good day into another bad one.

It’s fine when you’re wrong about a situation, cause obviously that will happen sometimes. But when you were very right about the market’s direction and still get stung b/c of how you handled things, that is a BIG problem.

Especially when there’s this: while I’ve written plenty about my attempts to recover from past career/life failures….even though it’s often done with plenty of urgency, that’s been taken to a whole new level this time.

Why? First, because I’m finally back in the place where I have a chance to be happy. If I can’t make life work here now, my chances of ever doing so before I’m too old to enjoy it go way down.

And second: for many years now, whenever I had a new setback with trying to work on my own, getting a 9 to 5 again felt like it was always there as an option (albeit one that I did not prefer at all). But this time, and especially in this city, I don’t want to settle for that anymore.

Between my last experience where I was hired early last month (and I subsequently left) and how I’ll have a much better basis about feeling better about myself if I have my career freedom permanently again, I’ve turned much more against getting a traditional job ever again.

Naturally that means that I have to make things work out now. I know that urgency seems like quite a stressful way to go about it, but oh well. Things have never improved without the urgency either, so I’m not making my situation worse by feeling that way.

So I’m trying to take a very deep breath after moving on. Forget about this recent slide and how awfully it accelerated today, and start fresh moving forward. But unfortunately, that’s never been my way.

It’s like trying to catch a falling knife.

And I’ve never been able to find the handle to.